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A doozy of an emotional hangover

Louisianalisa posted 7/12/2020 19:33 PM

The divorce for my WH and me is now finalized, and it's officially over effective this month. XWH came over last week to meet with our real estate agent and sign some paperwork. After the agent left, XWH and I began talking, which quickly turned into a fight.

I am still reeling from his behavior, and still mad at myself for engaging a narcissist (which is like sticking my head in a Kitchen Aid). Here are the two things he said to me that hurt and upset me so profoundly, I am still crying six days later:

First, he said that he moved out last November because "it was clear that we couldn't meet 50/50 and compromise to make the marriage work"... I was astounded at this, because I went above and beyond after DDay, and it still wasn't enough for him. I mean, doesn't offering him forgiveness and reconciliation constitute my 50%??? Besides that, I did the pick-me dance for months, bending over backwards for him to save our marriage.

I guess I am astounded that he thinks that he can 1. have a long-term affair, 2. put me through six months of trickle truth torture and false reconciliation, 3. abuse my forgiveness offered to him, 4. lie his ass off for years, 5. ignore my list of reconciliation requests, 6. refuse to provide transparency, 7. refuse to trust build, 8. refuse to provide proof that the affair was over, 9. lie in marriage counseling, 10. ignore my pleas for him to stay, and STILL say that he DID his 50%.

I told him "I'm the betrayed spouse. You needed to put me first for once, so that I could heal." He disagreed with me. The entitlement of these people... I tell ya. You can't make this stuff up.

Second, I told him that he did NOT do his 50% because I wrote down a list of what I needed him to do to reestablish trust (remove passwords from electronics, get tested for STDs, merge our cell phone bills, etc) and he refused to do any of it. He did not do one thing on my list. And in reply, he looked right at me and said, "That list was unacceptable. Unacceptable to me."

So the needs of his wife's heart and soul in order to heal from a brutal infidelity are "unacceptable." Wow. That word is still rattling around in my mind. Was I supposed to seek his approval and ask permission before searching my heart and soul for what I needed? The man is a brick wall, and he is a master at dismissing and devaluing and withholding all validation and acknowledgement of even my most basic needs as his wife.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that our
six-month reconciliation attempt was genuine attempts on his part, although he lied for three of the six months, and never fulfilled one of my requests... He said that I was not doing MY part, that I was not doing my 50% to meet him half way... and that is why he left. This is news to me.

The yelling escalated and he stormed out, but not without telling me, "You have your own narrative." He's the one who changes his stories all of the time. And besides, who's narrative should I have? His? He's lied to me for years, so why should I rely on HIS narrative? I told him that his idea of reconciliation was for me to shut up, stop crying, stop being mad, stop holding him accountable and rug sweep the entire affair. Then he would have graced me with his presence in our home. He wanted me to blindly trust him again without him doing one ounce of the work. I used to blindly trust him, and look where THAT got me.

After he left, I thanked God for the first time for taking him out of my life. I think that's progress. But being told my needs were "unacceptable" really really stung. Deeply. In his mind, the marriage ended because I was not a good wife and his affair was just a "by product" (his word) of that. And our marriage ended because I would not meet him half way during wreckonciliation.

After all of that, the next morning he sent me a scathing email telling me to "cease and desist" with my emotional and verbal abuse of him.

I'm sure after reading this post, you all feel like your heads are in a Kitchen-Aid too. I guess I am posting here tonight instead of emailing him back. And I'm posting here as well, as a place to go for support and a kind ear, because his devaluation of me reached an all-time low. He can still hurt me so deeply, and I hate that.

"Unacceptable". Wow...His new all-time low at dismissing and invalidating me.

And THIS, ladies and gentleman, is life (and divorce) with the most entitled narcissist on the planet.

Here and now, I am recommitting back to the 180. Thanks for listening everyone.


[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 7:46 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 7/12/2020 19:58 PM

What a fucker. Seriously.

Easier said than done (but you know this which is why you're posting here), don't engage anymore. Nothing you say at this point will make him see anything.

Dry your tears girl. You got free of it and you are amazing! Let him go merrily on his way head up ass. He won't ever find the peace and happiness he so desperately wants.

fareast posted 7/12/2020 20:03 PM

Louisianalisa:


You have been heard! I am so happy for you! I am so happy you are free of that delusional jerk. Kitchen-aid is being too kind. Talking to this creep is like sticking your head in a bark chipper. I know the type well. My father was just like him. Always right. Always the victim. Rewrite the truth to fit his narrative. Very cruel. Meh! You are so much better off now. No contact. Zero. Crickets. If he tries to engage, gray rock. Everything he said, all of the nutty stuff and rewritten history had one purpose. To hurt you. If you must react, just smirk and walk away. Donít feed the beast. Good luck and enjoy a much brighter future than being stuck with that loser.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:35 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Louisianalisa posted 7/12/2020 20:17 PM

It's crazy that anytime I express any anger, he translates it into "emotional and verbal abuse."

fareast: bark chipper does sound more accurate. I certainly have the headache to prove it!

Lost2760 posted 7/12/2020 20:23 PM

Wow. I thought I had it bad with my WH narcissistic tendencies. I am so sorry you had to endure so much of that. But I am so glad that you are the tail end of being done and getting out of that. You deserve so much more! He just knows exactly what to say to hurt you. You know your worth. You gave it more than I would have! You are fucking STRONG and donít let the words of that asshole make you feel any less.

I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you find peace and happiness you deserve with someone who appreciates you for everything you are.

Donít engage. Let it go and keep telling yourself how awesome you are. Because YOU ARE!

[This message edited by Lost2760 at 8:24 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

OwningItNow posted 7/12/2020 20:43 PM

After all of that, the next morning he sent me a scathing email telling me to "cease and desist" with my emotional and verbal abuse of him.

I hope you realize that when he sent you this, he was indirectly telling you that you won and you had gotten to him. (Or rather he had gotten to himself.) He knows he is wrong and hurt you and ruined everything. And he is so angry about it. Narcissists don't yell at you when they are mad at you, they yell at you when they are mad at themselves. Or hurt. Or embarrassed. Or ashamed. Yelling at you is all they've got because they are unable to admit how badly they feel about themselves. Un. Able. It won't ever change.

When a narcissist is suffering from their stupidity and feeling their loss, they attack you for it. So see, you are actually the emotional winner. The strong one. He will be stuck in his narcissistic, self-propogated misery forever, doomed by whatever FOO put him there in the first place. But you are walking away the victor, the survivor, the winner! Because you saved yourself and got away. I know that is little consolation but it's actually great. And he knows it's great, too. He knows he messed up and lost a great thing, so he lashed out at you by email. It's as close to a confession as you'll ever get. He's hurting but incapable of looking at himself as the cause.

I'm really proud of your strength in getting away. Leaving a narcissist is one of the most difficult mental and emotional accomplishments on this earth. You are Superwoman.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:47 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Lost2760 posted 7/12/2020 21:00 PM

I wish there was a like button for the comments!! 👆👆👆🙌
Owning said it PERFECTLY!

AnnieOakley posted 7/12/2020 22:09 PM

LL,

I donít post often but Iíve been thinking about you.

Seriously....FTG. You have gone thru hell in such a short time. Be kind to yourself. Block and ignore him from this point forward. You are worth so much more.

I have focused primarily on myself for the last few years, I hope that you do the same and not only survive, but thrive.

Anna123 posted 7/12/2020 23:43 PM

Here and now, I am recommitting back to the 180.

And that discussion is why we do that:-) It is a muddled mess and will never make sense but only open the door to sparking us to ruminate some stupid point they make in order to make themselves feel better about being lying cheaters that destroy families.

Congrats on your freedom from that mess! What he said is a bunch of Bull.

The1stWife posted 7/13/2020 05:23 AM

After a few days of no contact you will see him for what he is. And then you wonít put any stock in his words.

Heís just a cruel manipulative jerk.

His words will mean nothing One day. I promise!

WhoTheBleep posted 7/13/2020 06:28 AM

LL, your 50% that you failed to do was called rugsweeping and ignoring future infidelities. That is the only way the marriage would have worked for him. You were supposed to let him cake eat, and never bring up his affair again.

And thus, the divorce. Good for you! You can move forward without a lying liar who lies. And he is stuck with himself... A lying liar who lies. Too bad, so sad!!

Louisianalisa posted 7/13/2020 06:35 AM

Thanks for so much encouragement everyone. I went for a nice long run this morning, thinking about all of the great insight you all have written here for me.

I realize that the 50% that I did not fulfill for him was that I was not being a good enough doormat. WhoTheBleep said it so well. How dare I hold him accountable.

LadyG posted 7/13/2020 07:03 AM

Envy and congratulate you for getting your head out of the Narcissistic Kitchen Aid after 14 years.

I went through the narcissistic wood chipper for 35 years.

As soon as NC was enforced June 26, I started once again picking up the pieces and putting myself back together.

I am feeling almost whole again after only a few weeks.

Took my puppy out for a walk today and I felt safe out there once again.

Now that my children are completely on board with Divorce, I am so looking forward to the end 🙏🏼

ct528 posted 7/13/2020 07:59 AM

Reminds me of my ex from 10 years ago. Just turn everything he says around and apply it him - when he says ďyou,Ē change it to ďIĒ. Donít bother trying to get thru to him. The sooner he is in your review mirror, the better!

Lady G, glad you are healing!

Tanner posted 7/13/2020 22:42 PM

I know it hurts, and really sucks to have his version of history. You are heard, now dust yourself off and start looking ahead, this toxic person is now just the Ex. You are better off now, best wishes.

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