Gottagetthrough posted 8/16/2020 12:24 PM

It bugs me that Wh had these infatuations with other women. Why?

Any one have an idea about what makes these guys throw it all away? Or neglect the great family at home to obsess about Suzy Q at work?

Phoenix1 posted 8/16/2020 13:49 PM

Entitlement? Selfishness? Personality disorder? Combination?

You're back to trying to understand his why's, Gotta, but you will never understand because you are not wired that way. Dwelling on trying to understand his behavior (or any wayward) is only going to keep you spinning in circles, driving yourself nuts in the process.

The better focus is to learn acceptance. Accept what was done, not why it was done. You can't change the past and acceptance allows you to heal and move forward. You can guess why it happens, but you don't dwell on it and just accept it did.

Acceptance will lead to the promised land of indifference.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/16/2020 14:41 PM

How do I get there, Phoenix? IC?

Gottagetthrough posted 8/16/2020 14:43 PM

And yes, I am spinning in circles and driving myself nuts.

I just don’t get it. What am I lacking? What’s wrong with me?

I know the SI answer of, it’s not you, he’s broken.. but damnit, it FEELS like something is wrong with me. That I’m less than the ow.

Phoenix1 posted 8/16/2020 15:51 PM

IC helps some folks. I, personally, never used it. For me it took time and emotional distance. My emotional distancing started with rage. Rage at the audacity he had to treat such a good, loyal, and supportive spouse (me) for decades the way he did. How DARE he!! That lead to emotional detachment. Emotional detachment lead to seeing his actions without a cloud of emotions or rose colored glasses. Emotional detachment lead to acceptance and then indifference. Indifference lead to not giving a rat's ass what he did, does, or might do. It's just who he is and that person doesn't deserve me in his life.

It's not linear (ups and downs) and does take time. No shortcuts.

Find your outrage, Gotta. Believe your own worth and what you brought to the marriage. How dare he treat you that way!!

Empower yourself and take back your control.

As for OW? She's irrelevant and not worth your time or energy, even thoughts. Don't give her free rent space in your brain. YOU are the focus. YOU were the prize in the marriage. YOU deserve better. YOU are strong enough to stand without him. YOU have a bright future filled with peace and happiness just waiting on the other side of the dark clouds. But YOU have to decide you want to walk the path to get there.

Hang in there!

EllieKMAS posted 8/16/2020 15:52 PM

The OW is a moral void gotta, so no WAY are you less than her.

IC helps for sure. But IME you arrive at acceptance the same way you arrive at being 'done'. You get there when you get there. For me, a year since I saw our spoke to him, I'm about 80% of the way to acceptance but I still have days it's a struggle and that's okay. I think the biggest thing for you is not letting these thoughts keep you from moving forward out of the untenable situation in which you've existed for so long. And it would be far too easy to fall back into a relationshit with him to try to 'figure it out'.

Give yourself positive affirmations and work on believing in how valuable YOU are and focus on the wonderful peaceful existence you are moving into free of his bullshit. THAT is what matters, not him.

skeetermooch posted 8/16/2020 16:03 PM

It's the wrong question and we want the answer anyway.

In past break ups, moving forward with my new life, however reluctantly, was the answer. Keep as busy as you can with this damn pandemic. Now that I'm going through it again, it's not much easier. I still get pulled towards the "Why" but I know it's just my brain trying to protect me from future blindsides and it doesn't really help.

DevastatedDee posted 8/16/2020 21:51 PM

Everything Phoenix said. First I was hurt and asking the whys, then I was outraged, now I'm simply appalled that I went through the experience of being married to a person like that. At the end of it, I still have me, and that's a relief.

Lifeexploded posted 8/17/2020 20:53 PM

It's time to stop asking why and get mad.
How DARE he do this?
After all you did for him?
You created a beautiful family (I'm assuming) and home.
How DARE he throw that away for some floozies who don't care about him?
You were DEDICATED and loved him in a way no other woman could.

There is no WHY. Nothing that will make sense to a stand up woman such as yourself, because you have morals. You can't make sense of a behavior that you would never dream of participating in.

The only explanation is that he's a mega JERK. And that's saying it nicely because we are on a forum.

The1stWife posted 8/19/2020 04:18 AM

Why become infatuated with another woman? Hmmmmmm

She doesn’t ask him to pay the bills or for grocery $

She doesn’t ask him to pick up kids for school or sports

She doesn’t ask him to pick up milk Or cheese

She doesn’t ask him to change a diaper

She doesn’t see through his crap and call him out on it

She believes everything he says. She tells him he’s wonderful and deserves better and how amazing she would treat him. Blah blah blah

It’s a fantasy. An escape. The cheaters act like teenagers in love. That’s why.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:19 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

FlipFlopFlamingo posted 8/19/2020 10:01 AM

One thing I finally realized is that the "why" is irrelevant. And the "more than" or "less than" is a false comparison. Clearly, I'm not the best guy in the world. I have value and I'm a good man, but I'm not the tip of the spear in the entire world. Similarly, there are women out there that are and have always been "better" than my wife.

The difference is that I was fully committed to her and our marriage. Not because no one was "better," but because I loved her and had made promises to protect our relationship and our family above all others.

You don't get a pass on infidelity because you find someone "better." The fact that she was even open to the possibility of going outside of our marriage (and ultimately did) completely submarines the entire institution of marriage and family in my eyes.

Once I wrapped my head around and accepted these things, I realized that the "why" doesn't matter. Ultimately, the "why" is an excuse that could never make infidelity the correct path in my eyes.

Good luck along your journey. It will be bumpy, but the more you can hold on to the "big" truths, the more stability you will get.

JanaGreen posted 8/19/2020 10:05 AM

What I always come back to is shallow, rapidly shifting emotions.

Serial cheaters don't FEEL things the way we do. The connection is surface. They lack impulse control. What feels good at the moment? That's what they do.

Watching ex treat his current gf/fiancee exactly the way he treated me is, while depressing, also quite illuminating.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:33 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 8/19/2020 10:16 AM

What I always come back to is shallow, rapidly shifting emotions.

Yes. And acknowledging that also takes the self-blame of "how could I believe that he loved me" off the table too. At any given moment, no doubt they did feel strongly about us. Where they differ is that they could feel that rush and have it shine from their eyes as they gazed upon us, and then it fades and the next shiny object can give them a rush and then later that week they could get a rush from us again. They just aren't that deep. It's like a 2-year-old screaming and crying because the crayon is yellow instead of red and 3 minutes later is laughing and joyful about something else.

JanaGreen posted 8/19/2020 10:37 AM

I do think serial cheaters are way different than someone who had a full-blown affair. My ex didn't have an affair, he just acted out in stupid immature ways with whoever happened to be available and receptive. I call him the overgrown frat boy. I have very little hope for these kind of adult teenagers in terms of actual remorse or change.

crazyblindsided posted 8/19/2020 10:50 AM

I agree that the Why is irrelevant. They had infatuations because they have no boundaries or respect for fidelity. They think what we do not know won't hurt us until it does then they scramble to find ways to get us off their back either through bullying, lying, gaslighting, etc.

It will never make sense. They act impulsively without the thought of consequences.

(((Gottagetthrough))) keep going and try to keep the focus on YOU and what YOU need and want for your life. This is the hardest thing I have been through in my life it's like I'm clawing my way out.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/21/2020 05:24 AM

What I always come back to is shallow, rapidly shifting emotions.
Serial cheaters don't FEEL things the way we do. The connection is surface. They lack impulse control. What feels good at the moment? That's what they do.

This is really interesting. My Wh has both adhd (that impulse control problem) and bipolar (emotional problems)

Ow 1 had a ton of mental health problems so many I don’t even know. She was even taken away by the cops to a mental hospital one night when she came to my house.

Ow2 is not as mentally unstable as ow 1, but she does have mental health issues. My biggest comment about her is that she’s a weak person. Just very emotionally fragile.

I wonder if these mental health issues lead to cheating?

Throwaway999 posted 8/21/2020 06:31 AM

What I always come back to is shallow, rapidly shifting emotions.
Serial cheaters don't FEEL things the way we do. The connection is surface. They lack impulse control. What feels good at the moment? That's what they do.

Well said. I struggle also with the flirting behaviour of my WH...I never knew to what extent he did it for years and years. But after Dday...his emails were proof...his admittance was proof. He kept all of his relationships on the surface level. I will never know the true whys. He kept even his relationships with me and my kids only surface as well. After Dday, he was forced (by me) to look deeper. And neither he or I liked what we found in him...broken with a lot of self hate.

He always chose the quick ego kibbles that flirting and the affair brought him...rather than choosing to face himself and all of the parts he didn’t like about himself. Shallow and selfish.

And sad.

Even after his death, I find myself having to work on emotionally detaching myself from him. I know I have to just accept this all happened...don’t like it...but have to accept it. Otherwise I won’t move on and will drive myself insane. I need my heart to catch up to my head.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/21/2020 15:19 PM

Yes! Surface level relationship... I swear he’s 10x deeper with the ows than me. They know stuff about him that I’m sure i dont