"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MistletoeEl posted 9/13/2020 11:06 AM

My partner of almost 5 years left me 3 months ago for someone else. I was so in love with him and he was my best friend. I always helped, supported him and was 100% faithful to him. When I first met him, he was very depressed and I helped him get better. We had only just moved into together and got pets together 4 weeks before, so I was pretty blindsided by this whole thing. He acted “off” with me for a few days and was very critical of me and then out of the blue said he didn’t love me anymore and walked out. As soon as he left I confronted him and asked whether he was leaving for her and he promised me he wasn’t. (He’d been raving about her and messaging her, but promised me she was just a “friend”.) But I found out that 3 weeks later they were already together. I worked with them both and was told that everyone at work knew he was having an emotional affair for months. I have now had to leave my job because I can’t bare to see them together. I’m really struggling and am so depressed! I just feel so replaced, used, stupid and worthless. How can I stop comparing myself to her? How can I even begin to get over this? It has knocked my self esteem so much! Why did he move in with me if he was thinking of leaving for her? I sent him a letter to tell him how I was feeling and he got annoyed as “he didn’t care and couldn’t believe I wasnt over it yet.” To hear that absolutely broke my heart. How can he not care about me or what he has done in any way? Why did he lie when I confronted him? It hurts so much that he is happy with her and has no remorse for what he’s done, despite how much I did for him and how long we were together.

[This message edited by MistletoeEl at 11:08 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]

DictumVeritas posted 9/13/2020 11:28 AM

MistletoeEl,

I'm so sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us.

Yes, it is heart-renting to loose someone and even more so when you feel that you were so easily "replaced".

I don't have much advice and far wiser souls would be able to help you much better.

I can only say that I don't think he is and was worthy of your affections and that a person who so easily moves from one relationship to another does not know what love is and will never know what real affection and commitment looks like.

You are better-off without this in your life. I know your heart is broken because you are capable of far deeper emotions than a person who so easily moves on.

This deficiency is his to live with for the rest of his life, you will find a kindred spirit, fall in love and build a life based on real love and commitment.

What you have to do now is to detach.

Complete [N]o [C]ontact. You have already left the place of employment which you considered a toxic environment. Don't have a look at his social media, don't pain shop.

If there is anything in your surroundings that reminds you of him get rid of it. If your house or apartment reminds you, move or at the very least redecorate.

[I]ndividual [C]ouncelling will help you with your pain and trauma.

Don't jump into a next relationship, it really doesn't help you heal from the previous one. Take the time to work on yourself. Keep busy with projects and hobbies. This keeps your mind occupied and some hobbies brings you into contact with a new circle of friends where a next relationship, where the guy will treasure you can form naturally and organically,

Eat right and hydrate, stay away from excessive alcohol consumption. Looking after yourself is now your number one priority.

Good luck to you and Godspeed. Chin-up, you are worth more than this man and more than someone who will have a guy who has no problem overlapping relationships to move along in his sad life.

The1stWife posted 9/13/2020 15:49 PM

I suggest you stop blaming yourself. And you start looking at him for the callous lying cheater he is.

Someone on another thread made a very good point. An affair starts between two people and everything is FANTASTIC!! It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s true love ( ) and all that. There is a connection blah blah blah.

Shine it under a microscope and it’s two broken people with no morals who are lying and cheating to be together. Eventually one of them is going to cheat. It just a matter of when. There is distrust in the relationship b/c those two know what the other is capable of doing.

You are not the one who wasn’t “good enough”. He was the one who wasn’t good enough for you. He’s a coward for not telling you the truth. He’s a coward for Moving in w/ you and then leaving.

Please don’t blame yourself. Blame him. Put that back on him for being the liar and cheater he is.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:50 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

pureheartkit posted 9/14/2020 11:16 AM

This hurts like nothing else.

This is the truth. He is a user. He used you for things he needed until he was done.

You believed his acting.

Not your fault for trusting.

I suffered through my WS EA that eventually became a PA. It was like trying to stop a train. I didn't have the tools I needed. Everything kept getting worse as he lied and gaslighted. It was all made to be my fault. Yours is likewise not right in the head.

I'm glad you got away and can start your healing. Such people will sow destruction wherever they go. Happily, that is not your destiny, to be lied to for years and be sad because you know something is wrong. It hurts so much now but if you grow past it, you can find joy and peace.

What can you do today that will bring you happiness? You need to start there. Your health and your happiness.

He has no excuse.

NONE

Don't waste a second wondering if any of it had to do with you.

Your job is your healing so you can have a good life. Good people are out there so one of the ways to feel renewed is to be part of a group that helps others. It keeps your mind busy and anything you do that is kind and generous leads you to other kind and generous people.

Don't worry about those two fools. You're much better off now.

pureheartkit posted 9/15/2020 16:25 PM

Hi, are you still here?

please take care of yourself while you are having these powerful feelings. You will come through this. It hurts but you will feel better and life can feel more normal. This is grief and abandonment. Very hard to live with so just go one day at a time and dont expect so much of yourself.

NorCalLost posted 9/15/2020 16:57 PM

It hurts so much that he is happy with her and has no remorse for what he’s done, despite how much I did for him and how long we were together.

((((MistletoeEl)))) I am so, so sorry! My ex-husband of six years, who I met back in 1990, left me abruptly as well - over the phone, when I was away for work, trying to make a better life for us.

My ex also told me that he was absolutely NOT leaving me for anyone else, but it turns out that on that very day he had met some random woman at his best bud's place of employment, told her that he was single, and exchanged numbers with her.

I honestly think people who leave this way are not emotionally mature by any stretch and have no concept of what true, lasting love is. They are selfish - they are always looking for the next best thing. And they never find it, because everyone gets boring when life gets real.

I have had two years to analyze and think about everything that happened leading up to my marriage ending, and even though the end was abrupt the red flags I ignored were numerous. He was embarrassed by my weight gain (20 pounds) and wouldn't take me anywhere or allow me to post pics of us together on social media.

He asked a woman to meet him for coffee a day after I left town for work. She declined. I found the texts.

He had a very short temper with me and would blow up over the smallest things.

He wanted me to work and earn, but whined and complained about being "bored and lonely" whenever I wasn't home catering to his every need.

I always knew that he had cheated on his first wife (with prostitutes!), and told myself "How honest of him to share this with me." He said that he cheated due to lack of sex at home.

He also told me that after his divorce, he briefly dated a woman who he "had to slap" when she showed up at his house drunk one night.

Well, once he'd left me, these women came out of the woodwork and were only too happy to share with me the FULL story of how he'd treated them, this man who I thought was the great love of my life. The woman he slapped? Turns out he held a gun to her head, and dragged her out of his carport by her hair when she showed up to confront him for cheating on her! He was in bed with another woman.

The woman who my ex met on the day he dumped me over the phone ended up dating him for about three months. After she dumped him, he began dating a divorced mom who has four kids by three different men, who approached him on social media.

In neither case did he seek these specific women out because they were in any way special or unique. The opportunity was there, his life at home was boring to him, and he truly has no concept of what mature, devoted love is. So he cheated, and left me.

It's sort of what your partner did as well. In no way is that woman from work superior to you. She could have been ANY woman.

I know your pain, and to this day, I still occasionally peek at the social media of my ex's girlfriend. He blocked me once I exposed his cheating, and I haven't heard from him in a year-and-a-half.

All I could do was forge ahead and try to make a life for myself without him. I never returned to our home. I couldn't bear to see his face. I left all my belongings behind and started over with whatever I had in storage. I now live in a tiny house across the country, and though I am lonely for the man I thought he was, I am lucky to be away from the selfish liar he actually was.

I pray that one day you realize you're luckier away from your cheating partner as well.

If he "changes his mind" and wants to come home, remember that it's for selfish reasons and has nothing to do with actual remorse.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 5:00 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

cancuncrushed posted 9/20/2020 23:07 PM

Affair relationships are usually doomed. He will tire of her. And find a new shine toy . He seems to use women often.

Exactly what did he contribute to your relationship? He needed saving. You might self reflect on that. Many users can spot a loving helpful person. This is not your fault.

This is hard. This is painful. Beware if he reappears in your life. He has shown you who he is.

aprilfool1985 posted 9/20/2020 23:30 PM

Susan Anderson’ book _The Journey from Abandonment to Healing_ might prove useful to you.

MistletoeEl posted 9/22/2020 04:34 AM

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to this and shared similar stories and offered such amazing support and advice. It really helps to hear of people going through similar things and surviving them. I am truly grateful and cannot put into words how much it means to find a community of people where I feel safe, listened to and understood. I have taken peoples advice and bought some books/found myself a counsellor. My first appointment is next week and I’m hoping they will really help me work through everything. I am still struggling to cope and have unhealthily obsessive thoughts of them being together and happy. I go over and over everything in my head and I’m still struggling to come to terms with what he did/process everything. It’s killing me to know that he didn’t love me and will never be with me again, despite being such a big part of my life for the last 5 years. I was close to his friends and family and I miss them immensely too. It’s gotten to the point where I feel that I might have to go to the doctors, as I have begun to get suicidal thoughts and urges/fallen into a deep depression. I hate the fact that I still love him and want to be with him, despite what he’s done to me. When things were good between us, it was the best relationship in the world and he could be so caring, funny, generous and affectionate. I miss him so much but I hate what he did to me and how he treated me, as he in the end he was so cold and cruel. It’s all very confusing and I feel so many different things every day. I’m also so scared that I will never find love again, as I am so rarely attracted to people! I want love more than anything in the world and am not looking for anything right now but I feel so hopeless about finding it in the future. I hope that with counselling, books, medical support and by working on my self esteem, I might feel better one day.

Bigger posted 9/22/2020 06:36 AM

Have you shared your experience with someone in real-life?
Do you have a sibling, friend or companion you are close to?

Please – We here on SI can be a great sounding board and give you good advice on how to recover, but a real person with a shoulder to cry on and a firm push to get you out and moving can’t be topped. If you have a friend then maybe ask if they could move in with you for a couple of days or maybe even you move in with them.

By all means get some mild sleeping aids. Go out for LONG 2-3 hour walks. Get physically tired.

What I can share with you is that whatever he shared with you was on his behalf shallow.
If you have two people: one in a relationship the other knowing he’s in a relationship and YET they carry on… well… neither is really well grounded. Whatever happiness they might be sharing now is comparable to two kids that manage to break into a candy-store. They might be euphoric for some short period of time, but once that passes they realize that candy won’t sustain them.

What often happens is that the new love-doves then need a common enemy to unite against. Expect him to be in touch but confrontational. Avoid that. Avoid all contact with him. Start your detaching NOW, only do it with a real friend beside you.

Cooley2here posted 9/22/2020 07:10 AM

Love bombing, devaluing, discarding are signs of a narcissist. They love madly, then move on. They love shiney new things. Their love is no more than a teaspoon full.

Accept that you dodged a bullet. What you got was a paper cut that bled, and is so painful, but it will leave no scars.

Take care of your health. Drink lots of water.

Sceadugenga posted 9/22/2020 07:53 AM

Love bombing, devaluing, discarding are signs of a narcissist.

The abrupt, emotionally cruel ending, plus the triad above and blaming the partner for the demise of the relationship are the hallmarks of narcissistic personalities and how they handle relationships. It's probably going to hurt for a good long while, but ultimately you're better off without such a person in your life. I'm slowly coming out of a similar situation (mine took 10 years to unfold) and it's been a few months without contact - I'm slowly getting out of the initial shock and pain and beginning to see better days.

MistletoeEl posted 9/26/2020 12:32 PM

Yes it was very sudden! There were a few red flags e.g. he was protective of his phone and focused on his appearance and he was very critical of me in the days before he left. (I couldn’t do anything right and he would make negatives comments about me. E.g. he “joked” that I was just his “sex thing.” And said I needed to dye my hair etc...) But on the same day he left he was also buying me gifts, talking about marriage, kids and getting a dog. We had literally got guinea pigs together 3 weeks before he left and had gone shopping for stuff for our flat on that very day! I think the shock has made things so much harder. I don’t really have many people in my life to talk to about this. I have a few friends but all of them are with their childhood sweethearts and have never gone through infidelity or a breakup so don’t really understand. My mum is not in my life as she ran off with a family friend and lives with him. I’ve spoken to my sister and my Dad and they have been very supportive but they do get frustrated, as it is all I talk about and a lot of our conversations go round in circles. I just feel so stuck and lost. All I do is think about the good times we had and I can’t help but want his new relationship to end. (I am completely NC and would never interfere but just want it to end so I know it wasn’t me and so he doesn’t feel he was justified to do what he did.) I have a fear that if they stay together he will feel that hurting me was justified. I know I shouldn’t care and that’s not what I should be focusing on but I don’t know how to stop thinking about it/hoping it will happen.

BoardPearl posted 9/26/2020 15:41 PM

I am so sorry. It is not about you at all. It is all about him. He is 100% responsible for his actions.

Right now he is in the fog. You have to keep your head high and completely remove yourself from him. You can "think" yourself better than them. You are important. You have to practice moving his energy away from you. Still, you have to walk through the pain, but don't let him know about it.

In the future, I can guarantee you will be happy that this man is out of your life. Unless you want to reconcile. I have no advice for that.

StillLivin posted 9/26/2020 18:57 PM

Good riddance. He's trash and so is she, so they deserve each other. Anyine that 7s capable of that kind of mind fuck games is sick inside. You don't see 8t for the blessing it is bow, but at least you aren't like some of us in it for a decade or more and married the narcissists. Work on healing, and don't be so hard on yourself. His cheating and abandonment speak to his sick psyche and has nothing to do with you.

OwningItNow posted 9/27/2020 07:17 AM

Mistletoe, have you done any research into narcissistic personality disorder? Do you see any similarities to your ex's behaviors? As others have said, the quick and cruel discard--buying pets just a few weeks before and then immediately able to cut you out of his life--sounds extremely npd-like compared to other types of cheaters who waffle in their decision or stay in touch and try to stay friends, but idk. Only you can say. Sometimes finding out that your ex's cruelty has a clear explanation at least allows your brain to make some sense, not that a cold, cruel person who can love bomb and then immediately go NC ever really makes any sense. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

MistletoeEl posted 9/27/2020 11:00 AM

I honestly can’t work out if he’s narcissistic or not. He definitely had some narc tendencies and definitely had a mental disorder but I’m not sure what it was 😞 The way he left seems like he was and he openly admitted a few days before he left that he didn’t really have sympathy for other people/understand strong emotions. My sister and Dad always thought he wasn’t genuine and said he had “dead eyes.” I only saw him cry once in 4 years of being together. He also used me and took advantage of my help. But often he could be very happy, generous and thoughtful. He originally said he wanted to stay friends and said he’d meet up with me to answer any questions I had/hugged me and said “you can always have a hug.” But then, a few days later, I posted a bikini picture and he insulted me and my entire family because of it and blocked me on all social media. (Even though we weren’t together at this point and he was with the other girl.) His behaviour was all very confusing and I honestly can’t work out whether he was or not. Everything is just very foggy in my mind and I can’t see him or our relationship clearly if that makes any sense.