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My ex wayward wife --- 16 years after booting her out of my life

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

hikingout posted 9/22/2020 09:21 AM

I am weighing in late on this, it sounds like you have decided against it.

I still will offer my ws perspective. Your ex has not done any work on herself - she hasn't changed at all. She hasn't taken responsibility for her own happiness, and she is looking for the next thing to make her happy. When Golden forgives me I could be happy. This is pure laziness in her own growth and journey. She is putting her healing on you 16 years later. Her being miserable with her current husband has zero to do with you, and everything to do with her. This is not going to make her life any better, in fact my guess is if you did meet with her she would just have to face what you had to say to her and it doesn't sound like she is capable of rising to that occasion.

If I thought it would be helpful for you, I would say still do it. I just can't see how it would be. Her apologies would mean nothing because they are self serving. She can get the healing she needs without you, making you in any way responsible for that moving forward just means she has kept herself stuck. Likely she just doesn't have the resources or the mentality to ever see around that.

thatbpguy posted 9/22/2020 09:27 AM

Considering the facts she left you for one of her AP's, stole all your money (or at least your fair share) leaving you with a young daughter with a heart condition and no money for food (re: not caring if her own daughter lived or died), sent you a letter that was far from what it should have been..... I would not meet with her. The possibility of it becoming over emotional is too great. She lives her life and you live yours. Let it go at that.

sisoon posted 9/22/2020 09:39 AM

Your real W is the best person you know, but she's not omniscient.

I suggest asking her why she thinks you ought to talk with your XW. If the talk had benefits for you, I'd say go, no benefits for you, no.

landclark posted 9/22/2020 09:42 AM

I donít think you owe her closure at all. If you do it, do it because you want to do it. I think too often people think we need to do the ďniceĒ thing (ie talk to your ex), we have to apologize when somebody bumps into us, etc., etc. Iím pretty over that attitude.

Superesse posted 9/22/2020 09:43 AM

I was going to post something similar to what hikingout just wrote: the mentality of some disordered people, like a Narcissist or a Borderline personality, whose concepts of other people operate at a stunted level, where they:
- don't understand other persons much at all
- cannot empathize with others in their lives
- everyone's role is permanently assigned to be a tool for their purpose, chosen on their whim.

Such people rarely grow out of this infantile way of seeing others. And because they do not grow out of it, they cannot do much healing work on themselves. So when things get bad, they just thrash about, grasping at anything they think will scratch their itch, as it were.

If your meeting her could help any of this, that might be one thing, but you already can see how it's just a desperation plea for you to somehow take away her pain, and also possibly an attempt to hook you emotionally. More "using." She sounds very messed up, sorry.

nekonamida posted 9/22/2020 11:30 AM

GR, I think you made a good choice. Nothing good could possibly come from a private in person meeting. If this was really about her apologizing, why would it need to be private and in person? Didn't she already do that with the letter? I'm betting this is a thinly veiled attempt to get you back given everything your DDs have said and her tendency to keep seeing you as a possible plan B hence her anger over finding out that you were dating someone new. If your real wife questions your choice not to go through with it, ask her if she'd still be feeling any sympathy for your XWW if she used this opportunity to ask for a second chance and to get back together.

GoldenR posted 9/22/2020 11:57 AM

Sissoon - my real wife is just simply too nice. She never wants anyone to be hurting, suffering, whatever. She thinks maybe she's for real this time and maybe it'll help her finally start to be a good mother to the girls.

My real wife never knew her biological dad. Her mom left him when she was pregnant with her bc he beat her and put her in the ICU. She would see him come to the house and pick up her older brother and sister, but he refused to take her with him. Then they'd come home with toys and candy, and she would wonder "Why does my dad hate me?".

He passed away 5 years ago and he never reached out to her for his whole life. From what she heard all her life was after he dealt with the assault charges he quit drinking and became a very good man. He was loved by a lot of people by the time he died. She still gets emotional knowing that even then he never wanted to get to know her. I've told her that I think he couldn't deal with the shame of her knowing that he basically tried to kill her when she was en utero.

She thinks if meeting with my XWW will assist in her having a better relationship with our girls (bc both relationships with my 2 girls and her are severely dysfunctional) , then I should take the chance and do it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:09 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

GoldenR posted 9/22/2020 12:00 PM

Hikingout-

What you write lines up pretty much with my thoughts on it.

Won't help me one bit.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:04 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Mrhealed posted 9/22/2020 12:13 PM

Golden R,

I would like to point out a couple of things.

I am assuming too much, so please forgive me if I am wrong.

Your EXWW wrong doings, allowed you to met your current wife. Even if your WW had done the R work, you would still be married to a cheater!!

You said you dont aknowleg her in meetings, well, IMO the gold is indiference and by avoiding her you stil "care" of not being around her. I dont mean that you grow a friend ship, less to forgive her, but try to ťrase her from your Life. The idea is not to ignore her but really dont give a fuck about her.

Last thing, no child is indiferent to his parents pain. May not be intense or traumatic,but IMO your D doesnt like to see her mother cry or suffer.

By no means I am implaying that you should Talk to your exwife, much less un private. I am just saying that maybe there is a bit of work to do to become 100% indiferent to her.

GoldenR posted 9/22/2020 12:18 PM

Ive been over the cheating for a very long time.

What I can't get over is leaving us penniless. The money she took wasn't half hers. It was my money in my account specifically for rent, car payment, all insurances and groceries.

Her paycheck paid the utilities. That's it. The rest of her check was hers to play with.

Mrhealed posted 9/22/2020 12:36 PM

Well,

IMO meeting with her wont solve a thing about the money. No Matter how much she apologise, I dont think there is a thing she can say that Will make you feel better about It.

But the question is, would It make your D or your Wife feel any better? For sure your EXWW is full of shit and will try to justify the unjustifyable. But seems like you dont care what ever she says, so It is not an issue.

You need to find a way to forget the money incidente, not for your EXWw, your D or your Wife, but for you!!!


allusions posted 9/22/2020 12:44 PM

She's already written you a letter and in it she had the opportunity say anything she needed to say to you for closure. You've heard that she hates her life and wishes she were still with you and OM is terrible, etc. It sure sounds like an in-person meeting with you would be an appeal to help her out in some way, like with money, or housing, or a relationship with you. Nope. Don't do it! "It's a trap!"

Freeme posted 9/22/2020 13:01 PM

She sounds like a Narcessest to me... which means the conversation would most likely be..

she had her deliver a hand written letter to me. I know that XWW thinks it was an apology but it was just a bunch of blameshifting, minimizing, and justifying horseshit.

I can't help but think having a conversation similar to the one above would trigger to her behavior in the past. Thus bring that anger and frustration back. Your doing fine. You don't need the drama talking with her brings.

Thumos posted 9/22/2020 15:03 PM

I wouldnít do it.

crazyblindsided posted 9/22/2020 16:29 PM

the mentality of some disordered people, like a Narcissist or a Borderline personality, whose concepts of other people operate at a stunted level, where they:
- don't understand other persons much at all
- cannot empathize with others in their lives
- everyone's role is permanently assigned to be a tool for their purpose, chosen on their whim.
Such people rarely grow out of this infantile way of seeing others. And because they do not grow out of it, they cannot do much healing work on themselves. So when things get bad, they just thrash about, grasping at anything they think will scratch their itch, as it were.

If your meeting her could help any of this, that might be one thing, but you already can see how it's just a desperation plea for you to somehow take away her pain, and also possibly an attempt to hook you emotionally. More "using." She sounds very messed up, sorry.

Agree it sounds like she is personality disordered and cannot figure out how to heal herself or find closure. She probably never will. She should talk to a therapist to figure herself out. I would leave it alone. Not your circus or your monkeys.

Jorge posted 9/22/2020 16:55 PM

I can't find any value in it for you. The only thing I can think of is if you wish to relieve her of any pain and anguish she's carrying, which in turn might relieve some of your own pent up anger.

I see no personal upside, but I do see downside in that if she apologizes and then proceeds to tell you how she was in a bad marriage (subtle blame shifting) then you'll walk away angry that you even granted her the opportunity.

No upside + Good chance of experiencing downside = No Meeting

katmandude54 posted 9/22/2020 17:10 PM

Closure is for peopled who have a heart and soul and real feelings for people. Don't do it. She can pull herself out of her self-imposed lethargy. YOU. ARE NOT. RESPONSIBLE.

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/22/2020 17:24 PM

She 100% doesnít deserve to use you to clear her conscience. That said, if it could help your kids in some way, or make your current spouse happy, itís not a huge thing to go through.

You seem to be a guy of string convictions. She will never convince you that anything she did was honorable. To sit and listen to her probably at this point wonít be very painful. Her life is a shitshow, and yours is good. Tell her that. I always try to look for an upside and downside. The upside isnít that great, again unless itís for others, but the downside is a an hour and the price of a cup of coffee.

If you did meet, I would just make it clear what you think about her and what she did. Pull no punches

HellFire posted 9/22/2020 18:16 PM

Golden, my friend, you know I'm not going to be subtle here.

Fuck that fucking bitch. Fuck her closure. Fuck her apology.

She abandoned you and her kids. Any woman who walks away from her kids deserves zero time from you. She cleaned out the bank account, knowing you had nothing to feed the kids on. That's heinous.

Nope. No meeting. No fucks given.

smolderingdark posted 9/22/2020 18:48 PM

After I kicked her out she cleaned out our checking and savings of everything and wouldn't answer her phone. I had to ask ppl I worked with for food and gas money that first week and for about 6 weeks me and the girls ate hotdogs, sandwiches, ramen and macaroni. It sucked.

You owe your ex wife nothing. Not hello, not a shred of respect and certainly not a minute more of your valuable time. Definitely not in private. I wouldn't trust her. Did your ex wife even consider the hardship she would put on your kids when she took all money? No of course not.

Your real wife is the best person you know. That may be true but she hasn't walked in your shoes. Take a moment to ask your real wife if she were in your shoes would she give closure to your ex wife, she left your daughters penniless and without means to eat when your wayward ex looted all the bank accounts.

Bottom line - Any person seeking closure has to find it within. You will never find closure by searching for it in someone else. Whatever your ex wife wants or hopes to get with this private meeting you can bet 100% that you will not get any benefit out of it.

Past behavior is a predictor for future behavior.

About 2, maybe 3 years ago, she had her deliver a hand written letter to me. I know that XWW thinks it was an apology but it was just a bunch of blameshifting, minimizing, and justifying horseshit.
Expect something similar.

You have nothing to gain by meeting with your ex especially in private. I wouldn't trust her. If she is unhappy with her present situation that is a tough shit. She made her choices and burned her bridges.

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