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At a loss

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Breakingapart posted 11/8/2020 12:15 PM

Thanks Hellfire. Communication is by text or through lawyers only. Itís just impossible to be rational with an irrational person. Especially bothersome when you are dealing with the most important decisions that will impact mine and the kids lives forever at a time when he is deep in a fog.... he has lost his friends, he has lost his parents and siblings, and he is so close to losing his kids. I feel sorry for him. Sadly, he is so stubborn that he will never admit he was at fault. He will never admit his mistakes...and we will all pay for it. I feel nauseous on a daily basis.

Today Iím cleaning our yard, putting away summer furniture, on load 4 of laundry, hemmed pants, vacuumed, dishes etc etc and he is sitting in a bar somewhere or hiking or shopping or having sex with her without a care in the world.
I am tired. I feel drained. How can this be fair? How can he do any of this and still be capable of looking himself in the mirror..

.

Breakingapart posted 11/8/2020 20:17 PM

I wrote last night that I will not be bullied and will not force my kids to FaceTime him. I gave him a 3 hour window to FaceTime. Tonight he texted asking if the kids could FaceTime 10 minutes before the window I gave him. I did not respond and he did not try to FaceTime. He is so stubborn! I donít think Iím at fault here...he chose not to call. This is infuriating!

CallingSpades posted 11/8/2020 20:26 PM

...and he's going to blame you for his not calling, because you didn't respond to his text. You've seen this show before and you know it's BS. You know what's going to happen and you can be ready for it. Next!

It ISN'T fair. You're right. But you know he's having fun today and losing for a lifetime. You are so mighty. Who cares what he's doing. What YOU are doing is amazing. And your children love you for what you do and who you are.

Breakingapart posted 11/8/2020 20:56 PM

Thank you callingspades. Your words are exactly what I was thinking. Thing is...when the blame comes do i say anything? Do I repeat that he can call between 5 and 8? Or do I say nothing?

I know He is losing for life...doesnít change the hurt I feel right now! I feel broken and Iíve put on bandaids to keep going and be there for my kids...those same bandaids have been on for almost a year and they are very frayed.....

Bleu posted 11/8/2020 21:42 PM

Breakingapart,

I know the feeling of getting a text and feeling like you must respond. He already has all the information. Nothing you add will benefit you or your children.

Are you seeing a therapist? Having a place to vent, be validated and have empathy may be really helpful and restorative.

I donít know if he is pushing seeing the kids because he is pissed about the financials....I donít know!

He is pushing seeing the kids with the hope that he can pay less in child support.

Getting some emotional distance in therapy will give you some clarity. Once you have that clarity, you may begin to move through your grieving process and forward your new life.

I'm wishing the best for you and our children . . .

Breakingapart posted 11/9/2020 08:20 AM

Yes I am in counseling but it has slowed down as she was on maternity leave and is finally back but limited days and times and COVID....
Seeing the kids for a few hours will not change his support. I will happily decrease support to get full custody. Which Iím sure he knows.
Iím just sick of feeling so disappointed in him.

HellFire posted 11/9/2020 10:23 AM

when the blame comes do i say anything? Do I repeat that he can call between 5 and 8? Or do I say nothing?


Say nothing. Do not engage. He is looking for a fight. And if he can blame you,then its not his fault that his kids want nothing to do with him. You don't need to remind him of anything. He isn't a child. He isn't stupid. He already knows. Do NOT engage.

Breakingapart posted 11/11/2020 21:31 PM

Well...first night after I gave him the time limit to FaceTime he texted 10 minutes before asking if he could speak to the kids. I didnít even open it. I said nothing and he didnít text any further. Nor did he try to FaceTime with them. Second night he FaceTimed. I encouraged my little guy to answer. They spoke for 3 minutes....which also included OW letting her voice be heard as well. My 15 yr old heard her and her face went white! She was as mortified as I was that he had the audacity to let her speak to my son! 3 minutes....what was the point?!? Flo lowing day...no communication attempts at all. Tonight he tried to FaceTime and my little guy declined the call. No comment from WH , no asking about any of the kids.

Iím so sick of all of this!

Breakingapart posted 11/15/2020 11:54 AM

Why is it that everyday poses a new challenge in dealing with this immature stupid person! He asked to see our 8 yr old a day after getting home from vacation (anniversary) trip with her across the country. Yes...during a pandemic! Yes he is in health care!!!!! After my many very controlled texts he finally agreed to wait til the end of the week to see him. Stating it was nice we could have discussions about raising the kids. WTF there was no discussion, it was me stating facts in a nice way. Idiot! Anyway. Looking at calendar I see he is on call the night he wants the sleepover. Therefore, a change he has to go to work. Therefore OW would be babysitting my kid!!!!!!
I texted him this morning and stated rather than the sleepover he could pick him up early in the morning as he has done in the past because of his work schedule. He stated DS would not be alone and asked why I was always looking for something to stop him from seeing DS?! Seriously!? Like his travelling during a pandemic and his work schedule is my fault??????
I wrote that itís unacceptable if he wonít be there.I wrote he is going to spend time with his dad. If he wonít be then I have provided a reasonable solution as he has asked for in the past.
Iím so angry! Iím angry at him for his lack of insight as well as the system for not giving me any rights in terms of who he leaves my kid with or exposes him to. My stomach is churning! I know he is going to fight back and Iím so tired of it!!!!!!
Ahh!!!!
How do you deal with someone so incapable of empathy?
In the past He would be appalled at someone acting this way and treating his family and mother of his children this way!
No one can get through to him. He has lost his relationship with his children, mom and dad, sister, brother, friends.....all for his apparent ę†happiness ę†
I just feel lost....I donít know what to do anymore. I donít know how much more I can handle.

Breakingapart posted 11/18/2020 08:22 AM

Looks like we are drafting the separation agreement. My lawyer thinks this is the best next step. Making it look formal so he doesnít pick it apart or propose something completely off. Also getting a new therapist for the eldest kids that is not also mine so that he canít dismiss her opinion due to her knowledge of the entire situation.
Iím looking for advice on things I need to include in the agreement. I donít want to miss anything. Iím asking her to add support for university, car insurance, orthodontist....
Thank you SI

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 06:38 AM

Waiting for your help...feeling alone this morning . I eagerly opened SI awaiting responses and nothing....
😞

HellFire posted 11/19/2020 08:54 AM

Talk to your attorney about adding a "right of first refusal " in those papers. That will mean, if he has to work,or do anything else that will require the children be left with anyone else, he is required to offer you that time. That way he can't just leave the child with his girlfriend. I think you can also put something in about no overnight guests when he has the child. Meaning no OW.

Again..stop listening to him. Email only. Maybe you can have a friend scan the emails, let you know what is safe to read,and what isn't. You don't need to read anything other than "I will be there at this time, bring him home at this time." You don't need to discuss the children's emotions with him. He doesn't care. He's made that clear. He just wants to weaponize the kids to hurt you.

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 18:28 PM

Thank you Hellfire. I will be asking to add those things!!! I appreciate you taking the time to support me.

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 18:28 PM

Thank you Hellfire. I will be asking to add those things!!! I appreciate you taking the time to support me.

HellFire posted 11/19/2020 19:04 PM

You are being a fantastic parent through all of this. You always put the kids first. You always listen to them,and let them know its ok to feel the way they do. You have been protective,and you have let them know they can always count on you.

Never forget that!

((((Breaking))

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 21:16 PM

It means a lot to hear that. My friends and family (including his family) have also been very supportive. I just donít know how much longer I can keep it up. So, thank you....I am trying my best.

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 21:16 PM

It means a lot to hear that. My friends and family (including his family) have also been very supportive. I just donít know how much longer I can keep it up. So, thank you....I am trying my best.

gmc94 posted 11/19/2020 21:31 PM

Oh BreakingApart, I feel for you.

The right of first refusal is a great idea - hope it's allowed in your country/state.
I didn't see anything on the thread, but have you talked to your attorney about visitation after potential covid exposure?

I know someone whose kids were with XH for the week/weekend.... EXs GF tested positive on Thursday. Ex began to feel bad on Friday. By Sunday he was fully symptomatic and called the mom to get the 2 kids.... only when mom was picking up the kids did dad tell her the GF tested positive. So- now the mom has been exposed as well. One of the kids turned up positive. Mom had to quarantine (ie not go to work) for 2 weeks bc of the exposure.

So- if he wants to take trips, then he gets to take trips. But he doesn't get to see the kids until he's done a 14day quarantine.

Anyhow, just thinking out loud, but given his travel schedule, and the wave we are in right now, I would be super leery of my kid seeing a parent who felt it was OK to travel right now.

Hugs...

Breakingapart posted 11/19/2020 21:45 PM

Legally thereís nothing I can do. There are no rules stating he has to quarantine when travelling between provinces in Canada. 😔
Whatís insane is that he works in health care and doesnít seem to care that he could
Potentially get us all sick. I have maintained a very small bubble and he has been going out and travelling since the beginning. More proof of how he has changed. Yet he has the nerve to say he would never put our children in danger.

At least I got him to agree to wait until the end of the week to see our DS. Itís not 14 days though....so incredibly irresponsible!! Itís obvious by his actions that his concern is himself...

Breakingapart posted 11/21/2020 08:06 AM

How do you prove this is not just between mom and dad. Iíve kept notes and records of everything. Days he didnít call or ask about the kids at all. Texts to kids telling them they are rude for not responding to him. Lovey pictures saved to the family icloud account that I have to protect the kids from. My lawyer says keeping track is pointless...so how do you prove emotional abuse? How do you prove this is a completely different person that should not be ďparentingĒ anyone!!!!

His last letter from his lawyer is asking to do reconciliation therapy with the kids. He hasnít seen them in almost a year. does he really think they are going to want to do therapy with him?!?
Funny that it is now when financial analysis is finally complete that he is asking about the kids.
Iím at a loss again....I want to advocate for my kids but I feel hopeless.

Any suggestions? He keeps texting that he is sure I agree that having him in their lives is important. Honestly....I donít know that. He has become a selfish, self absorbed ass. He is living the life of an immature 20 year old that has zero responsibilities. Going out, taking trips, drinking, etc etc how in any way shape or form is that an example I want for my kids??
He has never apologized for his actions and he continues to state that he hasnít betrayed anyone but me. He truly believes everyone should forget how he did things and just be happy that he is happy....

I hate that itís been almost a year and that Iím still fighting this every fucking day! Iíve been in trauma, high alert, defence for too long. Iíve been hurt and sad for too long. Iíve felt hopeless and just going through life in a daze. Getting chores done, paying bills, caring for the kids, trying to bring bits of happiness to my kids...I just donít know how much longer I can maintain this level of anxiety, hurt, sadness, etc....

Thanks for listening SI.

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