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At a loss

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KatieKat posted 11/21/2020 08:14 AM

Lawyers and counselors ~ heís wrecking you with a thousand tiny cuts. You need your advocates to talk to his attorney. Hang in there. Iím sorry heís a jerk.

The1stWife posted 11/21/2020 12:27 PM

One child is old enough to advocate on their own. Their choice to see or not see their dad. Nothing to do with you.

You can have the lawyers and counselors write letters in support of your kids not being around the OW. Your kids can request that it be written into the visitation schedule too. However it may not hold up.

You can ask for anything in the agreement. Doesnít mean you get it.

Things to consider-

Who and how are medical expenses paid or shared
Who pays for kids activities, events, sports, uniforms etc.
who pays for Tutors if needed
College expenses are not just tuition but books, fees, dorm room and food, lab fees, semester abroad fees, travel or commuting expenses etc.
who pays for computers or cellphone etc.
what happens if child is ill on visitation day?
Do you both attend childís events or is that not an option? If he brings the OW will that upset he children?

Breakingapart posted 11/21/2020 17:36 PM

Thank you! I didnít think about kids being sick, or about events and him potentially bringing her! Once paperwork is done I donít know that I will continue to be able to control myself! Not sure what Iíd do if she dare show up!!! It was bad enough she popped on a FaceTime call to say hi to my little guy...I was mortified! As was my eldest who heard !
Thanks everyone!!

Bleu posted 11/21/2020 19:41 PM

Breakingapart,

(((HUGS))) to you. Autos and insurance may be concerns. In some states, auto insurance increases once you have a child who reaches driving age even if they don't drive.

Breakingapart posted 11/21/2020 21:59 PM

So tonight I have yet another new struggle. WH was away on his ďvacation/anniversary ď last week. Missed 2 weekends with his youngest as well as one weeknight dinner which also usually includes him watching him play hockey. After convincing him the responsible thing to do was to at minimum wait a week to see him after his travels, he is with my 8 yr old today and having a sleepover. My little guy always calls or FaceTimes to say goodnight. He called and he is wearing different clothes. Yes WH and OW have gone out and purchased clothes for him to wear while he is there....he shyly told me a while ago not to pack a toothbrush and then it was pyjamas and now clothes!?! WTF?! Is she playing house? Is he hoping he can prove his house is ready to have the kids more frequently? This is bizarre! I am so scared that he is going to try and get more time with my little guy. This is not someone I want influencing my child. I donít know this person anymore. AND I donít know her!!!!!
I feel sick!!!
I donít know what to think!
Any thoughts? Why is he doing this??????

HellFire posted 11/22/2020 07:52 AM

I've read women posting in this forum,that when they are at dad's he is to provide everything. Including clothing toothbrush,etc.

If you think about it, that's a good thing. That way the clothes you buy never have to enter that woman's home.

And,sweetheart, I forget, are you in IC? As painful as it is,you need to learn to get used to the fact that OW is going to be in their lives. She may go to their games, and school events. She is with their dad,so under normal circumstances, she would go. This isn't normal, but she and your ex feel it is. They feel they are in a legitimate relationship, and will behave as such. Its probably going to be the most difficult part of this shit sandwich to accept.

I would highly doubt he is going to get 50/50 parenting time. If he goes away for work,and you get the right of first refusal, they will be with you more anyway.

At this point, is OW treating your child well? Many don't. Many ate abusive,because they see the child as part of their mother, and treat the kids with disdain. If she is treating him well, that may be the best you can hope for.

I'm sorry. I know my post was painful.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:54 AM, November 22nd (Sunday)]

Breakingapart posted 11/23/2020 18:05 PM

I am Seeing a therapist and she keeps reminding me that Iím doing great...not reacting, thinking clearly. But what advice can you really give someone who has to deal with a selfish , immature, narcissistic stranger?!?
It helps to talk through the idiocracy of his words, but that doesnít stop them....
I want to rip him apart!!!
Yet...I feel like we are all here, complaining, sharing our pain, living with their destruction....and they are of in fíing lala land living their fantasy lives at everyone elseís expense....
As I sit here writing this, my children are in a session with their therapist. All because of him! That enrages me!!!!

BentandBroken posted 11/23/2020 19:58 PM

Breakingapart, you are heard. And I have been there. Strangely enough, not the reason I'm on SI right now. This happened to me with my first xWH, years ago.

Some random thoughts...

It's important to be the "rock" for your children. Stable, consistent, even-tempered, safe. No matter what. It's hard. And completely necessary.

If you are able to be the rock, the kids might go along to get along with the OW, but you will always be their mother and their safe place. Nothing trumps that. NOTHING.

Let them (WH and OW) keep the basics for the children at the other house. Clothes, toiletries, etc. Then you won't have the stench of it to deal with when they come back to you.

Trust in your children. They are in a tough spot. They love their dad, but this new situation is horrible to navigate. They are hurting. You've taught them to be polite, and they really don't want the OW around. But what can they do without being impolite? They know you are hurting. Imagine things from their perspective. Give them permission to navigate as best they can, knowing they love you.

Use the time the children are away to take care of YOU. Sleep. Watch endless Netflix. Exercise. Indulge in a hobby. Connect with friends.

It's so hard. I know first hand. Here are some things I had to let go with my first shitty divorce when my twins were only 4:

OW constantly bought new clothes for my girls. I was so f$^&ing broke, I couldn't compete.

OW took my 4 year old girls to the mall and had their ears pierced. When they came back on Sunday, I gently removed their earrings and calmly said, "Oh, well, your dad and I said you could get your ears pierced when you were 12 and OW probably didn't know about that. It's OK, you aren't in trouble."

OW and xWH often turned up drunk to pick up them up. I called the police once, which I hated to do, but I was worried about them driving drunk with kids in the car.

The kids' IC stressed the importance of maintaining a stable, predictable environment because of the chaos they had to endure with their dad. My girls are 30 now and they can articulate clearly the dysfunction they witnessed with dad and AP, and where their safe place was - with me. But I had to really work at not freaking out that the AP was in the picture.

Trust me, the kids don't want her there any more than you do.

Regarding custody issues...
College fund
Life insurance beneficiaries (you until the kids are of age)
Holidays visitation
Summer visitation (when kids are out of school)
First right of refusal
Adequate notice of right of first refusal
Health insurance
Payment for school clothes, pay to play sports
Pet arrangements (do pets travel with the kids?)
Notice of out of state travel
Who keeps the children's passports? (you, of course)
Notice required for doctor's appointments? Should he have the right to attend if you make the appointment and vice versa?
Piercings and tattoos - who can give consent (from personal experience, sadly)
Cell phones - at what age and who pays
Also echo suggestions around the COVID precautions mentioned previously.

Long post. Sorry. Just some thoughts which I'm hoping you will find helpful. Sending strength!

[This message edited by BentandBroken at 8:01 PM, November 23rd (Monday)]

Breakingapart posted 12/27/2020 22:31 PM

A little update...seems like there is so much but I will try to make it brief.
My lawyer sent the separation agreement beginning of December. No response until the week before Christmas stating that he had hired someone to come and get a new valuation of our home done. Prices have skyrocketed here since Covid. They will certainly crash once things get back to normal. So...it will be an inflated number and will result in my having to pay him more to buy the home. Whatever.

He didnít ask about Christmas until the 19th! Remember he hasnít seen 3 out of 4 kids in a year! He said he would have them on the 26. That I can have them all of the 25th and he can next year. He will not be doing Santa presents or stockings at his house but will next year.
I addressed this year only. I asked my youngest if he would like to go Christmas night and have his sleepover. He replied that he had agreed to Boxing Day with his dad already. Nice.
I repeated to him that he can ask the older kids himself.

He then communicated with the older kids. My 11 yr old replied that he had already told him he was not ready to see him or speak to him. He was very passive aggressive in his email. His texts to the kids also include statements about how he knows they are hurt but arenít they sick of being mad yet?! Really? There is no remorse, no taking the blame for the hurt he caused.My 13 yr old didnít answer ( never does) and my 15 yr old simply replied no thank you.
He asked them to go to his house. He did not provide any alternative options.

So...he picked up my youngest the 26th, dropped him off this morning. He left his presents there. I found it a bit odd...I asked if they were in his bag. He responded with ďwhy would they be?Ē This is NOT how my child speaks to me....I was taken aback but stayed calm and simply responded that I thought he would have liked to show his siblings and play with them with his siblings. Then I said it didnít matter and it was totally fine if he wanted to keep them there.
He picked up and dropped off my youngest and did NOT ask to see or speak to the other kids. He did not bring them their gifts...guess they only get them if they go?!? How fucking childish! What a bully! Whatever...they donít seem too bothered by it.
Anyway...thatís a little update. A small portion of the shot I feel I am working my way through on a daily basis....
I truly donít understand who this person is. How someone can just walk away one day and not look back. He is obviously happy in his new life...and screw whomever doesnít agree with his new choices. He will be a dad when itís convenient for him yet acts pissed when the kids donít say or do what he thinks they should.
Iím so sick of his narcissistic passive aggressive fucker!

Thanks for listening....
Any words of wisdom appreciated!

CometGirl posted 1/4/2021 13:07 PM

Itís completely baffling that heís putting such high expectations on his own children to fix what he broke and not working his butt off to make amends! Itís truly disgusting and all I can think about is that you and the kids deserve so much better than him. His narcissistic behavior is so toxic to your kids. The less contact with him the better. Your kids not having a relationship with their father is heartbreaking, but the bond you and them are building will last a lifetime. This is his loss and one day he will see his selfishness for what it is. And hopefully karma plays itís hand soon on him.

[This message edited by CometGirl at 1:09 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

Breakingapart posted 1/4/2021 20:46 PM

Thank you Cometgirl. It is baffling! I hope Karma comes soon. Iím tired.

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