"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Niceguy25 posted 7/4/2020 08:32 AM

Where in the New Testament does It allow divorce for a Catholic for adultery?

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 4:53 AM, July 5th (Sunday)]

Carissima posted 7/4/2020 08:51 AM

The verse they're referring to I'd in Chapter 19 of Matthew's gospels I believe.
The Catholic church does not allow divorce for adultery or rather it does not recognise that the marriage bond has been broken so you wouldn't be able to be remarried in the church. You would still need to apply for an annulment as well as a divorce to remarry in the church.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/4/2020 09:59 AM

Matthew 5:32

rambler posted 7/4/2020 10:00 AM

Mathew 8 9.

The church does not allow divorce to remarry unless the marriage has been annulled.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/4/2020 10:04 AM

With adultery, you can ask for an annulment.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/4/2020 10:05 AM

Rambler beat to the annulment.

sisoon posted 7/4/2020 11:43 AM

Niceguy,

It's entirely conceivable to me to love one's WS, no matter how many times they betrays their BS.

I don't see how to break that sort of love without going NC, and since you don't want to go NC....

What do you need to be comfortable with your decision?

Not many of us think you're doing the right thing for yourself, but more important, I think the vast majority of us (there's always an exception ) honor your ability and right to make your decision. I can even agree that you're making a good decision, if your values have certain priorities.

So you're making the best decision you can, given your value system. I hope you can start feeling good about your decision and yourself quickly.

skerzoid posted 7/4/2020 17:31 PM

Google: Marriage Annulments Under Pope Francis. (Book)

Also Google: How to Get an Annulment Through the Catholic Church

relletreknit posted 7/5/2020 05:00 AM

Being devout Christian is irrelevant. Religious people are as much in to affairs as anyone else, sometimes more. The way this works is that you can always ask for forgiveness to Jesus. I had interesting discussion with super religious person and it turns out there are as many verses in Bible against adultery as giving yourself to God at later day, do confessions and purifying yourself. Bible is full of these contradictions. Sure, it’s a major sin but, hey, you can erase it all out at later day.

My view is that affairs don’t happen suddenly. It is happening from very first week of marriage. People commit to marriage for all kind of reasons, convince themselves that they are in love and then find out it was all big mistake. But then it’s too late. Out of obligation they continue dragging on and become miserable inside, slowly but surely. One day it occurs to them that they deserve to be happy and if no one knows it then no one gets hurt. So they get in affair. The BS continue in their world of deep love and soulmate bullshit. One day, mistake is made and everything is out in open. BS tries to figure out where did it went wrong and clings on to the fantasy world they had created. When you look at the whole story, nothing is really a surprise.

Niceguy25 posted 7/5/2020 13:06 PM

Sisoon, there lies the problem. I do still love her, I do still want my marriage, I do still desire her in spite of her break in our vows. Call me whatever, she is the only woman I’ve ever loved. Is she faithful now, I think the last 5 years have shown her remorse and guilt over her alleged “mistakes”. I know she made multiple decisions to betray me during their affair and again 5 years ago. I still choose her and more than anything want to understand what lead her to that decision. Cognitive dissidence explains how she got there, now I just need to understand “why.”

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 4:41 PM, July 5th (Sunday)]

taken4granted posted 7/5/2020 13:49 PM

You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand, but what you need to understand is that you are married to someone that you don’t truly know. And why she did it? Because she wanted to and she didn’t card if it hurt you because she is the most important person in your marriage. At least that’s what she believes.

Trust me, I took my vow seriously. But I was the only one who did in our marriage. My ex was a cake eater. He wanted to present himself as a good Christian man. He took communion every month never worrying about the ramifications of his actions.

I understand that you still love the person you thought you married. But she isn’t that person. She looks like someone you loved, but she doesn’t exist anymore.

Niceguy25 posted 7/5/2020 20:11 PM

You’re right. I don’t know who she is this in her mind and heart anymore. But, it goes both ways. I am no Longer the Man she betrayed either. Our life is comfortable and usually calm. The thought of upending the Apple cart seems pointless at age 71. I should have done that 30 years ago. I just will always be alert and aware, and remember the that I was caste, loyal and faithful to our vows. That’s gotta be worth something in this lifetime.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 6:07 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

DoinBettr posted 7/6/2020 12:55 PM

You seem to want to see a change in your wife you haven't. You said you have done several outreach programs.
Does your church offer AA?
Have her enroll. See if she can learn enough to be a sponsor so she can learn she has an addiction. It is this other man.
AA does a great job outlining the steps to effectively and thoroughly ask for forgiveness. Oh, and BTW it works really well. I think it might help you see the remorse you want from her.
Just a suggestion and it would be her helping someone else who has an issue lying and doing things they like while hurting those they love. Sound familiar?

Niceguy25 posted 7/7/2020 10:03 AM

DoInBetter...AS for AA, there is a program based on AA that we went through and then led for two years called A Spiritual 12 Step Journey . Did she come clean? Nope, never would talk her affair until l I found the birthday card.

Robert22205https posted 7/7/2020 13:05 PM

What do you want from your wife?

Niceguy25 posted 7/7/2020 18:24 PM

Robert, I want an honest unabridged recounting of how it started, why it started, how long it really lasted, what her real plans were before he dumped her for the new side piece, why she’s unable to be honest with me, and why she tried to reconnect with him 5 years ago. I have copies of their love letters, phone records, travel records, etc. I want to know why she tells me I’m misinterpreting them and why she told me at the time “I’m not in love with you anymore ”, “I’ve emotionally divorced you” and “yes we had sex often but it didn’t mean anything.” Basically honest answers to years of rug sweeping.

RocketRaccoon posted 7/7/2020 23:33 PM

Hey N25,

Gently now, what are the consequences your WW has faced?

Yes, she SEEMS remorseful, but I highly doubt she really is remorseful. A truly remorseful WS would be bending over backwards to help quell the BS anxieties. In your case, your WS seems not to care.

What she does know, is that you will be by her side until the end of days, as you are too scared/lazy to leave, so she has no need to divulge any more information, or explain any further.

She is still keeping her memories of her AP to herself. It could be for a myriad of reasons, but two that would be top of mind would be:
1. She treasures them, and does not want you to sully them. Her Mr. Darcy is still wonderful and beautiful.
2. She is so ashamed of what she did, and wants to bury them so deep that she hopes you will also forget about it, and you two can ride off into the sunset.

Right now, it is still all about her. She may be outwardly doing some things to make herself safe for you again, but by holding herself back, she is proving to you that she will never actually be safe for you again.

As I mentioned above, she knows you will not leave her, so she has no reason to be any 'safer' for you, as she knows you will accept it. She has done just enough to make you still want to hold onto her.

By stating this:

The thought of upending the Apple cart seems pointless at age 71.

You have locked yourself into a state of limbo for the rest of your life, and your WW has zero reasons to give you what you need to heal.

Robert22205https posted 7/8/2020 08:00 AM

I apologize if you've answered this question previously elsewhere but:

was it her attempt to contact him 5 years ago that triggered you? Or would you be here regardless?

Niceguy25 posted 7/8/2020 15:11 PM

Robert, I thought this affair was ancient history, a part of our past we had shelved, forgiven and successfully survived in spite of her rug sweeping and refusal to talk about it. I believed she felt guilt, remorse and disgust with herself for being so naive and foolish. For years I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. Then I found the birthday card for his 75th birthday and my world collapsed beneath me.

Robert22205https posted 7/9/2020 06:05 AM

I believed she felt guilt, remorse and disgust with herself for being so naive and foolish.

IMO, it's not about the OM (and never was). Although the fact that he was different from you in many ways makes it difficult for you (our male ego) to believe.

IMO, your wife needed to feel something that no husband could offer - and the OM (out of town, independent/confident smooth talker with lots of flattery) just served as her fantasy partner in crime - but never as a life partner.

I recall she's been in therapy. What did she get from the affair? What was she feeling when she bought that card (e.g., the same feeling as during the affair)? How did she think you felt when you discovered the card?

IMO, her answers to what she was feeling when she purchased the card & again when she thought about mailing it; and how she thinks you felt on discovering the card are key to your understanding.

If she doesn't 'know' after all her therapy then she needs a new therapist.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:05 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]