SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What follows are excerpts and adaptations from the book Break Free From The Affair by Robert Huizenga.

There are 7 archetypes for A’s that the author has recognized, and each one must be dealt with differently. For convenience, I am going to post all 7 as separate posts. This does not mean that there are only 7 types, as combinations are possible and quite likely. It also does not mean that there are only 7 archetypes, just that there are 7 archetypes the author has recognized. These archetypes deal with motivation, and have nothing to do with details like EA, PA, LTA, ONS, or any of the other usual acronyms.

What follows are brief summaries of each archetype, and the common characteristics of those who get involved in them. These are archetypes only. It is likely that you will find aspects of each of these in the A’s that you are dealing with. This could have gone into JFO, to help the newly betrayed, or perhaps into R to help those who are hoping for R, but I have chosen to post this in general so that everyone can read and comment. For the BS, it can be quite frustrating trying to determine how to deal with an affair that doesn’t quite seem like all the others that they have read about, and the advice may not seem to fit. For the WS, I have seen many that struggle with trying to understand how they got into one in the first place, especially while they are still suffering from “the fog”. I have found some comfort and understanding reading this information, and have been thanked many times for pointing others to this, even after their marriage is over, so that with understanding they can begin to heal, whatever their path may be. I hope it is of help to someone.

As a final note, for those who want to R, do not feel bad if looking at these, you find that several of them fit. Though it may seem disheartening that there is no clear path given, remember that there are no guarantees in life, but the author of this books sees combinations of these archetypes as a good sign for saving the marriage. Combinations of these, in the authors opinion, indicate confusion on the part of the WS, and a lack of direction in the A, which actually makes them easier to end.

The 7 archetypes listed are:

#1: My Marriage Made Me Do It

#2: I Can’t Say NO

#3: I Don’t Want to Say NO

#4: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)

#5: I Want to Get Back at Him/Her

#6: I Need to Prove My Desirability:

#7: I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)

ETA:

If you are the BS, after you identify the affair type, you may want to take a look at the great post in JFO:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196811

This will help you decide if you really want to save the marriage.

PS: Just a warning, someone fitting these profiles should not be taken to mean that they have had or will have an affair. This is about understanding the psychology of a person as it relates to an affair once they have had one.

[This message edited by aesir at 3:47 PM, June 27th (Saturday)]

#1: My Marriage Made Me Do It

Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: “I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.”

Tip: If your partner/spouse is having an affair and blames it on the” marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.

Characteristics of the person who says that a bad marriage made me do it

• At one time was clingy and fairly passive in the marriage

• Does not want to take responsibility for his/her behavior

• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star

• May have bouts of sadness and dejection

• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate and weak Reluctant and seemingly incapable of expressing own desires wants, needs, ideas (doesn't know what they are)

• Can be very generous and has difficulty saying no

• May be naive or Polly Anna like

• More passive, does not like competition

• May be closely attached to parents

• May be overprotected by parents

• May typically express put-downs about self

• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough

• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated

Key Points:

A marriage does not have a life of it’s own. It is the result of a ceremony or some legal documents, after which two people continue to communicate and act towards each other in ways that they hope will get them what they want.

Just as a marriage has no life of its own, neither does a relationship. We are each responsible for our own ways of relating to each other.

If the “marriage” is bad, having an affair is not the answer, as it adds a whole layer of deceit and shame guaranteed to have far worse consequences than approaching your partner with any problems.

If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t have to look at me. I can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me.

Tip: If the WS blames it on the marriage, do not buy it. The marriage is not the problem, the WS chose an affair out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

WS to have very powerful attachment to AP. All energy will be shifted to the A.

WS will attempt to push you away. Avoidance, ignoring, non-communicative, walking away.

Most likely long term. WS finds it very difficult to walk away from AP. May try many times but will continue to gravitate back and hold on tenaciously to AP.

Don’t believe it was planned before because of the “bad” marriage. Usually just happen, usually with someone in close proximity.

OP usually the aggressor, as WS lacks confidence to pursue an A. Rationale that it was a bad M comes after the fact.

Trying to persuade, convince, or pursue drives them towards AP, will pursue these efforts as weakness, and compare them to the “powerful and loving answer to all AP.”

Moral or religious arguments will be strongly resisted. WS not guided by right and wrong, as these standards have not been internalized. Driven by need to attach to others, and concepts and behaviors that serve that purpose are valued, others are discarded.

Expect to spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy for quite a while to resolve your relationship (especially if there are children), whether you remain together or separate and divorce.

[This message edited by aesir at 6:10 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

# 2: I Can’t Say No

People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it. Some have many “unconscious” tugs and pulls that lead to an affair. They are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. One’s history, personal development and internal blocks play a role here.

Characteristics of the person who “can’t say no”

• Very controlled and controlling most of the time.

• May erupt when provoked or may erupt for no apparent reason.

• Tends to be ingratiating (kiss butt) to those in authority and autocratic or rude to those “under” her.

• You get the feeling sometimes that you really don’t know this person.

• May exhibit secretive behaviors.

• May disappear or isolate himself for periods of time. Claims he needs his space.

• Usually adheres to opinions and ideas tenaciously.

• Lacks a capacity to kick back and enjoy. Life is pretty serious.

• Has an inner desire to please others or gain their approval but may be hidden by tough exterior.

• Lying or avoiding the truth becomes a habit and almost automatic, even though at the time there may be no need to lie.

• Is usually concerned about doing the right thing the right way and expects others around her to do it her way.

• Experiences an intense internal level of guilt which may emerge as remorse after an eruption or acting out episode. (Promises to never do that again.)

Key Points:

Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Acting on sexual impulse is frequent. Thinking about sex occupies an inordinate amount of time.

WS is bound by fear. Fear of getting caught, fear of consequences, fear of being “found out”, fear of being punished, fear of losing spouse, job, family, respect.

Cycle of promise and failure. With each failure the guilt/fear/shame leads to a new promise to either self or others of “I won’t do it again”. The promise is kept for a while, but eventually the urge is acted on again, leading to a new cycle.

No true intimacy develops, others are seen as objects for personal gratification.

Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to past pain or trauma.

Lives in a distorted world. See’s the world through the eyes of their addiction.

Has a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others, and may lead a dual life

TIP: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

Expect a long roller coaster ride. If you threaten to walk and are convincing, WS may give in, but it will only last for a time before resuming A, beginning new A, or some other form of sexual activity without your knowledge.

Episodes of sexual acting out become more frequent during the course of the marriage.

Progression to the destructive behavior. Sexual acting out takes different forms. Most likely will have multiple partners. May be careless with own health and health of BS. Never satisfied, constant drive to experience more exists.

Compulsive need is compartmentalized, and in mind of WS is separate from the marriage. Is blind to the detrimental effects on the marriage. Does not understand why it is so upsetting.

Marriage is vitally important to WS, provides the stability and care they so desperately need.

BS is vitally important to WS, depends on BS to hold life together. If WS senses BS shift focus away from WS, will revert to old patterns of behavior to get “BS back in line.”

BS will experience more and more restrictions and isolation, cut off from family and friends. WS needs BS to put own life on hold for sake of WS. May be difficult for BS to have healthy relationships with those of the opposite sex. WS will work hard to make sure BS does not leave.

BS will begin to think they are going crazy as lies and deception take their toll. More difficult to trust intuition and sense of what is right, what is true.

Need outside help to shift the destructive course. The earlier in the marriage this is done the better. Don’t wait.

[This message edited by aesir at 6:34 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

#3: I Don’t Want to Say NO

Some people just don’t want to say no, and they believe they don’t have to say no. The older term of “philanderer” applies. Their relationships are marked by a series of sexual conquests, and that’s what they basically are – nothing more than the thrill of the score.

Characteristics of the person who doesn’t want to say no

• Very self-assured. Usually displays a great deal of external confidence.

• Has a tendency to be manipulative and exploitive. Primarily is concerned with getting what she wants.

• Very optimistic. Everything will work out…especially to her advantage. Has little doubt that she will get what she wants.

• Usually overindulged by parents and those around her. May be the only child.

• Often is not loud or ostentatious with her confidence. She just firmly believes that she deserves what she wants and will get it.

• She expects that others will serve her. That’s why they are here. She will have a hard time understanding why others don’t understand that.

• Often has a position of power, influence and status. Feels comfortable in those positions. Projects well.

• Will not see her deficiencies but will readily point out the deficiencies of others.

• Can talk her way out of any situation. Eventually might have you believing that she does not have a problem – someone else does.

• Is not concerned about her personal growth or developing insight. (That’s derisively psycho-babble.)

• Sees the world in ways that fit her and what she wants. Distorts what she sees. This may cause serious problems that she will find difficult to face. Will learn only when others or society impose consequences for her inappropriate behaviors.

• Is like a steel tank filled with marshmallows. Once cornered with her rationalizations or and experience of failure she will emotionally disintegrate. Often begs for forgiveness or willingness to start over. (Which may be a form of manipulation to right her ship.)

Key Points:

WS has underlying need for excitement, thrill and adventure. Is driven by this need.

Likely to move on once the “score” is achieved. Chasing these relationships is viewed as a game or hobby. Sexual conquests are trophies that inflate sense of well being.

The OP or object may be someone who seems unobtainable, making the chase more challenging.

WS seeks “quality’, beautiful, attractive, handsome, alluring, with power, status, or position. Someone who will mirror back those qualities to keep alive the grandiose thoughts of self.

Will only stop philandering if behavior results in possibility of losing something perceived as important, job, position, prestige, family, children, etc. There is usually a hollow core to this person that is exposed when the possibility of significant loss appears imminent.

Once the fear of loss subsides, and the WS has talked or charmed their way out of a difficult situation, unless they face the internal emptiness, they will usually resume.

Tip: If you are married to such a person, there is a major question to face: Am I willing to tolerate and put up with this behavior in exchange for the perceived benefits I receive from this person and what he/she provides? The affairs most likely will not cease. Where will you draw the line? How can you maintain your integrity and what is the level of integrity you need?

What You Should Expect to Happen:

Will most likely have several conquests. Affairs are about sexual gratification, not intimacy. WS is most likely lacking tools and mindset to have intimate relationships. Gratification remains at a primary level only.

WS will have little internal conflict. Views affairs as entitlement.

WS will operate in a world that supports their illusions, will surround self with those who look the other way or encourage philandering behavior. BS will not be welcome in this world. WS, friends, and colleagues will collude to maintain their world.

Likely to encounter a “Bunny Boiler”, as they get dumped after having certain expectations built up by WS as part of the conquest strategy.

May not be a lot of conflict at home. No talk of divorce from WS. Life might appear quite pleasant as long as BS does not rock the boat. WS wants playtime, while BS fills another specific role of quiet support.

BS aging may be a large problem, as WS only wants those around who reflect back beauty and perfection. Depending on social context, an aging BS may be seen as a liability. WS may cast off BS depending on the cost of such a “trade-in”.

Fragile world of WS (and BS) may crumble if WS encounters failure. Distortion and illusion under which WS lives does not always conform to reality. WS pushes and bends every rule they can to their advantage. WS does not pay attention to consequences which may bite them, and will expect the BS to be there to pick up the pieces and help them regain their confidence.

[This message edited by aesir at 3:56 AM, February 27th (Friday)]

#4: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)

I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.

This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.

Characteristics of the person who has fallen out of love and loves being in love

• Usually gregarious and sociable. Likes to be with people. Seems to get energy from others.

• Is demonstrative. Can have a flair for the dramatic.

• Feelings tend to go up and down. Never quite sure what you are going to get from this person.

• Doesn’t think too deeply. Flits along the surface of life. Shies away from “in-depth” conversations.

• Is easily impressed and latches on to that which is “hot” at the moment.

• Can be manipulative. Knows how to get what he thinks he wants from others.

• Responds quickly and intensely to most things around him. Dives into whatever it is before him. Parents may have exhibited the same characteristics.

• Values and standards may shift. Never sure what he really believes or where he is going to ‘hang his hat.’

• Can be very seductive, flirtatious and a tease. Likes to be around those of the opposite sex.

• Seductive capricious behavior covers inner emptiness and contradictory feelings.

Key Points:

Our culture teaches us that falling in love is the way it is supposed to be, normal, if it doesn’t happen, or goes away, then there must be something wrong, with us, our spouse, or the marriage. A good relationship must unlearn a lot of false ideas.

WS generally feels a great deal of conflict or guilt, is often married to a “good person”, and the desire to find “love” seems selfish and immature (which it is). At some level, the WS intuitively knows that they are not on the right path.

WS has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Lives life from the fallout of emotionally intense relationships rather than from the core of who they are.

Little understanding, or healthy examples of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. Falling out of love occurs when the attractors become detractors. Examples: love of fun and spontaneity becomes irresponsibility. Stability and calm become controlling.

WS is actually looking for someone to project back to them that they are OK, close to perfect.

Needs to be adored, or feel another adores them due to a lack of solid identity. OP becomes their world because they lack a world. Being “in love” becomes everything in order to fill the emptiness.

Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of the relationship, and in fact may end it by causing the attractors to become distractors. Idealized image is held together by phone calls, emails, gifts, love letters, etc.

Often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage, romance becomes a foreign word due to the responsibilities of life. Especially vulnerable when children are in school, or oldest reaches adolescence.

Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

Likely to be many ups and downs with lots of drama. WS will give all to new found “love”, and then at times find their way back to BS.

Typically BS will struggle with being ignored, feel bad for being unable to provide this love, question there capacity to love, and their desirability. WS affections are obviously centered on the OP.

WS may want to tell BS about the OP. May even want to tell BS about some of the details of the relationship, may even want BS involved. This creates an intense drama., like most classical romance dramas that involve a triangle. (Often these end as tragedies, just like literature)

Expect juvenile behavior, love letters, special names, secrets for only the two of them. Often these affairs are the result of unfinished adolescence, possible FOO issues prevented learning the lessons of falling in and out of love repeatedly, which is part of adolescence.

Expect the ILYBINILWY speech. WS truly likes BS, and depends on stability, goodness, and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep the WS connected to the BS. Fear of losing what is stable and enduring conflicts with need to follow feelings, and may point to internal emptiness, causing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Accentuates the roller coaster.

May feel very badly about inability to “love” BS, and inability to not “love” OP. May express remorse over the dilemma, and great sadness for hurting the BS, but has no control. WS is driven by feelings, and concern for BS reflects the superficial understanding of relationships, or a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.

Feelings for OP will fade. They will fade quickly if this is an archetypal A (just as adolescent romances start quickly and end abruptly), but if other factors come into play, it is a more complicated situation and takes longer to resolve.

[This message edited by aesir at 7:36 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

#5: I Want to Get Back at Him/Her

This is the revenge affair. It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.

Characteristics of the person who wants to get back at him/her

These characteristics apply mainly to the person who is revenge and not rage oriented. The rage component is tied to someone who can’t say no. If you need a refresher, go back to the section that describes someone who can’t say no.

• Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior.

• Has a hard time making decisions.

• Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go his way.

• Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it.

• Engages in teasing.

• Can be stubborn and unyielding.

• May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance.

• Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired.

• Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty.

• Has a tendency to whine or complain.

• May have moments of sullenness and dejection.

• Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may appear very moody at certain times of the month.

• Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness.

• Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry.

• Has difficulty with intimacy since his behavior patterns push people away.

NOTE: There is Frustration for real or perceived wrongs, and Rage directed at the world for all of lifes problems. The two types vary substantially in motivation, and should be treated differently.

Key Points:

The affair may be a direct response to an affair by the spouse, or revenge for some other perceived emotional injury, or lack of attention paid to the WS. It is an attempt to make the BS feel as bad as the WS feels for whatever wrongs they perceive, or an attempt to get the attention of the BS.

It is less of a movement towards the OP than a movement away from the BS.

This typically happens in a marriage where there is a lack of effective confrontation. There is a mistrust of expressing oneself fully on the part of the WS. The marriage relationship is usually civil, but lacking in any “fire”.

There is an underlying tension in the marriage that may be the result of frustration that one or both spouses experience when they believe that their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more, but it is not happening.

This form of revenge affair may be a wake up call for the relationship. IF the couple can get things out in the open, there is a very good chance of the relationship turning into something wonderful.

There is much less hope if the affair is one of rage, based on deep seated long standing anger or rage towards the opposite sex. There is a great deal of pushing people away with anger, and a lot of projection on the part of the WS, blaming others for their situation.

In a rage affair, the rage emerges from a desire to hurt others, rather than frustration of unmet needs. The rage induced WS will exhibit little concern for the OP, whereas a frustration induced WS will usually be more considerate of the OP.

Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

These expectations apply more to a revenge/frustration A than to a rage A. Rage is more primitive and deeply seated, and consequently much harder to deal with.

It may become obvious that the WS really wants the BS to know about the A. WS will not be very careful about concealing it. There will be obvious and not so obvious clues, with the WS anticipating, and at some level welcoming an intense response from the BS.

There will be moments of quiet, with the WS withdrawn, punctuated by outbursts or some form of crisis. BS will never know when these are coming, or were they might arise from. BS will be vigilant, and feel nervous waiting for next outburst.

WS will be passive aggressive, finding ways to inflict pain of the affair on the BS. Perhaps leaving notes or emails around to hurt the BS, invite comparisons between BS and OP which are unflattering to the BS. May spend more money on OP or taking OP to places talked about visiting in the marriage, and of course, the BS will find out.

Might seem like a game. WS will not let BS go, but will keep OP around in some fashion and remind BS of this. Will not confide in BS about the nature of A, wants to keep BS guessing. WS claims they themselves don’t know what they are going to do.

Undercurrent of hostility even as WS works hard on being nice. Will come out in tone, posture, body language.

If confronted, WS will deny being hostile or angry, even though BS is aware of the tension when they are around, and feels tension even at the thought of WS being around.

Marriage feels like a tug of war, a constant struggle with no negotiation and no discussion of what is happening, rather than the normal ups and downs of marriage. The hostility poisons the possibilities of something better.

[This message edited by aesir at 4:26 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

#6: I Need to Prove My Desirability

Let’s face it: Most of us are on pretty shaky grounds when it comes to our sexuality. Look at the models before us on TV, the big screens and magazines. Geezzz-Louise, how is anyone ever to feel as if they measure up or are desirable?

Also, a key in a marriage is the degree to which someone feels wanted. I want to be wanted. After “familiarity” sets into a marriage, self-doubts are easily rekindled. (A key component of “being in love” is the giddy feeling of thinking I am deeply wanted or adored. If one does not understand the stages of marital growth or lacks a core sense of self from which to live, he/she becomes prey to confusion and disenchantment.)

Characteristics of the person who needs to prove her desirability

• Usually shy or introverted.

• Often cares deeply for others and may focus life around caring for others

• Serious about life and would not fit “life of the party” category

• Can be very creative and imaginative

• Tends to enjoy time alone and can find value in being with self

• Has as “sensitivity” to life; likes animals, nature, the arts

• Takes a while to warm up to others, but once she does, is a great friend

• May seem to be a mystery, not sure what she is thinking

• It may not cross your mind to ask her what she is thinking. She doesn’t make waves

• May have struggled for recognition and belonging as a teenager

• She probably did not receive much validation from her family who raised her

• Thinks deeply, may read a great deal, “the gears are always turning”

• Internally may be bound by significant guilt and shame

• Is a very wonderful person to be around; liked by most

Key Points:

General feeling or thoughts of inadequacy may emerge as the passion of a committed relationship fades, triggering deeply entrenched negative ways of thinking. WS may begin a quiet internal dialogue about the nature of their relationships. Internal dialogue is nagging.

WS’s perceived area of inadequacy may be very specific and center around particular areas of sexual performance, thoughts, fantasies, body image, or ability to relate to opposite sex.

A relationship outside of marriage may occur that seems like a chance to explore the concerns about inadequacy. The relationship may seem safe as circumstances limit the amount of true intimacy.

The affair is usually brief, and probably the only affair in that persons life. Sometimes it is a ONS. Having met the ddesire to “find out”, some internal change usually takes place to realign the WS’s feelings/thinking about sex and intimacy.

Intense guilt is a byproduct of the affair. WS will feel terrible, legitimate remorse.

Others view the affair as uncharacteristic of the WS. When they ask why, the reply is usually “I don’t know”. The WS may truly not know what was behind all of this.

Tip: This type of affair is a great opportunity for a married couple to move their level of sexual and emotional intimacy to new levels. It is crucial to talk… talk some more…and more. Often, sex can be surprisingly passionate and powerful once the disclosure is made. The “wounded” spouse must work hard at not personalizing the affair and provide a warm accepting environment to talk… and talk more…and more. The “offending” spouse must open up and continue exploring in detail his/her sexuality.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

Secrecy. Will be very reluctant to tell what happened or is happening. WS ma y be withdrawn, or pull away when BS approaches. Will attempt to place self in situations where they won’t have to talk to or confront BS.

WS may appear sad or remorseful, but will find it difficult to talk about. If BS asks, WS may not respond. WS likely hasn’t figured out what is happening or has happened. Their behavior seems incomprehensible to themselves.

WS may seem remorseful, but find it difficult to talk about because of guilt and shame. WS’s guilt and shame reinforce the negative feelings, telling them they are not OK or desirable.

WS may threaten to walk out or leave BS. May leave for a while claiming to need space. Does not really want to leave, but does not see self as worthy or capable of being with BS. Is doubtful they will go to OP, and may truly need time alone to work on self.

WS may tentatively approach BS with subtle clues about being willing to talk… a little. Means BS is important to WS, but needs to know it is safe to be around BS. WS anticipates being rejected by the BS.

Affair may be an attempt to deal with leftover issues of abuse or sexual trauma. If so, then it will take longer, and WS will want BS to hang in there with them, but will not be able to explain what that means.

If past sexual encounters contribute to WS’s pain, they will begin to feel more clearly ingrained feelings from the past. These feelings might be powerful and frightening, but WS may not know where they come from. Life for both WS and BS may become chaotic and unpredictable. (Never mind what Dday will do)

[This message edited by aesir at 8:22 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]

#7: I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)

A marriage or relationship of investment is a dance – a dance of joining and distancing. A couple moves close with the purpose of joining and being one and after a fashion moves apart to claim their own space and uniqueness.

Usually we choose or are attracted to someone with the same comfort zone in the distance/joining continuum or with a similar capacity for joining and/or distancing.

The couple does their dance to balance the pull for joining and the push for individual space and expression. Intimacy is the capacity to talk about and the freedom to move between joining and individual expression.

Someone has an affair because ostensibly they say they want to be close to someone. However, a relationship with a third party is NEVER intimate, but may serve the purpose for that person of never having to be intimate with anyone, although someone may feel close. Got this?

Characteristics of the person who wants to be close to someone (but can’t stand intimacy)

• Usually over controlling of others and himself.

• Is often very methodical, calculating and disciplined about his life.

• Has a hard time laughing and enjoying life. Somewhat grim.

• May appear very proper and respectful on the surface.

• May try to please his superiors and be rather harsh on those “below” him.

• One senses a powerful underlying tension and may fear it erupting at any moment.

• Will disclose little about his inner life or about himself.

• May hint at having a secret life, or you suspect there may be one.

• May isolate himself from family members or family activities.

• May appear calm, and then for no apparent reason “blow up.”

• Seems rather mechanical in speech and behavior, especially if confronted by another.

• Has a hard time with change.

Key Points:

Affairs of this nature tend to be fairly long term. Usually with only one OP. Affair siphons tension off between the spouses as they struggle in talking about their needs for intimacy and space, and try to work out agreements (often unspoken) to achieve a balance between being close and apart.

The affair may be a highly guarded secret. The secrecy alone is enough to make sure that the marriage remains stuck and intimacy does not develop.

The affair may not be a secret, but the BS chooses not to bring it up because there will be consequences to facing it.

As the three parties try to maintain balance in the relationships, there is an underlying sense of unease or emptiness.

Those nearby will pick up on the tension. Children will sense the tension and may display disturbing symptoms such as illness, acting out, withdrawal, poor performance, etc.

Tip: The biggest obstacle for this couple is garnering the courage to the face the truth. Truth telling (either, I’m involved with someone else or, I know you are involved with someone else) will begin the healing and growth process. Both will have an opportunity to evaluate the relationship, explore and define their needs and begin charting a future that holds for them greater freedom and enhanced capacity for intimacy. They will begin to LIVE, whether they choose to maintain the marriage or divorce.

What You Should Expect to Happen:

If the affair is in the open, expect a great deal of fence sitting. WS finds it difficult to make a commitment to either BS or OP. At times will give hope that there is some sort of resolution taking place, and then WS will head in the opposite direction.

WS will be difficult to read. This has always been true, but will be even more so. WS’s behavior will appear consistent. You may notice them staring into space, but have no clue what they are thinking. WS will not acknowledge this, or will dismiss it as BS seeing something that doesn’t exist.

WS will appear secretive, may go somewhere without telling BS, may hide personal things like mail, schedules, briefcase, etc. This hiding may have nothing to do with OP or the A at all, but you can not know. WS will not volunteer any information to help BS heal, and a nagging suspicion will follow BS.

WS will tend to make promises to end the relationship. WS will tell BS when it will end, if BS will just leave WS alone. WS promises to take care of it, but usually doesn’t follow through. WS probably fully intended to end the relationship, but did not. May not tell BS if WS did attempt to end it or what happened if they did try to end it. In reality, the WS probably did end it many times, but kept wandering back.

The underlying tension will take its toll on everyone around. Some form of crisis may develop, either illness, an accident at work, or children acting up. The functioning of the family system loses its effectiveness as you try to move towards a resolution.

BS invests a great deal of energy in the process, finds it difficult communicating with and even being around WS. Emotionally taxed at every turn. Getting any form of disclosure is like pulling teeth. Trickle truth is an attempt to keep a balance between closeness and space.

BS likely feels like tip toeing around WS, sensing that at any moment the mechanisms that hold together WS’s world will fail. Concerned about how WS will respond to what is said or not said, what might be happening with the OP.

Without any of the basic patterns changed, it will likely take months to end the affair, if ever. The WS wrenching away from OP and towards BS takes energy and time, and is a slow process for this kind of affair. The tendency to hang on drags effective change and resolution to a snails pace. Change does not happen easily with deeply ingrained behavior.

[This message edited by aesir at 10:24 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

THANK YOU for posting this!

My FWS is a classic #6...to a friggin T!

Mine was a #1

Mine is bits of 2, 3, & 7.

I wonder if it is possible for someone to be all 7 archetypes?

My XH was none of the above. Always knew he was off!

My FWH is a cross between 2, 6 &7.

He doesn't fit one particular archetype.

BSgmr

this far out,it's still hard to say, he had characteristics of all of them.He had a #1-7

very interesting...thank you for posting this.

He was #1

I was #5 and 6

Mine is # 1 and 4. This was really good, thanks for posting it.

My XH was none of the above. Always knew he was off!

Same here. lol

The reason would be a bit of #4. However, the description of that type absolutely IN NO WAY describes him.

His A was a 'moment out of time', so to speak. So totally out of character for who he was before and who he is now. He is deeply ashamed of the person he became during the A. And of allowing the A to happen to begin with.

We'd been married almost 21 years, the marriage had become stale and the OW took full advantage and hit him when he was vulnerable. He allowed himself to walk to the edge of the slippery slope and you know what the result of that is.

[This message edited by imokay at 8:19 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

good stuff