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At a loss

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Breakingapart posted 9/1/2020 11:55 AM

Seems like thereís a new challenge every day!!
How do I respond to the text I got this morning saying that the has given the kids space. Itís been 9 months and arenít they getting any better with this? Should they get councilling?
Iím supposed to address kids and finances right? But anything I say will be misconstrued and he will try to use it against me. I really donít know what to say to him. He truly still doesnít understand their hurt and he has never apologized to them for what he has done.
Please ....I need advice!!!

Breakingapart posted 9/1/2020 12:35 PM

How does this sound?


I have continued to relay your messages to the kids and have not spoken ill of you to them.
They continue to have follow up sessions with their councillor.
It is not my responsibility to fix your relationship with them.
No, they are not ďbetterĒ

I really donít know. I want to tell him that he needs to see a councillor. That the kids are still devastated by what he has done and that having her there all of the time only reinforces their anger and awareness of his betrayal. Ofcourse he thinks he has done nothing wrong. We should all be over it. This is the one piece of his master plan that is not working out there way he wanted.....guess that pisses him off!

josiep posted 9/3/2020 02:28 AM

Your message sounds perfect. But thatís because Iím a rational and decent person. Iím not sure heíll take it the way you intend it.

And you're right, he does need to see a counselor. How about you say what you said but add in that HE might want to get counseling so he can begin to understand the level and depth of pain and trauma he has caused his children with the betrayal and abandonment..

[This message edited by josiep at 9:19 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

josiep posted 9/3/2020 09:18 AM

I was thinking about this and my heart goes out to you because he's being especially cruel and heartless so not only are you having to deal with your own pain but that of your children at the same time.

Did you respond to him?

Because the more I think about it, the less I can think of any reason for you to respond to him. His message is preposterous and ridiculous and there is no answer to it. Well, there is one but it would fall on deaf ears and drag you into a mess; you know, something along the lines of them not needing space but needing their father to be their father and how the hell can he not understand that and how can he believe for one second that any kid can possibly process what goes on in a parent's mind that would possibly make them believe it's all right to leave their children???

I see that you kids have been in counseling. Do you think their counselor might be willing to give you a response that you can send him if you feel you must respond?

I wish I had more strength to share but I will share this with you: Believe in yourself no matter how much of an idiot he becomes. Believe in logic and decency and goodness and what you believe to be right. And just let him do whatever it is he's going to do because you can't change him or stop him anyway.

I'm not familiar with how divorce laws work in Canada but I'm wondering if there's a support group that could help you to navigate the legal end of things? The sooner you can get that all behind you, I think you'll feel more in charge of your life. I mean, you ARE in charge of your life but actually feeling that on a deeper level might be helpful.

I'm sorry you married a broken person. Don't let it change you or break you. I was 67 and held on far too long and it did change me and broken parts of me. It's a hard slog to get back to life and I wish more than anything I'd gotten it over with 10 or 20 (or 45!) years earlier.

[This message edited by josiep at 9:20 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

Breakingapart posted 9/3/2020 17:30 PM

Thank you Josiep.
I did text him back I just didnít include the ďitís not my job to fix ď sentence...
I just feel so tired of it all. Tip toeing around, not saying what I really want to. I feel like we are all just letting him do whatever the fuck he wants.
Iím emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
He responded by saying he didnít know they were still in counselling, that he didnít ask if they were better he asked if they were better with the situation....and that he isnít sure why I mentioned that I donít speak badly of him. Bullshit!!!!

I did not respond after that. Simply not worth it.

josiep posted 9/5/2020 11:50 AM

You've done all you can do.

Have you read about the 180 and tried to implement it for yourself? It'll really help you detach from him emotionally and that will be a huge burden lifted from you.

You might not recognize it but when you said how you have to tip toe around his feelings, that shows your emotions are still affected by what he says and does and that you live in a state of constant hyper-vigilance to try to keep the balance. In the end, it will destroy you, your confidence, your emotional health and maybe even your physical health. From what you've written, I don't think he's worth it. Doing the 180 will help so much with all of that. His feelings should no longer matter to you. Living an authentic, healthy and "right" life is all that should matter to you now. The 180 will help you achieve that.And you have 70,000+ friends here at S.I. who will be by your side the whole time.

Go for it.

CallingSpades posted 9/6/2020 21:24 PM

Here (my state in the US) you definitely don't need a lawyer's help to get child and spousal support pendedte lite. It's a simple visit to the courthouse, then an appointment in the office for both of you. Document both your incomes and all your big expenses - house, childcare, insurance - and go file a complaint! Document that you have 100% physical custody. Check if there's a way to back-date the order to the date of separation.

If your kids need counseling, get it immediately and tell the therapist that WH's actions are causing the children hardship and you want to help them in any way you can. I'm not an expert but I can't see how the courts would NOT look at this as a positive step you're taking to support your children. If he doesn't want them in counseling, get it in writing (email, text, anything) that he doesn't want to support his children's emotional well-being. What a total jerk.

I did not respond after that. Simply not worth it.

Great answer IMHO. He's proven to you that he's not going to change his mind unless there are consequences.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 9:29 PM, September 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Breakingapart posted 9/7/2020 00:27 AM

Thanks for your responses.
I know I shouldnít care what he thinks. I have loved this man since the age of 16. It just doesnít go away that quickly....I hate this new person I see before me. Having a really hard time detaching emotionally. My heart and brain are living very conflicted lives right now....
My lawyer wanted me to agree to send a letter asking for what the law says he should pay in child support and spousal per month. Based on his claimed salary. However....his corporation is still being evaluated and this amount should go up. Whatís sad is that the amount is approximately 1/5th of what he makes per month....itís four kids and myself and we get 1/5th! While he can go out for dinners and drinks, buy OW new shit, buy and furnish a new home etc etc
I told my lawyer not to bother....I will wait for evaluation be completed....I have savings, I will supplement if need be and pray that he will be forced to pay ALOT more and with retro pay!!!
What an ass!

Breakingapart posted 9/8/2020 09:11 AM

Having a rough day. How do you get past the re writing of history....the claims of years of unhappiness? Is it something WH truly believes? Does anyone else believe it?
Iím just sad and so hurt!

Breakingapart posted 9/11/2020 23:39 PM

My therapist has helped me recognize that he is using money to control...also that he is gaslighting. Itís reassuring to hear that his words and actions are not just my perceptions and that Iím not ďcrazyĒ?!?! What Iím struggling with is the fact that we can label these things but really what good does that do? Certainly doesnít help me with the law. Certainly doesnít help with protecting my children.
As I said to my counsellor, Iím feeling defeated....I struggle to keep it together for the kids...I try to do
Fun activities with them, spend lots of family
Time together ( no small feat with 2 teens in the house), I have 2/4 doing online learning, a house and yard to care for, meals, laundry etc etc etc....
I truly hate him for doing this to us.
Guess I needed to vent a little....I should try to sleep now...another challenge
Tomorrow when he comes to pick up
My 8 yr old for another fun filled day with dad.... 🤮

Breakingapart posted 10/14/2020 22:31 PM

I donít feel like Iím doing any better. I want to forget him. I want to hate him. In many ways I do. My brain tells me I could never forgive this piece of shit but I am still in disbelief that he has done this...that he continues to hurt the kids and I without a shred of remorse or regret. Why isnít he begging to see his kids, why isnít he apologizing, why is he out having fun, taking trips, etc etc....
I donít know that my heart will ever heal. I am feeling so alone, scared of the future and just so incredibly sad...will these tears ever stop?

The1stWife posted 10/15/2020 04:50 AM

Iím sorry for your situation.

Google affair fog. It will help you tremendously. It will explain his mindset right now.

Breakingapart posted 10/15/2020 06:45 AM

I have read about affair fog, I just donít know how long I can deal with him being in it! Itís especially difficult when they are in this mindset to know this is where he is coming from when speaking to his lawyer and prepping separation details.
I still feel like this is a movie Iím in and not reality...it just canít be!?!

Breakingapart posted 10/17/2020 21:48 PM

Well financial analysis is finally complete and lawyers are reviewing. He is obviously panicked at the idea that he has to pay child and spousal support almost double of what he has been providing. He has just asked to have my 8 yr old for 2 dinners this week and his usual one night weekend sleepover. Until now, visits have been one dinner and one night sleepover. That is, when he is not busy with his social life....trips etc....My gut tells me he is asking for more time to prove he wants to spend time with the kids. Sad for him but only 1 out of 4 will see him at all....is this his sick way of trying to lessen his payments? I hate letting my 8 yer old go there when she has now moved in. He didnít even discuss my kids meeting the OW. He decided it was okay. Makes me sick to my stomach. But...despite my hate for it, despite that sick feeling in my stomach I allow my little guy to see his dad when he wants to.
I hate this so much! Iím sick of being upset, tired, nauseous...I hate him for doing this to us

Thanks for letting me vent. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

homewrecked2011 posted 10/17/2020 23:29 PM

Keep a secret log of when he gets the children.
Xwh bragged that he got them all the time. We presented 2 months of days and he got them like 8 times total.

I have been where you are...,I stumbled upon a book called
ďLove Must Be ToughĒ, and thank goodness!!! Itís a quick, easy readó and the words on the pages are broken up and spaced apart-very helpful when itís impossible to focus.

By chapter 2 I knew what to do. The author is a Christian counselor and he says the worst thing to do is to try and nice them back. He says in all his years of Counseling the people who refuse to play the game of engaging with the wayward, who stands up and says ďNo more crossing the line of Respect with meĒ thru words or actions, has the biggest impact on the cheater. If nothing else it gives us a chance to regroup.

My spouse said he was thinking of coming back home after I read the book. I was suddenly so strong, I said, not until you get some serious mental help and then Iím not promising you anything. I knew the kids and I couldnít take another affair,., then I realized heís so f****d up, he doesnt know he needs help. That scared me.

The book also says our spouses are on a drug-like intoxication with the high of the affair. So itís best to use the same tools that we use with drug addictsó hit them with financial reality, a calm demeanor, a lot of pride in ourselves, donít engage/argue with them. I felt like xh would call me to fight, to take the pressure off him. I stopped taking to him, bc I wanted him to fight with OW!

Anyway, I think you can download the book or get it from the library.

Keep posting here. We get it.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/17/2020 23:33 PM

Isnít he using marital assets on another woman? You can subpoena his cc and bank statements. That would be nice to recover that $$.

BTW, my xh married OW. The kids say they fight all the time. One day he was yelling at xh, hitting him, and locked him out of his house.

Breakingapart posted 10/18/2020 04:51 AM

Thank you. I will look into that book. It is scary when they think they are fine and itís everyone else that has issues! I am keeping records. Itís sad he considers it a victory to be seeing and speaking to only one of the kids.

Breakingapart posted 11/5/2020 22:01 PM

Welll despite already taking a trip to a Covid hotspot he is at it again. Another trip coming this weekend. Yes...during a pandemic!!!! He didnít say where ( but I know) just told my 8 yr old he wonít see him play hockey for the next two weekends or see him next week at all. Yet...he texted that he wants access to all the kids for many hours and wants overnights very shortly. He ďmisses them ď and thinks if they spend time with him they will realize they miss him too.
Of course they miss him...idiot! But they are pissed off and he has done NOTHING to help rebuild their relationship. He wonít take any blame , has no remorse or regret for his actions and simply cannot understand why they are still upset! He does not see the hurt he has caused the family. He thinks everyone should be happy that he is happy.
I donít know if he is pushing seeing the kids because he is pissed about the financials....I donít know!
They have NO interest in speaking to him, let alone see him!

Do I ask where heís going? Do I ask if he will get tested when he gets home or will self quarantine?
Iíve asked the kids counsellor if she is able to write a letter stating how mature and intelligent these kids are. That they have set boundaries they are content with. I hope she can and I hope it helps...I do not want to force my kids to see him.

Iím overwhelmed and exasperated with this childish , selfish person. His last text to the eldest two ( after he told them he was exposed to Covid at work) was ďIím still fine, thanks for askingĒ
SERIOUSLY! What a childish, attention seeking ass!!!!
They didnít respond. They are more mature than he is!

Guess I needed to vent a little tonight. I feel like each day I am faced with yet another comment, or action that blows my mind.

I feel like Iíve cried everyday for the past year...Iím sick of sadness. Iím sick of anger. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I feel alone. I know Iím not, I have my kids, my family, his family, my friends....but I still feel alone. Iím tired...

Breakingapart posted 11/8/2020 07:01 AM

Si he has been asking to FaceTime the kids. Older kids are a resounding no! 8 yr old also says no however he wonít accept that. On 2 occasions now he has said that he is not asking he is telling and wants me to force little guy on the phone. Last night we also had the pleasure of all hear OW saying ę†hi ....†Ľ
They spoke for 1 minute, and she had to chime in?

I sent a text saying that I was done being bullied and forcing my kid to call when he had clearly said no. I told him he can FaceTime between 5 and 8 pm and my little guy can choose to answer or not.

He replied with ...NO, an 8 yr old shouldnít have a choice to speak to his parents and I donít give him a choice when he is here with me.

I havenít responded. Iím too pissed off!
I just donít know how to deal with him. He is a complete stranger and I feel like his every word and move is deliberately trying to hurt me more and more....
What was the point of the one minute call? Why did she feel it necessary to chime in? Weíre they half drunk again? Probably.
And he is on vacation where we took our first vacation!
Yes on vacation during COVID!
Our trip was low cost, long road trip camping. Theirs includes flights and luxury hotels and rental cars. But, same location. Why?!?!

I am so sick of the hurt and the disappointment in his behaviour!

Please send me strength, words of hope and encouragement. Iím once again at a loss...

HellFire posted 11/8/2020 08:56 AM

He is such a POS!

OK. Every time you speak to him, he makes you mad,or hurts you. Stop speaking to him. Email communication only.

It doesn't matter what he demands of the children. It doesn't matter what he says. Listen to your kids. Respect ther feelings. As long as they are speaking to a therapist who can back you up, that it was the kids choice not to speak to him, due to his actions, you will be ok in court.

Fuck him.

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