SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know what to do or where to get help.

It's been such a long time and it's not getting better for me. I can't sleep, and I'm even on medication. Here's what happened:

We were married for 17 years, with two girls, 4 and 5. I have always loved her.

I was helping my wife update her iPhone June 23, 2010. I was also using her computer. It was taking a while so she went to bed and I stayed up waiting for it to finish. Her mom kept calling over and over again and it re-started the update. (I didn't answer.) As I was waiting, I noticed she had been to craigslist and noticed some disturbing things. I looked at her history and found pictures of other men's penis'. Then I noticed a hotmail address that was not something I knew anything about. I found her password in her iPhone and got in, and what I read there killed me.

I read all her craigslist ads for a man that was taller than me, more fit than me, etc. She found plenty, and I read some of the emails and saw the pictures. I was hoping it was just online flirting when I read things like, "I can't wait to kiss those beautiful lips of yours again." I read another one from another guy that told her where his place was. I went numb. I felt like I was going to collapse, and before I did, I needed to forward all the emails to my email address first. I knew if I confronted her she would delete them. It was about 2am and I must have started going into shock, and by 4am I was shaky and crying "why" and she ran out to ask me what happened. Like she was concerned about me now???

I looked up and asked her, "how many?" She looked up for a moment, then looked back at me and said, "two." It pretty much killed me. I asked her how long this had been going on, and she said "6 months." I assumed we would have to get a divorce, and she told me she wanted to stay married. I didn't know who to call, so I called my parents, and they told me we could survive this and I shouldn't rule out reconciling.

Of course I didn't eat or sleep at all for days, but we went to church counseling and she said she was sorry, so we should try reconciling. I am still trying.

I would ask questions, but at first she didn't want to answer any of them. Eventually she was told she needed to answer them, but we didn't get the rest of the "rules." She not only gave me the answers, she gave me answers like, "he gave much better oral than you," and "he was much bigger than you" and "he had great hands" as she took a deep breath and reminisced.

The first guy is way taller than me. The second guy is 10 years younger than me, and they had sex 4 times and he made her "squirt" two of those times. Okay, I'm not okay. We were told "there was nothing that she did that was worse than what actually happened," but yes, yes there is!

I have nightmares. I want to kill myself. But not before I take them first.

I found out that she met with 8 other men and made out with 5 of them, too. One she was "falling for."

I went on a research rampage and called the wives of these guys. Families ruined! The only one I couldn't do that to was the second guy, who was single.

I am upset with the other men, for sure. I am also upset my wife would do something like that. I haven't had a moment of peace ever since and I feel as though I will never have another moment of peace ever again as long as I'll live.

I have been to counseling where they say all the answers are in the bible, and I believe in miracles for sure, but I feel like God is not answering my prayers. If I needed brain surgery are all operating procedures outlined in the bible for that, too? That's advice from someone who has never experienced this, and I had no idea anything could hurt this bad. I have even been blamed for her doing this.

Luckily she stopped blaming me and realized what she had done, and she is making progress, but she still doesn't like to talk. She also has lost interest in sex, and it keeps me in torment thinking it's just sex with me that she doesn't want. Ironically, when she was doing all this last year she was initiating sex all the time, and it was great.

She doesn't want to go to joint counseling, but we have gone to church counselors who know nothing, and he even told me, "it was predestined for this to happen." Oh, thanks, that makes it all feel so much better.

I have been to therapy for ETT (Emotional Transformation Therapy, the next type of EMDR) and it felt like a gimmick. I have sat down with several others and wasted my breath and told them my story and they take my money and give me stupid opinions. I rejected my doctor's advice to take antidepressants for a long time.

Then we both lost our jobs. We're both looking for work now, and it's adding another layer of stress. We had to cancel our medical insurance, too.

I decided that was too much and I should take the antidepressants. I was also put on another medication to keep my heart from racing all the time. Every night my heart would start pounding like I was running too fast and I should stop, but I couldn't, and it would keep me up until the sun came out. I still have trouble sleeping, even with strong sleeping pills. I have been on lexapro for almost two months now.

The violent flashes of imagery and knowing what she did are too much to handle. Sometimes when I'm up all night I get horrible panic attacks. I've even had one since being on the meds, and it was so bad I blacked out and my 6 year old daughter woke me up on the tile floor next to the toilet. Nice.

I usually am feeling a strange burning or stinging feeling all over especially in the arms and upper back. Massive anxiety. It's constant and relentless.

I emailed Peggy Vaughan and she told me that one of the things that helped her deal with it was that her husband would have wanted to have an affair with her, too, if she was one of the other women. The problem is, I don't think my wife would have selected me to have sex with her! I don't fit her description, and I'm going to the gym more now, but I can't be taller or make my penis bigger. I can't make her squirt!

I also don't really know why she did this. I went to a BAN meeting and was told that if we didn't learn why she did this, she might repeat it. Peggy Vaighan (who started the BAN groups) that my wife probably didn't know "why" she did it herself. So which is it? I still feel the need to know why.

I feel like we need real counseling from someone who is qualified to treat this.

I am on these meds, and I feel extremely tired all the time and I am totally and completely depressed.

I'm trying to find work but feel as though it's all hopeless anyway.

I try to be upbeat and fake happy, because I know it's difficult for my wife, too, with her guilt, but frankly she should feel guilt for what she has done. The problem is that I don't think she is totally willing to wait for me to heal, but then she is, and so I'm constantly preparing to let her go, then trying to re-connect with her, over and over again.

I kept reading about "revenge affairs" and it made me start thinking about it, but I know I don't want to, but it almost seems like it would help me with my self esteem and then I could say to myself, "she did it, and I did it" and I can put what she did to me in the same place that wants to forget what I've done. If that makes any sense. It's a stupid thought, I know! That's not even something I really need help with, anyway.

I'm really just trying to find help in dealing with all this, and the imagery and how to heal with my wife, knowing what I know she did. Maybe I have revenge issues, too, with the other men. I definitely have sexual issues now. How to lift this depression, etc., and not want to die all the time.

Man, this really, really sucks. If anyone has any advice for how I can get help I would greatly appreciate it.

[This message edited by LivingOn at 12:05 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

Oh dear God honey...I'm awake, it's 1:16 EST where I am...are you awake?

I've sent you a PM, read it,

I'm writing a response to your post right now.

Hold on.

Sorry that you're in this club that no one wants to join. Your WW truly became a bonafide WHORE. When you get a job and get medical insurance again, you really have to go get tested for STDs.

What she has done is extremely devastating. She even mentioned these OM were better than you and sexually satisfied her more than you could ever hope to. She will try and seek that feeling again, I pretty much think that.

What you need to do is read the healing library and look up info on doing the 180. The 180 is for you to help heal yourself and detach from her.

This is a VERY broken woman and a serial cheater. She has probably done this long before 6 months ago, most likely for years. This is just the first time she got caught, and that was by accident.

You need to find a job ASAP and file for D ASAP. You need to run from this cheater because she will do it again. There is life after D. Make finding a job your priority and try to get IC with your church since you cannot afford a regular counselor at this time.

Damn ...feel as though you were talkin about me there for a min.Im not qualified to give advice...givin my own situation but first thing is you need someone to lean on, and talk to.this may sound weird but exercise,since i started excercising it helps burn off excess energy,helps to sleep at night.I do lots of reading here.Got to keep busy.Others here will have better advice like the 180.Just dont give up on yourself.

Well, for starters:

Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to belong to and to the forum that all of us are grateful exists.

Second, over on the left, in the little yellow box, is The Healing Library. Please read everything in there, particularly the BS Faqs (particularly about doing the 180).

Make sure you eat and make sure you drink plenty of water. You're on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell and it WILL take a physical toll on you.

Come here often, read everything you can read, and post a lot. It helps to vent.

All of us know the pain that you're feeling.

I want to make it very clear to you that your safety has been compromised. Get yourself tested for STD's IMMEDIATELY! As in, go today if you can. Ask for a full panel, blood, urine, swab, etc. Don't be afraid to tell the doctor why. Unfortunately your story won't be the first one they've heard. Tell your wife that she has to get tested too and make damn sure that you can get her results directly from the doctor. Don't have sex with her until you're both given the all-clear and then get tested again in 6 mo and at 1 yr.

Having contracted an STD from not one, but TWO marriages, I can assure you that even nice girls can get infected with unwanted pathogens.

You don't have to make a decision today on whether or not you want to reconcile. Give yourself time to digest all of the crap that you've had poured down your throat.

We're here, we'll listen, and we'll understand. There will be others along soon with better advice, I just wanted you to know that your post was read and that someone really cares.

Livingon,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I am crying right now, feeling your pain, reexperiencing every tortuous moment of my own FWH's horrendous betrayal

You have come to the right place to find the understanding and solace you are looking for.

The absolute best help you will find is right here.

First of all, let's address this:

I have nightmares. I want to kill myself. But not before I take them first.

Promise me right now, that this will NEVER EVER happen. If that feeling becomes too great promise me you will call 911... I am terribly worried about you. I just this past May went thru my son's horrific and violent suicide attempt, and this is NOT the answer. Don't you dare EVER consider this again. Don't you DARE do anything that would leave your precious daughter without her parents. Good, bad, flawed, horrible, whatever, younand your wife are the only parents that little child has, and if you think you are hurting now, just imagine what hurt she would feel if she had to live out her life with the knowledge that her father killed himself, and/or her mother.

Okay, 2x4 over.

Honey, if I could get there right now I would hug and hug and hug and hug you forever. I FEEL IT! I HAVE BEEN THERE! It is gut wrenching and horrific...but before we can walk you through this hell, you have GOT to start taking care of yourself immediately. I had the horrific physical symptoms that you are having and I call tell you, if. If not taken care of this WILL kill you. My hair fell out, I began with all the heart symptoms, dropped a tremendous amour of weight, and was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism brought on by the stress. Please see the doc, get tested for STDs, and make sure your thyroid levels are checked.

DO NOT have un protected sex with your wife! Craigs list men are notorious for multiple multiple partners of the worst kind. Make sure she is tested repeatedly for some time, and her test results are given to YOU! Yes, some people will even lie about this.

((LivingOn)) I am so sorry.

One thing that comes through loud and clear in your story is passivity. Your head is abuzz with what your ww wants, what your parents want, what your church counselor wants, someone's idea of what the bible wants... But what do YOU want? None of those other entities should be deciding the future of your M!

I bet it felt good to take charge and call the wives of her om's. You will feel a lot better if you apply the same principle across the board. The person you need to get tough with is your WW, not the OM. It may take some time to figure things out, and advice should not be spurned reflexively...but don't let anyone else dictate your response to this.

That includes us here, of course, but my guess is that if you detach and follow the 180, play hard ball and begin moving on with your life, she'll start to respect you a lot more in a hurry. We've seen it play out that way countless times.

Hi honey

So sorry for your pain.

I have experienced a different kind of betrayal but I understand your horror at what you have discovered.

The best piece of advice I got here was take care of YOU. Whatever happens in the future TAKE CARE OF YOU.

You are not alone. There are thousands of people here who understand your pain and want to help you. We will hold you up while you get through this.

Let us help you.

Post often. Anything you want. get it out.

We may not have the answers to all your questions but you need to know you are not alone. My sich is different but I know there are others here who have had similar experiences to yours. Let them use the wisdom they have gained surviving the same trauma as yours to help you.

Know that I am many thousands of others care for you and want to help you.

HUGS

Laura

Sorry I pushed send too soon.

I so so understand the feeling of 'not being good enough physically' for them. It is a completely natural reaction we all have, but this is not the reason for their cheating. You could be the elephant man and that still does not give her the right to cheat on you. If you were so horrible, she could have just divorced you, and been on her merry way. But she didn't, because she wants you, but she also immaturely wants to 'play'. This is the behavior of a sick, broken person. It has NOTHING to do with you or any faults you may have.

I am GLAD you found out who the other spouses were and exposed the cheating. Those women had the right to know their husbands were exposing them to horrific diseases. They now have the ability to protect themselves. You did the right thing.

she gave me answers like, "he gave much better oral than you," and "he was much bigger than you" and "he had great hands" as she took a deep breath and reminisced.

This is a cruel, hateful, dispicable response, but not uncommon in the aftermath of exposure, so please do not take this personally, although I realize, this is easier said than done. She is sayimg those things to deliberately HURT you because she is angry at being exposed and wants to transfer the blame for this to you, because she is too weak to shoulder the blame for her own shitty behavior.

Okay, now to the counseling...I, too, am a Christian, and I can tell you that the people that are counseling you are idiots based on what you have written. Please understand that some counselors can do much more harm than good. I would STOP that counseling immediately. NO one can understand this hell except someone that has been through it.

I still feel the need to know why.

Here is your answer: because she could, and she thought she could get away with it. It is really that simple. She did it because she lacks character, morals, self respect, decency, kindness and love.

If your marriage is ever going to work, she must become a better person who makes her number priority to heal the damage she has done to you while working on her own issues. Many people do not have the strength to do this...but regardless of the circumstances, this is what MUST happen. Do NOT take any less than a completely remorseful wife.

I have felt and been through every single thought and emotion you have listed here, and I was given an STD to make things extra specially hellish. Once again you are not alone.

Please respond to this post and let us know that you made it though the nite okay.

Please look into the 180, and put your own health first, for without that, nothing can get better.

A million hugs!

peace

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 12:12 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

So sorry you have to go through this.

The pain of infidelity really is hell. However, I can tell you that things will get better and you will get through this. It takes patience and time. Don't be afraid to give yourself the precious gift of time to heal and comprehend everything that is going on.

Also remember, you don't have change or do anything right now that you don't want to. However, do stay focused on taking care of yourself. That means eating well, getting plenty of rest and exercise. Exercise is especially important because it helps cope with the depression, stress and anxiety.

Thanks, everyone.

I do want to make sure you know I won't be killing myself, I just wish I was not alive. There is a difference, as I now understand. It was so painful that I first had involuntary thoughts of suicide and ideations.

There are only 2 reasons I could think of to not go through with it; 1. My little girls, and 2. The other men would still be alive. (Also to clarify, I wanted to take the other men with me, not my family!)

I left out some things before...

It turns out that she signed up for her fake email account on April 15, 2010, and that's when she began the craigslist ads. She had been meeting people between April and June 23 when she was caught. The first guy she met was a bodybuilder! She texted him hundreds of times and deleted them all and I have never been able to find them, even on my birthday. She didn't have sex with anyone until June 16, then the second guy on June 21. So look how soon I caught it. She even had two other meetings lined up that very next day. It was like she started slow and was starting to really slide down fast. Still, not any easier, at all.

Since we were having sex frequently around that time, I figured I probably had anything she might have. She was wearing protection, but not during oral. I made her go get tested, and guess what? Herpes! Both kinds. And now I have it, too.

I saved myself for marriage, and have never been with another woman. Why do I have to deal with this?!

Regarding divorce, yeah, I thought of that instantly. What do I really want? A time machine to stop her from doing this. I don't want to lose her, and I love her and she really is beautiful, which makes me sick to think of her placing ads on craigslist! These guys were probably okay with literally anything with a vagina, and my beautiful wife presents herself to these scumbags. She even got comments like, "wow, you're way more beautiful than anyone I've seen on craigslist." Wouldn't that have clued her in???

If my kids are keeping me from killing myself, then they're also giving me pause for a divorce. Some people say it doesn't affect kids, but it does. It would also affect me in how often I would see them, and she is a good mother (otherwise).

She is really sorry. She did get to the point where she cried real genuine repentant tears and she is truly sorry and I know that. She is working on herself first, and then she says she will work on us. I need to work on us sooner, though.

We have our off days still, but I think it's the overall cycle we're in where she is having a hard time dealing with her guilt and I with my depression. Sex is a major issue for me now. I said this part already...

So what I want, if I can't have a time machine, is to believe that it's possible to reconcile and have a happy marriage. I can divorce and have a broken family, or we can stay miserable and have a broken family, but I think we love each other enough to try to make it work, it's just that it feels impossible. We keep almost giving up because it seems like neither of us can get over this.

I'm getting exercise and eating healthy, taking vitamins, whatever I can do. But, I can't sleep. It's torture.

Yeah, it did feel good in a way to find out who the wives were and to tell them, but I told them the way I would want to be told. They all thanked me. I haven't had total success with everyone she met with, though. I keep getting advertisements from the company the first guy works for - even with quotes from him. I even called the company and told them about how he was using company time to do this on craigslist and rent hotels, etc., and they didn't even fire him. If anyone knows a way to out these people in public, please let me know and I'll do it!

I will read the 180 and keep looking for a job. The depression is really my main obstacle right now because it's making me extremely tired during the day, even if I did get some sleep, and then the flashes and feelings of panic keep me from sleeping.

I'm ranting now, another symptom of PTSD. Thanks again for all your support and I look forward to spending more time here to learn and hopefully heal...

LivingOn wrote:

The other men would still be alive. (Also to clarify, I wanted to take the other men with me, not my family!)

You really are trying to protect her and minimize her involvement, aren't you? Yes, those men are despicable, but your wife actively sought them out and spread her legs for them. They DID NOT RAPE HER. She was a totally willing participant. And she enjoyed them more than she ever did you. You need to place more responsibility on her!

LivingOn wrote:

She is really sorry. She did get to the point where she cried real genuine repentant tears and she is truly sorry and I know that. She is working on herself first, and then she says she will work on us. I need to work on us sooner, though.

If you've read ANY of the stories here, most of them act remorseful. Right now, you CANNOT believe anything that comes out of her mouth, not until she has proven that she can be trusted to tell the truth. MANY WS shed crocodile tears, that's a fact! She just regrets being caught, that's not true remorse.

Like most of us BS, you put your WS on a pedestal, thinking they would never do something like that, like they would never lie to us about something as terrible as this. The fact that you keep saying how beautiful she is and how she is a good mother proves this.

You need to take her off that pedestal and see her for what she is right now: a whore. How do you know that she hasn't done this before? How do you know she used protection? Because she told you and you believed her? I think this is only the first time she was caught and has gotten away with other affairs because you were so blinded by love before.

What has she done to show true remorse? Is she completely transparent? Has she given up all passwords to everything? Is she accountable for her whereabouts at all times? Is she comforting you whenever you are down?

Have you learned anything about TT (Trickle Truth) yet? You say that she first signed up on April 15, but you caught her by June. Yet in your first post you said she admitted it had been going on for six months. You need to decode her trickle truth. If she admits to six months, then for sure, she's been doing it a hell of a lot longer than that. Remember she only admitted to two men, yet you found out it was 8 men!

Stop minimizing her involvement! You also need to get IC for your codependency issues. Something must really be wrong with your R because your DDday is close to mine, yet it seems like you're still feeling so deeply in pain. Again, what is she doing to show that she is remorseful?

Hi lordmayhem,

I know my wife was also responsible. It's a source of great pain. When I said I wanted people dead, I just don't want to kill her. If we lived in a time of stoning, I would request that she not be stoned, but I would let those other men get stoned for sure.

Yes, I did see her not being sorry for a while. It took a couple weeks before she was really sorry, and then she said she had suicidal thoughts herself. And it was after some major discussions. But at first it was frustrating.

I did worry about other affairs and other lies and all kinds of things like that. I am pretty sure she was telling the truth about it, because I could see all the traces and everything. If she told me details that were more disturbing than protection, why would she lie about that?

She has given me all her passwords, and even let me install tracking on her phone. She does account for her whereabouts at all times. But, she does NOT always comfort me when I am down, because she says it reminds her of what she did, and it seems like she's mad at me for being down, because she's frustrated that it seems like I will never get over this. It sucks. She makes me feel horrible, then she gets upset with me.

TT - I have experienced some of it, but I grilled her for almost an entire day when I got all my details. She told me 6 months on D-Day, because she wasn't sorry, and because she had been thinking about it for a while and it kind of blurred. I can understand that a little, because she wasn't remembering dates when she signed up for the email account and things like that. I discovered April 15 because I went into the email account settings where it tells you when the account was created.

Regarding the 8 men, she met with 8 men for coffee, including the 2 she ended up having sex with. She kissed 5 of them. She told me about every single one of them, names, places, details, etc.

I'm also having a problem understanding codependency and how that plays into what I'm going through. I've been accused of that before but when I read about it, it was not what I had. If codependency is wanting to love and be loved by your spouse, then I guess I have that. I don't think it's codependency when your wife cheats on you like this and it rips your heart out and it hurts.

I'm assuming you got a divorce? Or are you reconciling? If so, how are you handling it?

How beautiful can your wife be--when she is acting like a trollop

beauty is only skin deep---obviously the great sex you had while she was spreading her legs for others, was to keep you satisfied and not suspicious---and probably the other guys turned her on, and you reaped some of the run-off benefits

In all honesty--this is a pretty heavy amount of damage in the way of A's----you may just have to much to overcome---this was not a one guy, one time, or a few time thing---not that that isn't terrible in of itself--but here you have your wife just plain not being satisfied with you as a man---and she RUBBED YOUR FACE IN IT---how do you ever get over that

How do you love someone who does/tells you that you are less than other men to her--how can you even stand to look at her, touch her, or even talk to her

What you are doing is demeaning yourself

It doesn't sound like your wife is really doing the heavy heavy lifting to R., and is her remorse really genuine--or is she just keeping her financially stable life going, by keeping you satisfied---because to be honest--what has changed in re: her thinking of you being less of a man physically

If you D., and leave--your kids will be fine---you will eventually heal, and they will actually be better off in 2 somewhat happy homes, than they are in the situation you have now---and believe me---they know something is not right with their parents

IMHO---Divorce is YOUR best shot at having some semblnce of a future life---I think your wife has just done too much damage---she just by being there in front of you will keep triggering you---cuz your sub-conscious is not gonna let you forget her put downs of your man-hood

Hugs, many hugs to you LivingOn. I am so upset just reading your pain and situation. How horrific.

I share the thoughts about kids and divorce (and faith). However, I would not stay with a husband who was destroying me. Further, I can't imagine your wife going from that to faithful honestly. Maybe with a ton of help.

Is the Lexapro helping at all? Sometimes one works better than others. I'm sure that's part of sexual stuff side effects but you don't need to have sex with her now anyway! Side note: inositol is a pain to take but could help depression without the side effects. My husband added N Acytl Cysteine to his antidepressant and it did seem to help.

Can you get individual counseling from someone not those church people?

I'm thinking the 180 will help you heal and might be your only chance honestly to make the marriage work. Right now she's not doing what she must do to heal you and I'd question what she's doing to fix herself either?

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair might be something to read--yourself and her. Pure Life Ministries has a program for women I believe..your wife fits the criteria to need their kind of help and it's Christian but they "get it" because they've been there. My H did the at home program and it was helpful. They have one for wives.

I guess I'm saying I'd lay out what I needed from her (this type of counseling, this type of remorse, etc.) and if she can't give that now you do 180 to heal yourself.

I'm babbling a lot and I'm sorry. I'm just so upset for you and wish I could help.

One of the most asinine, dumbest quotes I've heard on these forums is: she's a good mom.