Summer1976 posted 5/14/2020 06:18 AM

Hello

I’m not sure if I’m doing better or worse 1 year since WH moved out (I suspect affair for about 1 year, he’s now officially dating her).

I feel so alone. My parents both passed on 10 years ago and I feel their loss hugely. WH family have been quite cruel with words throughout our marriage and I feel contributed to WH leaving (he gave this as a reason ‘you are always complaining about my family’). His mother told me I was fat in my first pregnancy. I am trying to remain polite with them. I don’t want to be rude. WH sister has always been jealous. She has recently told me I have always been overprotective of my children and crying in front of them with WH left was a very bad idea. Friends tell me I’m a great mum as does WH.

My brothers wife has been supportive but I don’t hear from her much. I have a couple of close friends.

In a way I’m dreading the stay at home order ending and having to be around people again.

Is it normal to feel so alone and ashamed? I feel ashamed the my H left me and I could not save my marriage. I want to hide away forever, I feel people are laughing at me.

I manage to get through the days and an amicable to WH. But at night and first thing in the morning I feel shocked still at what my H has done. Shocked and betrayed by him but also by his family. He is very happy with his new life and they seem very supportive of his decision. None of them seem sad about it.

I feel I’m battling with so many different feelings. I guess in short I feel the world is against me.

Is this all normal?

There are far worse things that happen in life and I also feel very guilty for telling people I feel distressed about this.

Okokok posted 5/14/2020 09:01 AM

I feel like you're kinda asking: "is it normal to feel all kinds of horrible things in the wake of betrayal and all the things that come with it?"

Let me reassure you that you are in fact normal. Never forget that you have been traumatized and treated horribly. It takes a lot to heal from that, and there is no special timeline for it.

Are you in IC?

Another thing I can say, to this:

I feel people are laughing at me.

This goes along with your shame factor, I think. It is not true. May not make you feel any better, but something that was helpful for me to realize in my journey was that people just don't think about others all that much. They just don't. They focus on themselves and the few important people in their lives, and they really don't think much about you at all unless you're one of those important people.

So you have a brother and a sister-in-law and some close friends. That's good. Those are your people. You also have us. We're your people, too. Ideally, you also have a therapist.

But yes, this is all normal. You are very normal. Keep walking the walk on this healing journey :)

[This message edited by Okokok at 9:02 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

Summer1976 posted 5/14/2020 09:16 AM

Thank you. I’m sorry it was a long post , effectively that was exactly what I was asking. All these emotions and feelings swirl constantly.

I started counselling but ended it thinking I was ok. Maybe that was a mistake.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/14/2020 21:38 PM

Hi Summer,
I relate to how you feel. I took a year off therapy and when I went back, I recall saying “I feel like they won.” And they is —-my ex, the AP, the world. I kept thinking I should have come out this like a unicorn, with sparkles and flames. My therapist reminded me of the timeline and that I am still changing. I may become a unicorn. Or a tiger. Or a dragon... we don't know. I’m not there yet. I know I have made progress. I just wish I was further along.

If your SIL is not supportive, avoid her. You don’t need that in your life. Your friends are right. Blood is thicker than water, and most of us lose some of our in-laws. Sucks, but is what it is. Let them go.

And you could not save your M. A marriage is, by definition, between 2 people. You could hard one direction, but if he’s rowing the other way, you just cant make progress.

Join some groups, expand your circle. Maybe get back in therapy. You are at a different place and it might be a different conversation, a different therapy for you.

You are normal. WHat you are feeling is normal. And pandemic has added a whole new level of weird on top of it all.

Hang in there, Summer.

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/17/2020 04:12 AM

”My therapist reminded me of the timeline and that I am still changing. I may become a unicorn. Or a tiger. Or a dragon... we don't know. I’m not there yet“

That is the most powerful thing I have ever read and needed that tonight. Thank you. Do you mind if I post it somewhere so I can see it everyday?

The1stWife posted 5/17/2020 05:17 AM

You cannot save a marriage if only one party is interested in saving it. And why do you view it as YOUR failure? You didn’t cheat he did.

My MIL was a very jealous manipulative person. Fought with everyone in her life. Targeted me b/c she was jealous I was dating her favorite child. Turned the family against me.

Once she passed it was suddenly okay to act like nothing happened. That some of them didn’t spend 10 years not speaking to me. I’m polite to them. But there’s no great family bond. I’m pleasant out of respect for my H. Nothing more.

In your case you need to walk away from his family with guys head held high. You were a good wife and you are a good mother.

Little people with nothing else to do tear others down. Your H is included in that group. I’m not sure why you believe his life is so great. His new relationship is one between cheaters and it’s just a matter of time before one of them chests again.

I call that a ticking time bomb. You may think he’s happy and his life is wonderful. It may look that way. But it’s like FakeBook - no one puts up the ugly picture of themselves or talks about their miserable life. Instead it’s all perfect and filed with beautiful pictures of vacations and parties etc.

People don’t post pictures of their filthy homes or credit card statements showing maxed out credit cards. It’s not a fairy tale world though people will have you believe it is.

If you heal yourself you hopefully can get to a better place. You deserve it

cactusflower posted 5/17/2020 05:40 AM

I know the feeling but I don't "feel" the world was against me, I know. The hardest thing was I kept thinking it must be me, but try as I might I couldn't see anything I did "wrong" other than perhaps, eventually, call people out (who I had always been there for) for not taking any time to support me.

I had to deal with the shock that too many of us experience of discovering my WH is a compulsive liar and not the good man I thought I married. And it was a HUGE shock. I went down that hole like every BS here - everything I had worked so hard for, the belief that I had a great marriage and great guy disappeared over several years of lies and denials.

I did what they say you should do - reach out to friends and family. I spoke to one friend - she wasn't much help - couldn't believe it - he's such a great guy, etc. My FOO? My siblings are cheaters themselves so this was a no-go zone and didn't want to talk about it. My parents? Didn't believe it, criticized me for not believing him or checking up on him - just rugsweep. In the end when they wouldn't even take my calls (I didn't talk about my marital problems after I realized they weren't supportive)I called them out on it. They said I was a pain in the ass and nobody cared about my problems. Now I've had the charmed life, never asked for anything - always did for others. It was a shock like no other. And then my Mother cut me out of her Will - money I was promised because I was a "good kid" for some 15 years. And yes my siblings were behind this manipulation. After speaking with several lawyers I learned it's not as uncommon as you would think.

Re-access who these people are. Stop looking at what you may have done wrong. Ultimately I stood up for myself - no one was helping me or being there for me, I was all alone and drowning and no one cared. Yes it is incredibly painful and has damaged me permanently. I was able to come to terms with it by realizing it wasn't me (and this site helped) but them. They had no empathy, they only cared about themselves.

Shock - the whole thing. But I can hold my head up high knowing I have always been a good person - I was just surrounded by assholes my whole life - people you could never do enough for - takers all of them. And IC helped. They recognized I was surrounded by "toxic people" and told me I needed to disengage. It was the first time I had heard that term and I learned a lot from it.

It is very hard, I will admit my heart is broken. But somehow you have to carry on.

[This message edited by cactusflower at 5:42 AM, May 17th (Sunday)]

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/17/2020 06:18 AM

“I am still changing. I may become a unicorn. Or a tiger. Or a dragon... we don't know. I’m not there yet“

That is the most powerful thing I have heard in a long time. If you don’t mind I’d like to keep that do I can look at it often

Gottagetthrough posted 5/18/2020 12:51 PM

What okokok said. People really don’t think about other that much. They are worried people are laughing at THEM.

And your brother and SIL, few close friends and SI for the support that you just cant get from friends and family sometimes... that’s your circle, focus on them.

Regarding your in-laws. Oh sweetie. I have been there. It’s awful. My in-laws were jerks in the beginning of our marriage but by the time I had baby 2 they had sort of accepted me. They even threw my a baby shower for baby 2. Then, 4 mos after baby 2 was born, it hit the fan. So I had about a year or so of acceptance by the in laws

They were friendly with ow. They emailed her about me, and how I was a bad person. I could write a book... let’s just say I was thrown over so fast for ow it made my head spin.

Mil laughed and told me that now I could
Go and marry that professor id always wanted to marry when Wh told her we were separating. Mil knew about the affair, I didn’t. Ps- I’ve never wanted to MARRY a professor, I wanted to BE a professor before I left grad school after baby 1 was born.

You are enough. You are a good person. Focus on
This babies of yours and your friends and brother and SIL and
get a good therapistI can’t tell you how wonderful it was to go in to therapy and unload this onto her and start growing from this mess. I went from anxious and afraid to strong and having great boundaries when I was seeing a therapist. It’s tough to work through issues but get a good therapist and it will be healing .

Hugs to you. You will be ok. In a year you willl be in a different place.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:53 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

CoderMom posted 5/31/2020 18:06 PM

You can only control your own actions / emotions / happiness. Have you considered counseling?

StillLivin posted 5/31/2020 20:11 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could give you a hug in real life and a hot mug of coffee and an ear, as well as a shoulder to cry on.
Very gently, you are ONLY a year out. I know, you're thinking, "damn it's been a whoooole year." A year is nothing. Be patient and be gentle.
You've gotten some good advice, so take it and apply it.
I think most of us were still fractured and valiantly trying, but not always succeeding, at 1 year out. It will take more time. And it sucks. And time doesnt seem to be on your side when you're in the thick of it.
Get a journal. Start writing. Look back after 6 months and note your progress. Also, start setting goals. They can be paint a picture, start a garden, go more often for a manicure pedi. Just make sure it's a positive and uplifting goal. Make it small, but consistent. By next year, you'll probably be making much bigger and more joyfully attacking those goals. I can imagine something like run a marathon as you enthusiastically plan the hows, wheres, and when's of that marathon trip. Or you'll be saving up so you van book a girls getaway vacation to Rome or Rio.
Just be patient and gentle with yourself now.

LadyG posted 6/1/2020 02:23 AM

I feel very ashamed for not leaving him sooner and allowing the DDAYs to continue...

I feel ashamed that I allowed him to rug sweep and carry on like nothing...

I feel ashamed that WH spread his vile OW throughout my life and family...

I feel ashamed that I am still trying to work and support him...

I feel ashamed that I am showing him compassion, when at times I want to kick him far and wide...

I feel ashamed that he makes feel emotions that I have been working on eliminating from my heart and mind...

I feel ashamed that WH has been the cause of all my suffering...

I feel ashamed that I cannot let go of the things that make me suffer 🙏🏼