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Starting divorce

DanielJK posted 12/27/2020 19:24 PM

Welp...looks like I am over here now. Filed for divorce.

I'm having a hard time today. Just fought about bill paying.

I have to live with this cheating liar for who knows how long now.

Have any of you had to live with your abuser during the divorce process? How did you handle it?

I just want this to be over and her out of my life. It can't come quick enough, but I'm probably looking at April at best.

leafields posted 12/27/2020 22:34 PM

In house separation (IHS) sucks. Pretend like she's a really bad roommate. No conversation, nothing. Stay in separate rooms, don't do ANYTHING for her. Try to stay as close to NC as you can.

I picked up a second job for awhile to make ends meet. Is there anything you can get out sooner?

crazyblindsided posted 12/28/2020 00:46 AM

Yes did IHS for a year until I left and it was extremely difficult. I would be as NC as you can and separate rooms is a must. Block her on all social media and do not say anything bad about her on social media or anywhere else. Gray rock anytime she seeks a reaction from you. Do not argue with her just walk away or leave and come back. Also recommend the book ďSplitting.Ē

DanielJK posted 12/28/2020 09:42 AM

It is so hard to detach from this woman.

I am having such a hard time. The next n-number of months is going to suck. I have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut, from "please don't do this" to "I can't believe you stabbed your family in the back like this."

Tigersrule77 posted 12/28/2020 11:29 AM

DanielJK, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.

All I can tell you is that the 180 is your best friend. Avoid your STBXWW as much as possible. Communicate only through text. If she enters a room, either leave or ignore her. It won't be easy, but as you continue, it should become easier. I wish I had heard about it earlier, as it would have saved me a lot of grief. I think you would greatly benefit.

blahblahblahe posted 12/28/2020 12:26 PM

It is so hard to detach from this woman.
I am having such a hard time. The next n-number of months is going to suck. I have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut, from "please don't do this" to "I can't believe you stabbed your family in the back like this."


First, you must remember she is not the person whom you recall in your memories, that was a construct of your imagination. She is what you have seen for sometime now, she will hurt you (which she has and continues to do so), she is a threat, you MUST TREAT HER AS SUCH.

She has already "stabbed the family in the back" no need to say "please don't do it" she already has done it.

Now you will need to clean it up, through discipline and there must no longer be emotion in your decisions or actions (it will be used against you), from "i'm sorry i hurt you" all the way to hostile provocations they will be her tools.

Do not expect mercy or quarter in the battle, nor should you give it. This is now the battle for your future and your children as well (remember she chosen to damage them, it was a choice).

Triples posted 12/28/2020 13:02 PM

Dan-Yep, went thru the same thing. It was hard for me too, at first, but it became easier (gray rock, being in different rooms, etc.). It was the right thing to do, however. As she continues to attempt to bury her shame, things will likely intensify (on her end), so the more you are away from her, the safer you will be.

EllieKMAS posted 12/28/2020 13:39 PM

How did she take the filing? And how did the holiday go? Have you spoken with your girls yet?

I lucked out in that I was able to have my exdouche move out 3 days after I decided to separate so I did not have to go through the hell of IHS. I can't imagine how difficult that must be, cus those three days for me were just awful.

I'll second others that avoiding her as much as you can is probably the best move, but also add please get a VAR and keep it on you any time you have interaction with her. Now that the writing is on the wall, you can't predict if she will go full-on crazy. A VAR can protect you in the event she tries to file any false DV reports or goad you into a confrontation.

Have you seen Fight Club? There's one part where Edward Norton's character is doing all manner of mundane things while Tyler and Marla are doing their shenaningans and he says "I am a zen master." Be like that - no matter what she says or does, just be blank on the outside about it. If she says anything to you or whatever, answer "I'm sorry you feel that way." The less you rise to her provocation, the more likely it will be for her to stop trying.

DanielJK posted 12/28/2020 14:16 PM

Hi Ellie,
Thank you for checking in. I am glad you are here.

How did she take the filing? And how did the holiday go? Have you spoken with your girls yet?

She knew the filing was coming, Iíve warned her for a while that it may be coming. I told her on Tuesday night to expect a call on Wednesday. It wasnít much of a surprise. I honestly donít know what she thinks about it. She has shown zero remorse, and just does not show much emotion about it at all.

The holidays were fine. I actually went to the MILs house for xmas eve. I know weird, I served my wife divorce papers then went with her to her motherís house the next day. It was OK, they are good people. Still figuring out how and when to tell my MIL the true story of our divorce.

Then we had a regular xmas at home with the kids. Older daughter got a guitar, younger daughter got a laptop. Not going to be able to afford gifts like that in the future because my wife canít keep her dick in her pants.

The girls have known for a while that divorce is a possibility, but we have not told them about the filing. Weíre going to have to figure that out. Itís going to be tough, not looking forward to it.

I have to be honest. Unfortunately my STBX is a zen master. Hard to be a zen master with a zen master.

Iíll do my best to keep my mouth shut. The emotional roller coaster makes it difficult.
Iíll try to remember ďIím sorry you feel that way.Ē

Thank you everyone else for the feedback.
Lea, crazy, tigers, blahblah, triples Ė Trying to keep my mouth shut, I will keep the ďbad roommateĒ analogy in mind and remember what she did to the family. Grey rock is hard when the emotions are raging.

EllieKMAS posted 12/28/2020 14:25 PM

Not going to be able to afford gifts like that in the future because my wife canít keep her dick in her pants.
It is not funny at all, but I legit lol'd at this one...

I know weird, I served my wife divorce papers then went with her to her motherís house the next day.
Divorce is just fuckin weird period DJK. Do the best you can and make the choices that help YOU for the next while.

Iíll do my best to keep my mouth shut. The emotional roller coaster makes it difficult.
I know that is so much easier said than executed right now. But do try. Engaging in any sort of emotional thing with her now will only keep you sucked into the black void that is her narcissism. Plus, just speaking from experience, I got into some of those emotional convos after the S and wish I hadn't. They didn't change a damn thing and only gave him a closer view of my pain. Your stbxww doesn't deserve that insight into you at this point.

DanielJK posted 12/28/2020 14:37 PM

Ellie, I actually used that line on her yesterday. She did not like it.

I told her that the legal papers state that we can't enter into major financial things without both of us agreeing. "Besides we can't afford anything anymore because you can't keep your dick in your pants."

src9043 posted 12/28/2020 16:00 PM

Sorry for your predicament, but you are doing the right thing. My marriage ended on May 20, many, many years ago. We had to cohabitate for three months while she bought a new place and I was able to refinance and buy her interest out of our house. She basically lived downstairs and I lived upstairs. Literally within a week she met some guy at a bar, followed him across the country to New York for what sounded like a ONS. He kicked her out when he was done. She cried all the way home on the plane back to California. I heard the whole story while at my son's little league baseball game. She sat behind me and told a stranger the entire episode. She didn't give a shit if I heard what happened. She was soon thereafter set up on a blind date with her future husband. They were going together by the time she moved out in August of that year. This is the crap I had to endure. Nevertheless, I kept my distance and licked my wounds. We did get into a couple of shouting matches where I called her a whore. She threw stuff at me in response and tried to hit me in the face. It was a trying time but I knew the end was near so I tried to avoid her at all costs. When she moved out I felt liberated and almost giddy. She still is a witch. My advice is to avoid her and stay somewhere else as much as possible. Good luck to you. Things will get immensely better when the two of you don't need to live under the same roof. Make sure you have agreed to a plan with her to physically separate households ASAP. Can she stay with someone part-time? Can you do the same? Do not let it drag on.

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:05 PM, December 28th (Monday)]

siracha posted 12/28/2020 16:11 PM

Everytime you look at her think of her talk to her you lose . What you have to do is fight for every minute of the day and protect it from her . Find a hobby that takes you outside or at least outside of your own head .
Get some ear phones for the tv computer etc , imagine you are a person in a plane trying to drown out a noisy baby .
Resist the urge to fight even when you are in the right, it just puts her back in control of your mind

DigitalSpyder posted 12/28/2020 18:18 PM

IHS is its own special kind of hell. I'd advise against it if possible. If not, well, you'll find out soon enough.

Do as has been suggested, 180, try not to be in the same space if possible. Be prepared to deal with surprise bullshit of varying degrees.

DanielJK posted 1/18/2021 15:01 PM

DigitalSpyder nailed it

In home separation is a special kind of hell.

I found a check for $7,500 this morning. She took out a loan to pay for her attorney. Of course her loan is my loan as long as we are married.

I fucking lost it today. My daughter just turned 16 and will need a car. That 7,500 could have been used toward a car. My kids suffer because she had to have some mid-life crisis excitement.

I can't take it. I wish this would go faster.

Anyone know if collaborative divorce is any good, or can make things go quicker?

I googled how long does collaborative divorce take and it said 8 - 14 months...I can't go another 8 months like this. No fucking way.

src9043 posted 1/18/2021 16:28 PM

You have to find a way to physically separate from your WW now. If you are going to stay under the same roof, maybe you could find someplace to stay a few nights out of the week. Same with her so that the two of you can stay out of the way of each other. Maybe rent an apartment where you and your WW each separately spend half the time there while the other stays at the house half the time.

EllieKMAS posted 1/18/2021 16:35 PM

Anyone know if collaborative divorce is any good, or can make things go quicker?
I know having kids/shared titles complicates the process, but if you and stbxww can agree on things it should speed it up and also save you a lot of money in the long run.

In my case, we didn't have kids or shared assets but we were able to agree on everything and go and file together and were divorced 91 days after filing. It was astonishingly easy after all was said and done.

Just keep the end goal in mind - getting clear of it. Be willing to let go of the thought of "winning" as far as material stuff goes. your winning is getting that decree signed and being done with this shit.

DanielJK posted 1/18/2021 18:12 PM

Be willing to let go of the thought of "winning"

A friend told me "a successful divorce is where both parties think they got totally fucked."

Marz posted 1/18/2021 18:29 PM

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

Read up and apply. Itís your best path forward. Right now you are keeping yourself in this.

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