SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I totally get how you are feeling. I had lots of dealings with her AP including a meeting that she set up so I could give him money for a project he wanted to do.

I get why she found him attractive. He was way younger, and at the time in much better shape than I was. (I have since rectified that). She let him do things to her that she never liked doing with me. Porno type shit. Almost everyday for three weeks until she was busted.

I got the list of excuses. I never liked that kind of sex, he didn't mean anything, I never would have left you for him. I believe the part of not leaving, and maybe that he didn't mean that much too her. The sex part was bullshit. This was not a one off. She went back again and again and basically was his sex slave.

She is a smart woman. Somehow her carnal instincts took over. She tried to offer me the same things but I wanted no part of it. But still I felt inadequate. I got the size thing too in my head. She didn't offer it up, but finally confessed that the size turned her on too.

I never got over it. Our sex life from then on was never the same. I think they just get so turned on by the whole thing that the BS feelings are never in the equation. I feel for you.

Here is some advice/facts from an older (not OLD but older LOL) man who has seen and experienced more in life than the average guy. First, no one can make you feel inadequate without your permission. You are allowing these images and words to get into your head and dominate your thoughts. You are giving them permission to do this. You are better than the POS your wife saw through rose colored glasses. All the things that your WW has said about her AP and his merits is fog talk. I can assure you that you could go out and hookup with some woman who came on to you and she would say the very same things about you if she was ask. There is no way that the POS should make you feel inferior. Everyone has their own set of talents and attributes. Some just show theirs off more than others. I have never allowed anyone to make me fell inadequate or inferior and neither should you. If you have to, then daily remind yourself that you are better than the POS in ever way that really counts. Remind yourself that if your wife doesn't seen your worth then there are many other women that will. I would wager that if you hooked up with the AP's wife her remarks about you would make you sound about a 100 times better than the POS husband. You have everything you need and don't let yourself or anyone else tell you different. I wish you well.

Doing the 'pick me'-dance, co-dependency/savior syndrome, etc., it all signals that the BS puts the WS first and forgets about and undermines him- or herself in favor of someone (WS) who has forfeited the right to be numero uno in the relationship. See the pattern, see what harm was done to you, and detach/180 in or out the relationship, and shit like their stories will bother you less for sure. All the best!

The first thing you need to do is accept the truth. That is the only way you can move on. Don't believe ehat she says, her actions during the A tells you the truth.

You know she is not telling you the truth. You have to face this in order to move past.

Poor WWTL gets even more TT. Sorry to hear.

Rambler, this wasn't TT. Got most out in the first week after DDay.

Lion, I respect your opinion a lot, and what you say in theory is true and we should all strive to live like that. The reality for many of us is that this is a trauma and the fact that another man did things to your wife that only was for you does get into your head

I agree 100% that I am a far better man than him, but that doesn't make the images of what they did any easier to live with.

Thankfully since I am getting divorced and hopefully those images won't haunt me as she won't be my wife anymore. I do strive to what you are advocating.

Remind yourself that if your wife doesn't see your worth then there are many other women that will.

You really need to think about this, Texas. There are plenty of good, honest, trustworthy women out there who would have appreciated you, and who would have paid back your love and hard work for the family with love, devotion, and honesty, not cheating, lies, and deception. You still have a chance to find someone like that, and to stop worrying about what pleases or excites a selfish woman who treated you incredibly badly. You and your life are worth far more than that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:39 AM, August 4th (Friday)]

Hi TH

I feel your pain. Been there.

He was a balding, paunchy Mr Nobody and yet he was able to give her "the most forceful thrusts she has ever experienced in her entire life".

I know that so many BH's here are better men than me and have been able to get over that. I could not.

Fortunately I have not allowed that to destroy my chance of a happy future.

I think that I am already at a place where I am quietly confident in where and who I am and am now happier than I have ever been.

I have one small (well maybe 2) advantage though. I have 2PP that show me in every way possible that I am the greatest man that ever lived. And also, I now know this for myself.

I get this. My WH's AP was into all kinds of very rough sex. Choking, name calling, spanking, etc. My WH says he tried it all but didn't like it, he found out. Well, hooray for him!

But how do you mentally compete with that? With any of this? It's so hard. OW is a cheap slut he found on an online "dating" site, willing and wanting to do all kinds of stuff I never will. I'm just me. I thought I was okay at sex before, at least ok...ok at a minimum! But now, after knowing this? Idk. I just feel very nervous, and embarrassed about my body, even though I know logically mine puts her meth addict looking one to shame. I currently Cannot imagine a time where I will be assertive again.

The fact is, and we all kinda know it, that we are better. We are the hot ones, the sexy ones, the ones that have it all. The AP is just that. And our WS? They know it, too.

....if I could just get logic to conquer emotion, I'd be in a better place! Good luck to you.

I think that's the whole problem, I know I am way better looking and way better of a man then he is. Even his wife has said so. His wife is really great looking as well and has said in the past she would rather having me than him.. lol..That would kick the WS'S in the teeth. But back to the topic.. I think your point is spot on that it is so damn hard getting our brains to understand the logic vs the emotion. We simply cant get ourselves to understand, to see we are the better looking person and better person in every way because of what they did and didn't choose use instead. The whole " How could the chose this lesser person over me?" Its this long bad loop we are in that kills our souls each day and doesn't allow us to see it.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 6:51 AM, August 4th (Friday)]

It is exactly that--a nasty loop. Are you in IC? I am. Sometimes

I loathe going, but it always makes me feel better and gives me perspective. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression myself, and am going to start on some meds for a bit to help me with all these lows, and getting stuck in them. I never thought I'd be the type to need anti depressants, but I also never thought my H would have a dirty LTA. Every day is a battle...good luck with yours today...

Most people, broken or not, see what the want to see in a partner, whether that be a spouse or an AP.

In the fog of the infatuation of excitement, mystery and "getting away with it", all seems like a grand Hollywood romantic fantasy.

It feeds itself, until the hard bright ray of sun shine exposes it all, then sensible people can step back and see how stupid and misguided their behaviors were. Somehow they never see the risks or the consequences. Until it's too late.

It's all a matter of perspective. That knight in shining armor dulls pretty quickly when you're folding his underwear while he's drinking and chasing the next skirt at the bar.

I understand exactly how you feel.

You marry. It's a good marriage for the most part.

Then your spouse cheats and you hear everything wrong with you and how wonderful the AP is. Sexy and funny and "deep emotional connection" and "I can talk to AP".

In reality you can lie to the AP because they don't know you well enough to call you on your bullshit.

And then when the CS wants to reconcile - well they Didn't mean what they said during the A and the AP didn't mean anything.

To which my response will always be - so you were going to D me (yes he was planning it) with someone you didn't love and knew for 6 months. How very nice to know the two of you were plotting this behind my back during his MLC

Yup, I can relate and still feel inadequate. My WW's AP is a Dr. I do well financially but I'm no Dr. He is also thicker (sorry, TMI) than me and during her A, and during sex (her and I) we would fantasize and guess what she would bring up?? Yeah, so that makes me feel like shit. But as others have said, there is nothing wrong with you, they are broken and I know my wife was and is working on that. I can't change who I am physically, I just need to get over it. Tough though.

As long as you're living with a cheater you will not get peace. You've got to separate her from you and find yourself again. I feel bad for you because I know what you're going through and what you're likely thinking. It's gut wrenching pain over and over again. You've got to save yourself for the good of your kids and yourself. You've got to mentally and physically separate her from you. You've got to put away what was and focus on the positive aspects of what is and what will be your future. Take care of yourself.

^^^^^^Great advice right here!

Who is your wife on this forum? I would very much like to hear what she possibly could say about what she did which is despicable.

waitedwaytoolong expressed in one sentence what I was trying to say in my post.

"I am a far better man than him, but that doesn't make the images of what they did any easier to live with."

The images are never going away. Unfortunately they become a permanent resident in our brain. There is a big difference between images that haunt you and images that make you feel inferior. Even after all these years one will escape from the box I put mine in. But those images do not make me feel inadequate or inferior. H*ll, I was a better man in 5 minutes than he was all year, and so are you. Actually the inadequate and inferior person is the one that chooses an AP far beneath their own spouse. Texashunter41 said that the AP's own wife said that Texashunter41 was a better man than the AP. I wonder if the AP would feel inferior if she told him that. He should because he is. Never feel inferior to any man who has no honor or integrity. I do wish you well.