SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

mustacheman25 posted 1/17/2020 16:47 PM

So my girlfriend and I had a falling out a few months ago where I got scared of commitment (I've been married and it ended horribly after being cheated on and left with all the responsibilities). I got distant because I didn't know if we were going to make it 100%. She ended up moving out. A few weeks later we made amends and I realized I really did love her and couldn't live without her.

Now she has her own place and can't get out of the lease 3 hours away from me. She is an EMT and her partner is a male. They had a really long transport to another state and she ended up giving him a blowjob in the back of the ambulance on their way back from the transport. This was last weekend. She came clean and told me about it which really made me trust her more and I forgive her for it.

Now she is saying she doesn't know what she wants even though she knows she loves me and *thinks* she wants to be with me and live with me and be together forever, etc. She is adamant she doesn't want a relationship with her co-worker.

Anytime I being up us and are we going to work and what's going to happen, she says she "Can't give me any answers right now." She still says she loves me everyday and our conversations have gone back to mostly normal as if nothing had ever happened but then it goes to the question of us and she "Doesn't have answers."

I'm at a loss because I absolutely love this girl with all of my heart and sould and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I can and have already forgiven her for cheating but I am just in a place of absolute depression because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, etc. We've been together almost 2 years now.

Beachwalker posted 1/17/2020 17:22 PM

Mustacheman: I am very sorry you have been put into this situation, but am glad you found us.

I was in a similar situation where my fiancé didn’t know if she loved me anymore. No matter what I asked her, the answer was always the same: “I don’t know.” How do you deal with that? I loved this girl with all my heart, and even though we hadn’t consummated our relationship, I felt that in every other way we were already married. She was the other half of me. When she called it off 2 weeks prior to the wedding, I was decimated. I am sure you are feeling the same type and depth of pain, and I feel very sorry for you.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and since she’s not sure of what to do, give her space. Let her think without you in her ear or where she can see and feel you. In other words, I suggest you do the 180. If you click on the Healing Library link in the upper left corner, then the Articles tab, you will see information there on how to do this. Usually, it’s for the Betrayed Spouse (BS) to have some time away from the cheater, to let emotions settle down and give them time to be able to think clearly once again. In your case, this is for her as well as you. Her – she can see what life without you is like. If she really loves you, she’ll miss you and want you back. If not, then you know the story. You – to allow you to heal from this infraction of your relationship boundaries (she cheated).

It is always good to hear that someone wants to salvage the relationship, but if she enjoyed being with another man, she will want to shop around a little while longer before settling down. But for you, don’t be too anxious to get back together. She cheated on you once and she needs to find out why she thought it would be ok to give another guy a bj. It is quite possible they did more than that and more often than she’s telling you, which may be another reason why she is stepping back from you – she’s embarrassed and is feeling guilty.

There will be others who will come along and give you great advice. “Take what you need and leave the rest.” We bring our experiences with us and want to help you either minimize or completely avoid the pain we have endured. We all want you to live a healthy, happy life. Post often and keep us up to date. And remember that here, you are not alone.

RubixCubed posted 1/17/2020 17:50 PM

She doesn't have an answer so she can keep having her cake and eating it too. You'll keep being her security while she is screwing around with other men.
Don't give her credit for telling you she gave her co-worker a blowjob because cheaters lie and minimize. You don't have the whole story. I guarantee it.

Buffer posted 1/17/2020 17:52 PM

Brother ^^^^^ what he said. She is out and doesn’t want back.
180 and move on after the normal STD checks, she has a history of cheating.

Buffer

Anotheron3 posted 1/17/2020 18:01 PM

My wife has been telling me similar things with "not knowing what she wants." For seven months she pursued an EA with a coworker, and I played the "pick me dance" and only pushed her further away. It got to a point where she blew up and essentially left the house and I don't know when she'll be back.

After finding this place I realized my worth and knew I deserve better. I now am not afraid to lose her and am working on a hard 180. And informed her family of what the issues are. We shall see how this works out.

I hope the best for you and hope you find the clarity you need here like I did.

Cooley2here posted 1/17/2020 18:07 PM

Remember that saying “he’s not that into you”? I hate to say it but I think she is slowly backing away. A bj in the back of an ambulance is not the behavior of a person who loves you.

I think you need to assume she is trying to move on but you are the sure thing and he is not.

If he’s married it’s time to tell his bs.

Marz posted 1/17/2020 18:18 PM

What she says doesn’t match her actions.

I think you’re setting yourself up for failure.

BBBD posted 1/17/2020 19:01 PM

You’re her plan B.
If you really loved her you would’ve told her straight up. Odds are, you just hate being alone.

OrdinaryDude posted 1/17/2020 22:40 PM

Blowjob and second thoughts...maybe your intuition was right and you shouldn’t commit to this woman.

The1stWife posted 1/17/2020 22:54 PM

Her “I don’t know” answer telegraphs loud and clear that she’s not sure what she wants but clearly you are not it for her. Because you either know you love someone or you don’t.

Anything less than a “yes” in reality is a clear “sorry, no I’m just not that into you”.

I say you have your answer. She’s just a coward and not able to verbally give yuh an honest answer.

So sorry for you. But I think you would rather deal in reality than be misled and strung along.

Smillie posted 1/17/2020 23:23 PM

It can’t just be a blowjob. You don’ just start throwing around meaningless blowjobs at work unless you are insane. This is a relationship and I bet they have done more than one blowjob. Find out if he has a wife and, if he does, tell her. Don’t marry this woman. It has likely been going on for a while and it was probably the main catalyst for your split.

GoldenR posted 1/18/2020 01:51 AM

Wait...

You were having second thoughts about things. She blows her partner. Tells you. And now you trust her MORE than before.

If your brother or best friend told you this, you'd think they were crazy.

Her partner is who she wants. That's why she's wishy washy. You are Plan B.

One last thing... they've had sex...a lot of it.

ramius posted 1/18/2020 02:20 AM

You have heard of an exit affair?

This sounds like an exit blowjob.

BigBlueEyes posted 1/18/2020 10:01 AM

Umm she cheated on you...,

Yet she gets to control the outcome?

I don’t think so!!

I hate to say this but it makes you appear weak.

She has failed in her audition for a long term partner & especially as a wife.

You have been down this road before do you really want to do it again?

Sorry to be so blunt but come on...you deserve respect & loyalty, something she is not giving you.

Mene posted 1/18/2020 18:21 PM

Firstly, it’s more than a blowjob. Always is. She’s just feeding you a little information and fucking with your head.

Secondly, you need to blow the AP’s world apart and tell his SO immediately.

Thirdly, if you want to be with her she has to stop working with the AP. Immediately. She has to resign. Or he needs to get a new partner or better one has to leave the organisation.

Fourthly, you’re Plan B. Cut this out. Leave. Now. She doesn’t love you and the feelings you have for her are not reciprocated.

Fifthly, no kids, not married. RUN.

DBFool2019 posted 1/27/2020 13:57 PM

They had a really long transport to another state and she ended up giving him a blowjob in the back of the ambulance on their way back from the transport. This was last weekend. She came clean and told me about it which really made me trust her more and I forgive her for it.

Is this a real story?

Seriously man, please read your own words and pretend it's a close friend telling you about his relationship.

dblackstar2002 posted 1/27/2020 14:23 PM

Sorry to say, But she is gone. If you gave here a ring, Tell her to give it back and walk away. Sorry but when a woman says she doesn't know, Trust me she does she has checked out of the relationship. Time for you to do the same sorry.....

Westway posted 1/29/2020 12:04 PM

Dump her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you commit yourself to such a person you will be committing yourself to a life of insecurity and distrust. Is that what you want?

KingofNothing posted 1/29/2020 21:56 PM

she ended up giving him a blowjob in the back of the ambulance on their way back from the transport. This was last weekend. She came clean and told me about it which really made me trust her more and I forgive her for it.

Just like that, out of the blue, she blurts out she blew someone? That was it? I don’t know what is more worrisome about this statement; the fact that she just decided, “oh well, what the hell I’ll blow this guy” or that you seem to think her fessing up was in any way commendable and some how makes her more trustworthy? Because, really, committing an act of infidelity should have the opposite impact on you. Shrug. People are funny.

Before you sprain your arm patting yourself in the back for forgiving her.... Ask yourself this fundamental question: is that all she did? How do you know? Because she told you so? How do you trust this is the truth?

Now she is saying she doesn't know what she wants even though she knows she loves me and *thinks* she wants to be with me and live with me and be together forever, etc.

That is a very lukewarm endorsement to bet your future happiness on. Don’t tell me this fills you with confidence and renewed faith in her eternal fidelity. Puh-lease.

She is adamant she doesn't want a relationship with her co-worker

Oh? Okay, why did she give him oral sex, then? Practice?

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:56 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

LLXC posted 1/29/2020 23:29 PM

Are you sure she didn't blow him in order to get revenge on you for your lack of commitment before?

Or maybe this has been going on for awhile?

I mean, why did she tell you? How do you know it was 1 blowjob?

Oh? Okay, why did she give him oral sex, then? Practice

Maybe she wants to be with him. Maybe she was bored and has no boundaries. Whether she wants a relationship or not is irrelevant. What matters is that after getting back together, she cheated - that is assuming she only started cheating after she moved out.

I dont think cheating while engaged is a good sign. Very bad sign. If you still want her, let her prove that she can be a loyal and trustworthy partner.