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Helping my sweet friend

EllieKMAS posted 7/10/2020 12:21 PM

So one of my oldest and dearest friends called me last night and it turns out her dickbag shitheel fucking douchecanoe of a husband is a cheater! My heart is so very heavy for her today. Boy do I remember dday1.

We were up late talking so I am pooped today.

She is the first person I called on my dday1 and she helped me so much in dealing with my situation. She kept me centered and she was a shoulder that I leaned on many many times. She listened always without judgement and she kept me sane.

On the one hand, I am so grateful that I'm 20 months further down this path and have mostly come out the other side in one piece. I absolutely told her that I am here to support her however she needs. On the other hand, I am trying to be very careful not to project my situation on to hers, which is hard cus I want nothing more than to kick this cheating moron in the dick. Hard and repeatedly.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I know what I needed/wanted in those early days so that's how I am acting, but any suggestions on how I can better support her?

ChamomileTea posted 7/10/2020 12:54 PM

It's hard not to overwhelm somebody IRL with how much you know... and you know a lot. But when you remember back to those first couple of weeks when all we want to do is just curl into a ball and cry, the obvious lead is Self-Care. For a cheerful, little gift, you might try a jar of local honey and a box of soothing decaffeinated tea (with a mug if you can find one with an uplifting message). Call her and check in on her frequently, and if you can get her out of the house during this Covid outbreak, maybe a little light exercise, walking or biking down a well-marked trail. Things like that.

Her brain, just like yours and mine, will try to solve the problem whole, jumping months down the line. Just remind her that she has time for all that and that you'll be there for her no matter what she decides. As you remember, our loyalty is still with the cheater for a good long while, and I didn't want to hear what a shit person my WH was from other people. So, keep your powder dry on the dick-kicking until she's ready for that kind of solidarity.

I'm sorry this happened to your friend, but glad she has you to rely on.

Chaos posted 7/10/2020 13:07 PM

Invite her out for coffee [or margarita]. Some place where she will have to get out of her house. And listen. The mental break will be a wonderful gift. If she doesn't accept - ask again. Keep asking.

In the mean time, break out your sewing kit and start on a voodoo doll for when she's ready.

EllieKMAS posted 7/10/2020 13:09 PM

Thanks CT. That's kinda why I am venting here because I know I could go overboard with her right now. You know how I am with SIers bein a ninja - with my peeps that are in my heart I am a fucking dragon IRL.

Thankfully... I think she was already in the headspace that changes were coming, so I hope (hope hope HOPE) that she's in a better 'starting' place than I was on dday1. I think she is.

Funny you mention the mug lol - I have one in my cart right now for her that is a unicorn flipping people off that says "Bitch please, I'm fabulous" but I will definitely look for a nice little tea sampler to go with.

Outoflove2020 posted 7/10/2020 13:14 PM

Ellie, I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather have in my corner. You will do right by your friend, of that I am absolutely sure.

Evertrying posted 7/10/2020 13:16 PM

Just remember that while most affairs have the same shit (lies, TT, gaslighting, etc.) each one is different.

Just let her know that you are there for her no matter what she decides to do. Listen to her and be a sounding board. Tell her about SI and maybe she can get some support here too.

My best friend has never been through infidelity with her H, but she was there for me every step of the way and talked to me through a lot of what I was feeling at the time.

Your friend will need you.

nekonamida posted 7/10/2020 13:45 PM

I had a very similar situation with one my friends. His (now ex) GF was a cheater, manipulative, and physically abusive. Keep in mind her journey is a marathon even if he continues to be a shitheel. It took my friend nearly 2 years to wrap that relationship up even after dodging a punch to the face and even with tons of support and all of his friends and family making it known he deserved much better than her.

Be factual with your advice when you give it. Obviously don't give her false hope if he's still seeing the AP. Remind her that she's strong, smart, and she can make a good choice for herself no matter what he does. Empower her to make healthy choices for herself. Tell her about resources she can use to navigate this (IC, books, articles, SI, MC if applicable). And it's okay to tell her about how you had the same experience, how you felt about it, and how you handled it even if her path is different. Even if she does R, she will feel less alone in dealing with the roller coaster.

The1stWife posted 7/10/2020 14:04 PM

The emotional brain is not always in sync with the logical brain.

She may still love him and want to R.

It may be hard not to give advice or an opinion.

She’s lucky she has a good friend like you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:04 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Notmine posted 7/10/2020 14:48 PM

Ellie, how I love your fire (and your hilarious verbiage)! I have a dear friend who I called the day after DDay who truly made a difference in my life. She had also gone through infidelity. She would listen to me and reassure me that I would be ok and that I would get through it. She did not lie to me. She shared her experience, strength and hope and talked me off the edge many times. We laughed and cried and turned it up more than once. The best thing you can do is what you are already doing. You are there for her, no matter what. Bless you for being a dragon. We all need one.

EllieKMAS posted 7/10/2020 14:59 PM

Thank you everyone for responding...

I am trying to stick to the same lines I do with any new BS - self-care, water, sleep, lawyer consult for information, yaddah yaddah. The biggest difference here is that I KNOW the 10+ years of backstory. I wouldn't have thought before this that it would make such a huge difference, but boy does it ever.

Thankfully, she called me last night after leaving her folks house (and I quote) "because she knew I would tell her the truth". She has known me a long time and is one of those very rare people who values truth over political correctness. Probably a huge part of the reason why we've been friends for so long!

I have been checking in with myself too - and the good news is that this is surprisingly not triggering me as much as I thought it would. I am not hurting for me (just the opposite actually - have said so many thank you's to the universe today that my xdouche is far far away), just heartbroken for her. She kinda knows what she's in for having talked me off the ceiling more than once going through my shit, but I warned her that the next few days/weeks/months are just gonna suck. Sigh.

2020 can just go eat a giant bag of dicks. Seriously. Fuck this year.

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2020 15:07 PM

dickbag shitheel fucking

douchecanoe of a husband

OMG, Ellie; you go with your badass name-calling self!

You're a beautiful, wonderful friend...you're doing everything right. Be there for her as you are now. She will never forget it.

She is going to appreciate your honesty when her head clears...promise.

Wow...I wish I had a girlfriend like you when I was going through this shit 13 years ago. You rock, sister. ((((Ellie))))

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