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How Did You Know?

turningtables114 posted 8/26/2020 12:09 PM

My WS and I are not married. But how did you know you were really done. I still have this little voice inside saying maybe. We have a daughter together and he's the only positive father figure my 9-year-old son has. I'm just wondering how you knew for sure.

crazyblindsided posted 8/26/2020 12:49 PM

It took me a long time to "know" sometimes I feel like it was years taken from me, but I think I needed to go through it to get here.

I knew when the pain of staying was more painful than the pain of leaving. I literally felt like I had to save myself or I would never feel happiness or normalcy again. My mental health was in the barrel and I knew only I could save myself.

messyleslie posted 8/26/2020 13:09 PM

I knew I was done when I realized that even if he became the perfect husband the next day I would never trust him and I would never be able to look at him or feel the way I did about him before.

I also started to realize that ending my marriage was not ending my only chance at growing old with someone and a father figure for kids but instead was giving myself the opportunity to have a truly happy healthy marriage in which I did not constantly fear thay another shoe was going to drop.

nekonamida posted 8/26/2020 14:34 PM

I also started to realize that ending my marriage was not ending my only chance at growing old with someone and a father figure for kids but instead was giving myself the opportunity to have a truly happy healthy marriage in which I did not constantly fear thay another shoe was going to drop.


I didn't get to leave my cheater. He dumped me but I am so glad he did because he paved the way for me to have a real loving, healthy relationship with my now husband.

TT, do you want to be with a cheater? If no, stop listening to that little voice. It's not helping you accomplish your ultimate goal of being in a good relationship and marriage if that is something you want. It's not helping you build a stable environment for a family. It's keeping you stuck in dysfunction because dysfunction is what you know. It's what you've grown comfortable with. But it is far from good for you.

JanaGreen posted 8/26/2020 14:40 PM

When he moved out to "figure out what he wanted" and I realized I wasn't carrying around a crippling weight of anger all the time anymore. He still wasn't sure what he wanted MONTHS later but I was sure 2 weeks after he left that I never wanted to live under the same roof again.

The1stWife posted 8/27/2020 03:56 AM

I see you registered here 8 years ago.

Thatís a long time to be living with those questions. Iím sure itís been a roller coaster over the years. Itís good. Itís bad. It okay. Itís better.

The question comes down to the fact you are not married so you can navigate your relationship without a legal battle. You will get child support. Not sure what else there is to separate but letís say itís not complicated.

You have to ask yourself this question - will I be happier without him as my romantic partner? If heís not measuring up then itís time to move on. Heís just no longer the guy for you.

It happens.

hcsv posted 8/27/2020 11:13 AM

When he said AP was his friend and always would be.

I wasn't going to be the third person in my own marriage of 35 years.

Justsomeguy posted 8/27/2020 11:47 AM

My sister told me that I would just know when I was done. My IC told me that I would get to a point where i would just want the discomfort to stop and make a choice. My friends knew I was done long before I did. Funny how the heart works.

For me, it was a 7 month process that culminated on a solo bike trip for a week. I thought, I journeyed, I journaled, I drank too much (or just enough), but when I returned, I came back a different man. Then I sat down beside my WW and asked her a simple question: what are you doing go help me heal? Her response was, I can't be there for you until you are in a better place because you make me feel too guilty. I think my STBXWW is a new catagory, SCNPD, or Stupid Covert NPD, as she just blurts ot the quiet stuff and gives me a peak inside her noodle when she really shouldn't.

Anyhow, I looked at her and said, You really are never going to change, are you? Then I told her we were done and I filed that week. And it felt fucking great! You see, my STBXWW has always been the type of person who gets others to do for her. She is a taker and a user. She just assumed that it would continue to work on me. It didn't. Good luck to you. I hope you find your path and walk it with passion.

Chaos posted 8/27/2020 12:51 PM

I'm usually not in this forum, but saw the topic and it grabbed me.

Two separate but related things resonate with me - I used them for R but they apply to D also.

* when you know [whatever it is] it will be beyond the shadow of a doubt. You can take all the time you need to figure it out.

* the old Ann Landers classic - "Are you better off with him or without him?"

Within your answers to those things will be your answer. IMHO.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/27/2020 22:11 PM

The switch flipped.

I don't know how it happened or when precisely, but there was a moment when I actually wanted to move away somewhere else - away from him - and was looking forward to it instead of looking at leaving as something I had to do for me for survive. Instead, it was something I wanted to do for me. Before then it was just survival.

StillLivin posted 8/27/2020 23:22 PM

At some point you have to set a line in the sand. My ex had an affair. One of my conditions was NC. He broke NC by email and phone calls when he thought I couldn't possibly find out. That was my line in the sand. I wasn't done with loving him, but if I let him break that condition, he wouldn't abide by the no sex condition either so he basically made my choice for me.
In my mind, I still hoped somehow he'd find a way to make it right, but that was my broken heart talking. My head already knew it was over even if I didn't want it to be.
Line in the sand. Either something is acceptable to you or it isn't. To me ANY contact with an AP was unacceptable.
What is your line in the sand?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:23 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

skeetermooch posted 8/28/2020 10:53 AM

I knew when after a year of the worst trauma I've ever known I was hit with yet another dday - during our lovely false R.

At some point you've got to say, it's enough. How many years do you want to give away to pain?

After all the machinations, and talks and therapy and books it comes back to the basics - people seldom change.

cbgrace1980 posted 9/1/2020 16:46 PM

I knew I was done when I'd exhausted all the healthy resources that I could. Counseling, individual counseling, mediation, divorce. We have a child together but I was much healthier without him that with him, all because of his choices. Hang in there, we are here for you!

Lifeexploded posted 9/1/2020 19:59 PM

I had known for a while but a couple of things clinched it. One, he started talking to women again. But two, our son wanted a new kitty after we had to euthanize his. Ex told me if I gave him a real good tongue kiss he would let us. I did it ... and felt sick to my stomach for the rest of the day. My mouth felt dirty. Everything in my body was screaming that it was not right. Then I KNEW.

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