fournlau posted 7/12/2020 14:56 PM

Yesterday was DS2's BD and DD2 and SIL were over. We played Taboo. DD3, DS2 and WH were on the same team. DD2 was trying to get them to say the word "Nag". Her clue was "Something negative a husband calls his wife". WH immediately and enthusiastically declared "Bitch"! There were gasps around the table then laughter. My eyes just went wide and my jaw dropped, really? WTAF?

He put his hand on my arm and said that he had only said that because he thought that's what would be on the card. Hmm, well, bull! I mean, this is a family game and I have never seen a curse word in it.

Am I overreacting here? I pretty much decided to let it go, especially yesterday as I didn't want to get into an argument/disagreement on my DS's BD so we just kept playing. But I can't stop thinking about it. Has he thought that about me? Plenty of times for that to be the first "negative" thing he thought of about a wife? Nag I understand, since that is a generalized thought, hence the clue my DD used. But "bitch"? IDK, thoughts?

[This message edited by fournlau at 2:57 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

gmc94 posted 7/12/2020 15:17 PM

I suspect most husbands have though their wives were a b*tch. I've certainly thought (and called) my WH an a**hole or a d*ck (but I DO have quite the potty mouth).

Brew3x posted 7/12/2020 15:20 PM

Is this a possible attempt at humor? Sometimes men make jokes that don’t go over well.

landclark posted 7/12/2020 15:27 PM

Was he just trying to be funny by any chance, and just failed miserably?

I’m sure there have been plenty of times my WH thought of me as a B*. There are certainly plenty of times I’ve thought of him as an ahole. I feel like it’s somewhat normal.

But it only matters that it bothers you, to be honest.

HardKnocks posted 7/12/2020 15:32 PM

What is your primary concern about this?

I think that might help you sort this out.

fournlau posted 7/12/2020 16:26 PM

I know he's thought of me as a bitch at times, probably even called me that in his head or behind my back. I've thought nasty names about him as well, and since the A, called him some to his face.

It didn't feel like a joke, it was a serious answer. He certainly knew right away that it was a grave miscalculation that he tried to defer.

Why did it upset me? I don't know. I guess it's because while as people in long term relationships there are sure to be times when you don't like the other person, are angry at them, think nasty names about them etc., those things are reserved for your inner self. Or laid out in a journal because you know they are transitory thoughts and that's not how you really feel about someone. Even me calling him names after the A was exposed was/is normal and while it might hurt the WS, they know they deserve the onslaught for what they've done. Yet, I have done nothing to warrant him calling me a bitch. Yes, I know he wasn't directing that words towards me, but at the same time, why that word? Why was that his immediate thought about what negative term a husband calls his wife? Maybe I'm digging too deep into this or putting too much import in the reason he said that word. IDK. It seems that I over-analyze everything he says and does now. I just can't help it. Fool me once and all that.

landclark posted 7/12/2020 17:23 PM

It seems that I over-analyze everything he says and does now. I just can't help it. Fool me once and all that.

You’re not alone. I do the same thing. Why wouldn’t we?

I think if it’s really bothering you, it may be worth a conversation with him about why his head went immediately there.

gmc94 posted 7/12/2020 17:28 PM

I think if it’s really bothering you, it may be worth a conversation with him about why his head went immediately there

TBH, as I said before I have a potty mouth, but I can see myself saying "b*tch" too given the clue (tho I really try not to use that word, as I think it's anti-woman and "d*ck" doesn't have the same connotation for men).

million pieces posted 7/12/2020 17:38 PM

I probably would have said bitch too as an answer, and asshole for the other gender. But I can TOTALLY see this pissing my off 10 yrs ago. (((hugs)))

Darkness Falls posted 7/12/2020 17:38 PM

TBH I think that would be most people’s automatic first answer, male and female. Almost like a stereotype or something. He probably didn’t mean it personally towards you.

fournlau posted 7/12/2020 20:48 PM

Wow, I had no idea so many people would have answered "bitch". Maybe I am taking it too personally. Since that is not what my first thought would have been. Though yes "asshole", "POS" would have come to mind as something negative a wife says about their husband, but thats because of the A. And I still wouldn't have said it, because this is a family game and I doubt they would have that as a word.

ETA: I don't think I will have this conversation with WH.Seems the consensus is that perhaps I AM taking this too personally and he will probably say exactly that and that is a very big trigger for me. It's an excuse he has used throughout our M when he didn't want to talk about my feelings etc.

[This message edited by fournlau at 9:01 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

ct528 posted 7/13/2020 08:10 AM

I agree with Darkness Falls. But you should be able to talk to him about why you were triggered even if he wasn’t applying it to you specifically.

My first husband was emotionally abusive and called me every name in the book. The one that hurt the most was “failure.”

ETA, that is kind of a terrible question for a family game!

[This message edited by ct528 at 8:11 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

Bigger posted 7/13/2020 08:17 AM

I actually think bitch is the lesser of two evils when compared to nag.
A nag is someone that constantly moans and groans over an issue.
A bitch might simply be someone that is determined and keeps going for what she wants.

But I guess I would be disposing of that card from the game. Many of us BS might be tempted to call our wife “whore” after d-day. Both nag and bitch would be preferable to that.

Carissima posted 7/13/2020 08:18 AM

Actually I kind of disagree with most people. I think this response would pass as trying to be funny if you were playing with your friends, your peers. Playing with your children, no matter that they're grown then no I'm with you, I don't really find it appropriate.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/13/2020 08:42 AM

I'm a woman and honestly, Bitch was the first thing that came to my mind. I will agree that IDK if that would have been my answer if kids were present...if only adults it would have been my answer.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:42 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 7/13/2020 10:02 AM

I would say in mind the action of both words are synonyms. Nagging and Bitching.... of course my first response (keep in mind I am an old ICU nurse, and we have worse mouths than anyone) would be Oh really? You Piece of shit mother fucker? But then I would have laughed and moved on. But I could see at some point in my healing where that may have bothered me. I would discuss it with him let him know it bothered you and move on w/ life.

gmc94 posted 7/13/2020 10:39 AM

Fornlou: I would still talk to my WH about it. Not to nag him (yes, pun intended). It bothered you, so why not share it?

As a BS, there is a slew of stuff that bothers me today that would NEVER have bothered me 3 years ago. Things that I now "take personally" but didn't before dday. It's ok to be sensitive to something that others are not so sensitive to.

I'm not 'in R' so I rarely share that stuff with my WH. But if I were committed to R, I think it's important to open those lines of communication. I would want to be clear about what/why it was bothersome. IOW, if he'd said that around only adults, would you have had the same reaction? In which case the convo is really about language around the kids.

Or did your reaction stem from the idea (or you feeling/believing) that he thinks you ARE a bitch? In which case the convo is around the ways in which you are sensitive to what you think he thinks about you (hope that makes sense). This is something that you both can work to become more aware about.

It could be either, both or something else completely. It seems to me that the "work" is to find some clarity about what was triggered and then sharing that with your WH. If his response - regardless of the reason for the trigger - is to blow you off, it seems you have a different issue