SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, Forum

First of all, my wife is a very good person, one of those people who brighten your day, she has always loved me ever since we started dating about 11 years ago, we have been married for almost 3 years now. She is not the cheating kind, we are first time relationships, we have never cheated to each other.

Anyway, my wife started working at a new company 2 years ago. Her boss started hitting on her the first 3 months into the job and she told me about it. I told her i trusted her and everything went fine, she told him she is not interested and things went well.

According to her, she started feeling lonely and unappreciated about a year ago. She says she would cry herself to sleep many days since I was too much focused into work (a new project came up that needed a lot of my attention, i talked to her before going into this project and she supported me) and she started feeling like a "roommate" and not as a loved wife. After her explaining I did understand what she meant and I decided to change for good, stop being so cold and try being more romantic and caring.

During a business trip of her with her boss I always told her to be careful since I trusted her but I didn't trust him, and this guy is a playboy/player who knows how to get girls. Apparently during this trip, they shared moments where they would talk a lot and share intimate things. I think he noticed she was feeling lonely and wanted to "move in" somehow. After the plane landed back home, he said goodbye to her by hugging, which seemed normal, but after that he stole a kiss from her, which she did not reply back but did not say anything, just left things the same. When I received her in the airport i tried to kiss her but she turned her mouth to the side so that I would kiss her cheek instead, I kind of suspected something was wrong with that signal but I did not do much about it.

Anyway, after this trip, they started texting ALL the time now, which they had not done before, so she started "seeing" a man who would listen to her. They started seeing each other in private and according to her, she "really" wanted that guy to be me, since he was all caring, romantic, etc. She felt like I did not desire her anymore, but the truth is I was hoping to finish this project I was involved in so I could go back to the way we were before.

During these 2 private meets, they shared wine and again he would tell her how beautiful she was and that I was a fool for not attending her, that he would never do that to her, so in a way he was kicking me out of the marriage and putting me down in front of her. This would give her some ideas in her head that maybe I was not the one. During this meetups they kissed twice, but that was about it. She would always push him away when things got "closer", she told me because of the guilt she was feeling towards me.

We have always talked before that about infidelity and I always told her that if I ever found out that my spouse cheated somehow, for any reason, I would end the marriage right away, no questions asked. That is the reason why she said she couldn't tell me about the first time he stole the first kiss from her. She wants to be with me, she wants to be the mother of my children, she wants to grow old with me. I do too, but this is eating me alive, why risk our marriage by doing this? Did I deserve this? Was my "coldness" enough to make her almost run away? Please help.

Yes, it's cheating. But this goes beyond kissing. This is a full blown affair.

This is in no way your fault. She chose to cheat.

Did she come to you and tell you she was lonely last year...or is this new info?

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid there's a lot more to this than you realize.

Is she still working with him?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:43 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

Your wife is on the verge of having an affair with her boss, and you need to tell his wife that he is making inappropriate advances to your wife. if she is being truthful to you, she will not have any problem with you doing that.

N, she needs to be looking for another job. if you think this is eating you up now, wait until the next time they go away together.

if you do nothing you will really wind up on the JFO. Al;so, in many cases, these "confessions" are really nowhere near the whole story, but just a little tidbit to see how you react.

if i were you, I would tell her she is leaving that job if she wants to stay married to you. She has allowed this to develop to this point, and I would put a VAR in her car and start monitoring her social media. I hope you are not going to tell us she keeps her passwords secret now.

To answer your question, yes it is.

since I was too much focused into work

I heard the exact same excuse at first.

I think he noticed she was feeling lonely

Men who go after married women have radars that can easily pick up on this. Men like this are called predators.

When I received her in the airport i tried to kiss her but she turned her mouth to the side so that I would kiss her cheek instead.

They did more than kiss. She did not stop him. This is her guilt showing through. Her turning away from you in my gut tells me they did have sex.

Sorry, but IMO this has turned into a PA. Too many red flags here.

Because of the lies I was initially told, the "I didn't kiss him" and the I turned away stuff is always said at first when there is much more. Plus two private meetings with wine, etc.

You say you told her you would divorce if there was any cheating. Now that this has happened to you, do you still feel that way or do you want to work through this?

As for what actions you need to take if you are going to stay in the marriage is this:

She quits her job today.

You tell the company what this boss is doing with a married woman.

She answers all of your questions now with total honesty.

And you have total access to all of her electronics and read all of the texts and emails.

If she hems haws around with the truth, mention a polygraph will be needed.

Stay strong because the truth hurts like hell.

Do not lose your temper with her.

Is this OM married.

IMHO you cannot kiss without first getting to some level of EA. E=emotional A=Affair. So yes, kissing = cheating. Period.

I'm sorry you are here.

Yes she is having an affair. It is PA and EA. It doesn't become an affair when the penis hits the vagina, it is already an emotional and physical affair.

There are a lot of resources in the healing library that will be useful to you.

this is not your fault. Perfect marriages can have affairs, and the worst marriages in the world have viable alternatives to affairs - like solving issues or ending the marriage. The choice to cheat is a choice to cheat, it has nothing to do with the other spouse. It is selfish and ego and that's it.

Also, my husband gave me the "I'm lonely" when I first found out. Well we are now about 2 months out... and I have looked thorugh all the text logs and phone logs. He was giving the other women 96% of his attention through texts/phones. No freaking wonder he felt "distant" from me - he wasn't ever thinking of me at all!!!

It sounds like your wife is involved in an emotional affair with her boss. If she isn't giving you the whole truth, it may be a physical affair.

The reality is, she's making choices that are sabotaging your marriage. I get hugging a friend, but he is her boss. Going out to intimate dinners is a choice.

I once had a boss kiss me unsolicited. I was newly married at the time. We worked in a restaurant, we were closing the restaurant, backed me into a corner and kissed me. I felt assaulted. I left, went home and told my husband. I never let myself be alone with him again! I told his wife, other family members, and my work life was made miserable.

The point of my story is: she has choices in this situation. The choices she's making do not bode well for your marriage. She needs to stop dealing with him, period! And work on why she thinks it's ok to drop her boundaries and let another person into your marriage?

What happens the next time you have a big project?

Around here the saying is "look at actions" Are her actions telling you she wants to save the marriage? Or is she stringing you along with words?

Please read the healing library, the link is in the yellow box in the upper left corner.

Hugs,

Geekpower,

First, welcome this is such a painful topic it is so easy to feel vulnerable, lost and confused. There is a tremendous amount if support here.

Your question was if the kiss was cheating. That does depend on if truly "stolen" or given. However, that really isn't the issue. Through your wife's actions in texting, telling intimate things and developing the relationship with the other man (OM) is considered an emotional affair (EA). To me that is a more significant issue than the kiss.

You are not to blame. Each of us have times in our relationships that are not great. However, not all of us have affairs. Many of us (including me) swore we would leave if infidelity occurred. However, when it happens our perception,situation an reality may change our approach. I encourage you to take your time before you make a major decision. Her response and help to you and your marriage to heal will help you make your decision

Right now, take care of yourself. Eat, drink plenty of water and try to rest. There is great info in this site.

You have to take action now.

Contact HR at her place and notify them. Do not let your wife know.

VAR in her car asap.

You will not nice her out of this.

Are you two still having sex?

If not she is being faithful to this POS.

I'm sorry but she needs another job.

Geekpower,

As others have said, unfortunately there is much, much information that you are unaware of in your wife's life. I believe that there was a full blown PA on that business trip. Hence all the texts afterwards and her turning away from you at the airport. Now is not the time to be naïve. I know that it is shocking and unbelievable to imagine the one person on this earth who you love above all others is capable of doing something so awful. This exact same thing has happened to nearly everyone on this site and it sucks more than anything. But she has done it and now you must react. First of all, she needs to find another job...like yesterday and stop all contact with her boss.

What you have written in your post is one of the most common scripts for any wayward wife. It sounds similar to hundreds of stories that I have read on this website. There is much more going on in secret.

Tell her you have set up a polygraph test for her and see her reaction.

I think they went at it like rabbits on that trip.

Sorry man.

This isn't looking good.

Thanks for your support. I will begin reading the healing library, since I'm new here.

A couple of points here:

- I confronted her and she didn't deny it, I told her she should quit so she did.

-Apparently this guy is somehow afraid of me.

- Wife says she's glad I intervened, now she sees that "I'm interested in her".

- She wants to work things out, and ever since this happened i believe her there was no sex involved. I read her phone messages since the trip and there is no mention of it, he always said: "We should step it to the next level, meaning sex is next".

- She understands she was weak, that her naiveness could have led her to that, she is now figuring she was used by him (duuuh) and is extremely mad at him, does not want any contact with him anymore.

- She has been open about having me check her phone, emails, etc. Complete openness.

- What is a VAR?

Friend, I understand the pain you are in, and I am very sorry to say it will get much worse IMO and experience. I have been around/read enough to truly believe there is MUCH MORE that she knows and is not telling. Not to minimize your terrible story one iota, but I have read literally dozens, if not hundreds that read almost exactly the same, and in time found to really be full blown affairs, even serial cheating over years!... This is because cheaters pretty much go by what we call the cheaters handbook; they lie, trickle truth, blameshift in the beginning because who else are they gonna blame, not themselves for the extremely selfish CHOICE they made. NEVER allow her to say it was a mistake.

In my infidelity experience, my ex POS wife told me she liked someone from work, but "they never even held hands"... Next day the wife of the other cheater was at my home, and I feared might beat my wife to death. Turns out that night (D-Day) she went out for a 'little space' which was spent with the other cheater in a hotel over the night, and the betrayed wife caught them together on a motorcycle the next morning! This started me out on a near death experience, where the lying, gaslighting, and rage by her was insane, and she was a true monster and enemy.

How skillfully these cheaters can lie; my ex POS's affair was on for at least a year prior to D-Day, and I never even had a hint... Complete trust and love for your wife will do that. Please friend understand this could go much deeper, and how you feel now, will change to possibly include white hot rage and hatred for your spouse. We all care for you here, and truly wish the best outcome for you. Good luck!

Is kissing another man considered cheating?

If we were to believe your wife's story and her boss simply stole a kiss from her at the airport it would make for an interesting debate on if that is cheating.

However, that stolen kiss is the very least of the issues you have. They were texting ALL the time, she vented to him about your marriage, they had private meet ups after the so called stolen kiss, she let him adore her with how beautiful she was, she kissed him some more. Those are all things she did, not just some stolen kiss from her boss.

Your wife is completely down playing her involvement. This is very concerning. Additionally she is trying to convince you that your lack of attention is the cause of it all. This is even more concerning. I am worried that you have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg. If she came to you explaining her story and showing how sorry she was without blaming you I might be inclined to believe it. By putting you as the cause it screams that there very well be more to the story and she is TT you to gauge how you react.

My wife was always a good person to me. I would have never thought she was the cheating kind. We also had a very good marriage. Well she cheated on me for 12 years. I still believe we had (and still do now) a good marriage. Cheating is not isolated to marriages with major problems. Don't get complacent thinking yours is safe especially given the facts of this story.

1. She goes NC with her boss - Yes she may have to quit her job to do this

2. Get access to all of her emails, phone, FB, passwords now, no negotiating on her part.

3. Tell the company, tell the boss's wife.

4. Go get an STD test for both you and her (this will wake her up)

5. Tell her you need to complete truth.

6. Verify the story as best you can.

I suspect when you enforce the above she breaks down and you get the rest of the story. Stay strong, this will not be easy at first.

Voice activated recorder.

Thanks for the additional info.

You did well.

Do you hold her 100% responsible for the affair?

Did the texts from OM saying they should take it the next level come before or after you confronted her? The way he worded it sounds off.

To confirm everything is cool I would stick a VAR in her car to make sure she is serious.

Did the texts from OM saying they should take it the next level come before or after you confronted her? The way he worded it sounds off.

Timing is everything.

I am glad your wife is being decent about it. But I do not believe this is all that happened for this reason.

The way she acted when she first saw you = guilt.

Privacy with him too many times

He IS a predator and knows what to do with woman who felt/feel like you wife did or does.

And this is now the beginning. Just because your wife quit does not mean the affair cannot continue, so be very watchful for anything.

The OM is afraid of you, well at least he is smart enough for that.

Your wife needs to be totally honest with herself right now about the WHY. She did not let this happen because you were too busy with work. That is an excuse she has told herself.

So what happens the next time she feels left out because you had to work late. Or the next time some creepy ass comes her way.

She has to learn boundaries and she has to learn why she ever allowed this to happen.

She should at the very least read the book Not Just Friends.

Welcome, yes this is cheating.

She is blameshifting and making you feel bad that she did this, do not accept that, and make her own it.

Did it go further, didn't it? I don't know, but I suspect there's more to the story, there usually is. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a new BS(betrayed spouse) show up with suspicions, or it was just a kiss stories to find out it was much much more. Your wife has stated that she doesn't feel important, and while she might feel this way it's not your burden. She needs to do some serious work on her even it was "just a kiss".

I would urge you to do a few hard line things so she know you are serious.

1. Make her get STD tested, the whole gamut.

2. Have her read Not Just Friends

3. Start looking for another job.

4. Report this jackass to HR.

This guy is her boss, and a predator, and if she was innocent, she should be more than willing to make a sexual harassment complaint against him. If she resists, then I would believe there is more to the story than she has shared.

Keep reading, keep posting. Learn from us.

(((and strength)))

When I ask her about more details about everything, she feels annoyed or having a "here we go again" type of look.

Any ideas what this means? Should i keep bugging her for details?