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This is So Long

BellaK posted 9/26/2020 11:35 AM

I just want to say that each time I reach out on here when I am really looking for help and I am in agony I only get 0, 1 or 2 responses. I don't fit in here I guess...So I will go somewhere else to look for help. It says that this is a safe place, but it not a safe place for me. It's a place where I am vulnerable and sad and hope for some help.

Too bad I didn't fit in to which ever little clique that you have to be in to get help here. I hope you don't do this to others.

prissy4lyfe posted 9/26/2020 11:43 AM

What wrong BellaK? Why are you feeling let down? Abandoned?

Oldwounds posted 9/26/2020 12:01 PM

Early on, when I was struggling a LOT, I had a few posts that got no or little attention. Mostly it was because people donít all view or read at the same time.

Weekends are always slower because folks are out doing things.

I donít think anyone gets ignored, I just think some times itís more about availability.

I also donít respond to a post if I donít have some kind of help to offer. For example, I didnít have an SA WS ó so I donít know how to offer an appropriate response. And I donít like doing the Ďhang in thereí when I have no idea if you should or shouldnít hang in there.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:02 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]

nekonamida posted 9/26/2020 12:06 PM

I'm sorry you feel that way, Bella. Did you ever try posting in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of SAs?

apache posted 9/26/2020 12:07 PM

I can't speak to your particular situation, but what I see on the site is there's a lot to be gained by reading other posts and the responses to them.

There many similar situations that have been addressed and the suggestions translate to other people with similar problems.

BetterTimesAhead posted 9/26/2020 12:10 PM

Sorry you are feeling that way. I don't recall seeing any of your posts but I am not on here all day. Don't give up. This is a very supportive community. If I feel I have something helpful to say I will post but sometimes I can't relate to the topic.

That being said, is there anything you need support for now? Maybe a quick recap of your situation and current concerns.

Many hugs to you. I hope you find some answers and peace.

apache posted 9/26/2020 12:10 PM

Have you read on the "I Can Relate" page for partners of sex addicts?

yellowledbetter posted 9/26/2020 12:17 PM

Hi BellaK,
Iím sorry you are struggling. I truly am. I donít recall seeing your posts so I went back and looked them up. I can relate to so much of what you wrote about....those feelings are pure hell. And you absolutely have received a great deal of support from many people on this site. Please donít feel slighted. Stick around and read, comment, post, vent....whatever helps. Often I only have it in me to read others posts to help make sense of my own situation.

Stick around. We are listening 💗

BraveSirRobin posted 9/26/2020 12:38 PM

I understand that you have been suffering and may not be in a place to give help as well as receive it. However, it's also unfair to call SI cliquey and unresponsive when its members have invested a great deal more time in you than you have offered to anyone else. Of your 22 posts and follow-up comments, you only made one on another member's thread. If everyone had that kind of ratio, almost no one would get comments at all.

Public announcements of departure are also a guideline violation.

I hope that this lashing out is just indicative of a tough day.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 3:48 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]

Lalagirl posted 9/26/2020 12:45 PM

Easy, BSR, easy; BellaK is obviously in a lot of pain right now. I would not expect a newbie to offer support - I don't think I started doing so until a year or two into this mess.

I'm sorry you are hurting, BellaK - what's on your mind that has you so angry? And please bear in mind that weekends are slow, so don't let that deter you.

Sending ((((HUGS))))

BoardPearl posted 9/26/2020 14:43 PM

I think the general forum has so many posts, that they get buried quite quickly. Don't leave! I used this site ten years ago and it really helped me.

I come back here every once in a while because I want to help people in the situation I was in before.

Keep reading and learning about infidelity.

Sofarsogood posted 9/26/2020 15:09 PM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way because I am one of the people that responded to one of your posts. I can see his is a rough time time for you but we can only respond with what we've gone through that might relate to the in formation you've posted. They're a lot of people who have experienced a myriad of emotions on this site and all you have to do is address what you are feeling or looking for in a particular post. Please don't give up because all the members here are coming from a lot of experience!

Lostallalone posted 9/26/2020 17:05 PM

I am sorry you feel this way. I am a mad hatter. Never felt like I fit in. I lashed out 18 months ago. I lashed out because I was in such a bad place in my life. Didn't want to hear what was said. I am sure I hurt a few here. I was kicked out. After a yr I asked to be restored because I need a community of like minded people. But its not the same. I've given up on posting my thoughts. So I really understand. I'm sorry but I can't post on JFO. But some of us care. In fact need people who are not in the in crowd here. I don't have an answer. The only time I may post is when I am spiralling and don't care who knows. Plz hang in there

HellFire posted 9/26/2020 17:58 PM

Sweetheart, I just did a quick search through some of your posts. One had 30 replies.

Weekends are slow around here. Your last thread was posted last night at 11, and had a few responses overnight. You decided at 11am to leave us. Give us a chance.

I've read your posts, and I think I've responded.

Stick around. Some posts get more attention than others,but I don't believe it's because they're in the "in crowd." I've been here for years,and I honestly don't think such a thing exists. For some reason new betrayed husbands seem to get the most posts.

You are welcome here. Stay.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:01 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]

LadyG posted 9/26/2020 18:13 PM

This is a Long Process.

If I hadnít found SI, I may be falsely reconciled in a very toxic abusive marriage.

I rarely post when I am having a very bad day. I read a lot. I vent in my own journal.

With Covid pandemic it is extremely difficult to get face to face help.

But SI opened my eyes to the pain of infidelity. I am not alone anymore.

sisoon posted 9/27/2020 10:18 AM


I'm sorry you feel as though you don't fit in, especially because you do. You misunderstand the meaning of the number of posts.

I think one starts a thread basically for one or more of 3 reasons: 1) to express one's thoughts/vent; 2) to get support; 3) to get advice.

I know it may be difficult, but it would help if you tell us what you're looking for when you start a thread. It's really easy to confuse the 3 types of threads.


IMO, sometimes a thread with a few posts can be very powerful. Sometimes someone seems to really nail a subject, and other readers think nothing else need be said.

Sometimes, there's so much pain in a post that readers have nothing to say.


There's no way to dodge the pain. You have to feeli it, which lets it go, or store it, which keeps it in your body, festering, ready to come out in the future at a bad time ... see the ICR thread by BSes who find out about or deal with an A years after the fact.

I know the grief, fear, anger and shame are excruciating, but you can't dodge them. Your best bet is to feel them, because that lets them go - but often help - therapy - is needed to teach you how to let feelings go.

I know the feelings are overwhelming. The one thing that I held onto at the worst moments was/is that I have my feelings; they don't have me.

When you want support, I hope you continue to post. If you tell us you want support, that's what you will get. I can almost guarantee it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:19 AM, September 27th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 9/27/2020 10:41 AM

What can we help you with today? Sending hugs & support 🙏

Justsomeguy posted 9/27/2020 11:29 AM

Hey BellaK. I'm sorry you haven't had a great experience. I've read your posts and feel for you and your situation. I read virtually every post on this site, but only comment on a select few. I think that's partly because I chose D over R. I just dont believe that R is a realistic option for most people. I think some can, but there are too many stories of falsecR, multiple Ddays, and a lifetime of regret by the BS. Dont get me wrong, I would have lived to R. Its definitely a cheaper option.

Because of my bias, I don't chime in on those who might have a shot at R. I'm just not qualified enough in experience and attitude. My comments might salt the well so to speak. The one thing I can add, is that once I started putting myself first, my whole life changed. I was still in the shit, but it didn't have the hold on me it once did. Once I lived for me, rather than for my WW, I gained clarity. Unfortunately, that clarity involved the realization that she just wasn't good enough for me. She failed to measure up and the affair just compounded that. I refused to be shackled to a corpse any longer. It's ironic that she had me convinced that I was the problem.

I'll keep revisiting your thread and holding space with you. Be strong. You CAN do this.

The1stWife posted 9/27/2020 14:20 PM

Hi BellaK.

I just sent back and read some of your posts from July.

In a nutshell he has cheated in the past and you have reconciled. And there was a discussion about him owning guns - am I right?

If you have decided to reconcile with a continual cheater then I suggest your first step is to get some counseling for you. So you can learn how to recognize that his cheating has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Given his history you may be forced to accept he could cheat again. And maybe all your monitoring him is not going to stop him.

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