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What's the worse piece of "advice"...

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ibonnie posted 4/28/2020 10:54 AM

What's the worst piece of advice you were given or read somewhere post d-day? (In theory, before you discovered SI.)

For me, it was that a depressed/mopey WS was a good sign because it meant they had actually ended their A and were mourning the end of their "relationship."

The1stWife posted 4/28/2020 10:58 AM

From a good friend when he changed the password to his email(you know the secret email account I wasn’t to know about🤪 “well if you don’t think he’s cheating then don’t say anything.”

Big mistake! Unknowingly the affair started up again and I was then in false reconciliation for months.

I should have known but I was not on SI then.

Other than that my counselor was amazing and gave me great guidance. Saved my sanity.

AnnieMae posted 4/28/2020 11:39 AM

From my mother in law when I made my fWH tell her- "you are just going to have to forget this ever happened. Throwing it in his face all the time will just make him do it again"

Yeah.... ummm. Nope

Bigger posted 4/28/2020 12:03 PM

Often heard here on SI:
“Don’t do anything for six months”.

If you do nothing all you do is remain in infidelity. I prefer to think you should act but act logically and sensibly. Preferably without burning bridges behind you – at least the ones you might need to re-cross.

ibonnie posted 4/28/2020 12:07 PM

Often heard here on SI:
“Don’t do anything for six months”.
If you do nothing all you do is remain in infidelity. I prefer to think you should act but act logically and sensibly. Preferably without burning bridges behind you – at least the ones you might need to re-cross.

Yes! Heard that one, too, and not just on SI. I think better advice would be to get your ducks in a row and reassess in three or six months. If there's no positive changes on your WS's part, then you've had three or six months to prepare to pull the trigger -- me or AP, and if you're not choosing me then GTFO and I'm filing for D.

Thissucks5678 posted 4/28/2020 12:12 PM

Your husband would never cheat, he’s the greatest guy, quit worrying about that, it’s just your craziness acting up! My dumbass listened to my friends! Ugh. I will never get over that - I knew something was up and I allowed my two best friends to talk me down from the ledge.

Thissucks5678 posted 4/28/2020 12:12 PM

Oops, just saw it was supposed to be post dday.

EllieKMAS posted 4/28/2020 12:16 PM

“Don’t do anything for six months”.
While I certainly can see some benefit to not making a hasty decision.... My gut instinct the night of dday1 was to tell him to get the fuck out of my house and don't come back. I didn't want to make a "hasty decision" when I was still so upset, so I agreed to stick around. 9 more months of lies, bullshit, pain, suffering... Yeah, I would have been better to follow my gut. I will not make that mistake again.

Other advice - "Everyone deserves a second chance". No. Everyone does NOT.

thatbpguy posted 4/28/2020 12:51 PM

A very trusted friend told me early on that when a man's wife cheats it's all the husband's fault for letting it happen.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 4/28/2020 12:52 PM

Not to talk about it. Put it behind me and move on. That my husband wouldn’t be able to stay if he had to. I knew that was bullshit when I heard it.

The1stWife posted 4/28/2020 13:13 PM

When I told the first two people about the affair I also heard “ no way, not him”.

When I told them he admitted it, then I heard they still had a hard time believing it.

No one thought he would do something like that.

Throwaway999 posted 4/28/2020 13:18 PM

Not so much advice but when I called my BFF to tell her about affair, she had to pull her car over so she wouldn’t get in an accident. She could not it believe it. He was the last person anyone would have suspected. His brothers said had he not admitted directly to them...they would have never believed me ever. My mother in law asked me what people were saying about her because of my husband’s affair. Eye roll.

ChamomileTea posted 4/28/2020 13:22 PM

I think, the worst "piece of advice" is actually the whole spectrum of "unmet needs" pop-psychology which can still be found on bookshelves and in therapy offices today. I bought into it rather heavily when I caught out my WH in some online shenanigans fifteen years ago. What a crock! Not only does the "unmet needs" model point the finger at the BS for not being a fulfilling partner ...it says NOTHING about the character of a person for whom CHEATING is a valid choice in his decision tree!

I look back and can't believe how I could be duped so easily.


Justsomeguy posted 4/28/2020 13:22 PM

It's a toss up between two pieces of advice given to me by my mother in law, who, coincidently, was married to a serial cheater. Both pieces of advice were equally shitty. One, you don't need to know the details, it will just make things worse. Two, just man up and get over it. Yup, real piece of work that woman not a lit of empathy in that family.

Loukas posted 4/28/2020 13:31 PM

"Go fuck her friend, then you'll know where you two stand."

Catwoman posted 4/28/2020 15:14 PM

I agree with the whole "unmet needs" crock.

We all have basic needs, and it is up to us to communicate them to those important in our lives.

Some people have "unrealistic wants" masquerading as "needs" and need to be challenged on their flawed thinking. It is also unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of an individual's needs. That is why we have healthy outside interests, friends of the marriage, family, etc. It is also unrealistic to expect someone to meet these "needs" without them ever being identified. Furthermore, it is wholly unrealistic to have unrealistic wants and pretend they are needs. There are those who expect porn star sex every time, who want to give little and get a lot and who expect things to be as exciting and novel as when one first starts dating. I find those individuals to be very emotionally shallow and stunted. Mature people understand love cycles through many phases and you most often get out of it what you are willing to put into it.

My least favorite piece of advice is "be nice and they will be nice back." This does not work with anyone who has a narcissistic bent, and certainly never works with someone in the throes of an affair.

Cat

oldtruck posted 4/28/2020 15:38 PM

Often heard here on SI:
“Don’t do anything for six months”.
If you do nothing all you do is remain in infidelity. I prefer to think you should act but act logically and sensibly. Preferably without burning bridges behind you – at least the ones you might need to re-cross.

i disagree.

waiting six months is advice for those that are not sure as to
divorce or attempt recovery.

deciding on whether to divorce or not to divorce has nothing to
do with fighting to get their WS to end their affair and go NC
with the AP.

once the BS has their proof that the WS is cheating they are
to start fighting the affair. they can wait before they file for
divorce.

then they can file for divorce even if they have not decided
to divorce because many times being served snaps the WS
out of the fog and they end the affair.

then as we all know some people choose recovery. then after
walking that path for a few years they realize that they
cannot and then they decide to divorce.

nothing is written in stone dealing with emotions and pain.

wait for six months and stating that do not anything is taking
it out of context and giving it a very limited and narrow
meaning.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 3:42 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

Stinger posted 4/28/2020 15:54 PM

Why waste 6 months? Chances are you have been abused for a long time already. These types seldom change. It is their basic nature.

landclark posted 4/28/2020 17:14 PM

That you shouldn’t monitor phones, etc. I found out after dday he continued to reach out to one woman until I found the secret snapchat account. If I hadn’t been checking I have no doubt he would still be doing that behind my back.

If they don’t want you to have access to everything, I think that’s a very bad sign.

sewardak posted 4/28/2020 17:20 PM

so many - hard to choose:

"you HAVE to forgive." FTS...

from some fucking/many therapists: set aside some time during the day to discuss it and then spend the rest of the day building positive interactions.....
FU. Just, so I'm supposed to have a positive interaction while wanting to strangle him? ok then....

"if you have to hire a PI/administer a polygraph then you have no marriage to save." - not true.

"work on yourself." - erks me but I get it. I wish it was rephrased as "set up your expectations (immediate NC, he gets into IC, he doesn't get to grieve his AP ever) ignore his bullshit, start saving money, get into IC and see a lawyer no matter what."

best advice: recovering from this is an organic process, feel all the feels, trust the process. Know that it will take a lot of time - years!

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