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FuturewasStolen posted 5/1/2020 13:42 PM

Hi, Iím new to this board. Iíve been posting a bit on the just found out board, but I think itís time for me to move here. Basic background: WH and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for almost 8. We have three kids together aged 3, 2, and 5 months. End of February I found out he had been having an affair since June/July 2019. Since then itís been two months of fake R and giving up and him coming back and then changing his mind and going back to her. Two months of emotions up and down and waiting for the next shoe to drop. Most recently we were going to try to see if R was an option. But I knew it wasnít. He gave me so many blatant examples that he is not the man I need/want/deserve. He couldnít be there for me emotionally. I had no support. So I told him that Iím done. Weíre over. It was so hard. And so emotional. Heís still a good dad, and heíll always be in my life because of the kids. But I am so completely heartbroken. Itís hard to keep it together right now and not just bawl all day but I canít do that because Iím taking care of our kids. (Heís an essential worker so has been working this whole time.). So heís going to move out and weíre going to explain it to our sons, in terms they can understand, and that will be it.

It just feels so final. Which I guess, duh. It was my decision and I know itís the right one. And I do have so much anger. But right now I feel so completely numb. I just keep thinking about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other. I see him and I want to fall apart. I donít feel strong. When will this ever start to get easier?

Sorry this is so all over the place. Thatís kind of how my mind is right now, canít think straight.

FuturewasStolen posted 5/1/2020 18:39 PM

I am so fucking sad.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/1/2020 18:45 PM

Hey FS. YEah, it is sad. It really is. So feel it. And honestly, youíre going to be sad for a while.
But things that help:
Take control. YOuíve done this like a freakiní rockstar.
Have you talked to a lawyer? Do that ASAPó make sure you getting all you and your kids are owed. (See a couple- often they have free first sessions).
Check finances to make sure nothing shady is going on ó you need to protect you and the kids.
Do you own your home?

What support are you getting? Rally your troops. Family, friends, church, therapists.... Find support. Especially now since you canít get away. Journal, exercise, cry in the shower, do what you need to stay healthy and have an outlet.

Keep posting. You are a strong decisive rockstar. And you are allowed to be sad.
(((Hugs))). Infidelity sucks. But you WILL get through this.

Justsomeguy posted 5/1/2020 19:42 PM

They take so much from us. You are going to be sad for a while, but it slowly gets better. I'm not going to lie to you, it takes work, resolve, and time.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/1/2020 20:22 PM

FwS, I am in awe of your strength. You got yourself out of infidelity in record time, with three small babies at home. During a pandemic. Just wow.

I know you are reeling, but I am looking back at you from a few years down the pike... And you are light years ahead of where I was. I was a dysfunctional Trainwreck for two whole years after DDay. You are incredible. And yes it's going to hurt for a long time. But you just cut your pain in half by getting out early. One day at a time dear lady. We are here for you.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:22 PM, May 1st (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/1/2020 20:42 PM

Futurewasstolen,

It is a good handle. So true. I am so very sorry you are here.

You should be sad, you are grieving and hurting. Your life, love and family is not what you thought. I am so sorry.

Any man who would do this with such a young family is an irresponsible twat. And not a man you can depend on.

Good for you for deciding. You are so very strong. It took me two years to decide to try R and then he ended it.

I get your pain, you will have more pain, more tears, and more sad days. There also will be flashes of pure strength, moments of small joys, fun events where you laugh. Although maybe not a lot of them to start, each day, each week, each month it is a bit better, bit easier...

I am sure you are stronger than me, and I am still standing.

Do what you need to for you, to protect your kids.

You can do this.

We understand honey... big hugs.

Be kind to you.


The1stWife posted 5/2/2020 05:37 AM

You are smart enough to see you have two months of fake reconciliation and you need to move on.

Very emotional decision to make. But you KNOW you donít have any other choice.

Iím sorry for you and your children. I really am. But you will be better off living without a lying cheating spouse in your home.

FuturewasStolen posted 5/2/2020 06:03 AM

Thank you to you all. Itís so helpful to not feel so alone. I gotta tell you though, I donít feel like a strong person right now. I feel like Iíve been a fool for so long.

A couple of weeks ago I had so much anger in me. I felt stronger then. But right now Iím just so full of grief at whatís been taken away that I canít even see the anger. And I donít want him to see me crying like this. I donít want him to pity me. I want to be strong in front of him, itís just so hard. When he comes around heís somehow able to act like nothing is wrong, like nothing has changed. He still wants to chit chat and make jokes and heís so light and easy to laugh. I donít know if itís him compartmentalizing or the fact that the affair has been going on for so long that he really doesnít care that our marriage is over. And that hurts. I want him to have to hurt too.

Now we get to figure out telling the kids and schedules and all the logistics. It makes it even more real. Once we tell the kids thereís really no going back. I mean, I know I canít go back, but that just puts the last nail in the coffin I guess.

Iíve completely stopped taking care of myself and I know that thatís the worst thing I could do. I usually try to go to the gym at least a couple times a week and I keep myself to a diet and I feel so good about myself. Now the gyms are all closed and Iíve been eating like crap all the time and am not active at all. I just feel like Iím getting fatter and grosser. Ugh. Itís so hard though to jump back into the diet. Usually Iím so good at it, but right now I have no motivation because I already feel so crappy anyway. I keep adding things like this to ďthe listĒ in my head. The list of things heís taken away from me.

I know grief has stages and Iím obviously in depression mode right now. I gotta say though, I canít wait to get back to anger because that one wasnít as painful.

Tallgirl posted 5/2/2020 06:25 AM

From some one who did thing wrong, and can see some of it.

Firstly, this man has had no consequences. You Must put yourself first. Do not talk to him. Do not engage in anything with him but what is necessary. Do not let him live in a fantasyland. If he is hiding his affair to family, friends, do not allow this. You tell them that he is abandoning his young family. He is being a selfish prick. Try to transact with him if you have to, not interact.

About the tears, they are normal, expected and healthy. You are grieving. You need to grieve, allow yourself to. Work with the grief and sadness, you do need to process it. It is ok. You are not weak because of sadness, you are beautifully human.

Remember, you are a beautiful person, honest and true.. a mother of 3 amazing little kids. You are their world. They will always love you.. you did not deserve this. You did not cause this. They are his decisions and choices made from the gutter of infidelity.

And honey, you are strong. The anger, it is still there to help you. Be angry at him. He deserves your anger but DoNOT be angry at yourself. This is my biggest challenge. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be sad but you must love you. Be kind to you.

You will get through this. It is not it easy but your strength is there. Just be kind to yourself.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:26 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

FuturewasStolen posted 5/2/2020 09:00 AM

And right when I thought he was a decent human being, he proves me wrong again.

He just has to try to tear me down and destroy me. And he does. He tells me how except for not seeing the kids that heís absolutely fine, how he doesnít miss me at all. Heís been over us for a year now and he wishes he wouldíve just left a year ago.

I am shattered. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to scream at him until he wakes up and takes it back. How can he not love me anymore? How can he be so cruel and hurt me so much? He would have more compassion for some stranger on the street than he has for me. Heís trying to act like a big man who knows everything and Iím just this poor sob who doesnít know shit. Heís talking to me like heís the boss and Iím worthless and clueless and has no power at all. Like he gets to make all the decisions. Heís not in love. He doesnít care about me. Thatís it.

[This message edited by FuturewasStolen at 9:06 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Brokenheart29 posted 5/2/2020 14:53 PM

I really feel your pain. You are heartbroken and itís awful.
First of all id recommend writing down all the hurtful things he has said and done since Dday and probably during the affair. When your mind wanders to thinking heís a good, decent person read what youíve wrote. He isnít a good person. A good person doesnít have an affair, walk out on their children and treat their partner in that way. You need to see who he is now. The man you loved no longer exists.
Secondly he is following a typical wayward script. You are the enemy. You are a reminder that all the fun he was/is having isnít right. Whatever lies heís told (he wasnít happy, you didnít give him enough attention etc) he believes fully. Thatís why he is awful. You are the evil wife who doesnít make him happy. Itís such nonsense but he is so far in the fog he canít and probably will never see the truth.
Nows the time to file. If he doesnít want to be a family then take that privilege away. You need to focus on you and the children now. Try go nc as much as possible. Texting or emailing only about the children and finances. You need space away from him. Youíve got this. Itís hard but with time you will heal and be so strong.

ChamomileTea posted 5/2/2020 15:02 PM

Sweetie, he doesn't share your values. And he doesn't have the capacity for love that you have. It's really difficult to accept, I know. But when you're projecting YOUR values and YOUR ability to love unto someone who just isn't that deep, it's no wonder you're feeling floored, like it doesn't make sense.

Your disbelief is stemming from applying your own lovely qualities to a person who doesn't share them. He makes perfect sense if you think of him as "soulless", or "a teaspoon deep", or as a "narcissist". The image you're carrying of him in your mind isn't accurate. You're still viewing him through the lens YOU created, when you met him, when you married him, when you lived with him, when you decided to have his children. See him for what he is. When you do, you can start moving on.

((hugs))


Okokok posted 5/2/2020 15:06 PM

How can he not love me anymore? How can he be so cruel and hurt me so much?

A literal answer to this question is that they get like this when they're actively in the A. If this A could be blown up somehow (exposure to the OBS, exposure to work), his whole attitude would likely change. It always does.

Outside of exposure, the other thing that often changes their tune is a hard 180. If the WS sees the BS is moving on, is ok, isn't talking to them anymore, etc., they (sometimes/often) go into panic mode and change their tune.

I don't know that it matters anymore in your situation. But how/when are you having these conversations with him? If you can do 180 and stop engaging, I'd bet you'll get less of this attitude from him. Even if you don't, though, *you* will feel better.

Listen to Tallgirl and Brokenheart29. They are right.

[This message edited by Okokok at 3:06 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

FuturewasStolen posted 5/2/2020 18:10 PM

You all are so right. You give such good advice. He has done so much to me and to this family. I donít know why itís so hard to stay mad at him. Why I still care if he cares about me.

We told our son tonight that dad is going to sleep at dads house now. Heís only 3 so he doesnít really get it yet. But it still broke my heart into a million pieces.

I know I can get through this. I get so much strength from reading your responses. When Iím sitting by myself at night and i want to text him or call him because Iím sad and I miss my beat friend, Iíll come here first and read some of the many wonderful posts. And i get strength, and it reminds me to think about what he did to us. That he is not a person I should be missing. I should be looking forward to our future instead. I am so thankful to this site and all of you.

Hugs to you all

Hedwig posted 5/3/2020 09:40 AM

FuturewasStolen, you are doing amazing! It's totally normal to be hurt and sad and to miss him. Those are all valid feelings. Just remember, the fact that you miss someone, does not mean they should be in your life. Change usually brings along grief, even if it's a change for a better future.

I got the advice to write down whatever makes me feel better and each time I feel sad, hurt, whatever: to do one of the things that make me feel better. It can be a couple of deep breaths, a glass of water, a nice hot cup of coffee, if you have a garden maybe go there and feel the sun on your face, maybe it's a comedy special on netflix, a nice warm shower, putting on some body lotion. These are all small things and they are what adds up in a day. You can do them in 5 minutes, that's the best part.

Eating more healthy might seem like a BIG task, especially when your whole life has been turned upside down. So make it small: eat an apple. Then enjoy your pizza and big mac. Do it again the next day; eat one piece of fruit. And slowly but surely, these small things will add up to feeling better.

I have been there, I am there. After 1,5 year of false R, I broke up with my WEXBF 3 weeks ago. At first it seemed daunting: quarantine and breaking up. But I try to focus on me. Sometimes it feels horrible and I really miss him and that's okay.

KarmaBusBeepBeep posted 5/3/2020 10:18 AM

In an attempt to take some of the sting out for you, that line about how he was ďoverĒ the marriage a year ago? Itís not even true. Heís an angry little toddler who got caught and they will lash out with whatever words will inflict the most pain. Itís so pitiful.

FuturewasStolen posted 5/3/2020 10:33 AM

How do I get over the fact that family time as I know it is gone? Watching him with my boys, how good he is with them. And then they leave and Iím alone. Iím not part of it anymore.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/3/2020 10:52 AM

It may not seem like it now, but he's done you a favor. A gigantic favor by getting out now and moving forward with your life then trying to struggle through the next few years like this.

I totally get how sad you are, and having your family life change irrevocably is incredibly sad, but I will tell you this: reframe this experience for yourself to move forward. While you may now share custody, use the time on your own to develop new friendships, interests and hobbies. And use the time you have with your kids to develop stronger parenting skills and relationships with them.

Iím not part of it anymore.

And he's not a part of yours anymore. He won't be a part of the strong bond that you'll have with your children and the integrity that being the person that didn't cut and run or cheat or lie or do all the shitty things that he's done. Nothing can replace you in your children's lives. You're doing amazing, despite the heartbreak, and you will adjust to this new normal and thrive.

Okokok posted 5/3/2020 13:34 PM

How do I get over the fact that family time as I know it is gone?

This is the hardest part at first, but it really gets not only better but *good*. No joke.

BrokenheartedUK is absolutely correct. Here are a few things:

-- My time with my kids is *awesome* and is not controlled in any way by exWW. Remember that your time with your kids was *shared* by WH and kinda "tainted" in that way (and, even if it's hard to see that it ever was, it certainly WOULD be tainted if you continued in some awful staying-together-for-the-kids scenario)

-- When they're gone, yeah, I miss them (especially at first). So I do things for them. Buy their favorite groceries. Get them some new pajamas. Order a board game to play with them. Wash and fold their little clothes. Etc. You should do those things, too, beginning now.

-- Guess what? My exWW, being generally not awesome, is usually eager to give up time with kids in order to pursue boyfriend activities, etc. I pounce on every opportunity I get to have them extra. You can probably do that, too. Always be willing to "pitch in" and give that "helping hand." It's being a good coparent and breeds positivity and goodwill, and you get more time with kiddos.

-- I also generally have opportunities to grab one (or all) and take them to lunch, for ice cream, a doctor's appointment, etc. I always volunteer for doctor's appointments, even on my "off" days.

~

Even if you do none of the above, with 50/50 custody, you take a breath and they're back before you know it.

I really do get that it's hard at first, and I won't lie and say I *never* miss them. But my non-kid time has become valuable dad-time, and I use that time mindfully to be a better dad/person altogether.

Which is a net benefit to the kids.

It really does get really really good!

[This message edited by Okokok at 1:36 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

FuturewasStolen posted 5/3/2020 16:52 PM

Even though Iím not responding directly I am reading each and every response I get. I do want to respond to you. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I know I sound like a broken record. But I donít know where else to turn right now. I donít want to burden my best friend to listening to the same sobbing over and over.

This weekend has been really tough. Like really really tough. Everything became so real. Like, Iíve been telling myself this was all going to happen for months now, and preparing myself. And telling myself that I can do this, get through this, that everything is going to be ok. So why now is part of my mind still shocked that itís actually happening?

Heís moved out. We told our son that dad doesnít live here anymore. He took the kids by himself for the afternoon. We have a tentative schedule for going forward. And I donít think Iíve ever been in as much pain as I am right now. All I keep thinking about is when he did love me. And then I think about everything he put me through. How he could cheat on me for 8 months. While I was pregnant. How he could kiss her, laugh with her, have sex with her, and then come home and lay in bed next to me. Itís disgusting. And Iím devastated. And every fiber of my being wants to call him, and run to him in tears and have him comfort me. Even though I hate him right now. But going to him isnít an option. I donít even want him to see my tears. Itís been hard this weekend but Iíve kept them to myself as much as I could.

This sounds so stupid. I knew this was happening. Itís not like Iím surprised, but itís almost like a part of me is? Like even after talking about it all, I really am going to be on my own. Raise these boys. Keep this home. Put myself to bed. Itís all on my own now. But itís not new! So why am I in shock?

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