Thanks for your responses all!
How old is your DS?
He's turning 13 in a little over a week. I tried IC with him also! It was essentially useless. Sigh. He's also in the big brother/big sister program, I thought if he had a big that would help steer him? But nope! When he was in IC, I feel like he just plain ole didn't want to open up emotionally at alllll. He's very closed off. When he does engage everything is a joke? Lately I've tried different methods with him. I used to have in depth talks about how the consequences when he was older would be jail and such but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Staying calm when he's losing his s*** is always good...and I usually go in after he's settled and talk to him.
He's very impulsive and doesn't seem to want to put in any effort to not only think things through, but to even try to problem solve or fix anything. Perhaps its not that he doesn't want to but maybe doesn't know how? I recently read The Explosive Child and it did mention that as an issue. It was very informative, I may re-read a few more items in there and work through them. Some of the things it mentioned I had tried prior to reading the book and they did make a difference. It's just...yeesh! Those days man...when he's lost his poop!
He manipulates and lies and then when faced with consequences there's excuses, and minimizing and blaming. He tries to negotiate and when I hold my ground it's BOOM! The day I posted this it was an explosion about school. We had been back and forth with teachers and his assignments. It's been E X H A U S T I N G! For us as his parents, and I'm sure for his teachers too. We are trying and trying and he's just not caring. He lies to us, to them, and keeps failing. Turning in blank work just so that it shows its "turned in". He told his teacher he didn't have a functional mic and video (not true). We have been chasing our tails trying to stay on top of him and his grades.
I grounded him for the weekend. Took away the precious video game. I had had many conversations in the past with him about school and losing his privileges if he doesn't do well that week. Once I said those words, he exploded. Went to his room screaming, hitting things, crying loudly, the works. It reminds me of a toddler only more concerning bc he's big.
I removed dangerous things, let him calm down and went to talk to him. Once he realized I wouldn't negotiate he went back at it. Screaming, hitting things, throwing himself to the ground, crying excessively (and loudly). I tried talking to him again when he calmed but who really knows if it'll make a difference for future references.
I found the key to preventing the whole explosion was seeing it starting to ramp up and stopping it in it's tracks.
Maybe in the future I could think ahead, realize it's coming before it comes and approach him differently when I remove privileges. Instead of saying, "You're grounded for the weekend because of XYZ." Say, "DS, based on the choices you've made to lie, and how you've handled your school assignments, I'm taking your video games away for the weekend. As a rule, we have discussed that if you do not do well in school you do not get your privileges, and this loss gets added more time when you are dishonest."
I wonder if this approach will settle this particular type of explosion? I could see him thinking this approach means there is room for negotiation though. He will go to his usual....excuses, minimizing, blaming, avoiding, playing the victim...I will hold my ground, and then the explosion may still come. Would I just be prolonging the inevitable? I guess I can try anyway...
I can see how stopping to map things out and realizing it before it comes could help. The book mentioned something like that too.
Just remember you DO NOT Negotiate with terrorists. LOL
LOL YES. I definitely do not give into my guilt anymore. After starting IC and my individual work (after D-day) I noticed a lot of ways I was enabling some of this by giving into guilt!
Parenting...hardest job i'll ever have!
I want to help him be the best version of himself, especially when he's grown and released into the world on his own. The thought makes me so nervous when he goes to these negative copes! I have trust in myself that I can keep at it and potentially reverse them though. *insert strong arm emoji here*
On a positive note! I was recently discussing misogyny with him and he actually showed emotion about it! I mean, you could tell it really hit him! He went to his sister (whom he often picks on) afterward and said: "sister, I'm so sorry for all the times I say mean things, and tell you you're ugly. I don't mean it. You're beautiful, and you're great just the way you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise and if they do, they don't deserve you and you get them out of your life! I won't say mean things to you anymore." *happy tear*