"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Jonas posted 1/29/2020 10:25 AM

Hi everyone,wish I wasn't here but here I am. My wife(36) and I(38) have been together 15 years married for 12. We separated 5 months ago after she gave me the dreaded "I love you but".

I've always thought we had a good marriage, not without its down times but nothing is perfect. The past 2 years have been particularly stressful for us both,but quite traumatic for my wife(there was a serious incident involving her nephew).

She started a new job right when this incident took place and didn't take any time off. We both sort of retreated into our own worlds and there was a breakdown in communication where conversation was limited to logistics and the ongoing stress factors.

Nearing the end of this period my wife started making more effort with her appearance, our sex life was becoming more frequent and I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. This was short lived, 3 weeks later I get the "I love you but".

She explained that she felt numb, didn't feel herself, and felt she would be happier living alone and that some space is what she needed. After a couple of days of going round in circles not getting anywhere and in my panic I found a rental property and moved out. This process was truly awful, we have 2 children together (14m) and (6f) and I have another from a previous relationship (18m). Explaining to the two eldest was heartbreaking, we told our youngest I was looking after a friends place for a while.

My wife insisted there was nobody else and that she wasn't interested in anything like that and I did believe her at the time but still had a nagging suspicion.

I took on all the bigger outgoings while having to pay for my own place on just my wage. I insisted on this because I wanted to take the pressure off her. Although things have remained quite civil and we started talking a bit more and getting along better my gut feeling that there was more going on just kept getting stronger. She was so cold and distant which is totally out of character.

We had agreed from the beginning that I would stay at home for a period over the Christmas, which we enjoyed. However, being there again and the thought of going back on my own and not being with my children really got me down. I'm still paying rent for the other place but haven't been back since before Christmas, it's not financially viable and I have to be with my children.

D day was 2 weeks ago, I'd had drink and those feelings were just getting stronger and I'd came across some suspicious items, lengerie, condoms, a pregnancy test. I asked her if I could have a look at her phone and she wouldn't, she's never been protective of her phone. For me that confirmed it. After 10 mins of denial she finally confessed to exchanging msgs with a man she works with, he's only 28, I was shocked. She wouldn't let me read the conversations because she "didn't want me seeing that sort of stuff" in a way I'm glad I didn't but if I had I could have seen dates etc.

She insists nothing physical has happened and it's only mesgs, I'm having trouble believing her. Been going on for 4 weeks again I'm suspicious it's been longer than that.

I'm still at home and plan on giving up the other property, it's just not affordable. Other than dd and the following day or two things have been OK between us, though she is still distant and I'm hurting more than she knows. It feels like she's been abducted by aliens but only when with me.

I love this woman with all my heart, and don't want to give up on my family. I keep thinking it could be a phase like a mid life crisis induced by the trauma of the last 2 years. I am aware this could just be me clinging on to hope but I feel its too early to just give up.

This something I never thought I'd have to go through, it's completely out of character and it's the lies that hurt more than anything. This has left me feeling inadequate, unattractive, anxious, confused, angry and heartbroken. I'm calm and loving on the outside but I'm screaming inside.

Thanks for reading, it helps a little to get my feelings out of my head.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I'm not rushing into any decisions right now. I'm still trying to process what's happening and still feel there's more I need to know. I really feel the best way to coax it out of her is to remain calm. She just shuts down when things get too heated. Nothing I'm doing right now is for her but for myself and children.

I've read about the 180 and have already started working on it, some days are harder than others. Until I get a clearer picture of what's been going on I'm just going to keep a sense of normalcy for the kids until I'm in a better position to make big decisions.

[This message edited by Jonas at 2:05 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 1/29/2020 10:34 AM

Oh Jonas I am so sorry you had to find SI. Glad you did but sorry you had to. A lot more will comment, but the one thing that stood out to me was:

She insists nothing physical has happened and it's only mesgs

and then:

I'd came across some suspicious items, lengerie, condoms, a pregnancy test.

Last I checked, you can't get preggo from phone messages. Pretty sure that's not how things work.

Please take some time reading in the healing library to the upper left, as well as reading in the JFO (Just Found Out) section. Make sure to take care of yourself physically - get sleep and drink water and make sure to eat. Those first couple months after Dday are pretty gnarly and it is easy to let your health slide.

I love this woman with all my heart, and don't want to give up on my family. I keep thinking it could be a phase like a mid life crisis induced by the trauma of the last 2 years. I am aware this could just be me clinging on to hope but I feel its too early to just give up.

Of course you love your wife. Of course you do. Some SIers will fall in the 'run' camp and some won't. No one can tell you what is right for YOU. But please read through everyone's responses. Everyone who will respond on here has been in your shoes once upon a time. We were all BS (betrayed spouses). And all the advice and wisdom you will get comes from all that collective experience. Take what is useful and leave the rest.

Sending strength your way for you and your kids!

tushnurse posted 1/29/2020 10:39 AM

Welcome - This place is full of people who have walked a similar path.

My recommendation is to stop allowing her to drive this situation, and take back some control.

1. Demand to see her phone, and be prepared to kick her out of your bedroom, or send her to the apt if she doesn't come fully clean immediately.

2. See an attorney and find out your rights, and her obligations. You cannot act until you know what the actions you take will cause.

3. She has had zero consequences for her actions. That has to stop immediately. I understand that you are in pain, scared, and don't want to end your M. But (this may sting a bit) Your M as your knew it is no more. She at minimum is having an emotional affair, more likely both emotional and physical.
If you know who this person is you need to notify his partner if he has one. A's die in the bright light of day. Demand that she end it, and establish No Contact (NC) immediately. Continued contact just allows the A to continue.

4. Demand a timeline from her. Tell her she has until the end of the week to produce it. Then tell her you require a polygraph to move forward. If she bawks at any of this you know she is just using you as plan B, and the convenience of being married. Demand she get full STD testing as well. If it hasn't been physical she will jump at the opportunity to prove her innocence. If not she will give you a million reasons why not to, and push it back to you, that you are being unreasonable etc. That is not ok.

Lastly see your Dr. This is tough stuff. You need to make sure you are getting the support you need. Get a referral to see an individual therapist, and talk to your Dr if you are not sleeping or having trouble with eating.

keep reading and posting here. Others will be along with more suggestions soon.

beenthereinco posted 1/29/2020 11:32 AM

I love this woman with all my heart, and don't want to give up on my family.

Nobody ever does. Everyone that comes on here loves their Wayward Spouse. If they didn't they would just walk away. We all loved them and didn't want to give up. The problem is, and it is one that all of learned and some took longer than others, that two people have to want to not give up. It sounds like right now your WW has given up on her family and you can't want it enough for the both of you. She has to want to be married as well. Right now she does not and you need to realize that you can't make her. Like the song says "I can't make you love me if you don't".

This is incredibly hard to handle. I know. It took me a long time to understand that I could not will my WW back into our marriage. You need to get to that understanding and the faster you do the less pain you will go through. I'm sorry all of this has happened to you but what I would do now that you know what is truly going on is start standing up for yourself. You want the marriage, you want your family, you want to be living in that house. Okay good. Stay in the house. Let the rental go. If she wants to be alone tell her she can leave whenever she wants. There is no reason at all that you should take on more financial stress or hardship so she can have a boyfriend. Stop doing that now.

You need to read up on the 180 in the Library above and to the left and follow it. It will help you get a little distance from her and see this more clearly. Get some self-respect. Understand your own worth here. You are a faithful man with a job and a family that takes care of his responsibilities. You are a prize here. If she can't see it somebody else will but first you have to see it. Then project that confidence. She may change her mind when she starts seeing some strength but of course by then you may not give a damn.

She needs consequences as most will say on here. The biggest and most concrete consequence is that you should file for Divorce. Right now. I can hear you saying already "I don't want to get divorced" and I hear you but I would say back two things. 1) Divorces take time and many petitions are filed that are subsequently withdrawn and 2) Divorce is a far better alternative to your mental and physical health than staying married to a wife with a boyfriend.

And one more thing. She is lying. This is a physical affair with the man she works with. It has been going on in one form or another since before you noticed changes in her behavior. The affair continues to this day and it is not going to stop unless you take action to remove yourself from this situation.

Westway posted 1/29/2020 11:46 AM

What led up to the separation five months ago?

fooled13years posted 1/29/2020 11:54 AM

Jonas, you cannot nice her back!

I took on all the bigger outgoings while having to pay for my own place on just my wage. I insisted on this because I wanted to take the pressure off her

she would be happier living alone

This is classic cake eating. If she wants to be alone let her have the apartment and you stay at the house with the kids. This will allow her to be alone all she wants. But make her pay for the apartment and all other living expenses.

My wife insisted there was nobody else and that she wasn't interested in anything like that

I have seen this so many times here that as soon as I hear it I know there is someone else.

I'd came across some suspicious items, lengerie, condoms, a pregnancy test

As you found these items to be suspicious I assume the lingerie were items you had never seen before, the condoms were ones you didn't use (or didn't use condoms) and the pregnancy test was there long after you had sex together.

I am so sorry you are here but it just reeks of so many other examples read here that all lead to the same place.

Walkingthewire posted 1/29/2020 12:09 PM

It wasn’t a PA but you found a pregnancy test and condoms.....
Come on man. Think about those dots.

KingofNothing posted 1/29/2020 12:15 PM

,

he's only 28, I was shocked.

Yeah. That's going to last.

"And I'm a Chinese Jet Pilot"

Tigersrule77 posted 1/29/2020 12:49 PM

Jonas, you need to remember that your WW is a liar. She has been lying to you since at least the beginning of "i love you but" and almost certainly before. She didn't wait to have this inappropriate relationship until you were out of the house.

She is hiding things and lying to you. Right now, she is not going to R with you. She knows that you will be around if things fall apart with her new toy.

You need to start the 180 hard. Let her know that you KNOW she is a liar and unless she can prove things to you, assume everything she tells you is a lie.

As others have said, you can't nice her back. Right now, she isn't worried about losing you, because your actions have shown her that she can lie and cheat, and you won't leave her.

squid posted 1/29/2020 13:50 PM

"Nothing happened" is the biggest lie all cheaters tell. And the evidence almost 100% points to that they definitely had sex.

Denial is the one thing that will keep you in this situation.

So you MUST accept that she is actively engaged in an affair and is continuing to lie to you. The truth is in her phone.

I can tell you that "nicing" her back will never work. Neither will begging or pleading or bargaining. This only makes you look weak and makes her AP (affair partner) look stronger in her eyes.

I say go scorched earth on her ass. Tell everyone in your family (and hers) what's going on, lawyer up and file. Since the AP is a coworker, contact her HR and let them know what's going on.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. The quickest way to break one up is to expose it. If the AP is married let the OBS (other betrayed spouse) know.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT. Just do it.

After you have consulted an attorney, you can tell your wife, "If you don't hand over your phone to me, I'm filing for divorce." Then gauge her reaction. If she balks, which she already has, then you've got your answer.

The writing's on the wall. There's a lot of parallels between your story and my own. I got the same speech, the same period of disconnect, followed by a suspicion of an affair which led to a confirmation.

Can your marriage be saved? Possibly. But you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Filing now doesn't mean you can't call it off if your WW pulls her head out of her ass. But at least you'll be on your way out of infidelity.

You've spent the last 2 years trying to get her to turn towards your marriage.
Don't waste any more time in this limbo. She's clearly checked out. You can't control her. You can only control how you react to this shitty situation.

Sorry you've found us. But you're in good hands here. Keep posting.

[This message edited by squid at 2:04 PM, January 29th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

Unsure2019 posted 1/29/2020 13:51 PM

Jonas,

Sorry you’re here. God, it’s never stops being painful to read how someone tries to be the best they can and still gets their world blown up. You have gotten and will continue to get excellent advice here. Some of it will seem counter intuitive, but please, please pay attention. This advice will give the best shot in saving your M if that is what you truly want.

What you have described is an incredibly well choreographed betrayal that started long before you moved out. Look at the time lime.

1.She starts improving how she looks and dresses
2.You get the ILYBINILWY talk
3.She needs space and of course she’s not at all interested in another relationship
4.Trying to save your M, YOU are the one that moves out
5.You find out she is sexting with a 28 year she works with but she refuses to let you see the texts
6.You find new lingerie, condoms and a pregnancy test kit

Good God Jonas, connect the dots. She is test driving a new man and keeping you as a safe back up. If you don’t stand up to this, you are going to experience more pain than you can imagine. Read up on the 180. Tell her you love her but will not stay in a M with another man in it. Tell her you’re filing for divorce. Tell her that you’re the prize and that you’re done and she’s free go fuck who ever she wants. And then go 180 period.

Just a side note. Not many 28 year old guys that are fucking a married woman and have no responsibilities are going to be interested in a future with her and two kids.

GoldenR posted 1/29/2020 14:27 PM

First thing...

Shake yourself! Stop wallowing in self pity. Get angry and then...

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE

To your family, her family, AP's family, their workplace, mutual friends, church elders...

Then file for D and tell her she has until the day it's final to convince you that she's worth the trouble of attempting to reconcile with. You're the prize!

If she makes no effort, she's already gone.

DoinBettr posted 1/29/2020 15:18 PM

If your wife is like all the other wayward wives out there (I bet she is):
When she came back and tried to make things work then had lots of sex. Then kicked you out right afterward. That is guilt and CYA.
That is when this started. She most likely started her physical affair at that time. He probably said, "I'm not going to marry you" or "I feel bad doing this knowing you are married, you should go back to your husband." after he was done. That is why she feels bad now, she is starting to see how much she is being manipulated.
Contact a lawyer and let her know you are starting the process to divorce (takes about a year usually). That she has until you are gone to figure this out. This 28 year old doesn't want your wife.
Let her see that, then she will need to fix this shit storm she conjured up.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 4:25 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Smillie posted 1/29/2020 17:37 PM

Try and get some more evidence of a sexual relationship. Find out more about her affair partner. Tighten the purse strings a little.

SnowToArmPits posted 1/29/2020 19:18 PM

It wasn’t a PA but you found a pregnancy test and condoms..... Come on man. Think about those dots.

Condoms and a pregnancy test probably lead in one direction.

I don't think you're going to 'nice' her out of this. She's distant, messaging another man, delivered the "I love you but".

You could let this drag out and hope for..? I would set a time limit on how long you're willing to put up with this from your wife. And then...

You could try getting ahead of this. Serve her with divorce papers. Has worked for others to snap their spouse out of their fog. Or to at least get themselves the hell out of infidelity as quick as possible.

Sorry you're here, courage.

Mene posted 1/29/2020 19:39 PM

*In a Maxwell Smart voice and tone* - the old “I have condoms and pregnancy tests in my bathroom but ain’t having a physical affair” trick. Seriously, surely she doesn’t think you’re stupid.

Without wanting to sound sexist, you need to put on the pants and go nuclear on her. You can’t nice her out of this. It looks unattractive especially compared to a 28 year old who doesn’t care he’s screwing your wife. She will see this and pity you. Being decisive and standing up for yourself is more attractive to a woman than seeing a man grovelling. She’s emasculating you and dude you need to take your masculinity back by putting a stop to this dream for her to have her cake and eat it.

Jameson1977 posted 1/29/2020 19:47 PM

Hi Jonas,

Sorry you find yourself here.

Firstly, this isn't your fault. I would suspect the brief upswing in your relationship with your wife was a result of her NRE (new relationship energy) with this other man. I would bet when she gave you the I love you but speech, it had turned physical.

If what you found wasn't incriminating enough, her refusing to let you see her phone then telling you that she didn't want you to read that stuff. C'mon, she is employing cheating spouse 101.

It's good you are back in YOUR home. Don't move out of your home again. If she wants to carry on an A, tell her to leave. You won't be able to nice her back.

I think you know it has been physical and likely started prior to you leaving. Really sorry for you, but you found the right place.

Buffer posted 1/29/2020 20:25 PM

Brother regardless what she wants, get back into the marriage home. She may have cause to use the initial separation as abandonment. Seek legal advice now as well as std checks. No one needs sexy underwear and condoms for texting. They have been in a PA since before you moved out.
Cancel all joint cards and accounts so you don’t get stuck paying for her A. Check all phone and internet records. This started just after the new job and her nephew passing.
Sorry you were proved right.
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 8:30 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Jonas posted 1/30/2020 02:56 AM

Westway
Member
Member # 71747
Default Posted: 11:46 AM, January 29th (Wednesday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message
What led up to the separation five months ago

2 years of heavy stress, communication breakdown, we had no time alone together and I suppose we drifted apart. At least that's how I understand it. From my point of view there wasn't an issue, we had a lot going on and I knew when everything had been dealt with we'd have more time for our marriage.

Smillie posted 1/30/2020 03:48 AM

Her reasons for the split are, more than likely, bollocks. I would bet she was already in a full blown sexual relationship with him when she split from you. She threw you a dummy. Classic cheater script.

[This message edited by Smillie at 6:55 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]