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My Estranged Brother died today

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PricklePatch posted 11/3/2020 23:44 PM

My brother died yesterday am on his birthday. We stopped speaking in the late 1990ís. He was drunk or high calling to cuss me out. I spoke briefly a few times, to let him know important info. His name in a will etc. I for my mental health said if he was drunk or high not to call me. He was cussing me out and threatening me each call. Our younger sister is a 15 years younger. They were never close. It was him and I and then me and her.

I loved my brother deeply, he changed after Vietnam. Now I understand why. Despite being estranged I loved him deeply. When I was very told I was numb, then was distraught.

There is no service. He asked to have his ashes scattered in the pacific.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 11:48 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

maise posted 11/4/2020 00:27 AM

I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your loved ones strength and love.


DragnHeart posted 11/4/2020 04:24 AM

So sorry for your loss.


tushnurse posted 11/4/2020 06:59 AM


I am sorry. Of course we still love family even when they are unhealthy. It's healthy for us to distance ourselves from them, and I think that adds a layer to our grief when we lose them.

Please remember that nothing you did or did not do made him the way he was. He was a broken person, and chose not to get healthy. Hopefully he is now at peace, and his demons are gone now.

((((And Strength)))

little turtle posted 11/4/2020 07:05 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. *hugs*

BraveSirRobin posted 11/4/2020 07:40 AM

I'm sorry, PP. My brother and I went through several years of estrangement. It was hard because I knew it wasn't productive for us to be in contact, but at the same time, he was the only person in the world who shared that specific family history with me. We could have conversations without endless backstory and context.

No one can take your childhood memories away from you. They are just as real, if not more so, than the person who attacked you through the lens of his trauma. I hope your experience of grieving your brother is gentler than it felt to lose him while he was still alive.

WhatsRight posted 11/4/2020 07:44 AM

Iím so very sorry about this.


EvenKeel posted 11/4/2020 08:05 AM

Oh Prickles, I am so sorry!!

What a toughie because I am sure you so hoped he would be to a healthier place at some point.


2ManyMigraines posted 11/4/2020 08:25 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Shockedmom posted 11/4/2020 08:29 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.

Jehuretired posted 11/4/2020 08:37 AM

I'm so sorry, PricklePatch.

Yesterday, was my deceased brother's birthday, too. He's been gone over 15 years. He was an abusive alcoholic. He never called me sober, and I did not answer the phone the last time he called because I just did not want to hear another ugly rant. I felt guilt for years over not taking his last call.

I loved him dearly, and I am certain you loved your brother as well. But the people you and I loved were memories; the abusers were hurting, broken, individuals that were impossible to be around.

I still have my memories of the sweet guy he was when he wasn't a mess. You have sweet memories, too. In time, they will return and overtake the bad ones. This is an awful place for you to be in right now. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. You have my sincere hopes and prayers for peace.

squid posted 11/4/2020 08:46 AM

Very sorry, PricklePatch.

I lost my dad last year. Yesterday, his brother passed away after battling cancer for a long time.


TX1995 posted 11/4/2020 08:52 AM

PricklePatch, I am so sorry for your loss.

wildbananas posted 11/4/2020 08:54 AM

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I too lost an estranged brother years ago to suicide; he was an alcoholic and drug addict as well. After he passed, I found out he also had mental health issues.

I know all the complex feelings this brings up. Feel free to PM if you need an ear.


BearlyBreathing posted 11/4/2020 09:01 AM

Deepest condolences . Iím sure he knew you loved him very much

sisoon posted 11/4/2020 12:49 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

number4 posted 11/4/2020 16:29 PM

So sorry for your loss. But my bet is you had already started to grieve the loss of him in your life before he actually died, if his behavior toward you was so destructive.

I have three brothers. 2 1/2 years ago, I lost the two I was estranged with, eleven days apart from each other. One had a heart attack, and another died from alcoholism. I was not welcome at the heart attack brother's memorial service. His wife was pissed at me (and her two brothers) when we didn't drop everything and come to his bedside when he had his first heart attack two years previous. He was in Dallas, I was in the Midwest, and her brothers were in AZ. So she stopped speaking to us, and we weren't welcome. Fine by me; I would have gone had it not created a problem (her two kids were fine with me coming), but it wasn't so, and I was OK. I did attend the alcoholic brother's funeral (he was widowed and had no children), and there were people there who hadn't been at the first brother's memorial service. But again, I had already had resolution with the second brother's estrangement. Interestingly, the straw that broke the camel's back with the second brother was, he was pissed at me too, because I didn't drop everything and come to the first brother's bedside when he had his first heart attack. Mind you, when I had cancer surgery in 2013, and seven weeks later ended up in the hospital for five nights with sepsis (which has a 30% mortality rate), it was crickets... not a word, phone call, email, etc. from either one of them. So I knew where I stood with them, and had already grieved the loss of the relationship, even as painful as it was to me. All of my brothers were much older than me by 16, 13, and 9 years. So what's left are the bookends (oldest and youngest). It certainly wasn't the way I thought things would happen. But honestly, I don't feel a hole in my life where they once were when I was a kid.

zebra25 posted 11/4/2020 16:58 PM

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


WhatsRight posted 11/4/2020 18:53 PM

PricklePatch... how are you doing today?

PricklePatch posted 11/4/2020 22:52 PM

I am sad. I grieved the loss of contact years ago. My childhood was divided, by me and my brother, then me and my sister. When she was in pre k, he had been drafted was in Vietnam. Hence, me having very different memories of my childhood with both. My brother lived with my grandparents from 13 up. Honestly, the school didnít know what to do with him, he was so far advanced he was bored. He got into trouble, the decision was made, for him to go to a more advanced school, by my grandparents.

They would pick me up on the weekends for camping etc. my sister has no memories of that. I actually talked to two of my cousins last night, they were same age as me. We talked about my brother in a different way then my sister and I did.

On the funerals parlor website, there was a way to buy several trees to be planned in memory. I am doing that, mentioned to my sister, she wanted to have a tree delivered to his son. She never met our nephew, I did. I told her I thought having a nursery deliver a tree with itís ball was whacked. Hey, your Dad died go dig a hole for what you may or may not want.

I wasnít allowed to speak to my nephew, I sided with his wife during court. He beat her when she was pregnant and despite his very high salary, had no electricity in his house and kept it filthy. I did what was right for my nephew.

I did speak to my nephew last night, he didnít understand why he wanted to scattered at a particular beach. I was able to explain the memories from there. He asked me to come when the ashes are scattered. I told him if he had questions about my brother from the 70s and 80s, which he said his Dad wouldnít talk about, that I could and would answer them. He wouldnít talk about the 80s because our Mama and Grandma passed. Then our Granny later, he stopped feeling apart of the extended family. He was still very close to me, but was very arrogant and felt my sister was ignorant and he had nothing in common with her. She married early, so it didnít cause a lot of friction as I was able to travel to see him and we shared an apartment, prior to the cocaine. The cocaine started and I was out. Still close but wouldnít live with him. The abuse started after a older relative died and he had issues with the will. I had no decision making in this and according to the will as written, my brother, myself and sister were not given what money and jewelry wise what we should have been. Instead of blaming the decision makers he got angry at me.

I have guilt I let my Mom down, as I was the one who could have kept him in the family. I know for my sanity I did the right thing. Yesterday, was the period saying no chance of talking to him again. Like others have said, no one that truly shared the majority of my childhood.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot. I was upset with my sister as she has these memories that are stories she heard. I didnít say that to her, she is a very black and white person, no shades of grey. Plus it would be hurtful and it wasnít a contest. Oh, the best part is my daughter wanted to say hello and she was sorry and sad, my sister decided to lecture her and shame her. I had to step into the conversation and tell my sister, we are talking about our brother, not something on social media that has been addressed by her father and I. I wanted to go off on my sister. I held my tongue got my daughter out of the room and redirected.

I know I have FOO issues. I talked to my Dad, after I found out. He said he wasnít sure what to feel. 6 months after I made my boundaries my Dad did the same, after my brother threatened to kill him. I am not sure my sister really understands. My brother didnít want a relationship with her, he did with me and Dad. Very sad. I am sure I said to much. I really appreciate your talking about estranged siblings and death and the condolences.

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