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How do you start over

Gottagetthrough posted 12/10/2020 07:17 AM

Im getting it thru my thick skull that there is 0 chance this marriage will ever make me happy. That wh will ever feel true remorse for his EA and the remorse for his PA is more because he realized what he gave up for a gross affair down.

He slept with other women while we were separated (he was living with OW 1 at the time telling me they were engaged) and he has no remorse for that. Just learned about those women this summer. I have very mixed feeling about the 4 women he was with then, as we were separated, and i myself had joined an online dating service towards the end of that year,. So its not as hurtful as the OW1 or OW2, but its still hurtful.... but then again its awesome to know he and ow1 werent happy at all (hes told me this many times but the admission that he cheated on her is more concrete proof)


Ok. Enough about him. How do i find my goals? For years my goal was HAPPY FAMILY. To get that meant keeping wh happy. That is no longer my goal. How do i switch and abandon THAT goal and create a new one just for me?

(And of course, HAPPY KIDS will always be my main goal, but im pretty good with that )

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:20 AM, December 10th (Thursday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 12/10/2020 08:27 AM

Like you, it took me YEARS to get it through my thick skull. I thought that there must be SOMETHING I could say or do to make him 'choose' me. etc etc blah blah blah......

I eventually came to see that R would never happen. And since I identified so much with my M, where was the 'me'? What are the paths out of the darkness? IS there any path out??

Yes, there are paths, but don't blame yourself for not seeing any just yet. Start small. You don't have to figure out your whole future at once.

For example, start out doing something for yourself. Add just one thing to your routine, just for you. Exercise video. Youtube cooking class. Watch travel videos and learn about a new place or culture that interests you. Do some kind of craftwork. Volunteer for something. Learn a computer program.

Remember who you used to be before WH. Go back to uni/HS/even grade school and thought about what you wanted to be when you grew up.

These are just SUGGESTIONS. Don't find a reason that these particular things won't work for you, it's just brainstorming.

So brainstorm. Don't edit. Take 10 minutes and write down 10 new things that you might try/do. Don't worry if it seems unrealistic. Then do the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. In a week you will have 70 things, then you can start to edit and group similar things relating to the same thing.

Then take some action. On just 1 thing. Incorporate that into your routine. Once you have that going for a while try including a second thing. See what you like.

The most important thing is to look at this as an opportunity for growth and not as a homework assignment to figure out your whole life all at once. More paths will become clear as you start to take action, but thought before action.

Now go take 10 minutes, brainstorm 10 things, and post those. Got it??

((((ggt))))

crazyblindsided posted 12/10/2020 12:30 PM

(((Gottagetthrough))) I love ZenMumWalking's ideas and am going to try them myself. I have added yoga to my life and daily walks to clear my mind. It has really been helping me.

We can do this! Starting over for a better life free of abuse and bad feelings. Our x's were like anchors now it's time to cut the rope.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/10/2020 13:05 PM

Glad to hear it crazyblindsided. Our 'crazy' overlapped as well.

Now I'm waiting on your lists gals........

Gottagetthrough posted 12/10/2020 13:13 PM

. I thought that there must be SOMETHING I could say or do to make him 'choose' me. etc etc blah blah blah......


YES. I keep talking to him about this because, why wouldnt he change his ways if he knows how hurt hes made me? I mean, im great! He doesnt want to lose me! He lives in a house my family owns, i take 100% care of the kids, im low maintenance in that i dont need him around all the time- im cool with him hanging out with friends or what not. I actually encourage that! And i drive to his family’s hiuse and laugh when they are rude to me... he wont find someone like me again.



I eventually came to see that R would never happen. And since I identified so much with my M, where was the 'me'? What are the paths out of the darkness? IS there any path out??

YES. My role for 15 years has been mom. I love it but there is no Gotta, theres only mom.

I think this is why im fighting divorce so hard. I have a GOAL- thats to have this family that i have envisioned . And even though wh isnt helping im still working hard for that goal.

Its like breastfeeding this baby- i had supply issues but instead of formula feeding, i drove to the lactation consultant 2 hrs away (thats 2 hours ONE way), i ate lactation cookies, lactation teas, Accupuncture, pumped with a medical grade pump up to 8x a day.

Im still partially nursing 13 mos later

When i turned in the pump in October, i asked the lactation consultant about stopping pumping (which i pretty much had already) and she mentioned that i took out all the stops and tried everything, and should be proud of how hard i worked- i said I definitely was and know i did everything i could (baby has a toungue tie and i have PCOS so we had multiple issues)

I feel like i am doing the same “throw the kitchen sink” at it for my marriage. I have tried so hard. Unfortunately its just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Wh will never be remorseful. He doesnt get it. This is an ingrained thing, from childhood with a family that says cheating is ok and a mother who coddles him.

No matter how much i wanted to exclusively breastfeed this baby, it wasnt going to happen. I had to suppliment 1/2 and sometimes 3/4 of baby’s food with formula bottles. It took me a while to be ok with that.

No matter how much i want the family i have in my mind, its not going to happen. Im not ok with that yet. But i will be.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:16 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 12/10/2020 13:25 PM

List of goals:

Some are big and some small

1- enjoy some specific burbon that’s hard to find/ expensive
2- helicopter tour of the city im in
3- hot air balloon ride
4- PhD in the same field i have a MA in
5- dissertation that takes me around the country
6- another cross country drive
7- volunteer in a different country (i have the program, its having a baby thats keeping me from doing this)
8- go to a specific museum 4 hours away to see a certain speaker
9- see a specific piece of art
10- learn specific language
11- go to a country for an educational trip (know what i want to do and which country, just dont know how to do this one...,need a study abroad program to go with)
12- travel on the trans Siberian railway

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:27 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/10/2020 14:14 PM

For years my goal was HAPPY FAMILY.
I don't see why this still can't be a standing goal though. Sure, maybe it won't be a mom-dad-2.6 kids-and a dog family, but instead a mom living her best life and kids learning from example how to value themselves and how to be good humans that don't shit on others.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/10/2020 14:24 PM

These sound like GREAT ideas ggt. Keep the list growing each day and you will start to see themes.

Now that you're not bf anymore, maybe it's time to have a few shots of that bourbon!!

Keep up the good work, I am so proud of you!!

OwningItNow posted 12/10/2020 19:44 PM

YES. I keep talking to him about this because, why wouldnt he change his ways if he knows how hurt hes made me? I mean, im great! He doesnt want to lose me! He lives in a house my family owns, i take 100% care of the kids, im low maintenance in that i dont need him around all the time- im cool with him hanging out with friends or what not. I actually encourage that! And i drive to his family’s hiuse and laugh when they are rude to me... he wont find someone like me again.

Yikes.
New goal: I do not allow people to disrespect me, not even to make my husband love me or keep my family together. I absolutely matter. (Unfortunately when people watch us get disrespected by others, they figure they can disrespect us, too. We won't mind.)

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:45 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

countrydirt posted 12/11/2020 09:14 AM

I'm one of those particular people who is motivated by personal goals and keep a list of them in my planner. Well, I haven't looked at that section for a while as I struggled to survive the end of my marriage.

I opened that book this week and really tried to evaluate where I am now. Several big goals were completely crossed off and replaced with new ones. I'll always be a father of 3 grown sons. I'll remain a teacher for several more years, but my focus on social and emotional growth is certainly shifting.

The tough things about setting and achieving goals is that sometimes it takes a lot of thought, soul-searching and then work to keep moving forward - one step and one day at a time.

You've got this sis!

CoderMom posted 12/31/2020 21:03 PM

I had to find some IC help. I still struggle with the betrayal from both horrible marriages, and find things that still trigger things in me. The counselor I have been talking with has helped more than I ever thought possible.

I would love to be able to move on and have a good marriage with the man I was meant to be with, but only time will tell.

I wish you all the best.

ZenMumWalking posted 1/7/2021 07:29 AM

Howya doin' ggt??

The1stWife posted 1/7/2021 12:02 PM

I challenge myself. I went a whole year sugar free (very hard).

I went a whole year not buying anything but necessities (ice cream from the supermarket is a luxury).

Challenge make me push forward.

My friend decided to read the Bible in one year. Cover to cover.

Chaos posted 1/7/2021 12:25 PM

I do this too! Sometimes I have to force myself. Sometimes my goals aren't exciting to others. Sometimes I force myself to do them.

For 2021:

* crochet one of those super fat yarn blankets
* go kayaking
* try one new recipe every other week
* cultivate more time with girlfriends
* dance in the rain
* only buy 1 new makeup item/month
* only buy new sparkly undies to replace an item I get rid of
* win the lottery

OK - some are more attainable than others :)

CaliforniaNative posted 1/7/2021 15:15 PM

How do i switch and abandon THAT goal and create a new one just for me?

In the first two years after separation ... ending in divorce, I did the following -

I became a millionaire without his help - this was all me.
I got a promotion
Finalized a divorce cheaply
I built and furnished a new house
My son is happy and making straight As
I changed careers. This puts me in a position to make even more money in the future
I got in touch with old college friends
Dated dozens of men
Traveled to Europe with my son
Got a new dog (this one doesn’t lie to me 😄
Recover from a serious injury from a bad accident
Made new friends
Discovered who I am and what I want

Anyway - you can reach your goals. Just keep working at it. Anything is possible.


BrokenheartedUK posted 1/7/2021 16:49 PM

Ok. Enough about him. How do i find my goals? For years my goal was HAPPY FAMILY.

You can still have that goal, but I honestly look at my D as a freaking gift to get myself back in that process. I was co-dependent AF and it was all about my Ex--where we lived, who we socialised with, his career ambitions etc.. it was LIBERATING to get myself back in that process. Some of it was slow, like abandoning stupid requests he would make for me around the house, and eventually I built on that to move back to my homeland and now I'm 75% through with my MSW.

Making decisions large and small without someone micromanaging the process has been tremendous. You don't even realise how much of yourself you lose in your M until it's over. Putting yourself at the top of your list will take practice at first, we're not programmed to do so I believe, as mothers, but you will get the hang of it.

Start with small things and I guarantee they will grow like a snowball in the rockies.

travel on the trans Siberian railway

I've actually done this. When I was younger (pre-marriage, pre-children) I traveled around the world several times. I took the train from Beijing to Moscow and on to Warsaw and Berlin. It was incredible. PM me if you want details. Oh and yes, absolutely, I'm putting my travelling shoes back on. My youngest is in her first year of college and I was supposed to be in Africa this year but... sigh.

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