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Please Please Help

Jess09 posted 7/21/2020 16:58 PM

I don’t know what to do and need advice. I am divorced with 2 young teens. My daughter is having some emotional coping issues and I got her into counseling. Her relationship with her father is strained, well, cause he is a selfish arrogant narcissist bastard!

All she wants is support for what she is going through right now. Instead he will tell her she is just being dramatic, faking or trying to “take advantage” of him. So she doesnt really want to be around him any more than she has to.

He wants her to come during the week for a few days by herself. When she told him she needed some space he told her “You dont have a choice. Until you live on your own you don’t have a say. I could come right now to pick you up and you would have to come!” He called her selfish, unappreciative and a brat! He said all this to a girl who is really struggling with anxiety and self-esteem. WTF!!!

Side note, our divorce allows him to see them every other weekend, one evening a week (which never happens) and a week of vacation. Which he already did twice this year.

My kids have always been afraid to confront or disagree with him. So do I. If you dont do what he wants, like what he likes or dare imply he is wrong or not perfect...you will regret it.

I know I probably need to step in and tell him she does not want to see him and that is that. But he is going to lash out and do what he can to make us all miserable.

I am so afraid of what he will do if I confront him. He made my life miserable during the divorce. He tried to get me to waive maintenance payments. He seriously thought he could bully me into that and if it wasnt for my lawyer he might have succeded. He tried getting custody “till I found a job and home” so he didnt have to pay me at all. It was a nightmare!!!!

What do I do?

HellFire posted 7/21/2020 17:11 PM

He's verbally,and emotionally, abusing her.

Maybe her therapist can speak to the judge, on her behalf,and get contact down to a minimum based on the abuse.

LadyG posted 7/22/2020 04:16 AM

Narcissists are the most awful people to deal with.

I don’t know at what age teens have the right to refuse to see a parent, but check your children’s rights to refuse contact, even if a court has granted him rights.

If he makes threats to you or the children especially via a text message, that may be enough for the children to go to Police for protection. Don’t fear him. Narcissists are mostly all talk.

My Narcissistic STBXWH is regretting involving my 23 year old DS in his last A, as DS is urging me to get the Divorce quickly. Poor son still resides with WH in our family home and he wants out.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 09:42 AM

Jesus what an asshole.

Honestly I would probably talk with a lawyer. I think judges can be sympathetic - if the child is old enough and doesn't want to have contact with a parent then they don't have to.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/22/2020 09:53 AM

My 14 year old has told me if she has to see her dad she’s going to the judge. She says she refuses and will not go.

My Wh hasn’t said he will push this, but I can imagine he wouldn’t get far if he did. It sounds like your stbx will push this and I’d suggest telling your lawyer about this

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:58 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 7/22/2020 13:10 PM

He cannot make you miserable if your give a fuck is broken. For example, xhole would call and start yelling and cussing, click. That easy. He would try to get in my face when he still had the power to come over, I laughed in his face and closed and locked the door. He tried to be physically intimidating. I'd remind him that a 6'2" inch man never looks manly running from a 5'4" woman while she was chambering a round in the barrel (actually happened when he put his hands on me right before the divorce). I'd then gently lift my shirt or my pants leg, depending on where I was concealed carrying that day.
If he is actually dangerous, you get a restraining order. Anything else, either hang up or laugh in his face and close the door. Him being pissed off is not your problem anymore. What is your problem is protecting your kid. She's too young and doesn't yet have the life skills to do this for herself.
I wish a MFer would fuck with one of my kids. I'd have a restraining order so fast it would make their head spin. And if they were a physical threat, they wouldn't be breathing for much longer.
Use any evidence you have and see an attorney about full custody with limited visitations in the meantime.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:12 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

Jess09 posted 7/22/2020 13:56 PM

I found a state website that lets your ask a legal question and get advice for free. They basically told me that if it says in the divorce he gets to see them every other weekend...then under the law they have to go...till they are 18!!!!! This is crazy!!!! How do I tell my daughter that!!!!

HalfTime2017 posted 7/22/2020 15:13 PM

So do I. If you dont do what he wants, like what he likes or dare imply he is wrong or not perfect...you will regret it.

Can you clarify this point? If he has done things that the court would look down upon, it would potentially be your daughters out. And how old is your daughter? If she is 16 plus, doubt there is anything he can do. Even if the papers say that he has her during those times, she is old enough to choose otherwise.

gmc94 posted 7/22/2020 15:33 PM

Him being pissed off is not your problem anymore. What is your problem is protecting your kid. She's too young and doesn't yet have the life skills to do this for herself.
Amen to that.

Jess- how old is this kid? For kids over 15/16, most judges would tell your WH that you cannot force the kid to do the visitation.

The key is that YOU cannot, unilaterally, stop the visitation as ordered in the decree. Unless there is physical abuse, it is more likely to end up that you have pissed off the judge by withholding visitation than your WH has by his alleged abusive language.

So. Contact an attorney and see what your rights are in your state/locale. In the meantime, that kid is going to see her dad one night a week & every other weekend. Once you inject yourself, you become the person that is "alienating" your DD (it's a whole thing and there are tons of "mad dads" groups basically manipulating the narrative into all women are scorned bitches that will get vengeance by keeping the kids from the awesome Disneyland dad).

Her IC should be able to help her find strategies to deal with his bullshit. She may have to see him, but she does not have to engage with him. She doesn't have to be vulnerable by telling him about her life. She can wear a VAR to her visitation and record that shit (do NOT do this w/o talking to an attorney).

Jess09 posted 7/22/2020 15:49 PM

Halftime2017...my daughter is 13. He has already gone against the divorce papers. But in minor ways. He isnt suppose to bring a “girlfriend” around my kids till a year past the divorce. He broke that several times, bringing his married whore (she is still cheating on her husband) and even her daughter to his apartment when my kids were there. And he specifically told them to not tell me. But they were told it was his “work friend”. I just recently found this out and now it is over a year so no point in doing anything. He is telling them all the time to not tell me things. Basically implying it is ok to lie and do potentially things that are wrong. Such a great Dad.

He is a complete narcissist. So if the kids dont want to do something he wants to do or dont have the same opinions or interests...he will put them down. He will not admit he is wrong about anything. So even when he told my daughter that her feelings of sadness or self harm were just “in her head” and made her cry...he never said he was sorry. He waited for her to say she was sorry just to make things “ok”. My older son has finally just given in to never saying no to him. Just to keep the peace.


homewrecked2011 posted 7/22/2020 16:12 PM

Take a deep breath. He’s totally stressing you out bc he knows he can get to you by hurting your kids. Do not let him see it’s working. ❤️ In Alanon I learned to act, not re-act to insane people.

I would say first off, do not share any details of your child with him. Nothing. Let him think she stopped counseling, bc I learned the hard way, my xh was immediately trying to damage control when I told them the kids were in counseling and how they needed his support. He did not care if the kids were hurting, and needing counseling, he just wanted everyone to shut up. So he continually told them why they didn’t need counseling...
So don’t tell him anything about her.

Next, my atty had me keep a secret list of when he did/did not see the kids.

Get both your kids in counseling separately so they can have the tools to stand up to their Dad. I got free counseling at the domestic violence center. I went first, then my IC got the kids in. We got around telling their Dad bc it was done in the context of “how to make our home a safe haven and how to work thru any differences we may have”.
BTW emotional abuse is domestic violence.

Also try to find an Alanon support group in your area. Even if your xh doesn’t drink, Alanon is awesome at helping bring calmness when dealing with disordered people. They have phone meetings, too, listed on their website.

And, if it’s not your xh’s weekend or evening, the answer is NO about your child seeing him. I did this many times with my kids bc their Dad was running all over our boundaries. My atty said it was fine to stick to the div decree on that. (If he was normal I might have been ok with extra visitation, but he and his OW are psychos).

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:13 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 7/22/2020 16:30 PM

13 is pretty young - too young in my area to stop seeing a parent. And I wish you'd have called him out on the breaking the decree with the girlfriend - but that ship has passed.

The kids need good IC and strategies to deal with their dad.

And DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I do it in a calendar, but it doesn't matter so long as you stick to it. If he is late, document it. If he doesn't exercise visitation, document it. Didn't get child support on time? Document it. Screams at you/kids, document it.
You want the ability to testify that you kept notes at the same time of the event(s).

And if al-anon doesn't work, you can always try Codependents anonymous. Both 12 step programs and IMO the same gist.

He's an asshat. You can't change that. You can't make him be a better dad. You can't change the custody schedule (at least not yet). All you can do is work on how to set and keep boundaries - and teach your kids to do the same (lessons that will help them for a lifetime).

Didn't cause it
Cant control it
Can't cure it

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