SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, found this website by chance and comments have been very helpful.

Short version is - Got the love you but not in love speech 8 months ago. WW has been having EA with guy at work. Been in limbo since, tried everything, made mistakes and did not detach enough.

She has been conflicted about feelings and still loves him. He has moved to Norway to work (we are living in Iceland, not my home country).

Found out she had a PA when she went to Norway on business two months ago, and later found out she was physical when she came back as well.

Said willing to forgive but must either be willing to work on marriage or move out. WW is not ready to work on marriage so is moving out.

Revelation hit me a few days after being told of PA – what plans have you both made for the future? Answer was nothing.

WW is bascially in the fog and he (married) is in another country with my W as a back up for when he comes back to see his family.

This hit her hard and she got defensive, accused me of treating her like a 17 year old, said these were real feelings of love, connection etc.

One week on, told me going away for a few days, asked where and would not say as we were splitting up and not my business.

This was just childish and it came around to her asking what if I was going to Norway? My reply was good luck and while you are there, find out what his intentions are.

T

he good news is that this was the reality slap in the face as she realised OM was not doing much to progress their relationship. It has now ended up that she going to Norway to confront him about his plans one way or the other.

Since this conversation last night, she has been warmer to me and thinks this is good thing to do, which weird as it seems, I agree.

I have said she needs to come back and work on direction one way or the other, and if she chooses OM, then we are through.

Regardless of which way this goes, we will still separate as this limbo is tearing us apart.

Unfortunately, nothing I do makes her see sense, she agrees she is blinded by love and cannot see how this will affect our family. Read the 180 and this seems best way forward.

Married 13 yrs, 11 good, got lazy last 2 but still got on very well.

Anyway, that is the story so far. My emotions have been the same as you have all experienced. Many stories behind this, but I thought I would start the ball rolling here.

Me - (BS) - 40

WW - 42

2 sons - 9 + 12

Man that sucks. Hardest thing to figure out is, If she comes back to you is it because she has no where else to go or is it that she wants to be with you. I would be worried because to me she seems to really not care. IMO. I am a newly found out person so so of my input might not help.

Hi ozzy,

Sorry fopr the reason you're here, but I'm glad you found us

As you can see, shining light on the fantasy of the A has given some good results. Keep doing this where possible. Yau say that the OM is married. Find his wife and tell her. Your WW seeing how the OM reacts once his wife finds out is going to be a huge splash of cold water.

Her going to see the OM probably won't be about breaking up. He's going to reassure her with words, but probably not much in the way of action. Expect her to continue to try to play you when she gets back. See an attorney ASAP. Find out what your rights are, and come up with a plan of action. From what you're saying, there are potentially three countries involved, your home country, Iceland, and Norway. What are you going to do if she decides to move to Norway amd take the kids with her? Get a plan in place.

Finally, her cheating is not your fault. Don't take the blame. It's not yours to carry. Hang in there. You're going to survive this

Sorry friend, but she has already made her choice. I would tell her to pack her stuff and get out if she plans to meet up with the OM to "confront" him.

Chances are excellent that he is just using her.

Hope she can't get pregnant or that will be the next issue you face.

Hello Ozzy, welcome to SI. Sorry you are here but you are in good company (there's thousands and thousands of us ).

I guess your wife feels treated like a 17 year old because that is how she is behaving. She has a 17 year-old's infatuation that is clouding her instincts and judgement. Either way, it is not a choice between two men, but a choice between the woman she wants to be. And I don't just mean the moral woman, but becoming a woman who is not dependent on candyfloss external affirmation from an OM to 'feel alive', feel 'whole', young, or any other feeling that she derives from (and projects onto) this 'liaison', and instead become a person who can respect and cherish herself.

It sounds like you have been doing some Reading already. At this stage, she feels like she has options, although sounds like she is beginning to realise that she was but a playmate for OM rather than the soulmate she fantasised herself to be.

I recommend you read SeRJr's 'understanding the 180' thread below, so you can feel that YOU are doing the choosing, not your WW. She's in the throes of infatuation, limerance and addiction, psychological and physiological.

Why not tell her you need some space to consider what you really want and ask her to go and live somewhere else for the moment, whilst you think about things?

Sounds like you WW has herself in a "pickle". I know you can not stop her from going, but I think you are making this way to easy for her.

She doesn't get to make up all the rules. Set some boundaries for yourself.

Gain your strength and take your power back.

Ozzy:

You're in agreement about her plans to go to Norway to "confront [OM] about his plans, one way or another"?????

Huh?

It seems to me she's made her choice. And now she's treating you better? Is that because she's happy that you're in place as her back-up plan?

Ozzy, kick her to the curb first, and worry about everything later. Your wife is outrageously disrespectful, even by typical shitty WS standards.

Please read upon the 180, Ozzy. You have two young sons. Who is their primary caretaker? What are your nationalities?

I hate to break this to you but your wife won't respect you any more for being a nice guy. She'll respect you less.

She "loves" the other guy because she can't have him in his entirety and what she gets is probably just the good part, the romantic or whatever. Put the thought of losing you in her head in a big way. 180 hard, dude. Have some respect for yourself.

Say, "You have feelings and connection? Fine. Go. Get the f*** out of my house."

Women don't respect a man who won't stand up for himself. Tell her that when she's in Norway, you're going to see an attorney and get everything ready to go so she can be with Mr. Wonderful, who, you might remind her, is a known liar and cheat 'just like you, so maybe the two of you will be perfect for each other.' Of course you'll be doing everything you can to keep the kids and the house and whatever so she can start afresh with Mr. Wonderful the Cheat.

Bet she snaps out of it quick.

Good luck. You're the better man. Never forget that. Act like it.

[This message edited by romanticidiot at 1:10 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

By all means tell his wife. Don’t think you are doing this as revenge or to hurt OM and your wife. Exposing to his wife can be the greatest favor you do to your wife. Exposure forces the OM to take a stance – to decide what to do. Now he might decide to leave his marriage but experience here on SI shows that the extreme vast majority of men dump their OW and start damage control with the wife. Being dumped is a really big reality slap on the face for your WW. And frankly – if he decides to leave his wife and family and hitch up with your wife… well maybe you are better off knowing that already.

Iceland’s a small place. Finding the OMW won’t be hard. I recommend exposing in name and not by sending an anonymous letter or nameless call. Be gentle and patient. She does not have to believe you nor does she have to interact with you. However it can be a good idea to leave open a line of communication. Do not threaten your wife with exposure nor forewarn her. Just do it.

In a sense you are lucky being in a Scandinavian country. If the boys are biologically and legally yours and noted as such in the National Registry then she can’t legally take them to Norway without your approval. That’s not to say she won’t do it – she CAN board a plane with them and leave and chances are they won’t be asked for ID – but the public legal system is efficiently in place to get them back home relatively quickly. So don’t worry overtly about that issue.

I think you should tell her to pack enough because if she gets on that plane to see OM you are divorcing her, period. If she goes she has chosen OM, fu*k that need to confront him face to face crap, all that will happen is he is going to get free sex. She will be more confused when she comes back. Expose the home wrecker to his wife, I guarantee he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage. If you want this to end, tell his wife, don't tell your wife you are going to do it just do it. Have yourself tested for STD's and no more sex with your wife until she is tested for STD's and pregnancy. They never use protection. No more Mr. Nice Guy, stand up for your marriage, if she boards that plane start the paperwork. You hold the power, don't let fear of her leaving frighten you, she left the marriage when she took a lover. It's up to you if you want her back.

I second aliveagain!

Please do not set yourself up to be a backup plan.

IMHO Tell her if she goes, she will not be coming back home.

Beware that she doesn't come back because she got pregnant to OM, and he dumped her.

Her going is a disrespectful choice in itself.

PR

I'm sorry for why you are here Ozzy.

I agree with you that your wife is in "the fog" but I fear that you may be too. There is a BS fog as well.

I have said she needs to come back and work on direction one way or the other, and if she chooses OM, then we are through.

This line in your post is what makes me worry about fog for you. If she chooses OM you obviously are through. That's what choosing OM is.

I don't see logic in your wife needing to confront OM. If she wants her husband, family & marriage then what OM wants isn't relevant. Why would you settle for being someone else's best option?

IMHO I too believe the 180 is your best option. I also recommend IC. It was the BEST thing I did for myself in dealing with my FWH's fog. It was a big help in staying grounded with my head on straight when all around me was bizzare.

Be Well.

Thanks for all the support.

Up until a year ago (and sometimes recently),we had a very intense connection between us,something different to a normal 10 year plus marriage. The main problem was that I worked long hours and we did not give time. She then got a promotion at work and went from being housewife/not much to someone respected at work. OM played on her insecurities.

Part of her issue is that she has changed and wants more out of life (midlife crisis),and cannot see doing this with me,although I have always been supportive in improving herself.

Saw my MC yesterday (WW won´t come), and even he implied “Get out of there!“. Yes, I think most people would not persevere like me, but love + 15 years together + kids is a strong motivation as some of you know.

Good news is, the reality floodgates are opening. Last night she said “Before, I could see no hope in our marriage, now after what you are letting me do, I think here is a man who truly loves me and why am I letting you go? You have fought the hardest for me“. More tactile and actually slept in the same bed (NC – but best night sleep I have had in 2 weeks).

She is now really questioning her loyalties, showing some remorse (has not done this, which is partly why I said “What the hell, go to Norway“).

In terms of me as the back up plan, this is not the case. She has said and I agree that whatever the outcome, she is moving out. We agree she needs space to clear her head and work out if we have a marriage.

Until yesterday, I am sure her moving out was a means to a future without me, now she is thinking it is a means to reflect on her life and marriage. For 8 months she has been running away from this and avoiding thinking about things.

Sad thing is, her character is one that will cut of her nose to spite her face. She does feel guilty about what she has done and thinks because of this, our marriage will not work in the future. She also said I think to myself “why don´t I work on M as I do love H and care, but I must move out to find myself and see if I can be independent“ (very strong willed, stubborn character. Sees things black and white and once on a path, even if it is wrong, will follow to then end and not turn around).

Yes, this Norway thing is weird, but as he frequently comes back to Iceland to see his family, better this than her sneaking around in the future. OM being Mr Perfect is rapidly changing as she does not want to be the mistress and found out that he came back last week and went straight to see his wife instead of staying with his friend (he confessed all to his W, which is why my WW confessed all. OM´s W has chucked him out). Question on this – I have read the article about The Fog and am really tempting to print this out and show her. Is this too patronising and may go against me? Has anyone else done this to their WS?

Issue that she will move with kids to Norway will never happen. I have made clear this trip is not a “party“ and she is doing this with that intention (I know they are all messed up, but she is getting rational every day). She knows unless the outcome is “it is over“, I will file for D and she will lose me.

I hear what you are saying about being 2nd choice, but I can see she is in the fog and needs to do this for her own self respect and for us to get out of this limbo.

For the first time in 8 months I am not wasting my time thinking about our M 24/7, and feel clearer in myself. This maybe acceptance that things are over, but I feel stronger about the future.

Sorry for long post, but very isolated over here without family/old friends and need to get this off my chest.

SHE DOES NOT NEED TO GO TO NORWAY TO FIND OUT WHETHER THERE IS A FUTURE WITH HER LOVER

She can do that by E-Mail, phone, or texting

If she goes to Norway it is to continue to have sexual relations, and you will be deeper in the hole. Everything the 2 of you have gained will be sent back to square #1 if she goes to Norway.

Make your stand right here and now---tell her if she goes to Norway---D. papers will be waiting for her upon her return

If you want this mge., to have ANY chance whatsoever, she cannot go to Norway

I hear what you are saying about being 2nd choice, but I can see she is in the fog and needs to do this for her own self respect and for us to get out of this limbo.

Self respect?

Her thinking is TWISTED and she's got you now agreeing with her.

There is no self respect in continuing to CHEAT and betray her marriage vows.

Think about it....

You have much to go through up the road my friend, and in my opinion you will regret giving her the go ahead to continue her betrayal and fantasy.

2x4 intended.

Hang in there..

Rethink this..don't buy into her twisted thinking.

Ozzy, you are being played and you are tagging along!!! Your wife sounds very selfish putting herself first. Kick her out and tell her there is no way she is going to NOrway to see OM unless she is out of your house. Find the other BW and tell her

I have to go with LuvingMe on this one. She is not going to Norway for the reasons she implies, but to have another play date with the OM. This is what cheaters do. I'm sorry for being blunt, but this shit is not really all that complicated and you do not need to be anything but her first choice. Fog, love, it really doesn't matter, but it sure sounds like she has made up her mind and wants him, not you. I say let them go to hell together and you pack your things and move on with your life. Why the hell settle for second place??? I just filed for divorce and haven't felt this good in a very long time. Tough...yes, but I deserve better and so do you.

Ozzy, so sorry you find yourself here but be assured you are amongst friends who have all walked the walk and shared the pain you are going through.

One thing I can't seem to see in what your wife is doing is What is her intentions with your children??

There are two young people here caught up in something they really don't need to be involved in. Is she walking out the door on them to see OM or are her intentions to take them with her??

Is she using you as a free babysitter until she clears her head of the fog or has she lost all rational thoughts for her children's welfare in all of this and the impact it will cause.

There are many Dads here who are going through similar things and have had to take control of their children's lifes as there wifes become totally distracted by their affairs and hopefully one of them will come along with some wise words soon.

Keep reading, posting and try and get some sleep, eat and exercise. This can be one hell of a roller coaster ride.

Big hugs

Ozzy, I for one understand what you are saying. You don't want to force your WW hand and say that she chooses you right here, right now, or you D. I was the same way. I didn't want to give my WH an ultimatum, push him into a corner and have him choose me and his family because I "made" him do it.

This is complex, crappy situation and so sometimes the answer is not so clear cut. My WH and his AP also worked together and when I found out, I told my husband he had 2 weeks to decide. I wasn't going to be hanging out forever just waiting. I know it's not the conventional way of thinking, but it's what I felt comfortable with at the time. I'm not sure if I would agree to a trip to Norway because I would be the type of person who would later on be pissed about the fact that I allowed my spouse to go have a little vacation with their AP. The lesser of the two evils is to allow her phone access and two weeks to make an as informed decision as she can. And please let his wife know, she deserves to know the truth and protect herself. Good luck Ozzy.

She tells you that his wife knows, but you have not proof of that.

Your WW has lied to you plenty and should not be taken at her word at this time.

Verify that, by making contact with his wife on your own.

THAT alone will make her realize that you are seeking full disclosure,and are willing to verify since she's committed a very dishonest act.