Hi everyone,wish I wasn't here but here I am. My wife(36) and I(38) have been together 15 years married for 12. We separated 5 months ago after she gave me the dreaded "I love you but".
I've always thought we had a good marriage, not without its down times but nothing is perfect. The past 2 years have been particularly stressful for us both,but quite traumatic for my wife(there was a serious incident involving her nephew).
She started a new job right when this incident took place and didn't take any time off. We both sort of retreated into our own worlds and there was a breakdown in communication where conversation was limited to logistics and the ongoing stress factors.
Nearing the end of this period my wife started making more effort with her appearance, our sex life was becoming more frequent and I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. This was short lived, 3 weeks later I get the "I love you but".
She explained that she felt numb, didn't feel herself, and felt she would be happier living alone and that some space is what she needed. After a couple of days of going round in circles not getting anywhere and in my panic I found a rental property and moved out. This process was truly awful, we have 2 children together (14m) and (6f) and I have another from a previous relationship (18m). Explaining to the two eldest was heartbreaking, we told our youngest I was looking after a friends place for a while.
My wife insisted there was nobody else and that she wasn't interested in anything like that and I did believe her at the time but still had a nagging suspicion.
I took on all the bigger outgoings while having to pay for my own place on just my wage. I insisted on this because I wanted to take the pressure off her. Although things have remained quite civil and we started talking a bit more and getting along better my gut feeling that there was more going on just kept getting stronger. She was so cold and distant which is totally out of character.
We had agreed from the beginning that I would stay at home for a period over the Christmas, which we enjoyed. However, being there again and the thought of going back on my own and not being with my children really got me down. I'm still paying rent for the other place but haven't been back since before Christmas, it's not financially viable and I have to be with my children.
D day was 2 weeks ago, I'd had drink and those feelings were just getting stronger and I'd came across some suspicious items, lengerie, condoms, a pregnancy test. I asked her if I could have a look at her phone and she wouldn't, she's never been protective of her phone. For me that confirmed it. After 10 mins of denial she finally confessed to exchanging msgs with a man she works with, he's only 28, I was shocked. She wouldn't let me read the conversations because she "didn't want me seeing that sort of stuff" in a way I'm glad I didn't but if I had I could have seen dates etc.
She insists nothing physical has happened and it's only mesgs, I'm having trouble believing her. Been going on for 4 weeks again I'm suspicious it's been longer than that.
I'm still at home and plan on giving up the other property, it's just not affordable. Other than dd and the following day or two things have been OK between us, though she is still distant and I'm hurting more than she knows. It feels like she's been abducted by aliens but only when with me.
I love this woman with all my heart, and don't want to give up on my family. I keep thinking it could be a phase like a mid life crisis induced by the trauma of the last 2 years. I am aware this could just be me clinging on to hope but I feel its too early to just give up.
This something I never thought I'd have to go through, it's completely out of character and it's the lies that hurt more than anything. This has left me feeling inadequate, unattractive, anxious, confused, angry and heartbroken. I'm calm and loving on the outside but I'm screaming inside.
Thanks for reading, it helps a little to get my feelings out of my head.
Thanks everyone for the feedback, I'm not rushing into any decisions right now. I'm still trying to process what's happening and still feel there's more I need to know. I really feel the best way to coax it out of her is to remain calm. She just shuts down when things get too heated. Nothing I'm doing right now is for her but for myself and children.
I've read about the 180 and have already started working on it, some days are harder than others. Until I get a clearer picture of what's been going on I'm just going to keep a sense of normalcy for the kids until I'm in a better position to make big decisions.
[This message edited by Jonas at 2:05 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]