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Minimizing Impact

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This0is0Fine posted 7/4/2020 16:27 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:09 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/6/2020 13:55 PM

I like the idea of having your son help you move. Somehow I think that helps him process this mess.

You probably know her reaction best. If she's going to get violent or throw things, or cry in front of the kids, then tell her it's better for you both to have space while healing - so you're temporarily moving out.

Once you are safe and have distance you can proceed with the D.

This0is0Fine posted 7/6/2020 22:25 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:10 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

ALotofHistory posted 7/7/2020 23:21 PM

TiF....I come from the competitive school of competition. Competing!

I had a bit of leverage in my divorce and I used it to a 'T' to make sure I came out ahead. Both short term and long term. She had lots of talking heads in her ears telling her she was going to get this and that for years (the house and 1000s a month in support).....we had less than 10 year marriage in Cali(and I owned the house before meeting her, so...), so....no way I do lifetime support and give her the house. I figured out the short term best (ugh...had to bite the bullet and pay way more than I thought I should) and the long term best which included no spousal support nor pension nor anything after the short term spousal was done. And I did it. In Cali. So....it can be done.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

This0is0Fine posted 7/19/2020 22:02 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:09 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 7/21/2020 01:06 AM

TiF, how did it go?

This0is0Fine posted 7/21/2020 11:00 AM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:10 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 7/21/2020 11:31 AM

Iím out of my depth here bc I have not in fact divorced. Mediation is tempting for me too, but youíre dealing with someone who breaks promises and acts in an unstable way. Not sure mediation is the best strategy in that case. Filing has a finality to it and brings it home. Can you ask your lawyer if mediation can be offered after the clean break filing occurs? So you could extend that olive branch if it looks like sheís wiling to be amicable?

This0is0Fine posted 7/21/2020 11:33 AM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:15 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Neanderthal posted 7/21/2020 11:37 AM

We went with the Amicable divorce route. I could have asked for more, or fought for things, but to me it wasn't worth it.

Here is the theoretical questions I asked myself.
What value do you place on your assets? your home, your way of life?

Now weigh that against the possible impact fighting for them may have on your kid or kids.

Is it worth it? For example, we both wanted the house. Since we have a young child, it was important to me that she grow up in that home, if at all possible. I also wanted to make sure my STBXW had a stable and safe place. So it made sense to me, to let go of the home. I also felt it would be less disruptive to everyone involved. Especially after everything else we had been through.

Maybe you know your STBXW wont be able to maintain it, or afford it. Make a list of expenses she may not be aware of, or expenses that are coming down the pipeline. Like a new roof, or the cost to keep the yard equipment going. That's a lot of responsibility.

Having small children means we are going to be in our Exes lives for a long time. If giving now makes life easier later...so be it.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/21/2020 12:22 PM

TIF: I think just notifying her when the kids leave for GMas house is the correct approach. You can offer mediation at the same time you tell her. In the meantime, you can work with your attorney to come up with a draft of the terms that she has offered already. If she gets combative, than you know which route its going to go. Its always best to mediate if you can, it will save you time, money, and more frustration. But that really depends on your EXWW. My EXWW was led by her POSOM to try to go for the gold, so mediation was off the table. Either way, you can still prepare yourself.

Hawke posted 7/22/2020 17:24 PM

We managed things amicably, but that was because we both had reasonable lawyers and listened to our lawyers' advice. We decided on a child custody schedule and let our lawyers know. Child support was based on that (child support in Canada is pretty formulaic). Our lawyers advised us on typical spousal support and asset division. We both kept it bloodless and business-like. I kept the house, but I had owned it prior to him moving in. To divide up all the bits and pieces, I took a Marie Kondo list from the Internet of everything that could be in a house and we took turns choosing things from the list.

All of the above required me to treat it as a business deal and leave emotion out of it. It also required my ex to not be batshit crazy or greedy beyond reasonability, which I know isn't an option for a number of people on this site.

This0is0Fine posted 8/18/2020 17:26 PM

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:16 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

99problems posted 8/18/2020 18:34 PM

Or years, in my case.
You do you man. I wish I wouldn't have but maybe you won't feel the same way.
We all must pick our own path in life.

BigMammaJamma posted 8/19/2020 08:19 AM

I don't think you are an idiot. It is a huge decision that impacts more that just you and your WW, so I understand the hesitation. Unless she has major changes, you will get there sooner rather than later as you already know that the current state of affairs is not tenable. I would just caution you when you are "letting you heart guide you". Your heart does not listen to reason and your head will protect you better.

I don't have any great advice, I just wanted you to know you had been heard and understood.

NuckingFuts posted 8/19/2020 08:53 AM

I'm in for at least months more of disappointment before I reach the breaking point.

I don't know if we can live with your decision. Fortunately you're the only one that has to.

If you're not ready you're not ready, the only thing worse than waiting too long to divorce is jumping too soon and regretting it. The only caveat to that would be if delaying is going to push you past a date for permanent alimony or something.

steadychevy posted 8/19/2020 21:15 PM

I hadn't read here until after I read your post in a different thread. I wondered what happened.

I, for one, am a sceptic. I think you will regret your decision. I hope, for your sake, I am very, very wrong.

Stevesn posted 8/20/2020 07:07 AM

Hi TIF

Itís been a while. What is keeping you from moving forward? Has she taken a turn in her thinking? Has she finally found some semblance of remorse? Actions, not words, is the key as we all know. So what has she done to make you start to feel loved.

Reconciliation is a long almost impossible road. A WS has to be all in to even have a chance of rebuilding.

Take care.

Thumos posted 8/20/2020 08:07 AM

Help me crystallize my stupidity into ultra dense diamonds.

TIF you donít know us very well if you think we are going to do that. We are bound together by chords of pain. I canít think of a single person here who thinks you are stupid.

It took me more than 3.5 years to tell my WW just a few weeks ago I definitively I want a divorce. I told her again yesterday just so weíre clear. But itís going to take awhile. itís not happening tomorrow.

I was in limbo for nearly 1,300 days and Iím still not divorced. Quit beating yourself up and give yourself some grace.

A line has been running through my head this week: ďthe beatings will continue until the morale improves.Ē At the same time Iíve been thinking of Platoís cave and those who are
able to liberate themselves and walk out into sunlight. It turns out they just had to get up, put one foot in front of the other and walk out. But standing up and walking out into the unknown took tremendous courage ó and it was a frightening pathway out of that cave.

You have known from early days this was a dealbreaker for you and that your wife is not remorseful. We can all see sheís not from what youíve reported. Iím astonished at her really. All of her navel gazing pseudo feminist nonsense and her girlsí club of adulterers and her compassionate-head-tilt conversations with you where she just canít commit to not accidentally falling on other menís genitalia. I can almost visualize her phony confused looks she gives you. Not sure if Iím right but thatís what I see.

Sheís revealed her true self to you and itís just taking your heart and mind a little more time to fully process this ugly truth.

Consciously youíre able to articulate you know this is who she is but there are still parts of you wanting a time machine to go back to the person you thought she was. I think sooner rather than later, all of you will process it and you will be ready.

I know that as you look at your little ones your heart aches because you wanted something different for them.

But you didnít do this. She did.

You will press the escape button when youíre ready.

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:08 AM, August 20th (Thursday)]

siracha posted 8/20/2020 09:12 AM

You should be able to forgive her without any self blame forgiveness truly is a gift to yourself
But dont stay with her on terms that make you feel ashamed or angry , that is just the path to hell buddy
See a therapist and work out if you have any good reasons for staying with her . Also Work out if you are staying for bad reasons ( fear guilt denial learned helplessness )
I think you need clarity , that usually means therapy - you dont need to set a time limit for yourself but sounds like you need to start now and commit to the process

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