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Was I wrong in my expectations?

Katz13 posted 7/1/2020 20:51 PM

My H had an affair back in 2013. We went to therapy and decided to work on us. Through the years it was hard for me to trust and other traumatic events took place like my mother's sudden death. I thought things were ok with the normal ups and downs. I'll admit to always wanting to know where my H was and with whom but I feel like I wasn't very obtrusive about it. Fast forward to three years ago. Our son is involved in scouts. My H is too. There is also a mother there that is heavily involved. I notice my H mentions her name sometimes in conversations and it triggers me a bit. Then I notice they send texts but I know my H's password so I think to myself, "he knows I could see the texts if I wanted to so it probably is all above board." (I discovered the initial affair by reading his texts). Soon the scout trips involve long hikes which I can't do. This woman and my H love hiking, camping etc. I not so much. Again I a m a bit worried but since they are group trips, I try to think nothing is up.
A few trips with the scouts come up that I could participate in but my H doesn't sign me up. This starts fights between us. I feel like I am being purposefully excluded. I mention to my H that I am now being triggered by this and feel like there is something going on. My H gets mad and says I am still punishing him etc etc. This continues for months. About a year ago my H, this woman, another married couple, a few kids start hiking almost every weekend as a group. Some weekends my H says he is hiking alone. In meantime, my H gets a new phone that I no longer have the password to.
The group trips are now almost every weekend and about 6 months ago I find out this woman has moved out of her home and is divorcing her husband. My H was one of her friends that helped her move.
Because of all of this my H and I have been fighting constantly since last November. We will be divorcing. We just can't communicate and I can't trust.
What has really made me mad is that this whole time my H thinks my triggering and being bothered by his opposite sex friendship is me being crazy and unfounded.

What are your thoughts on opposite sex texting and friendships after a spouse has been unfaithful?
Am I being gaslighted? Is there a statute of limitations on being triggered?

My H feels like I have punished him for his affair for too long. I don't see how I punished him other than not wanting him to text or spend time away from me with other women. I honestly feel like I was quite forgiving and our relationship was better than before the affair.

This0is0Fine posted 7/1/2020 20:55 PM

Sounds like he is cheating on you with her. He resents ever being caught and went back into cheating mode.

He might not be gaslighting you (in the traditional sense of trying to get you to second guess your sanity). He was lying to you about his whereabouts and hiding a relationship from you that he should have been open about.

Next thing you know they'll be together, but NEVER before you got divorce.

EllieKMAS posted 7/1/2020 21:01 PM

You didn't punish him at all. Asking for no opposite sex relationships is a very reasonable request after infidelity imho.

Also... He wants to be all mad at you, but his behavior is NOT the behavior of a stand-up honest guy now is it? Lying constantly about his whereabouts, locking you out of the phone, and pursuing inappropriate friendships with women. No wonder you were triggered!! Anyone in your position would be.

OwningItNow posted 7/1/2020 23:28 PM

He is doing whatever he wants, ignoring your feelings, hanging with another woman, lacking in transparency, and telling you that YOU are crazy? That's straight up emotional abuse, and abusers never admit (or care) that they are abusive. He has no incentive to see your point of view; he's too selfish.

P.S. Is your son witnessing all of this bonding and flirting between them? Get him out of Scouts! I wonder if it bothers your son to watch his dad flirt? Awful.

Okokok posted 7/2/2020 09:35 AM

my H thinks my triggering and being bothered by his opposite sex friendship is me being crazy and unfounded.

In case you're wondering, this is not how a mature, effective man talks and acts. If it wasn't so tragic, it would be an absolute joke.

You are supposed to be his sun and stars.


To your specific questions:

Honestly, ask any couple with a real reconciliation what opposite sex texting/friendship should look like. There should be none of that without clear, agreed-upon boundaries. Certainly no secret/private texting, new phones, or telling you you're "crazy."

No statute of limitations on triggers, nope. They're good for a lifetime.

I would agree with you that you've been *quite* forgiving (though I realize we don't have your full story here yet).

This just sounds like he's got another affair going. If you're definitely divorcing, it probably doesn't matter, but with a little digging I'm sure you'd discover it.

Sorry for all of it.

The1stWife posted 7/2/2020 21:10 PM

He is a disrespectful Iying cheating jerk.

He knows his behavior was ring yet blames you.

Wrong wrong wrong

CallingSpades posted 7/2/2020 22:07 PM

Agree with others. You're not being unreasonable at all. It all sounds fishy to me. Trust your gut.

Anna123 posted 7/3/2020 09:25 AM

Even if this wasn't an affair, he treats you like crap saying these things. Even if this was not an affair, he should have listened to your concerns and adjusted his outings to your comfort level, if it was innocent, which the second phone makes me highly doubt. It is a possibility he was hoping to drive you divorce him. What a cruel thing to do, to play you that way if it is true, instead of just being honest.

I know this sounds harsh, but congratulations on your impending freedom:-) You are going to love it compared to this treatment by this immature human being day in and day out.

crazyblindsided posted 7/4/2020 11:01 AM

He is doing whatever he wants, ignoring your feelings, hanging with another woman, lacking in transparency, and telling you that YOU are crazy? That's straight up emotional abuse.

I agree he is an abuser. My STBX still uses these tactics and wonders why I have never come around just blames me for giving up on the M

Tallgirl posted 7/4/2020 16:23 PM

Katz, how does a man committed to his wife, marriage, and family exclude his wife from large parts of his life? Spend those parts with another woman. Regardless of whether there is a group or not.

He is defensive, angry, and is distancing from you. He should be considerate of your feelings, and want to spend time with you. If he isnít cheating he should be offering up his password, asking you how he can make you comfortable, going to MC.

Huge red flags here.

I think your gut, which is saying he is cheating or really really wants to, is right.

Hugs. Sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:03 PM, July 4th (Saturday)]

Katz13 posted 7/6/2020 17:30 PM

Also found out he has confided in her about the state of our marriage perhaps for about two years now. Still says all I do is accuse as and there is nothing going on. Still spends almost one day every weekend doing fun outdoor stuff with her. He thinks it's all ok because they are in a group.
What married person on this planet would put up with that??? I guess he will never understand. I hope someone does it to him. Thanks for your encouraging support. I can't wait to be free!

Tallgirl posted 7/7/2020 23:45 PM

Big hugs Katz

The1stWife posted 7/8/2020 03:52 AM

So heís been dating the OW right in front of you.

How disrespectful!!!!!

He knows itís wrong too.

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