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How does it get easier?

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LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2020 19:16 PM

I came across this in a book about divorce and thought that's exactly how it feels.


"The end of a marriage is truly a death. Times when you feel overwhelmed by grief; when you burst into tears in public; when you feel the emotional emptiness as a sharp physical pain gnawing at your insides like an ulcer."


How does it get easier? I know that eventually it will, or at least I hope it does, but how?


We're not officially divorced yet. The papers have been filed. This Saturday we take an online class about how to handle divorce with children involved. Then we will wait for the judge to grant his petition. He moved out over a month ago. The house is empty. It's full of crap, but feels very empty. I feel very empty.


I'm hoping that once school starts in two weeks, I'll be able to focus on that instead of divorce. I honestly should be freaking out about school and all of the uncertainty, but all I feel is meh about it. I want to talk to him so badly about it, but I can't.

Phoenix1 posted 8/6/2020 00:19 AM

How does it get easier? I know that eventually it will, or at least I hope it does, but how?

It got easier for me once the D was final. Up until that point I was constantly on edge, waiting for something else to hit. After the D it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could relax more.

You do go through the grieving process, grieving the death and loss of the marriage. The process is not linear (hence, the emotional rollercoaster) and it takes time. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts. In addition to time, it's what you do with that time as well.

Feel the feelings, shed the tears, but don't take up residency in those feelings or you will get stuck there. Focus on you. Resurrect old hobbies, learn new ones, exercise, etc. Doing those things help to divert your attention elsewhere, while at the same time doing things that bring you joy.

It does get easier. I promise.

lieshurt posted 8/6/2020 12:32 PM

Agree with Phoenix 100%

HellFire posted 8/6/2020 19:54 PM

It will get better,in time. And with you taking steps to detach,and move forward with YOUR life. You are going to be ok,my friend. You deserve to be happy. You need to know that,and believe that. Yes, you did wrong. So did he. But you have to stop looking back. You don't have a time machine.

Now that you know better, you will do better.

Right now, you need to work on yourself. Be the best you that you can be. The best mom you can be. Allow yourself to fail. And pick yourself back up. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. Learn to be happy with who you are. Learn to love who you are.

And think about changing your username . You are not that person anymore.

Minnesota posted 8/6/2020 22:23 PM

When I was in the abyss, I said yes to everything.

Everything I was invited to.

YEs, I'll meet you for lunch.

Yes, I'll help you move.

Yes, I'll go to the movie.

Yes, I'll go to some Meet UP at a Chinese restaurant where they talk about being friends after 40. (I really did)

Everything.

And if you're not invited to things, then invite people to things. And let them know you're open to doing things.

Look for things that give you life. What do YOU like to do? Got a hobby? Interest you should take a class in? Video you want to make? Blog you've thought about writing? Or just writing in a journal. Recipes to try?

This isn't to try to mask pain. I agree 100% with Phoenix. Feel the feels. Don't try to avoid being sad or angry. Recognize that grief is real. And it's appropriate. But also recognize that it's ok to do things that give you life. You're not trying to avoid pain. You're trying increase life.

Thumos posted 8/7/2020 18:50 PM

"The end of a marriage is truly a death. Times when you feel overwhelmed by grief; when you burst into tears in public; when you feel the emotional emptiness as a sharp physical pain gnawing at your insides like an ulcer."

Maybe I just haven't arrived at this juncture yet. I'm feeling a tad bit guilty for not feeling bad, but I just don't feel bad.I feel good about my decision. Like I said, maybe six mos from now I'll feel differently and of course I haven't actually seen the process through yet.

But I feel very at peace about it.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/7/2020 20:32 PM

Feel the feelings, shed the tears, but don't take up residency in those feelings or you will get stuck there. Focus on you. Resurrect old hobbies, learn new ones, exercise, etc. Doing those things help to divert your attention elsewhere, while at the same time doing things that bring you joy.

I'm trying to do that, not let the depressed feelings and tears take up residency, but it is hard sometimes. Sadly, I never really had hobbies. I try to go to yoga when my daughter isn't with me, and then I take her on long walks when she is here and the weather is decent. School just got pushed back two more weeks, so I won't have that to keep me busy fora bit more.


Right now, you need to work on yourself. Be the best you that you can be. The best mom you can be. Allow yourself to fail. And pick yourself back up. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. Learn to be happy with who you are. Learn to love who you are.

Hellfire, I just want to thank you. I am still very much struggling with feeling like a good mom. She keeps saying how she wishes she was with daddy when I don't agree with her on something or give her what she wants. I've talked to her about how she should respect us both the same. She's honest and says she doesn't know why she doesn't respect me the same way as she does her dad. She recognizes that her attitude is much different with me. That's a start I guess.


Minnesota, I think that would be a lot easier if the world wasn't like the way it is right now. A group of us from work did go on a float trip recently, and that was a lot of fun.

Thumos, I would imagine you don't feel that way because you weren't the WS in your marriage like I was. That adds a ton more guilt on my shoulders. Knowing that I caused all of this pain that has affected so many including myself. Maybe it's easier for the WS who chooses to be with the other person, but it's not when you still want to be with your BS and they don't want you back. I'm very glad for you that you feel good about your decision. You sat in limbo for years. You deserve to feel that relief.

apache posted 8/7/2020 23:09 PM

LD,

I refer you to the first and third lines at the end of your posts:

" We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value"
" As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing."

My feelings are if you continue to apply the hard lessons you've learned and dedicate yourself to doing the hard work that needs to be done, you will be a far better you. Once you're a better you, you will be an even better mom and I wouldn't be surprised if when you really round those corners Neanderthal will may take notice as well.

12 months post DDay isn't a terribly long time in terms of the SI world.

Focus on the task in front of you every day and you'll know the destination when you get there.
(I.E. don't try to control the outcome, just your task to get there)

Okokok posted 8/8/2020 08:53 AM

I realize you're coming at D from a different angle than most BSes, so I'm guessing it could be a different process for you.

Still, thinking about how things "got easier" for me in *very* general terms, I'd say the following four things were crucial:

1) I freed myself from some very unhealthy, hurtful, and traumatic things that had been in my life for a very long time.

2) I was able to focus on myself. Not just being good to myself and having a great time, but healing myself. Growing myself. Doubling down on my strengths, working on my weaknesses. Becoming a healthier, better, more self-actualized person and all that.

3) I was able to make every decision. From the mundane (laundry detergent, food in the fridge) to the very important (kid decisions, financial stuff, etc.). Over time, this had an incredible snowball effect of goodness and growth that cannot be properly captured in this comment.

4) It changed my relationships. With everyone, past, present and future. There's a lot to that, but at its core it has to do with how I interact with the world.

~

So, I wonder if any or all of these are things you can apply to your own self/life. Your healing journey will be different than mine was, but you have healing and growth to do nonetheless.

I'm guessing these general concepts will apply very much to you one way or another, and after some time passes, you'll find that your heart is calm, your family is ok, and maybe things aren't so bad after all.

Ichthus posted 8/8/2020 09:36 AM

how old is your daughter? How do you guys handle disagreements? do you spend a lot of time trying to convince her of something?

I've talked to her about how she should respect us both the same.

I am curious how this conversation goes.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/8/2020 09:49 AM

She is 6 going on 16 😵

Disagreements: example- she says the song is really good and her favorite. she asks me if I like it. I say that I didn't really like it or it's not a favorite of mine. She will get upset that I don't agree with her. She will tell me that I'm wrong. I will then again explain to her that people are allowed to have their opinions even if they aren't the same as hers.

The latest conversation about the respect was on Thursday. She curled up immediately and tried to climb onto my lap. I told her that we can't keep doing this. I said that her behavior/attitude towards me hurts. I told her that I know she doesn't act like that with her daddy. She said she knows she doesn't do that with him but doesn't know why she does it with me.

Ichthus posted 8/8/2020 10:10 AM

Man, 6. I think I was really expecting a teen. I am assuming the separation is recent. This is to be expected from a kid who has had their family destroyed.

I dont want to give advice right now, because there are so many different elements in play. If could be one or multiple things of thousands different interactions with the new family dynamic.

How does father handle similar situations?

Ichthus posted 8/8/2020 10:15 AM

Also remember that kids barely know what they are feeling in the moment.

The concept of feelings and how our thoughts and behaviors are associated with those feelings is a lot for a 6 year old.

I have a 9 year old and I am learning that she over reacts to something about every other month. Her thoughts process is like lightning and I have to work with her to slow it down so she can start to understand what is happening instead of her own assumptions. (this is super hard for my 9 year old) a 6 year its even harder.

Does your kid respond to you well after one of your discussions? or are they more annoyed?

thatbpguy posted 8/8/2020 10:17 AM

LifeDestroyer, D is a process. It goes thru it's stages- grief, remorse, indecision, loneliness, anger, lost...

Most of this is unavoidable. My best advice is to have an anchor to rely on. For me it was my daughter. I tried not to pester her, but she was really helpful. Just knowing she was always there. Try and find your anchor that will keep you ballast.

In time, this really does pass. You step out into the world more and more and get more comfortable in your post-divorce skin. Just let the process play out and try and be patient.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/8/2020 10:17 AM

Lol it definitely feels like I have a teenager most days.

She doesn't really fight it when he says no. She'll put up a small struggle, but that's it. When he lived here, she didn't give him an attitude like she does me. I don't think she is now that he has moved out.

I absolutely was the parent who gave in. So since I've been trying to change that, she's not having it.

thatbpguy posted 8/8/2020 10:28 AM

She will get upset that I don't agree with her. She will tell me that I'm wrong. I will then again explain to her that people are allowed to have their opinions even if they aren't the same as hers.

HAHAHAHA!! We have several adult posters here who are the same as your daughter. It's a trait that sometimes stays well into "adulthood".


Ichthus posted 8/8/2020 11:20 AM

I absolutely was the parent who gave in. So since I've been trying to change that, she's not having it.


At least you have good insight. If you stay consistent with your new boundaries, your kid will adapt

Thissucks5678 posted 8/11/2020 22:06 PM

Hey, I have a friend who just got divorced and itís been rough for her and to be honest sheís doing a lot wrong Ion my opinion. My best advice to you (that I wish my friend would follow) is to find a hobby that you enjoy that involves making something or doing something productive. It could be gardening, sewing, knitting, baking, wood making, whatever you can find on Pinterest that makes you think wow, that would be cool if I could do that. Then just go for it. When you donít have your daughter, use your time to take a class or watch YouTube tutorials to research how to do it, buy a few supplies (hopefully itís not too expensive of a hobby) and just go for it.

I donít know, I think a lot of us, BS and WS could use a self esteem boost and learning a craft and being able to actually make something on our own is a really nice boost. It helped me. My WH has done it too since dday and it gives him something to be proud of himself for as well. Just a thought. It can help fill the emptiness you are feeling.

I know this kind of off topic from your initial post. I know divorce is so tough. Once I got through the initial pain of dday, I just kept telling myself, what doesnít kill you makes you stronger. I hope you keep getting stronger. Good luck.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2020 22:36 PM

Thissucks, I'm actually wanting to start painting. I found this certain technique on YouTube and tried my hand it. I am going to make a larger piece to go above my bed. I'm wanting to do more and more of it because it was fun.

I also want to run more. Whenever races actually begin again here, I would really like to try one.

CoderMom posted 8/31/2020 20:45 PM

I found that you have to feel everything, but time helps and so does counseling. You go through a grief process, and there are different stages and you go through all of them, but eventually, you emerge on the other side. I have found that in order to try to have a healthy new relationship, it is important to have worked through all of the baggage from the first painful relationship and divorce.

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