The divorce for my WH and me is now finalized, and it's officially over effective this month. XWH came over last week to meet with our real estate agent and sign some paperwork. After the agent left, XWH and I began talking, which quickly turned into a fight.
I am still reeling from his behavior, and still mad at myself for engaging a narcissist (which is like sticking my head in a Kitchen Aid). Here are the two things he said to me that hurt and upset me so profoundly, I am still crying six days later:
First, he said that he moved out last November because "it was clear that we couldn't meet 50/50 and compromise to make the marriage work"...
I was astounded at this, because I went above and beyond after DDay, and it still wasn't enough for him. I mean, doesn't offering him forgiveness and reconciliation constitute my 50%??? Besides that, I did the pick-me dance for months, bending over backwards for him to save our marriage.
I guess I am astounded that he thinks that he can 1. have a long-term affair, 2. put me through six months of trickle truth torture and false reconciliation, 3. abuse my forgiveness offered to him, 4. lie his ass off for years, 5. ignore my list of reconciliation requests, 6. refuse to provide transparency, 7. refuse to trust build, 8. refuse to provide proof that the affair was over, 9. lie in marriage counseling, 10. ignore my pleas for him to stay, and STILL say that he DID his 50%.
I told him "I'm the betrayed spouse. You needed to put me first for once, so that I could heal." He disagreed with me. The entitlement of these people... I tell ya. You can't make this stuff up.
Second, I told him that he did NOT do his 50% because I wrote down a list of what I needed him to do to reestablish trust (remove passwords from electronics, get tested for STDs, merge our cell phone bills, etc) and he refused to do any of it. He did not do one thing on my list. And in reply, he looked right at me and said, "That list was unacceptable. Unacceptable to me."
So the needs of his wife's heart and soul in order to heal from a brutal infidelity are "unacceptable." Wow. That word is still rattling around in my mind. Was I supposed to seek his approval and ask permission before searching my heart and soul for what I needed? The man is a brick wall, and he is a master at dismissing and devaluing and withholding all validation and acknowledgement of even my most basic needs as his wife.
Then he had the nerve to tell me that our
six-month reconciliation attempt was genuine attempts on his part, although he lied for three of the six months, and never fulfilled one of my requests... He said that I was not doing MY part, that I was not doing my 50% to meet him half way... and that is why he left. This is news to me.
The yelling escalated and he stormed out, but not without telling me, "You have your own narrative." He's the one who changes his stories all of the time. And besides, who's narrative should I have? His? He's lied to me for years, so why should I rely on HIS narrative? I told him that his idea of reconciliation was for me to shut up, stop crying, stop being mad, stop holding him accountable and rug sweep the entire affair. Then he would have graced me with his presence in our home. He wanted me to blindly trust him again without him doing one ounce of the work. I used to blindly trust him, and look where THAT got me.
After he left, I thanked God for the first time for taking him out of my life. I think that's progress. But being told my needs were "unacceptable" really really stung. Deeply. In his mind, the marriage ended because I was not a good wife and his affair was just a "by product" (his word) of that. And our marriage ended because I would not meet him half way during wreckonciliation.
After all of that, the next morning he sent me a scathing email telling me to "cease and desist" with my emotional and verbal abuse of him.
I'm sure after reading this post, you all feel like your heads are in a Kitchen-Aid too. I guess I am posting here tonight instead of emailing him back. And I'm posting here as well, as a place to go for support and a kind ear, because his devaluation of me reached an all-time low. He can still hurt me so deeply, and I hate that.
"Unacceptable". Wow...His new all-time low at dismissing and invalidating me.
And THIS, ladies and gentleman, is life (and divorce) with the most entitled narcissist on the planet.
Here and now, I am recommitting back to the 180. Thanks for listening everyone.
[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 7:46 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]