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Horrible night

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Gottagetthrough posted 2/8/2020 00:45 AM

Iím sorry for posting so much lately. I know others have problems too, and deserve to be heard. I apologize, but itís 1:30 am and I have no one else to tell.

I came home at midnight from my kidís competition . She did great, a relatively fun time was had (baby had a blow out diaper and I left the diaper bag in the car LOL! My son was at lose ends while his sister competed but had a sketch pad and drew some cool stuff and got some candy and a cheese burger so was happy enough)

I got home, texted Wh to come help bring stuff in from the car. He said no.

I bring baby, then medical grade breast pump (yes, I have low supply and pump after almost every feeding, even on
The road) and then some baby stuff I needed. Left everything else in the car to get tomorrow.

Wh asleep. I nurse baby, encourage kids to go to bed (they readily went). I go into my bedroom and Wh asleep. I get his phone to check it (Iím stupid I know)

It had a passcode.

I get upset and ask what it is. He says he ďcanít rememberĒ with a smile. Finally he tells me, and I legitimately have to go to the bathroom so I go and take his phone. While Iím in there he starts yelling at me and calling me ton of fun and kicking the bathroom door. I was scared to leave he was kicking so hard (thereís a large crack in it now)

He tells me Iím being mean to him, accused me of putting a bug on his phone, says go roll out of here (because Iím so fat) and ďjust go dieĒ

He said Iíve made up this whole emotional affair thing because I stay at home all day and have nothing to do. (I have just driven through 4 states to get my kid to a match. I WISH I was bored and at home. I got up at 4 am this morning, my hands are cracked and bleeding from washing bottles, itís 1:45 am my time so I almost at 24 hours awake. )

I got so mad I threw his rogaine away.

I need to disengage. But damnit Iíve been married for 20 years to this crazy jerk. I deserve a damn apology. Thats all I want! I want to hear him say he is having an emotional affair and apologize. I deserve the truth and i deserve some remorse after he crapped away a 20íyear marriage for some TEXTS . I know this ow won't leave her husband. She wanted ego kibbles. Wh is going to be left without a home and without the one person who helped him through his mental illness. I made a ton of excuses for him. He wonít make it without me, he couldnít in 2010 and he has not changed.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

thisissogross posted 2/8/2020 01:59 AM

Ftg. I'm so sorry you're hurting gotta. This is such sucky behavior from him. What an immature jerk he's being.

Seriously, you're the mother of his children. And he couldn't help you all unload after a trip? Wtf? Ftg!! And seriously, other initials also! I'm really so sorry.

All the infidelity junk aside though, that is just shockingly mean behavior on his part!

I recognize you and your name and story (lurker though I may tend to be) and you are clearly lovely and have tried SO SO hard. Ftg (and other initials) again.

I so hope you can find a little peace sometime soon, can cacaboy be trusted to father while you abscond for even, like a slightly extended coffee tomorrow (with just the baby maybe)? Or something? Even an hour, just so you can breathe?

Ugh. None of his nonsense is about you. It really just isn't. So very sorry.

We both know you're gonna get way finer responses soon. I just wanted you to know somebody could 'hear' you in case you're still up.

And congrats on your kid's competition going well! That is awesome

[This message edited by thisissogross at 3:50 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Rulk posted 2/8/2020 08:01 AM

The next time he starts kicking down a door to get to you, don't hesitate to call the cops.

Chrysalis123 posted 2/8/2020 08:53 AM

I'm sorry I do not know your story.

His behavior is appalling and unacceptable. Gently, why are you staying and letting your kids watch you being abused?

I am so sorry he is doing this to you and the kids.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/8/2020 10:30 AM


I am sorry he did that. No one, especially not you, deserves to be treated like that.

All you want is an apology, but gotta honey you won't get one. He is fucked up and he is an abusive arsehole. Any 'apology' you got from him would just be hot air and ultimately meaningless. Please don't stick around waiting for that, because you'll still be posting here when that sweet baby is going into middle school. Life is too precious and way too fucking short to waste it on shitty people. And no one but a shitty person tells the still nursing mother of his child to 'go die'. W. T. A. F.

I know how hard it is to resist the temptation to do the pain shopping stuff, but you must. YOU MUST. All that does is hurt you. All that does is make it harder for you to get your mind in the move-forward mindset. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

180. Grey rock. Do those for your own sanity.

Sending hugs and strength.

Chili posted 2/8/2020 10:37 AM

Wow - such petulance from him Gotta. What an ass. This part in particular made me so angry for you:

He says he ďcanít rememberĒ with a smile.

Whatever his mental illness might be, he's not so disordered that he can't tap into his mean streak. (There are few things I hate worse than someone who shoves their passive aggressive behavior right in your face).

So for someone like him to go from that type of talk to being able to give you a real apology or come clean or even be humble seems like a big hill to climb. This is not to say you don't deserve it. Oh boy - do you ever.

I desperately wanted assclown to be able to recognize the damage his was causing. I wanted him to even feel sort of bad about it. I wanted him to be honest and try and clean it up. At the time, I was so horrifyingly angry at not getting it I thought my head would explode. To this day I'm still kind of gobsmacked how it all went down. But, the words I say to myself are things like this: He just couldn't. He is incapable. He is a coward. And he doesn't have the skills or maturity to act in healthy ways.

Waiting for your WH to unravel a lifetime of his behaviors and move to a place where he can give you what you want is a massive undertaking. I'm afraid you'll be sacrificing yourself if you keep looking for something...anything from him.

For now - can you just literally move away from him emotionally and focus on more tangible things? Could you put it right out there that you need help with these children and expect him to do his part? Why are you doing all the schlepping and coordinating? What was he doing last night?

I mean - why doesn't he want to be an active part of his kids' life and make things better for the family? Couldn't he have corralled the kids into bed? I mean seriously - what kind of person responds to a simple request for help with a "No." If his petulance is extending to this kind of crap, then I would ask him directly to contribute to solutions - maybe he would rather pay someone to help you.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit pissy about this situation, but I had a brat too. A puffy-chested "you're not the boss of me no no no no I'm not gonna do it" straight up assclown. My version of the no I got one time was: "I'm just not feeling it." Yeah, it's horrible.

I wouldn't throw out his rogaine next time. I would stand there like he's a fully aware defiant child. Tilt my head and just look at him with disappointment and calmly say something like "Really?" Take the wind out of the sails. Don't play. And this door kicking shit? Nope. That needs to never happen again.

nekonamida posted 2/8/2020 18:41 PM

GGT, never feel bad for posting. I look for your updates because I know you're struggling and that your WH is a major asshat.

I hope that you can let go of that need to get an apology. It's not coming any time soon and he may never apologize. He probably won't because he thinks his behavior is acceptable and you're to blame for everything. 180, detach, keep your head down and keep working on that plan B. If you have not already, really think about reaching out to a women's shelter and getting some help for yourself like IC and free legal advice.

nekonamida posted 2/8/2020 18:44 PM

And one more thing - no contact as much as possible mean no new hurts. Whatever you think you're going to get from going through his phone again, confronting him about continued dishonesty, or provoking any kind of response IS NOT worth the abuse he will hurl at you. It's not working so you have to stop for your own sake. And if you ever feel afraid of what he will do to you, call the police!

nekorb posted 2/9/2020 06:38 AM

Oh how I recognize myself in you. My old self, that is.

I know this isnít what you want to hear, but you need to start moving toward leaving this jack wagon. Get your finances in order. Get a credit card in your own name if you donít have one. Your own bank account. Find an attorney if you donít have one. (I apologize, Iím not here too often anymore and donít know your whole story).

He is not going to change. He is abusive. This is not a good situation for you or your children.

Get angry. Move forward.

Gottagetthrough posted 2/9/2020 14:04 PM

Get your finances in order. Get a credit card in your own name if you donít have one. Your own bank account. Find an attorney if you donít have one.

Finances- after he transferred a 15,000 credit card debt to me I have never shared finances with him. (he said, sign this... I said, ďhaha, you know I must trust you to sign this . You could leave me and Iíd have to pay the whole thing!Ē That was May 2009 and he left November 2009)

I am 100% debt free. He has goodness knows what. Last year he started taking out credit cards. I asked if I could have passwords since I do the bill paying. And he said no. So have fun with that buddy.

Credit card- I have a debit card. After paying off 4 cc and student loan debt I vowed never to have another credit card.

I have a bank account that he has no control over

I have an appointment with the divorce attorney tomorrow.

I am not in a place where I can leave him. Mostly emotionally. I am going to IC though and have told her thatís my goal- to value myself enough to drop this jerk like a hot potato. Iím satisfied with the progress Iíve made in the past 2 or so weeks.

Wish I told my 25 year old self to leave him the first time he pulled this shit. (At my friends wedding he told me heís always loved her and wished heíd met her first, then he would have married her. But he wasnít going to leave me.. I was his second choice...)

Lol. Yeah right. I donít even believe that. I think he ďlovesĒ other women to make me feel like shit and to control me into staying with him and trying to please him. Most of the women he chooses Over me (ow 1 and 2 are so below me itís obvious heís looking for a wounded animal to Ďsaveí Or prey upon. Or manipulate.

tushnurse posted 2/10/2020 07:12 AM

While Iím in there he starts yelling at me and calling me ton of fun and kicking the bathroom door. I was scared to leave he was kicking so hard (thereís a large crack in it now)

Take pictures of it. You need to keep a VAR on you when he is around. His behavior is escalating and I don't care that he is an attorney, this is abuse, and any judge would agree. He is attempting to control you w/ fear and anger. You need documentation of it. As he continues to feel he is losing control over you you need to prepare for him escalating his behaviors. That means being prepared to record his abusive language, and threats.

Then disengage as much as possible.
(((And Strength)))

Gottagetthrough posted 2/10/2020 08:25 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:28 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 2/10/2020 08:27 AM


I had my phone in the bathroom. I recorded it.

I told the judge 10 years ago he was abusive and described events. He said, ďwell if he was abusive, why would you go back with him?Ē I had pictures in my files at the table with my attorney. For some reason they werenít shown. We did show pictures of bottles of prescription drugs that he had. Seriously, No one cared.

Judges donít care. In divorce cases they think any woman who says sheís abused is just trying to get the kids.

I need Wh to sign them over to me on his own.

DragnHeart posted 2/10/2020 08:31 AM

It's been said but I'll say it again...the next time hes physically aggressive in any way you CALL THE POLICE. Period!

Please let your divorce attorney know what happened.

tushnurse posted 2/10/2020 09:50 AM

Gotta Honey - You need an attorney that is used to fighting for abused women. Not someone who will allow you to be shamed for attempting to make it work with your childrens father.

EvenKeel posted 2/10/2020 10:06 AM

I am 100% debt free. He has goodness knows what. Last year he started taking out credit cards.
I know you are working to get your ducks in a row. Please have an attorney help you financially. You think you are debt-free but if he is taking out cards/debt; they are marital debts. He had no problem leaving you before with his debt; I doubt he has changed in that regards.

But damnit Iíve been married for 20 years to this crazy jerk. I deserve a damn apology.
I am sorry he is such an idiot. I am sorry he continues to hurt you. I am sorry he is so rude to the mother of his children.
Please accept our apologies on SI - he is not capable of giving a MEANINGFUL apology so please do not expect it from him.

Just look at all the disrespect in one night alone. Refuses to help you from the car, lays in bed while you are getting the kids to bed and pumping, mocks you regarding the passcode, all of a sudden has the energy NOW to get out of bed just to damage the door and insult you.

Sending you strength GF to get to a healthier place for you and your babies!

Gottagetthrough posted 2/11/2020 01:00 AM

After all this, and so, so much more that I havenít posted about on SI... why is it ripping my guts out to divorce him? I donít want to!!! I want him to be the person who comes out and is nice and funny . I know thatís an act. I know heís the shit who cheats and tells other women he loves them two days before his third child is born and confides in them that they donít want that third child... but damnit I miss that illusion. I miss the man I thought he could be with the right help for his bipolar. I miss the person I thought I saw in him.

Also, I feel so damn stupid. And like Iíve wasted so many years on him. I feel like I invested all of my time and money in the Edsel of men.

EllieKMAS posted 2/11/2020 11:08 AM

Gotta - divorce sucks. Even when it's right. Even when it's healthy. IT SUCKS. Any worthwhile change is always hard, and no change in life comes without some level of pain. The thing I try to keep front-of-mind during those times is this: Is the pain I will maybe feel while going through this process bigger or smaller than the pain I will feel staying how things are? Most of the time in my case, the maybe pain ends up being way less than I thought it would be and miles less than the pain of staying stuck in a shitty situation.

You have been in your M for a long time. It's a big change to think about leaving it. You are allowed to (and totally should) grieve that loss. I sense that the bigger part of you is ready to face the pain of the change. But that scared trauma-bonded part is resisting that, telling you you can't leave until [fill-in-the-blank], you get an apology, he does a, b, or c, you feel this way or that way. I might be off the mark, but that is kinda what I've been reading in your posts lately.

Scared is ok. You wouldn't be human if you weren't scared. Allllll of this is scary. It's up to you what scares you worse.

Sending hugs your way!

homewrecked2011 posted 2/14/2020 03:51 AM

Keep going to the IC, and keep posting here.

The things you want (apology, etc) you might get further down the road after you get a D and he has to look at himself, and gets lots of therapy. it does happen from time to time on this site.

I donít think many people on SI wanted a D. At some point things ďclickedĒ and they realized that their kids would be better off having 2 houses- one that was calm, stable run by the safe parent. The kids usually have to go to the other parents house for visitation, but at least they have a stable place to come home to.


crazyblindsided posted 2/14/2020 11:53 AM

I feel like I invested all of my time and money in the Edsel of men.

Yep we won the lemons

(((Gottagetthrough))) it is hard to let go of our dreams. I did not want my kids to come from a broken family. We didn't cause this and we have to love ourselves more than our STBX's. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through Infidelity and now Separation. Both are traumatic in their own way. We have to give ourselves lots of time and love to get through this.

But damnit Iíve been married for 20 years to this crazy jerk. I deserve a damn apology.

You may get one, but will it matter? I have gotten many apologies but nothing changes. Sometimes I feel like the apologies are another form of manipulation. It often causes me more issues with cognitive dissonance.

I too feel like my guts are being ripped out for my kids, STBX, and myself. We all lost because of his choices and actions. It's just sad all the way around. Such a waste all in the name of ego kibbles and validation

Keep going, one foot in front of the other even if it's baby steps! You got this!

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