SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

.......that caused the decline of your marriage!

It has now been nine months since I asked my STBXH for a divorce. He moved out Jan 6th. In that amount of time we have had a few arguments and I have heard all sorts of reasons/excuses/blaming for why our marriage failed and he was forced to have a 5 year affair with same OW. The reasons have nothing to do with him and everything to do with ME!!!! Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

1. There was no passion left (I felt it, he just didn't or wanted it with someone else because it was exciting)

2. I never initiated sex (we had sex every other day, always. It was pretty much set in stone. If we didn't one night, the next night was a given).

3. I was too controlling (this is just hilarious since he went everywhere. He worked 6 days a week, had a hobby that took him away from home damn near every weekend in the summer. He never had time for me and the kids)

I find it funny that if I was such a bad wife I can't imagine why he continued to stay in the marriage for 22 years, NEVER complained to me about any of this at the time and BEGGED to stay after each and every dday!!!

Please share!!!

Apparently the fact that I suck in air every day was enough to set off XWH off on multiple affairs.

I was blamed for:

-not doing dishes

-not cooking things the way he wanted

-not doing laundry

-doing laundry "incorrectly"

-not paying enough attention to him

-spoiling the kids

-not paying enough attentionto the kids

-not keeping the kids quiet

-not servicing his (often disgusting) requests in the bedroom

The list goes on.

What it really boils down to is, he cheated because he wanted to cheat. He's broken, he's the loser, and (from comments I've heard my kids make in passing) still continues his wayward ways to this day.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:11 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

BEGGED to stay after each and every dday

I still have a chuckle when I remember his begging/pleading. It wasn't at all funny at the time but looking back the tears were so contrived I would laugh out loud if it happened today.

A few weeks before S I confronted him how inappropriate it was to have a 1:1 lunch with (what I now know to be) OWUmpteen - she was his office gopher, he was considering making her his secretary. As I outlined what his actions were telling me he fell to his knees wailing "Oh my god - I'm SO SORRY!! I'm such an idiot - how did I NOT see how inappropriate it was. She means nothing to me - less than nothing. PLEASE, I beg you, don't give up on me. PLEASE be patient with me."

My thought at the time "Yeah right. You know exactly what you're doing and now I do too."

Apparently I was a shit wife because I didn't cook or drive. I asked if OWUglyIndian cooked or drove. Nope.

He also told me he cheated because I didn't love him. I loved him despite having any good reason to. I was an idiot like that.

I've since been cured of that affliction.

Later on it was because I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved. Read: Forgive and forget and lets start with a clean slate.

Got that right. I've never been fond of Glitter Farting Unicorns and giving him that clean slate didn't stop him from cheating again and again and again.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:09 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Existing.

Seriously, I am responsible for ALL of his woes.

No matter how long we're apart, I'm still the source of all of his problems.

It must be remarkable to be so devoid of responsibility.

At first I was blamed for the A because I wasn't as nice to him as she was. This progressed to I was emotionally abusive for years...blah blah blah.

I know emotional abuse has nothing to do with stature, but he is 6'2" and weighs about 250. I'm 5'4" and won't say my weight, but I wear a size medium clothes. Many times when he wasn't getting his way in a disagreement or out and out arguement where he was wrong, he would tower over me shaking and mad. I'm fearless so it wasn't intimidating to me. But if anybody was emotionally abused it was definitely me and NOT him.

I treated him like a child and other times, it was I treated him like he was just a paycheck. I made him feel like he wasn't a man. Uhgggg this list goes on and on. Most of it blatant lies. He is now in a completely delusional state while living with his 20 year younger mistress.

I was also blamed for pretty much everything that has gone wrong for him in life. My personal favorite, however was "not allowing " him to partake in his cycling hobby.

He's had two bikes (one road bike and one mountain bike) since before we were married. They sat in our garage untouched throughout our entire marriage. We live right along a canal system with flat trails that are huge for road cycling. He never went one time. We also live along a mountain preserve with trails for mountain biking , again he never went once. I asked him many times why he didn't cycle any longer, even tried to nudge him to cycle with my friend's husband who goes every weekend. He always had an excuse. However, it was all my fault that he couldn't bike like he wanted to.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 5:16 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Oh, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is likely that the lists are pretty similar!

-I just settled for him

-I didn't want to have sex with him

-I was too controlling, even described as "Dictator" at one point

-I acted like he was just the guy to take out the trash

-Our marriage hadn't been good for years (however, we renewed our vows, he bought me a very pricey eternity band, we planned a cruise for this winter, he constantly told people how great he thought I was and how much he loved me...but it must have been really bad...)

They are all the same, just different faces.

He told me just before he moved out in January that I was 'a shocking wife! Just shocking!' for the following reasons apparently:

1. I (like so many of you) was 'controlling' and wouldn't 'let him' have friends that I didn't know.

2. I was 'anti-social' - didn't want to stay up until 1am drinking with friends at their house, while our kids were begging to go home.

3. I didn't cook well

4. I was 'lazy' because I worked part time

5. I didn't exercise enough and had put on some weight (this, coming from Mr Huge who was nudging 120kg at the time)

6. I was 'an attention seeker' especially when he was close to death in the ICU and I'd sat by his side for 10hrs a day, 20wks pregnant. Apparently it was 'all for my own purposes'

7. I wouldn't agree to his increasingly weird requests in the bedroom so I was 'a prude'

So naturally he was 'driven' to have affairs - silly me!

I was too attentive to our daughter. .. that's all he could come up with. .

Our communication problem was my fault. It was my fault for having a problem with our lack of communication. His excuse from the beginning was that I expected too much from him when it comes to conversations. He often said "I'm not a talker. I don't like to talk a lot". He could go on and on about what he liked and things he observed but as soon as the conversation went to something that wasn't about him or was about us it was INSTANT shutdown with a glazed-over, dead fish, thousand-mile stare. I was the cause of that lack of communication at the same time because I didn't like the way he communicated (according to the narc.) Basically I should never have told him that there was a problem and then there wouldn't have been a problem!

To make that argument even more stupid, his latest excuse is that our communication problem is why he cheated so I'm to blame for that as well. I've always been the blame for his affair. I'm also to blame for not feeling like he is apologetic. Just because he feels it's my fault doesn't mean he isn't sorry, right!?

I spent too much time and effort taking care of the house and children. This was his previous excuse for cheating.

He didn't do anything around the house or with the children because I failed to adequately communicate exactly what he was supposed to do and when.

I was too controlling. Somehow this doesn't contradict the last complaint I just wrote. I was both too controlling and at fault for not giving detailed instructions on what I wanted him to do.

I did not hug and kiss him enough. This was his excuse for cheating after he was kicked out. The excuses change with the season apparently

When I made it a point to hug and kiss him more it was my fault for not having done it from the beginning and making him "build up walls".

The same goes for sex. I failed to initiate enough and when I initiated more the problem was that I didn't always initiate. When I became the only initiator the problem was that I used to initiate less and that still bothers him. Yeah..there was no winning with him. But my fool self kept trying anyway.

What I blame myself for is catering to that miserable big-ass baby. I never complained about his pouting, his whining, his inability to be responsible and make reasonable decisions (particularly financial ones and career-related decisions.) I was so reluctant to complain that I actually learned depression-era survival skills to deal with the financial disaster he was creating for us. Now that disaster is all his.

He acted like a baby and I babied him. He asked for a mother-wife by day who could become nympho-wife at night and I flipped back and forth like a coin. What I should have done is forced that manchild to be a man. He wouldn't have actually become one but our relationship probably wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as it did because I wouldn't have boosted his ego pretending like he was someone he wasn't. I could have saved myself years of misery instead of coddling that asshole.

Just thought of another...I treated him like all I wanted was his money. It is totally irrelevant that from the day I found out about his "friend" until now his argument was that I shouldn't be upset with him because he pays all the bills. His money should be enough to excuse everything. Apparently I wasn't playing my appointed "gold-digger" role to his satisfaction. I am at fault for only want his money AND expecting more than money.

Nope, I couldn't win. I wish I hadn't tried.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 9:58 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

So Housefuloflove I could have written much of your post.

Amazing that so many of us rode the same crazy train.

I guess I'm the lucky one. The Princess will confess to no wrongdoing: None of the screwing around that I strongly suspected, not even the threesome that I saw emails about. She just did nothing wrong, and I'm crazy and paranoid for even thinking she would do any of that stuff. You can imagine how relieved I was to get that diagnosis.

The fact that I suffered emotional abuse for our entire 17-year marriage is just more proof of how crazy I was.

Here's what I did wrong: After a lifetime of undiagnosed major depression, when I was convinced that she would leave me, I tried to kill myself. That's my fault. She thought everything was good. When I did that, I was the one who had tried to leave HER.

So my biggest crime was to have a mental illness. I'm such an asshole.

Everything was my fault, no matter what it was. And, if you asked him today, he'd blame me for every bad thing that has occurred in his life since we divorced 10 years ago.

We are all in the same boat , male or female. Stories are so similar when I read them that it is scary! My stbxww said all the same , I wasn't nice to her, I was mean, I didn't listen! You should have known!? You are an abuser , you want to control me , you have problems, I stopped loving you 6 ,5,3 ,2 yrs ago! Which fucking one???? Whatever. It took a while to realize the bullshit lies! I was none of those! Far from perfect and at times we had arguments like all , I still listened, bought flowers monthly, cooked , cleaned, and gave her apparently too much freedom! I am convinced I was the opposite of that stuff. I think they all just need to justify their disgusting actions to themselves, their family , their friends , if I was capable of actions like my stbxww I might do the same but thank god I am not.

Well......I find it remarkable that most WS simply point to their spouse and find fault without looking in the mirror and see their own faults and the real reasons!

I was talking about this very thing with a close friend of mine and I told her that if I had put my foot down about wanting to be more than a mother, prostitute, cook, cleaning lady, laundromat, babysitter, etc. to my husband from the very beginning, my marriage would NEVER have lasted as long as it did!!!!

Truth be known, I really don't think he ever wanted to be married to begin with. This is something he will never admit. And so, I will continue to be blamed for his shortcomings as a husband and the decline of our marriage.

Breathing...

Everything that has ever gone wrong in his life up till now is my fault...he he!!!

It's no wonder that I am moving on my merry way.. the OW can have him! She'll be the next one he'll be blaming for all of his troubles...

Not letting her be herself...so we now see what "herself" is really like

Trying to control her...(not remotely true) but I guess someone had to as she has proven she has no SELF control

Not liking the piercing she got in her neck...got me on this one, a 40 year old woman with a fake diamond embedded in her neck, but I guess she wanted to break free from the kids as well as they were embarrassed by it

Not liking her Pinterest site...well someone had to cook and clean and take care of the kids while she played

Not understanding her...again got me on this one. I dont understand a 40 year old mom of four starting to do weed and staying out all night

Being emotionally abusive...yeah, I truly loved her but since that is a foreign concept to her, I guess it seemed a little weird

Not giving her "space"...there is not enough space in the known universe for that massive self centered narcissistic ego

Not meeting her needs...other than being a faithful loving husband and good provider, I just could not find a way to meet her need for a different d**k.

I could go on.

Existing.

Seriously, I am responsible for ALL of his woes.

No matter how long we're apart, I'm still the source of all of his problems.

It must be remarkable to be so devoid of responsibility.

Yep, me too.

Let's see...

• I was a good mother, just not a good wife (although he never expanded on what didn't make me a good wife)

• I wasn't as fun as I used to be. Guess it's because after we had our daughter, we weren't able to drop everything we were doing and go out and do whatever we wanted at any given time. Never got a real explanation for that one either.

3. I was too controlling. Which is a total joke. He could do anything he wanted. He had many expensive hobbies that I never said a thing about. He went on baseball trips every summer with his friends. He pretty much was never home, due to work, hobbies and friends, but somehow, I was too controlling for him. In addition to working a full time job, I was the one always home, taking care of our daughter, fixing his meals, doing his laundry, while he was hardly every home. And he viewed this as controlling?

•He said we had just grown apart and he was working on changing himself for the better but I wasn't. WTF?! HIs changing for the better in his eyes was losing weight and dressing better so he could further his relationship with the slut.

•He said that it was always my way or the highway. I almost laughed out loud when he told me that.

He once said, "Look around this house! What do you see that is mine?" I really had no response for that, considering we had bought everything in our house with money that we both earned from our jobs. And we had picked out everything we bought and agreed upon everything we bought. He was just reaching for excuses at this point.

And now, he lives in a house that OW had bought with her ex-husband a few years ago; in a house full of furniture that was not bought with one penny of his money, but with her money and her ex-husband's money. In a house where he literally had not one say in one piece of furniture in it. He took nothing from our home when he left. Because he knew exactly what he was doing. Because OW, after kicking out and divorcing her husband, had a house sitting there waiting for him with all of her's and her ex-husband's stuff in it. So now I wonder if he ever says to her, "Look around this place! What do you see that is mine?" Yeah, I doubt it. He is such a joke and a total loser.

What did I do wrong? well I,

1. only cared about money and him fixing up the house, all I saw him as was choreboy and bank account. - maybe I cared about money because I had to pay all the bills cause he couldn't take the stress of juggling all the credit cards he racked up on his own for his hobbies, cared about him working cause he had a little habit of walking off his jobs whenever the whim hit him, and had the nerve to ask him to fix a toilet or change the car oil instead of waiting for the septic or car to blow up from neglect.

2. Demeaned and didn't support his hobbies - His photography hobby, a big expensive camera just to take 600 pictures of the cat, or a sunset, or some building, I still have a place on the wall waiting for that once good picture of our son he never took. And before he left I had 2000.00 saved to buty him a new camera for Christmas - had to spend that on the divorce tho. His watch-repair hobby - lots of little bits and pieces that he lost interest in a month later. His knife-making hobby, - again, lots of money for a total of two knives made. Just call me unsupportive.

3. Controlling - see 1 & 2 above. yet I encouraged him often to go spend time with friends out of town, join clubs, and was generally OK with his hobbies until he lost interest in them over and over again.

4. I was too quiet, felt like I didn't have time to listen to him, I turned off - I am a quiet person but that is why we were good together for so long, he talked, I listened. Sometimes he overfilled my memory banks with little details and I eventually drifted away to do chores- you know those things that still have to get done at the end of the day?

5. Didn't offer intimacy often enough - he said this yet forgot that it was he who had "finishing" problems and asking for intimacy too often just got him frustrated, so my answer was to let him "build up" a little so he could have a garenteed success - so no, of course I was not frustrated to have to think of his ego and needs before mine, save my wants for his timing.

6. I cared more about our kid and kid's friends than him - can we say jealous of a child much?

7. I was an abusive wife - yes, because I had to control the finances for him, control my sex life for him, and say no every once in a while when life got in the way of doing nothing all day, u can say I am controlling - but not by choice.

7. I caused his bipolar, without me he has no symptoms - since our divorce he has lost two jobs, currenlty unemployed, divorced already from OW second-wife, went bankrupt, lost his truck, was Baker-acted again to psych facility. We have been divorced 1 year and 3 mths so far.