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Trying to understand

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Niceguy25 posted 7/2/2020 02:01 AM

As we continue our attempt to reconcile, there’s one thing I can’t understand and she can’t or won’t explain. She and her AP met briefly out of town and began a “friendship” during a 5 day visit to her sister. Fast forward three months 1000+ miles apart and communicating only by phone and letter, they meet again out of town and begin a sexual affair lasting 3 1/2 years. How does a devout Christian married woman with a dedicated husband and two small children, meet a married man, 15 years her senior for the second time, and end up naked and having every conceivable kind of sex in bed with him for three days. She now claims it was limerence, not love. It all happens when they’re together for only the 2nd time in a 3 month “friendship.” In that short time he must have said all the right things for her to begin to lie, cheat, deceive, plan and consummate a relationship that had no history, while denying me all intimacy for months. What am I missing here? It went from zero to 100 in what seems like a heartbeat and lasted until he broke it off by confessing she was one of several lovers he was sleeping with. What don’t I get? Can anyone whose committed or lived through this in their life explain it to me?

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 3:18 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

LadyG posted 7/2/2020 02:47 AM

Hi Niceguy25,

My STBXWH took my son on a European vacation in 2003. The trip was for 4 weeks.

He met someone in the first week of this holiday but they didn’t hook up right there and then. But he was looking for someone to cheat with already. Turns out the OW was with another guy, who he believed to be her boyfriend. Truth. The guy was her Pimp and she a Prostitute. Hence why she turned him down. The Pimp would’ve wanted cash up front.

Anyway he got her private number through a mutual friend.

Before returning from the holiday he arranged to meet her privately and took her to a cheap pay by the hour motel and then back to her place. Her 14 year daughter was there so nothing happened. But they arranged for him to visit again when the daughter was at school.

He then took her out and bought her a Ring at a local market.

When he returned from this brief A, he was well and truly prepared to leave me and our three young children and return to Europe to be with her.

What stopped him going.

1. We couldn’t sell the house and I couldn’t buy him out
2. He soon discovered she was in fact a prostitute working mostly in Italy and the guy her Italian pimp
3. He was ready to visit her in Italy but had no money

As a BS all I can tell you is that WS live in some sort of fantasy world that we have never visited.

The real world where we live is inescapable.

Without the whole truth, reconciliation is very difficult indeed.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/2/2020 06:13 AM

I am not trying to disparage religion, although it may seem like it. But, I don't understand why people say, "She was Christian. How could she do that?" Why are religious people expected to be morally superior? History has shown the opposite most of the time. My stepsister is a perfect example of this. When I asked her why she went to church (we didn't grow up in a religious family and church wasn't much of a thing for us), she said that, if she didn't go, she wouldn't know the right thing to do. 😳 On her own, she considers herself incapable of knowing how to behave like a decent human being.

Religion gives people a pass. If we believe we are all sinners, it is inevitable that we will do the wrong thing. It's ok, though. All we have to do is repent and ask for forgiveness. I know I'm simplifying it, but that's the gist. Also, ime, supposedly religious, righteous, pios people are putting on airs. They want to look good to others. Behind closed doors, they tend to be very different.

My H was raised Catholic. He considered himself a good Christian. He chose to cheat rather than D. Because of his religious upbringing, cheating was more acceptable and forgivable than D. The only reason to do the right thing was because others were watching, so he wouldn't get in trouble. If no one was watching and he thought he wouldn't get caught, it was somehow acceptable. After all, all he had to do was confess and repent and he could still go to Heaven. He didn't have any intrinsic sense of right and wrong, of not harming others. He did the right things for the wrong reasons.

How could a supposedly religious woman with a wonderful family do such a thing? Because she's not the person she presented herself to be. She was acting, wearing a mask, being what she thought she was supposed to be in your M and her regular life. She was suppressed. Her cheating gave her a way to drop all of that and be carefree.

fooled13years posted 7/2/2020 12:45 PM

Niceguy25, I understand your question and will give you my opinion but what does your wife say to this?

How does a devout Christian married woman lie, cheat, deceive, plan and consummate a relationship that had no history

It is easy to call yourself a "Christian" but to show it speaks louder than words.

Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled

Based on what you have told us of her actions I would suggest that she is not a devout Christian in actions

Devout definition: committed or devoted to religion or to religious duties or exercise

But in her definition only.

Just my opinion.

Butforthegrace posted 7/2/2020 14:02 PM

It is easy to call yourself a "Christian" but to show it speaks louder than words.

Amen. Remember when Marty McSorley (NHL) his Donald Brashear across the head with his stick, causing a severe concussion? And later, in the press conference, saying some bullshit like: "That's not me. I'm not a guy who does that." Yet he literally did it, on live TV, before thousands of viewers. It was in fact him.

Your WW's professed "Christianity" is that. Words. People tell the truth with their actions, even when they lie with their words.

As to why she went "zero to a million" in 2 seconds sexually? The answer is easy: because she wanted to. She chose to. It was her decision to do that, because she wanted to do that.

It's not something you really need to understand. The feeling of wanting to understand it is really: "She didn't to that with/for me. Why did she do it with/for the AP." There is no explanation other than she didn't want to do it with/for you, and she did want to do it with/for the AP.

If you pursue R, that is a reality of your landscape that will be part of your marriage, for life. If she were honest, she would describe what she felt she was craving so badly that led her to want that and choose it. I don't gather from your posts that she had done the work to get to that question, suggesting that you are not actually on the path of R, at all.

Justsomeguy posted 7/2/2020 16:14 PM

I just want to respond to your sentiment that the APust have said all the right things to get your WWt o cheat. What you are essentially saying is that your WW was the victim if a player who had magical powers of seduction. That's what we over here call a crock of shit. This outsources her responsibility and makes her a victim with you. Poor little thing, being tempted into another man's bed. How on earth could a girl resist those jedi powers.

I suspect that it will be a tough process to come to the realization that your image of your wife and your actual wife are very different. If your anything like me, you married an idea and not an actual person. When I saw my WW for ehow she was, I didn't like her much, really at all. By the way, it was awesome giving her the IDLYAINILWY speech. That's, I don't love you and I'm not in love with you so we are so done.

My WW tried the I was seduced bullshit on me. She still tries to outsource and offload her culpability whenever she can. She talks about her "crazy year" as if was abstract and temporary. This serves to do tek things. First, it takes a concrete event and turns it into an idea, abstract an ephemeral. Second, it reinforces the narrative that her infidelity way bookended buy discrete dates. It had a start and an end. That keeps me from looking into earlier behavior and off ygecscent do to speak. I don't give a shit, but I do recognize that such wayward thinking makes her an unsafe partner for anyone.

Do not give your WW and, and I mean any wiggle room in the culpability department. Her Affair is all on her.

Robert22205https posted 7/2/2020 18:08 PM

She now claims it was limerence, not love.

If that was limerence, then shat is her rational for the more recent contact from your other post?

For 25 years after my WF’s affair supposedly ended, I find correspondence to him in her desk. Apparently as soon as he had his wife in a Nsging home, they reconnected.

How did they reconnect?
How did she know his wife was in a nursing home?
How did he have her address?

Niceguy25 posted 7/2/2020 20:44 PM

So many great points to consider that just aren’t as clear when your in the midst of the deception, gas lighting and rose g sweeping.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 4:52 AM, July 5th (Sunday)]

LadyG posted 7/2/2020 21:05 PM

She was Christian. How could she do that?

My STBXWH also told me his exAP “was very religious”

WH attended both Christmas and Easter services with her at her very Orthodox Church.

So, yes, they were out and about committing Adultery in her church in full view of her family and friends.

WH hated attending Church with his own mother. In fact he missed Christmas Eve mass altogether with his own family and I sat in Church with his mother, while he was with AP.

Niceguy25 posted 7/3/2020 10:22 AM

It boggles my mind. I joined her faith so we could share our faithlife. In our first 13 years of marriage we had 7 pregnancies resulting in two live births, sacramental ceremonies for our engagement and our wedding which was granted a Papal blessing, attended church every week, worked in both Engaged and Marriage encounter for 6 years, 2 years in the Life in the Spirit movement, were CCO Instructors for high schoolers, sang in the church choir, and served on the church council. One trip out of town the week after our 13th anniversary and my 40th Birthday, she meets a married man, a stranger and begins a 3 1/2 year Sexual and emotional affair . I don’t get it and never will.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 10:44 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

traicionada posted 7/3/2020 10:55 AM

There’s a reason why many Christian denominations, including the RC, offer infidelity support groups as part of their ministry; being an active believer doesn’t affair proof a marriage As a cradle RC, it always seemed contradictory to my thou shall not faith formation but it makes perfect sense as a strategy to reduce cognitive dissonance

josiep posted 7/3/2020 11:00 AM

As we continue our attempt to reconcile

I see that you're 70 yrs. old, as am I. So I'll tell you exactly what I think. We don't have a lot of years left. If your WW refuses to explain, I don't see that you have a lot to work with. She's still deceiving you. She's either all in on Reconciliation or she isn't. There is no middle ground. It's not an "attempt." She other does it or she doesn't.

I don't think she's doing it and if I was you, I'd Divorce and find someone else to spend your remaining years with, someone who will be a true companion, someone trustworthy and whose company you enjoy. Trying to get love out of a turnip is a waste of time. Just go for the companionship with someone you can trust. And believe me, as a single 70 yr. old man, you will have more options than you ever imagined. And if you can drive after dark, well, you'd be considered the creme de la creme. :)

Butforthegrace posted 7/3/2020 11:05 AM

One trip out of town the week after our 13th anniversary and my 40th Birthday day, she meets a married man, a stranger and begins a 3 1/2 year Sexual and emotional affair . I don’t get it and never will.

This theme of inability to understand comes up a lot in your threads. I think your issue is that you are attempting to apply logic to the A, from your perspective.

Your WW's A is easy to understand, actually. She wanted a sexual affair with this man. She wanted it enough to risk destroying your marriage, and therefore she decided to engage in the affair.

Your decision is whether you want to remain married to a wife who decided to act on that want, during your marriage. I see you gnashing your teeth on this point over and over, because my perception is that you do not want that wife. You wish your wife were somebody other than who she actually is. Your difficulty reconciling this thought chain is embedded in that cognitive dissonance.

Niceguy25 posted 7/3/2020 12:17 PM

Have I been deaf to the term Cognitive Dissidence all this s time. It explains so much about what occurred twice now. Thank you. I hear each of you say walk away, divorce, etc., but my Vow to God in our wedding day was “till death do us part.” She obviously heard something else. Aside from disappointment and confusion as to why, our life is pretty normal and good. It’s my struggle with trust and understanding that causes my angst. I realize it was her choice, her action, her decision to fuck someone else as well as our marriage in the process. Thank God for the Book if Job.

sisoon posted 7/3/2020 17:33 PM

I have to ask this, niceguy. I mean it as a genuine question to which you - not I - know the answer.

Is your commitment to 'til death do us part' an excuse for inaction?

Robert22205https posted 7/3/2020 17:45 PM

Clearly church doesn't define people.

I don't recall his name but there was a brutal serial killer that was a deacon and active in his church.

I'm sorry there was an attempt and/or serious consideration by her/them to reconnect. In view of the devastation to your life, it's outrageous as well as unfair of your wife.

I think adultery is a sin in most churches and a basis for divorce. It's not contradictory to forgive and still love her - but divorce her.

Especially when you gave her the gift of another chance - and she threw you under the bus again.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:46 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Niceguy25 posted 7/3/2020 18:06 PM

Sisson, it’s sincere. I am truly a straight up guy...always have been. I talked to a divorce lawyer and then my therapist of the last two years and both, after getting to know me have said, work it out as divorce will only make it worse for you. I know it seems inconceivable to love her, but my life as I know it is with her. Hey thats not to say I will ever tolerate another deception as I won’t. Strike 3 and we’re done, and I’ve told her that several times. It’s not a threat, but a foregone conclusion.

josiep posted 7/3/2020 18:39 PM

explains so much about what occurred twice now. Thank you. I hear each of you say walk away, divorce, etc., but my Vow to God in our wedding day was “till death do us part.”

I talked to a divorce lawyer and then my therapist of the last two years and both, after getting to know me have said, work it out as divorce will only make it worse for you. I know it seems inconceivable to love her, but my life as I know it is with her. Hey thats not to say I will ever tolerate another deception as I won’t. Strike 3 and we’re done, and I’ve told her that several times. It’s not a threat, but a foregone conclusion

I know you’re struggling with all of this and understandably so because it’s about the worst thing a person can go through. But it might help you come to terms a bit more if you spend a bit more effort trying to reconcile your own feelings about everything that has happened and how you feel about it instead of trying to understand why she did and does what she did and does.

Coming to a place of acceptance will bring you peace. If you have indeed decided that it’s til death do you part, it doesn’t help to then declare that Strike 3 is the end. It just keeps your mind and your heart on different wave lengths.

You love her. She loves you. The rest doesn’t matter at this point.

OwningItNow posted 7/3/2020 18:49 PM

At those times, the AP did not say or do the right things; that would make him and his words special. It is more likely that she was feeling a certain way, Christian or not--lonely, old, uninteresting, unaccomplished, low--and she "heard" what she wanted to hear, exaggerated those words in her mind, gave them more (artificial) power because of her need to feel better through additional validation. Her need to feel better was probably overwhelming at that time, whether she was aware or not.

Cheating is never about what the AP has or the BS doesn't have. It's "How painful is the internal void in the WS at the time of the A, and how overwhelmingly delusional is their desire to fill that void and stop the pain?" Something was going on with her, and in her desperation to feel better, the validation bar was very low. I'm so sorry. I hope she's done the work on herself that was needed.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:55 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

skerzoid posted 7/4/2020 01:22 AM

The New Testament allows divorce in cases of adultery. Till death do us part is a guideline except in cases of adultery. Adultery breaks all vows. Adultery is worse than all other sins.

As far as explaining her actions, she is human, not the Saint you had on a pedestal. Lust explains things that seem complex. These things are not complex. She wanted him, she got him, and she has no remorse.

From the beginning, man and woman have been capable of egregious sin. Eve, Cain, Lot & his daughters. The Bible is full of this. David sent a man into battle so he could fuck his wife. Even Holy humans are capable of the worst sin. That's what forgiveness is about.

God himself had to die from torture to pay for our transgressions.

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