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Going Underground

Mickie500 posted 5/22/2020 14:10 PM

How did you find out? But how could a BS know if the affair has gone underground?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/22/2020 14:33 PM

I found out because I put a VAR in the house. I set him up as I just "had a feeling" it was still ongoing. It was carried on 99% at work but I just knew it. By setting him up I made him feel very safe and secure that I was not going to be home for hours (I have find my phone on so he can see where I am) and I was several hours drive away, so he had no concern I was going to show up or otherwise catch him. I then turned on the VAR and left.

When I came home I put on my headphones and listened - he was actually on the phone with her when he walked in the door, completely at ease that I was far away, talking away...and my "luck" he actually had her on speaker phone so I heard the whole conversation and not just his side...granted his side of the conversation was enough confirmation to know it was her as it was full of "I love yous" etc. It was also enough to know he was 100% lying to her about our relationship (for example - talking about how I was looking for work out of state and would be moving away - when in reality when I did talk about that he was totally againsat it and had been trying to talk me into staying and looking for work here, etc).

She was also lying claiming she had filed for divorce and she and her H were selling their house. The house was never listed for sale, and I'm a lawyer here so I looked up the court dockets and no divorce had been filed by either of them. It was a 40 minute long conversation of lies between the two of them.

When I caught him again (they had NC for 3 months but restarted their A again) it was via the phone bill and the internet router in our house. Most routers can be set up to show usage - websites and app usage that connect via wifi - it will not show phone numbers being called or which phone that is connected to wifi is using it, but as the only 2 phones in my house are his and mine, it was pretty easy to know it wasn't me. The phone bill showed millions of texts between him and 4 different numbers (all 4 were burner numbers she had) - he has an iphone that has imessage but as she was using burner numbers they were via SMS and on the phone bill. They switched to whatsapp when I made a comment about the phone bill (we were not in R then - my WH was claiming he was going to show me that he wanted to R) so I hadn't actually looked at the bill...but the router showed whatsapp being accessed and then I knew. So then I looked at the phone bill and it was pretty difficult for him to deny, so he confessed (claimed it was over already but then I confronted him about the whatsapp). To this day he has no clue about the router, not that I care as he can do what he wants, just not with me.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:42 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/22/2020 14:46 PM

Well, my ex went underground after dday1.

He was angry, emotional, he kicked things, punched the wall. He sent photos of where he was and then went to see her. So I got one photo a night. He made shit up about events etc.

I left the house. He ran out. He would visit her before and after school.

He finally told me he didnít love me. He would not let me do an undelete for text messages.

He was highly emotional. Wanted to die.

He lied and lied and lied.

Maybe if you are seeing similar behaviour it will give you a clue.

Mickie500 posted 5/22/2020 15:09 PM

What kind of VAR?

Mickie500 posted 5/22/2020 15:30 PM


I need lessons from you on how to spy. I have no idea about routers.

DigitalSpyder posted 5/22/2020 16:17 PM

Get a device with a browser, even a smartphone will work and try going to or If those give you a login page with a user name try admin for the username and password for the password. Look for a utilities tab, or something of that nature. Enable traffic monitoring.

thatbpguy posted 5/22/2020 16:29 PM

What kind of VAR?

Depends on how you will use it. If you need one for under a car seat, you will need to buy a compact one.

What I did was downloaded an app VAR for my tablet and left it laying around the house. A few things- put your tablet on "do not disturb" so there be no beeps for anything (like low battery...) so no one is tipped off. Another is to get one that is voice activated so you don't have too many hours to wade thru. The one I use is called Smart Recorder. It's simple to use and truly voice activated. It's free from playstore.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 4:30 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Mickie500 posted 5/22/2020 16:33 PM

Get a device with a browser, even a smartphone will work and try going to or If those give you a login page with a user name try admin for the username and password for the password. Look for a utilities tab, or something of that nature. Enable traffic monitoring.

It didnít work. Anything else you can suggest? I tried it on my phone.

DigitalSpyder posted 5/22/2020 17:07 PM

Who setup your WI-FI? And what happened when your tried?

[This message edited by DigitalSpyder at 5:07 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

LadyG posted 5/22/2020 19:10 PM

I had my suspicion when the last A was underground, long before it was out in the open but I really didnít care anymore.

If you feel the need to spy and feel insecure in your relationship, end it.

I couldnít be bothered spending time, effort and money into spying on a WS. Thatís no way to live your life 🙏🏼

The1stWife posted 5/22/2020 20:40 PM

I agree with LadyG. If you have to resort to that level you should just end the relationship. I feel the same with a polygraph. If I need a polygraph to believe my cheating spouse - we are finished. Nothing left to build on.

And yes my H took round 2 of his affair underground. But I was much better prepared at dday2 and executed plan B.

I had $ in the bank. I had the mediator chosen. I had the strength to tell him I was D him and he had to leave. He refused b/c he wants to R. I made a call and told him in2 days you are going to stay with a friend. And after that you are free to do whatever you want. I no longer cared.

He had no ability to make any decisions concerning me or kids.

He just stood there b/c he did not know what hit him.

NotTheSideChick posted 5/22/2020 23:39 PM

My WS was an absolute idiot. And his career is one where he should have been able to get away with this.

-he had made a secret google account that he used to talk with the coWHOREworker. He had the 2-step verification code, so every time he logged into google, he received an SMS text which showed up on our bill.

-Iphone searchlight was my BFF. I would literally go to the search bar on his iPhone, and type in her name, her job titles, her phone number, and address and it would pop up the most recent events including that. It saved a ton of time because I didnít have to go through each app one by one. I caught him doing multiple things that way.

-the crazy Woman met me for coffee while the affair was still going on. Her answers smelled worse than my babyís diaper after Mexican food. I caught her in a ton of lies.

-talking to OBS and comparing notes. My husband had a burner phone unbeknownst to me, but that number showed up on their phone log.

The affair went on longner than all those events and I didnít catch it. He started communicating in different ways. He didnít get smarter, he got sneakier and just changed his game. But I got to a point where I was just over it. If he was gonna cheat, I wasnít able to stop him and Iíd find out eventually. The hyper vigilance was so unhealthy for me, I had to stop.

[This message edited by NotTheSideChick at 11:40 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 5/23/2020 02:57 AM


I agree. You cannot prevent the cheater from cheating. We all think we can. But you eventually learn you cannot.

The addiction to the affair is mind blowing. Substitute the physical addiction like alcoholism to the AP and you see the same behavior. The addict will do anything to get their next dose of their drug or substance of choice. Same with an affair which becomes the substance of choice.

I like your Lizzo reference. My favorite line of hers is ďhe donít love you anymore - so walk your fine ass out the doorĒ.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:58 AM, May 23rd (Saturday)]

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