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gmc94 posted 5/9/2020 12:24 PM

I've been reading the Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson (got via digital library). A lot of it is really resonating and I highly recommend it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The injustice is so awful for the BS. Yet, it is what it is and the best we can do is work on ourselves.

Godspeed through this next journey.

squid posted 5/9/2020 13:15 PM

Heís still a good dad

A good dad doesn't cheat on his kids' mom and risk the safety and sanctity of his family, and then duck out. He's a selfish asshat and a pathetic run-of-the-mill cheater.

It will take a while for your heart to catch up with your head. But you will get through this. It's a marathon, unfortunately. Not a sprint. Just know that it does get better.


homewrecked2011 posted 5/9/2020 20:45 PM

I was really having a hard time, then I met a lady whoís husband had died and left her with 2 children. She was determined to give them a great childhood. Then I realized anything can happen in life. This POS left us and thank God he did bc I could raise my kids my wayó in a peaceful home., and give them a good, safe rest of their childhood. Their Dad is still alive and they can see them anytime, which is rarely, but their choice (and I totally support them not seeing him but in their terms).

I downloaded a short book called ďLove Must Be ToughĒ - as in Tough Love, do not let anyone disrespect the wonderful person you are...especially a spouse. Stand tall, set boundaries, and D if necessary, bc to allow disrespect is completely unacceptable. Ha- the book is by a Christian counselor and he says itís never ok to accept disrespect, we are far too great for that. I was so strong by chapter 2, that when now xh showed some remorse, I told him to get 6 months of Therapy and only then would I even consider having a conversation with him, that he was incredibly in need of intensive help!!!! I knew if I let him back, he would go it again and the kids and I could not take it again.

Of course they were empty words, he chose OW and the kids tell me they fight all the time.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/11/2020 09:24 AM

Please don't do this to your kids:

I'm not even sure you're required to share the kids right now. Have you consulted an attorney and drawn up any paperwork? Or is your agreement just between the 2 of you? YOUR health is the most important thing right now and if not seeing him is what it will take to protect your health, then so be it. You owe him nothing and your kids will be fine if they don't see him for a couple of weeks.

As a child of a non-infidelity divorce and then as a child of a marriage resulting from an A (my mom was the OW) had my parents done what is being suggested above it would have made things 1,000,000 times harder for us. When you decide to become a parent you are supposed to be doing what is right for your kids, over yourself, over everything else. Don't let this clusterfuck make things more awkward and more painful for your children, unless you do not think they are safe with your STBX. An amicable agreement is the BEST thing you can do for them - keeping things as "normal" as possible in this totally abnormal time is the biggest act of love you can show.

All that aside, I KNOW how you feel about the pain and abandonment. My WH did the same pretty much - never gave things a chance, and when he decided he had enough (we were in IHC at the time) he seemed "fine" and all of a sudden wanted to check on me to see if I was okay. All of a sudden he was sorry for what he had done and put me through, but he felt better. Granted, all that didn't last. When push came to shove he didn't want me to leave...but it was too late...and honestly for your purposes it doesn't matter.

It SUCKS to feel like you stuck around even for one second after the A, and then you get tossed aside. It does get better - most of us cannot stay stuck in one emotional state for too long. It's too hard to sustain - that's why time is the great healer. It's a process, and if I could make it faster I would - granted I think if I could make it faster boards like this would be empty. You are deep - he is shallow - in the end, having that full range of emotions is better and more real, even if the lows hurt more - the highs are better too - and the long term is no contest. You will get through this.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:25 AM, May 11th (Monday)]

ibonnie posted 5/11/2020 09:51 AM

You owe him nothing and your kids will be fine if they don't see him for a couple of weeks.

When you decide to become a parent you are supposed to be doing what is right for your kids, over yourself, over everything else. Don't let this clusterfuck make things more awkward and more painful for your children, unless you do not think they are safe with your STBX.

ThisIsSoLonely, wouldn't they be better off quaranting away from STBX if he's possibly exposing himself, and then the wife and kids, to covid-19?

Obviously you don't want to prevent any parent from seeing their children, gor the benefit of the children, but if STBX really cared, shouldn't he not be bouncing back and forth from AP to his family?

Normal people, not touched by infidelity, are forgoing seeing family right now to protect them from possible infection. Doing drive by visits to wave from the car. Virtual chats to see grandparents. If STBX is still seeing AP, then he should be quaranting two weeks before seeing his wife and kids.

OwningItNow posted 5/11/2020 13:05 PM

I've been reading the Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson (got via digital library). A lot of it is really resonating and I highly recommend it.

Totally agree. This book helped to unstick my painful thoughts.

FuturewasStolen posted 5/11/2020 19:55 PM

Iíve been letting him see the kids. Heís an essential worker and has been working this entire time anyway. Yes, itís more risk, but thatís what I decided to do.

Iíve been having a rough couple of days. I feel like Iím walking around in a fog of sadness. At the moment Iím having a hard time with the fact that he rejected me. He made me so many promises and I was married! I wasnít supposed to have to worry about being rejected anymore! I was safe! But he took that all away and stopped choosing me. And that hurts so much. Itís not that I want him back, itís that he tossed me away so easily. Iím trying my best to not go down the road of thinking that I wasnít enough. Enough to keep him interested, happy, ect. I know in my mind that itís go nothing to do with me.

Whenever I see him on his phone I canít stop wondering if heís texting her. Whenever heís not here I canít stop picturing him with her. It makes me sick and I canít stop crying. And I canít stop eating. I put my boys to bed and I just eat so much. Itís so gross and I feel gross. I know I have to get it in check.

I just donít know how he could have done this to me. And to our boys. I know Iíll never understand. I keep telling myself that I have to let myself feel these things. That I have to go through this and process it and thatís the only way to get over him somehow, someday. But I am in so much pain.

LadyG posted 5/11/2020 20:15 PM

Hi FuturewasStolen,

I have been there, children aged 3, 2, 5 months. Now aged 25, 23, 22 years that is.

Itís indeed very sad. I have been there, seen others and here you are too.

I loved that time in my life. Blissfully unaware of what WH was really up to... but blissfully ignorant meant that I could be a mummy or mommy that was my sole or soul focus.

When it happened again, children 8, 6, 5 yr old I came to terms with being a solo parent. I had been doing it all along.

Yes, WH stole my future, time and time again... over and over and did it again last year when I was brave enough to get out to save whatever was left of the time I have left in this lifetime.

Hindsight and foresight has been stolen too and yes, WH tried to steal my babies. My heart and soul and my reason for living.

I canít tell you what is best for you, but think about whether you are strong enough to do this time and time again.

Bless you 🙏🏼

FuturewasStolen posted 5/12/2020 17:06 PM

Rough day today. Kinda mini breakdown. WH was looking after the boys and I laid in my bed for three hours without moving a muscle. Just stared at my wedding ring that I havenít worn in a month or so. I feel like a zombie lately. It feeling anything but a fog of sadness. I feel pretty pitiful and pathetic.

Tomorrow I might try if I can find some ic. I donít know if Iíll be able to with everything around me shut down. Does anyone have experience with AD? I donít feel good lately. Not that Iím thinking of harming myself or anyone else so please donít jump to worrying about that. I just donít feel much of anything. I fake it for my kids. But Iím so empty. I know only time can really heal that.

I feel like Iím not coping anymore. Like the mountain that Iíve been avoiding looking at fully has crushed me. I donít know how to get back up. It feels impossible to ever feel happy again.

[This message edited by FuturewasStolen at 6:16 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

FuturewasStolen posted 5/13/2020 16:53 PM

I got a little bit stronger today.

He got into a fight with AP. He told me it was the end of it (heard that before), that he took all his stuff and it was over with her. His car was packed with his stuff so I do believe that. Get this though, he wanted to move back in!! Thatís part of what had me spiraling. He said he had no where else to go and canít afford to just stay at a motel.

It took me half a day to work up to it, but I told him he canít stay here. I told him if he didnít move out then I would pack up the boys and we would leave. It was so hard. He was shocked. And hurt. And that was hard for me because I do still love him somehow and it was hard to hurt him. But I know I feel better when heís not here. Iím stronger when heís not here. And he has no right to be here anymore, he threw that away.

ChamomileTea posted 5/13/2020 23:42 PM

I'm really proud of you. He put you on the spot and it must've been hard to say "no". But it was the right thing to do and you did it, so make sure you don't second-guess yourself. You can look through your own posts here at SI and SEE his pattern. About a month goes by and he comes back, acting like it's no big deal. Then, he goes back to contact with the AP and treating you like you're overreacting to his betrayal and negligence.
Really, copy/paste the link below and read your opening post on this thread. That's where you'd be again if you had let him stay.

It's unconscionable, the way he treats you. He knows you care about him and then ruthlessly USES it against you, over and over, to the point where it's YOU worrying that you're hurting HIM.
It's impossible NOT to hurt a narcissist. Anything that isn't fawning approval is painful to a narc. But kowtowing to Planet Ego isn't any way to live, right?

You're not missing anything. There's been no 'come to Jesus' here. When a WS is truly remorseful, you can SEE it. It shows in actions and in their willingness to do ANYTHING to make it right. The remorseful ones WANT to change. They talk about it, seek help with it, read, study, and they're ALL ABOUT doing whatever is best and whatever is the most healing to the one they betrayed. They cry for their victim's pain and because they can't bear it that they're the one who caused it. Your WH wanted a place to stay because he's had a spat with his girlfriend. He came to you like you're his mommy or something, like you have to always take him back and love him unconditionally.

So, kudos to you today, for seeing the pattern and not allowing him to manipulate you again. Be proud of that. It's great, great progress.

((big hugs))

ETA: Agreed with gmc94 on The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I think this would be an excellent title for you to read. You've had a traumatic injury, and this kind of betrayal IS an abandonment wound. The author does a great job explaining how the body and mind process the injury, which goes a long way to explaining why we end up feeling the way we do. She's even got a few tools in her kit to help you get started. Good book.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:47 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 5/14/2020 05:06 AM

You are number one, you and the children. He is a selfish pig 🐷. Walk the children, eat healthy (I know it is hard). Drink plenty of water. No booze or drugs. You are beautiful, think positive.
Strength to you.
One day at a time

nekonamida posted 5/14/2020 18:20 PM

Good job, Future! You are strong! He's an adult. He can figure it out himself.

It's not a surprise that a WS and AP who act like love sick teens have an unstable relationship. They will probably break up and get back together over and over again. Don't put any trust in him until he's been NC with her for at least a few months. He has friends and family he could rely on for a place to stay. He could bite the bullet and get a short term lease. He could probably swing a motel if he really tried. He has options.

Anna123 posted 5/14/2020 20:56 PM

Good job! The worse thing is for them to come back home, start cheating, and then you ask them to leave and they either refuse, or worse, the kids see YOU kicking him out and think you are the bad guy. This is Far better for your children. Far less confusing and scary.

josiep posted 5/15/2020 11:19 AM

You continue to be a Rock Star. I know you don't feel it and the sadness is smothering. But trust us when we tell you that you are on the right path and your pain is already looking for the exits.

Just keep moving forward as well as you can. Some days will be better than others but just keep moving forward.

Hugs to you.

FuturewasStolen posted 5/16/2020 15:47 PM

Iím feeling hopeless today. He comes around to see the boys. Heís been off work all week so heís been over a lot. He tries to act like nothing is wrong, like trying to make small talk with me. I do my best to not talk to him. How does he not realize that all I want to do is scream at him??? All I want to do is smash his face in! I feel so much anger.

Anna123 posted 5/16/2020 16:18 PM

In the end, we will never know how they can not realize these things. I know this is gut wrenching. Keep doing your best. Better this for now than him moving back in!

Once mine was out, he was not allowed back. He asked for our son but took him when he wanted and I always just said yes unless we had plans. Is this something you could consider? Maybe he could take them to a park, just somewhere away from you?

FuturewasStolen posted 5/16/2020 16:41 PM

He texts other girls right in front of me. I know it only shows how pathetic he is that heís already moving on to the next skank. But it fucking hurts. I took a look at his phone quickly. I know I shouldnít, what good could possibly come from that? Of course itís all secretive so I can only see that he got a text but not what it says. He doesnít even have a password on his phone, just his fingerprint. But it was a text from someone called Lundy. Sounds like a girl to me. And heís trying to make jokes with me and talk to me like he didnít just rip my heart out and throw it in the garbage disposal?? But I canít scream at him in front of the kids. So I bottle it up. And I feel like Iím going to explode.

I just have to make it one more day. His work moved him out of town so heís going to be gone Monday - Thursday. It is such a blessing and I cannot wait.

And I just saw he reactivated his Facebook. The one I knew nothing about but he had since at least July of last year. And no where am I mentioned. Iím not in any of the pictures. Thereís all kinds of pictures of him and the boys and itís like I donít exist. I donít know why but this is destroying me right now. I am sobbing

[This message edited by FuturewasStolen at 5:37 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Breakingapart posted 5/16/2020 21:21 PM

I donít have any great advice for you. I too am living this roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

demolishedinside posted 5/17/2020 05:17 AM

One of the hardest things to wrap your mind around is that people are capable of it. Even now, after five years of it, I still am surprised by things he says or does. I spent so much time trying to understand because I knew I could never do those things.

As someone said earlier, you project your values onto him. So it makes it so hard to see the man he really is. I know itís hard to believe, but you ARE strong. Youíve made strong decisions for you and your kids. Heís not who you thought he was.

I know people told me that Iíd come to appreciate my time when the kids are With WH. I am definitely to the point where I have minor hours of appreciation. I watch rated R movies! I sleep in! I make steak and eat warm food! I know it sounds crazy but by Sunday night, Iím more rested and ready to see them.

This takes time. I hate even writing that to you , but itís true. I promise it will get better. The rollercoaster is so hard but ride it. Feel what you need to feel. Heal. You will be ok. Hugs to you.


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