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Does it Matter if a Woman Makes more Money

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Notthevictem posted 9/29/2020 11:54 AM

From what I've seen and experienced in friends relationships when they dated women that earned more, it was far more common that their partners assumed they would feel emasculated in some way, even though they didn't care.

In my own marriage, there was a brief period of time where my wife was the breadwinner while I went to college. During that time, she tried to use her income near daily to run roughshod over me. I think for her, if I don't earn more she would lose respect and act out in that fashion.

Of course, if she did it nowadays, I'd haul ass.

Chili posted 9/29/2020 12:02 PM

It was a "problem" for assclown. But I think it was assclown's own personal fragile ego problem. He was having some financial struggles with choices he made as his life went along and often made it known how bad he had it, and I didn't. A favorite comparison of his: my life was easy, his wasn't.

He used to make snarky comments about the house I bought long before we were together. I remember he said something like "you have your fancy doll house and I don't have shit." (FTR it's not fancy and it's not a doll house. Just a house I worked two jobs to buy in my 20s.). I made the mistake of bailing him out financially from time to time instead of letting him figure it out. I think he resented it all along which created the dreaded "Mommy" dynamic in his head.

With *him* I think he was initially attracted to my independence (in particular the financial), but it became just another something to use to play the poor pitiful me game.

FannyandCat posted 9/29/2020 13:23 PM


I find it interesting that the women assumed their men would feel emasculated even though the men didn't care. Maybe it comes down to women's thoughts on the male ego versus the actual male ego? Your second comment though is exactly what I've tried to avoid - using my income to "to run roughshod" over a man.

My fear is using money as a means of control or making money an issue in the relationship. While I know money problems are a major factor in relationship problems between couples I don't see income differences as a money problem. Personally (and this is just my personal opinion so I'm sure others may think differently) I feel better keeping accounts separate. You have your money and I have mine - however we decide to pay the bills and have fun is up to us.

Notthevictem posted 9/29/2020 15:30 PM

I think for me, it was a matter of how my opinion was valued. When I was the one with the income, she acted as a partner. When it was her, my opinions weren't even worth considering. Now that it's me again , well my opinion is back to one of a valued partner. I'm talking about things like what kinda couch to get, etc.

For me, I never cared who made more money, but when she devalued my input because of it, it did hurt. And I never forgot about that part of who she is.

The1stWife posted 9/29/2020 19:40 PM

This question seems a bit contrary to your last post in Just Found Out. Iím assuming you are talking about your BF whom you purchased a boat and truck for (with some repayment schedule/plan coming from him).

Your last post indicated that you needed to let him be in charge of the relationship and you should not expect things from him. I believe those were your words. You should accept what he is willing to give you in terms of a relationship.

He seems perfectly happy that you make more $ than him. He appears to be very willing to let you fund his ďtoysĒ and you seem okay with that too. You seemed happy to provide him with a boat that he rarely takes you out in but yet you suspect he takes other women out on. We had pages and pages of support for you in JFO about this seemingly one sided relationship.

Calling it as I see it, the current BF appears to have no problem with it. Only insecure people care who makes more $. And when I met my H I earned more. When we first married I earned more. If he cared we would not be together.

Honestly most men donít need to know how much $ you make. Itís none of their business. Some things (to me) are private. And I learned that people I dated did not need to know my income. This way I knew if they liked me for me. It was never a question in my mind.

Charity411 posted 9/29/2020 20:59 PM

In my experience, instead of worrying about what a man thinks of what I make, I should worry more about what kind of man I want in my life. And how he sees my income is an indicator of that.

There are a few kinds of men in this situation from my experience. There are men who see a woman for who she is. Admire that she's self sufficient. Appreciate an opportunity to be in a partnership with someone like that. They have the self confidence and security to see it as a bonus. Not a blow to their ego.

Then there are men who in fact make more money, and they lord it over the woman in their life. We see it often here on SI. The woman has been pressured to give up her financial future to support his goals, and she does, only to be left for someone more fun once he's reached them. That's the hardest thing to read on this site.

And then there are men, that seek out a woman who makes more. It's always been interesting to me that there is term for that if its a woman. Gold Digger. But there is not a term for it when its a man. They don't want a commitment. They want the lifestyle you offer them without the commitment. They love what you buy them. Of course any expectation on your part is labeled as controlling. How convenient.

Sure, I'm expressing this from my point of view having experienced all the types of men I've mentioned. I by no means have it all covered. But I do know what type of man I'd like to find. The first kind. I'd gladly be sensitive to his feelings without checking my own at the door. And he'd handle that because he wouldn't be on the take. I'd be safe. I'd have no reason to be questioning his motives because they'd be obvious. Commitment wouldn't be considered un unfortunate price to pay for a lavish lifestyle I could provide. I have no desire to be a nurse with a purse. .

Notthevictem posted 9/30/2020 10:33 AM

It's always been interesting to me that there is term for that if its a woman. Gold Digger. But there is not a term for it when its a man.

I can see your point. Unfortunately, my experience is that a man who would seek out a woman for financial gain very likely has many other moral failings that would endear a label much worse than gold digger.

FannyandCat posted 9/30/2020 12:40 PM


We all want the first kind. This struck a chord:

Commitment wouldn't be considered an unfortunate price to pay for a lavish lifestyle I could provide. I have no desire to be a nurse with a purse.

Commitment shouldn't have a price, period. It should just be something someone wants. It's a desire that comes from within and not with a price tag.

And The1stWife - we're selling the boat. It's too big, too much work and he wants something smaller. And he wants me to have the money from the boat sale and finance his own boat if he can. Though he's already been denied a boat loan for 17k and now thinks he can get a personal loan. Not my problem. In many ways I now see that I can do so much better and taking a "let it go" attitude. If he wants to talk to me, great. If he wants to see me, great. I'm no longer making an effort.

The1stWife posted 10/1/2020 07:00 AM

Sounds like a plan. Let him qualify for the next boat on his own.

One less thing you need to worry about.

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 22:17 PM

Maybe in your next relationship you donít discuss your finances or income. Ever.

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