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Dipping my toe in

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Hurtingnconfused posted 5/23/2020 10:52 AM

So my 20yr old D is coming for a week because she has to testify against a rapist. She was 15, he was 31. WH and I agreed to drop all fighting/negotiations/gaslighting until she goes back to AZ. Things have calmed down but heís still getting texts and Iím sure phone calls. I thought I cared the first day or two, now not so much. Told my Boss and CEO. It to invest in certifying me in a new program till thingís shakeout. Iíll take the training it hold off on hundreds of dollars of paperwork. Itís only a week, itís only a week.

We did have a huge blowout and he agreed that we canít keep going like this. He doesnít want to stop drinking and doesnít get that he rolls over n pees on himself over any attention. I go overboard and push things to the extreme when it happens. I donít think thereís a win win here

WhatsRight posted 5/23/2020 21:06 PM

I respectfully disagree. I think there is a ďwin-winď situation here.

You leave, and heal, and start a bright new life for yourself maybe with or maybe without someone who actually cherishes you. Thatís a win for you.

And he gets to do whatever it is he wants to on the phone for four hours. And as self-absorbed and clueless as he seems, he will think that is a win for him as well.

Iím so sorry to disparage your husband. But he is absolutely disparaging you.

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/24/2020 07:39 AM

No apology needed. He is, I am and so be it

WhatsRight posted 5/24/2020 10:44 AM

You go girl!

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 04:32 AM

3:42am. He is out walking somewhere totally drunk. SHE called him at 230 and he immediately answered , saying it was DS. I told him I saw it and knew it was her. He told her he would call her back and gave me a blank face. Sheís been texting him on and off. Said ďjust a friendĒ. Iíve heard that before. I know he told her all about the spat we had earlier. So, heís looking at me, dead eyed, I put my palm up
To his face and say ďgood night WSĒ. Go upstairs and think Iím gonna cry, nothing, DD arrives in 6 hours on the plane. I just have to make it thru this week,

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 06:04 AM

Ok came home and weíre done. Talked about who gets what. Putting our house on the market and hope we break even. Civil conversation, curled up and went to sleep. Iím not crying not upset... thinking Iím either glad this is over or shock-y

nekonamida posted 5/25/2020 07:35 AM

It's not uncommon to feel calm when you know you're done and it's over. It's also not uncommon to still break down and grieve in the future despite how calm you feel right now. It's normal.

You're doing a good job. You've got this!

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 12:31 PM

Both of us seem relieved. Said he is moving out of our home town immediately. Makes me a little, donít even know the word, something.... I begged him to move w me to AZ before all this happened and he couldnít be convinced to leave. Donít know if heís going to her.... she got married relatively recently and has a serogate birthing a baby for her in 3months. Guess it doesnít matter, just another thing he wouldnít do for me but he will do for someone else

[This message edited by Hurtingnconfused at 12:51 PM, May 25th (Monday)]

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 13:00 PM

Sheís coming HERE June 2nd..., Oh goodness. I guess I know the rush now .

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 13:23 PM

Ok sheís not only coming here but she is also having problems w her husband. Iím actually ok with walking away more now. Leaving me for someone rather than something we did or didnít do. She wants him.... his drinking, his drugs, his chasing other women

Catwoman posted 5/25/2020 14:01 PM

I would let her husband know. He deserves to know, particularly with a child on the way.

Cat

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 14:12 PM

He told me he was there for the conversation HE, the husband, told me. At this point want the divorce to go smooth and fast. WHs chasing a carrot so he wonít fight me on anything. The OS can just get egg on his face at this point

Catwoman posted 5/25/2020 14:37 PM

I would want to inform the other spouse. I'll bet he doesn't know she's coming there to see him.

How do you think he might feel, with a child on the way (and surrogates are likely NOT inexpensive).

If this were my situation, I couldn't NOT inform him. He deserves to know. Timing is up to you, but he deserves to know.

Cat

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 15:33 PM

When I told him I was excited for him in his new life, with an infant child ..... then started laughing cuz I just canít fathom it, he said heís starting his new life and heís not sure if itís with her or not. Apparently Iím taking this too well? WH Wanted to snuggle and ďcomfortĒ each other as we are both hurting. Told him I didnít think that was a good idea as it would be cheating on his new love interest and ďI know you well enough to know the guilt would eat you up as you are such a nice guy.Ē

Needless to say he no longer needs a nap. Am sure the rainbow unicorn farts will really shimmer when I share that itís a good thing he has 5 years of helping people in wheelchairs,, cuz ya know, 13 back surgeries will take their toll.

Said I could ask anyone heíd been talking to, he hasnít bad mouthed me so I should stop saying heís leaving me for her. Huh. said the kids need to know weíre listing the house and to get their stuff out. We were going different directions, think heís feeling guilty

Been texting here and he said. ďDo I want to know who youíre texting? ď. ĒProbably not,ď I shared. Guess I shouldnít have agreed to the divorce do fast?

[This message edited by Hurtingnconfused at 3:36 PM, May 25th (Monday)]

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 21:45 PM

So from a phone call, to weíre just friends, to. ďIím not interested in him that way,Ē to heís moving to some where in Montana to be with her all in 9 days. Why did I waste 5 years on this?

On the funny side, Iím friends with one of his classmates that knew her. Apparently she was dating a much older guy in high school, they think he was married. Guess he will get what he has coming down the road.

Raising a brand new baby when his youngest just turned 18 makes me laugh!! Glad Iím getting off the merry-go-round

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/25/2020 21:46 PM

So from a phone call, to weíre just friends, to. ďIím not interested in him that way,Ē to heís moving to some where in Montana to be with her all in 9 days. Why did I waste 5 years on this?

On the funny side, Iím friends with one of his classmates that knew her. Apparently she was dating a much older guy in high school, they think he was married. Guess he will get what he has coming down the road.

Raising a brand new baby when his youngest just turned 18 makes me laugh!! Glad Iím getting off the merry-go-round

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/26/2020 21:54 PM

Have a contractor lined up to come finish off anything w the house that needs doing, a realtor coming to tell me what needs to be done, and a camping trip to get thru till Monday for my daughters sake.

Lined up a very nice camper to stay in or staying at my dads house, offers from my boss to help me move stuff.... think Iím gonna be ok with periodic rain showers.

Lalagirl posted 5/27/2020 08:02 AM

So glad you are finally getting out of infidelity - you got this, girl! ((((HUGS))))

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/27/2020 08:23 AM

He agreed to go and file jointly with me tomorrow. I told him, do you want me to share something that I can see as an outsider that you might not be noticing? he said sure.

Pointed out that he/she are both throwing away marriages over phone calls. I shared that she spend a long time planning this child with her husband, spent more than we make in two years, and she/he are throwing that away over 9 days of talking. I told him that they both will always have it in the back of their heads that one phone call blew up two marriages and what would keep it from happening again? for the rest of his relationship with her, he will always have to wonder what she/he is doing on the phone.

that is what is keeping me strong right now. He threw 5 years of "reconciliation" over a phone call. If he will do it once, he will do it again and I am not wasting another 5 years on this loser. It will come back and bite him in the ass. Both of them are attention seekers and a new baby is going to be a problem.... unless she relinquishes the child? Guess not my circus not my monkeys.

Told his kids that I am always one phone call messenger away. Let the DS know that he needs to get his stuff together and moved. I also let him know he could always come to AZ and I will help him get into his tech school.

Was told the house will sell fast as there is not much in our price range available right now. Need to get it on the market soon as people buy in the summer so they have kids moved before school starts. Goodbye my dream home, hello large camper. it should be a nice change in pace.

nekonamida posted 5/27/2020 13:18 PM

Hurt, in your shoes I would actually hold off on anything involving OBS if it grants you an easier D while STBX is still in lala land. You did try to inform him. He didn't listen. He's in for a rude awakening when your "just a friend" STBX shows up and takes his WW away. Not your fault. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. You can gladly take any phone calls from OBS or reach out to him after D is settled.

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