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Someday...will I feel better?

Hesaliar posted 1/13/2021 16:46 PM

I stay sad. I look at my WH and I regret our life together. I don't have ANY feelings of admiration or joy when I look at him. He's doing the work. I just don't care. It doesn't matter now. I'm in my 50's. I gave up my job that would've taken care of my retirement in order to move across the country with a liar. I know by law I'd be entitled to enough take care of me but it feels useless. The whole "Devil you know." I pray every night that God will have pity and let me into his glorious presence. Probably good he keeps me here. I still have hatred for AP's and disgust for the man who forced me to share my life with such people. This is my hell on earth. I don't want to go to the real thing. I think his lies are so horrible and have lasted so long there's no way back to actually loving him. This is my life.
I start EMDR tomorrow. Maybe it'll help. Drugs aren't doing it. Talking isn't doing it. Books don't help.
I'm sad my life was never what I thought it was. It was wasted on someone who didn't think about me. This grief feels neverending.

Hesaliar posted 1/13/2021 18:17 PM

I should say he finally did some work. Trickle truth for 2 years isn't doing anything but being an ass. He eventually did IC. Claims he hasn't been a cheater for many years just a liar. Still goes to IC sporadically.
Allegedly, I have all of the truth he remembers. I just had to be the one go back an figure out when exactly he was screwing #5. Well...all of the actual dates of each one really. He couldn't/wouldn't attempt to figure out the real timelines. Just gave me a best as he can remember guess. Wasn't enough for me so I went back to find actual times. #5 he claims to not specifically remember where they were on trips she worked with him or tagged along. I just say, the flight attendant ho he screwed all across the country.
Who knows when #6 really happened. He says not long after #5 ended. Could be a few months. Could be a couple of years since he has no connection to what happened in real life. Who knows when he went all the way to Texas to give #2 some advice about her boyfriend. Hahaha! Rich! He's a pilot so travel to Texas happened several times in the years at Screwair.
Damn! Now I'm mad too!

JanaGreen posted 1/13/2021 19:36 PM

Huge hugs. It does get better.

And it's never too late to start over.

Olgershell70 posted 1/13/2021 20:57 PM

I am so sorry for your pain. How long ago did you find out about all this? Your misery just jumped off the pages at me. I can only hope you are at the beginning of this journey because it will get better. For you as a person. You may never respect or have the feelings for your wh that you once had but you can rebuild yourself and find joy again, you mentioned God so I can encourage you to cast it ( throw it as hard as you can) to Him and let Him help you. Your life is so important and you matter. Remember that, you are a special person who did nothing wrong. And itís not to late for you to start over if you want. Just think of you!!!!!

GTeamReboot posted 1/13/2021 22:02 PM

Iíve done EMDR twice now. Last week and yesterday. I started a thread about it but itís probably on second page or go to my profile and recent posts link. Still deciding if it has helped but she did say the full effect of the internal processing takes a couple weeks. Iíve had a better month overall but we still have work to do.

I donít know your whole story but I hope that treatment helps you!

pureheartkit posted 1/13/2021 22:20 PM

Don't hope for the end. You have many years to go.

Your focus should be on yourself. The brain is amazing and you can train it. Get some positive messages going even if you don't feel like it or think it's dumb or wont work. It does work.

Start with positive affirmations.

Today I'm eating a healthy meal.
Today I'm going for a walk.

Today I'm reading an uplifting book.
Today I'm practicing ukulele.
Today I'm working in my garden.
Today I'm painting my room a color I love.
Today I'm calling a friend.

When the pessimistic thought come show them the way out.

Make a vision board. Places you want to go. Favorite foods and clothes and colors and patterns. Hang it up and look at it several times a day. This is where you are going. It works.

You need to believe that you can make this life something you are excited about not just drag yourself through the day and be glad to fall asleep when it's over.

It will be something worthwhile to you when you decide it's of the utmost importance. Make up your mind that you deserve happiness and peace and health. Take control of your thoughts and get the life that's worth living.

Hesaliar posted 1/13/2021 23:38 PM

Olgershell, I guess you could say I "knew" about one affair back 19 years ago now. I got the ILBINILWY speech. I moved out and took our 2 kids with me. He quickly decided he loved me after all. We rug swept. I didn't know any better and he refused to talk.
After yet another round of depression in 2017, I started IC again. This eventually led back to my unanswered questions. He finally started talking fall of that year. He lied, minimized, and trickle truthed me for over 2 years. I think it's all out now. 6 affairs over at least an 8 year span. Years 2-10 of our now 28 year marriage. #5 was after the "reconciliation" and for the duration of my third pregnancy. #6 was a ONS while #3 was an infant. We went to have 4 kids.
I've stayed due to my youngest having major depression that resulted in a suicide attempt. I just can't move him again. He's a senior in HS this year. The help he gets here is much better than what he would get if I took back across the country.
It's costing me. My heart aches for what my life would look like if I'd stayed gone instead of coming back to him. I wouldn't be hurting like this and I wouldn't have a hurting child. I hate wh somedays for being such a liar.
Jana, thanks for the hugs. Not too many irl know my story. After a while, I just quit talking about it to them. I don't want to feel like a debbie downer all the time. Or have every conversation about his stupidity or mine for still being here. Hugs help.
G-team, I hope you get some relief with EMDR. I did it in January of 2019 and it helped. Unfortunately, mine was followed up with more disclosures.
Pureheart, I know I need to find some positive. I feel everytime I've grasped at it over the last few years I've been kicked in the teeth. Covid isolation being most recent.
My 3rd child is 19. She is a typical teen girl, self-centered, smarter than her parents and a mouth that doesn't know when to close. She lives at home still for school and financial reasons. She's a big stressor for me also. I was not excited about another baby when I learned I was having her. Wh was. She's a physical reminder of his lies. A living reminder of my mistake of coming back to her dad. How awful is that? I feel like such a terrible person for feeling like this!
I haven't made any close friends here. It was difficult before covid with my trust issues. Impossible now.


Kate88 posted 1/14/2021 07:16 AM

I don't have words of great wisdom, but I felt your pain from the page and wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

It is such a hard thing to cope with. I don't think you are old. I think you have a world of possibility ahead of you and you get to choose who you spend it with and what you do with it.

fooled13years posted 1/14/2021 07:48 AM

This eventually led back to my unanswered questions

I wish every WS would read this as it seems that the BS's unanswered questions always come back and cause more damage and problems then if they were answered right out of the gate.

6 affairs over at least an 8 year span. Years 2-10 of our now 28 year marriage. #5 was after the "reconciliation" and for the duration of my third pregnancy. #6 was a ONS while #3 was an infant. We went to have 4 kids

The selfishness and self-entitlement of WSs still angers and amazes me.

My 3rd child is 19. She is a typical teen girl, self-centered, smarter than her parents and a mouth that doesn't know when to close

I once heard a mother say "as a mother I am concerned for my children's health, especially the one who talks back to me and rolls her eyes."

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/14/2021 09:21 AM

How much of this nightmare he caused, do your children know about?

Hesaliar posted 1/14/2021 10:29 AM

I don't think the kids know anything. With the mental health issues of the youngest and coping with a teen girl, we've been able to keep the narrative of working on communication. I have my own depression obviously so we've framed it as family therapy. We all have our own IC. We have been able to keep the arguing down until they are out of the house.
The older ones were too little to remember the separation. They probably felt the tension but guessed it was due to our schedules. WH worked in a family restaurant when this started. Working nights was normal. I was happy when he left the business because I knew it was a problem. He was a military officer and joined the family business despite me telling him i knew it was a bad move for him. When he went back to flying, I was happy he was using his brain again and working toward a career. For him it was the perfect cover for the next group.

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