SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She left the house a month ago saying she wasn't happy and there was no passion anymore and needed time to think so I disagreed at first I wanted to talk and work things out we have been married 2 years and together 6 years but she was insistent about leaving so i gave space her space hoping it would only last a day or two only to find out a few days ago she has been texting another man for three months MMS messages where sent as well I'm assuming they r pic messages my sisters called the number she was texting and a male answered we couldn't get a first name so I ask her I'd she had been talking to anyone while we r apart at first she said no then it was only once or twice and that she wasn't interested in see anyone else now after I find out she is lying I ask to meet up and talk and she says we can only talk if we see a counselor she doesn't no that I no that she is seeing someone else I want to confront her in person and not over the phone so should I jus go find her or wait till I set up an appointment with a counselor????

Hot Rod.. so sorry you are here. Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

We have ALL heard some version of "there is no passion anymore and need time to think".. it's code for "there is someone else I want to be with". Nearly 100% of the time. I languished for a few months hoping my H's "friend" was a friend but she wasn't. They almost never are.

Confronting her in front of a third party is a good idea, if the counselor is good. Mine was terrible and believed all of STBX's lies.. so it didn't help us much, but if you get a good one, that can be a safe place to discuss things like this.

The bottom line is you have a choice here.. you don't have to wait for her to get her s*it together or wait for her to own up to her mistakes (she might never, mine hasn't). You can take charge of your life. 2 years isn't long.. do you have kids? I don't know how old you are... but if you are young with no kids, my advice to you would be that the world is full of good women who wouldn't do this to their spouses. Life is simply too short to play parole officer with someone untrustworthy. She's lied to you. Could she do a 180 and be remorseful? Sure... but you can't control that. You can only control yourself. So I would advice you to go to counseling if it helps, but get a separate counselor for you, get your finances situated, and even see a lawyer or two- just to have in your pocket. She could see the light but she might not.. and you deserve better. Don't settle for someone who isn't trustworthy or respectful.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:04 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

I'm 29 no kids and yes I feel like I've read more in the last three days than I get in 15 years of school haha I'm jus dying inside and want some clarification either way I want to confront her in front two members from both side of our families so she won't feel attacked even tho she will either way but she disrespected me and our marriage so I dnt rilly care if she feels stupid maybe that will snap her out of the Fog

PS I blocked his number so now they have to rilly try to keep it going I didn't want to make it easy for her to do this to me

It doesn't matter if you are 2 years in with no kids, or 20 years and 10 kids. The pain is still the same.

I want to see the messages to see what they say and if she has deleted them or won't let me see them she is hiding something and I have my answers and I can move on thanks for the advice I rilly have found support and great info on here

Also should I call the OP and tell them she is married and to stop and stay away cuz I'm not the guy that sits around and let's another man get away with courting my wife I'm jus trying to stay out of jail

Hotrod, trust your gut instincts. I got the same "no passion and romance" bullshit as well. Then you have to ask yourself or her "passion and romance compared to what?" and there is but only one answer to that question and that is compared to the affair she is currently partaking.

Waywards generally leave the household to go "try out" the new relationship. They need you to not be present so you don't hinder their affair and remind them what shitty thing they are doing to you. They become magnificent liars.

If there is one thing we can guarantee is that you will not successfully "nice her" back into the relationship. The reason primarily because her decision to cheat is not anything you did. You are not at fault but you are being put on the back burner as plan B. That's the reason for the secrecy and denial from you.

What you do need to do is find out who this affair partner is and expose their affair. If this guy has a wife or girlfriend you will need to let them know about it as well.

Hang tight. You're going to get a lot of help from other members here. Heed their advice. The first step is to get out of infidelity. Then the choice to divorce or reconcile will follow. This won't happen overnight. Your going to ride the worst emotional roller coaster of your life but with our help when can try to lean out the dips and turns. Wayward behavior is very predictable. We've all been there and done that. Although each of our situations in life are unique wayward behavior seems so scripted you think there was a guide to cheating out there they all follow.

I have struggled with contacting MOW (whore) from the beginning and I have concluded that I won't. At least not until the D is final and I have what I need. Now in my case, MOW knows he's married, she was a "friend" of mine too.. so there is no excuse. In your case, the OM might really not know your wife is married.. so it's different.

Here is why I decided what I did.

1. She's a lying sack of shit. She's a person willing to cheat on her own husband with a man who belongs to someone else and has kids. If that didn't stop her from crossing boundaries, nothing I say will mean anything to her.

2. I am not likely to feel better after I talk to her. And these days, I am practicing self care.

3. It could complicate things legally in a divorce.

As for contacting her H.. I am thinking about it but won't do that until my ducks are in a row and my kids are provided for. I won't do anything to hurt their chances.

Your case is slightly different, calling or texting him might be appropriate, particularly if he doesn't know she's married.

If I were you, I'd see a lawyer and move on.. 29 is so young... your whole life is ahead of you, don't waste it on someone unworthy.

I am so sorry that you had to come find us. I totally agree with Brohl is that the pain is the pain regardless of the circumstances. When you've been betrayed by someone you love it is devastating.

I agree that confronting her in front of a counselor might be good, and I wouldn't hold back on your hurt, confusion, and suspicions. If she is having an emotional affair or physical then she owns those crappy choices. However other issues prior to your marriage you might play a role is so if you talk to a counselor you can't honestly ignore those. You might not be able to deal with them yet and could insist in front of the counselor that she stop contact with this man. Both because it removes a deterrent to working on the marriage and as a symbol of good faith that she does want to work to fix the marriage.

The downside in dealing with this is that there isn't a way to force her. You'll be doing a dance with her to find your way. She may refuse to participate and that is a possibility that you need to watch out for. Words can be cheap in this time with actions showing more of the reality of things. So watch the actions.

Changes may be in baby steps early on so you might find in valuable to journal both the positive and the negative. You might be able to see a true trend over time. However things don't always tend to go totally positive or totally negative. You'll probably experience things like a roller coaster. Ups and Downs that start really big and get smaller and smaller over time.

In the meantime, you've got to take care of yourself as best you can. If things seem totally out of control then just focus on the basics of eating, staying hydrated, sleeping, and exercising. It's also ok to cry. While we may believe that we aren't suppose to cry as a man, it is therapeutic. Watch yourself for anger, it can quickly escalate and you don't want to make anything worse for yourself. Find safe ways to diffuse it.

PS I blocked his number so now they have to rilly try to keep it going I didn't want to make it easy for her to do this to me

While making it harder for her, she probably just figured out that you know. Element of surprise tends to make for bad lying attempts. When you give them time to concoct a story it usually can seem like it could be realistic. In the future try to hold your cards and use them strategically.

The problem is I no its a guy I've narrowed it down to two possible guys they r brothers one has a GF the other doesn't appear to and I dnt no if they no she is married

Tell her you know about the other man, tell her you want to talk now, that this cannot wait.

Before you do meet though, think about what you want.

Do you want to try and fix your marriage? Or is this a dealbreaker?

When you do meet, be prepared for lies, lots of them, you may be one of the "lucky" ones that gets the truth straight away, but the reality is, that rarely happens.

The OM may not know she is married, more likely though that he knows and doesn't care. Letting him know that you know though, may be enough to stop him.

Hotrod, your wife knows she's married (for now), which is where you should be focussing your attention.

This is probably happened: She met this gut, flirted, texted, sexted, had sex, she fell in love, guy knows you are married, she told him you two are divorcing, she separated to new apartment, she is testing whether she wants to keep the new model or go back to the old model, she has no problem staying like this a long time with not telling you anything, she only has to file if she wants to married eventually the new guy.

I think you should call the guy, you've got a better chance of the truth than your wife. Then call your wife and blow it up, she may just tell truth if you already know. The limbo kills, just get over with it rather than wait and wait. It will be painful, it is painful already now, the sooner you confront and move on the quicker you start feeling better.

I want to see the messages to see what they say and if she has deleted them or won't let me see them she is hiding something and I have my answers and I can move on 

Does this mean you find out they did have sex it will be a deal breaker for you? If so, that is ok. That is what you need to find out. If the OM has no clue what the real situation is between you and your WW then I imagine you telling him will be a surprise as well. If you do confront either brothers that you suspect, be as calm and non confrontational as possible because you will get them to tell you more if they understand you're not there to even scores, just get facts.

Welcome here, brother...

Your story sounds a lot like mine did. Change a detail here or there, send me back in time 8 years ago...

I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is that you can survive this. You can move forward, one way or another with your life to a brighter future. The bad news is that it isn't going to be easy - it will test the limits of who you are and what you are capable of. But, when you find out who you truly are it is the most rewarding experience in life you can have.

First off, let's take stock of the situation. Your wife claims the marriage isn't working, takes off, and there is evidence of another man. These are the facts, pure and simple. Anything she tells you is just perception - whether there is truth behind it, it is misdirection, or it is her justification is irrelevant. The simplest explanation that explains all of the facts without contradiction is that indeed, "there is something rotten going down".

Now, what you need to realise is that she made that choice. You did not make that choice for her. The marriage did not force her to make that choice (if she is spending her time outside of the marriage and complaining that the marriage is missing something I think it's pretty clear what that thing is). It is a choice that she made, when plenty of alternatives existed. The OM isn't even a factor in this - her choice has absolutely nothing to do with him. You see, a marriage is simply the output of what we put into it. It's not some magical, fairytale, rainbow-unicorn bullshit - it takes work and responsibility to meet your partner's emotional needs and to ensure that you are clear with what your needs are. Affairs often begin emotionally - where a spouse lacks a solid sense of inner self and looks to external validation and gets on that slippery slope to fill that void. However, it's like filling a leaky bucket - no matter how much you put into it, if the bucket is broken it won't matter. You can't blame the bike or the other wheel when the one wheel has gone flat. It's a self propogating downward spiral. There is no magic silver bullet to make everything better - you cannot control the choices she makes.

Now, the second, and more important thing to realise is that you are capable of making your own choices. The very first choice you need to make is to RESPECT yourself. Respect always, always, always begins with you. You deserve better than to be treated like shit. And if you want better than that, then you have to believe it and you have to stand up for yourself. I know how scary and confusing and panicky this can be (is scarfusicky a word?). But if you passively allow yourself to endure mistreatment, then you will be your own worst enemy. Fear is the great paralyser who's power lies only in our belief of it's importance. There are things more important than what you fear. And for something to change you need input of action - it's simple thermodynamics and it's a fuckin' law. You can take responsibility for the choices you make and for the person who you want to be.

So, what can you expect? Well your WW has the excitement of another man and the security of you. It's a pretty good deal she has going so she's not going to want any of that to change. It's also a pretty shitty thing to do as a human being, so she will tell herself all sorts of lies as to how she got her to make her guilt feel less black. She'll shift blame, deflect, distract, go on the attack, and whatever else she can to avoid looking inward (for that's where the real, hard work needs to be done).

So, how do we bring about a change? Well, you have to be willing to let go of the outcome. You have to take a stand for yourself and for what you believe. The only consequences you can enforce are those upon yourself. As hard as this is to understand, you cannot focus on the marriage - you can only focus your part going into it. You can't be all happy-flappy in the meadow if there's an oil spill and she refuses to shut the valve.

If you've been paying attention, you'll remember I mentioned that as a self responsible individual you have a choice as to who you are. Well, it's time to become the badass field general who just got shitpounded by heavy artillery - it's time to stand up and clean up because you ARE the toughest son of a bitch in this god damned pit.

The Tactical Primer is a great roadmap to follow.

1) Know your goal. Your end goal is a brighter future and for that to happen you do not want to be in a marriage with infidelity and disrespect from your partner. This can end one of two ways.

2) Know what you need to achieve your goals. For you to stay in this marriage you need your WW to i) stop the affair and contact, ii) recogonise what she did, take responsibility for her choices and the consequences thereof, and put a plan in place to ensure it never happens again, and iii)actively work to make amends to the marriage and rebuild upon a foundation of honesty/transparency, trust, and mutual and self respect. You need to see action and consistency of that action - not just empty words. The exact opposite of i-iv are the milestones towards moving forward with your life independent of her. You cannot control the situation, but you can control your choices and whether you will stay in a situation which is killing your spirit.

3) Keep your sources of information open and available.

4) Have your backup plan ready and be willing to act upon it. Consult a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row.

5) Confront your WW about what is going on. Let her know that you are aware there is something going on (without giving away your sources) and let her know that it is your preference to work on the marriage and what it is that you need from her in order for you to stay in the marriage. She is free to do what she wants, but you will move forward with your life with or without her. This reaches out to her with one hand, but at the same time asserts your rights as a human being with the other.

6) Work towards reconciliation or towards ending the marriage. These are two entirely different things and are dependent upon what she gives you to work with - you alone cannot fix a marriage. But, the one commonality is that you must learn and commit to taking care of yourself and respecting your needs. Focus on what you can control. However this goes down, you need to be the very best of who you are.

You gotta believe in yourself and keep true to who you are. Keep strong, keep smart, and honour the person you are and there is one guarantee that I will make.

- You're gonna be okay.

This will be a tough journey, but you are tougher. Your pain is real, but you will heal. Your fears are intimidating, but you are infinitely more powerful. You still exist and nothing she does can dimish that - up against all odds adversity will only strip away that which does not matter anyway and expose the core of who you are to shine brighter than ever before. It is time to find out who we are.

-ser

[This message edited by SerJR at 6:07 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

Hotrod,

Way too often here on SI we betrayed spouses set off on some doomed mission to prove the affair, to discover who the OP is, what happened, where and so on. It’s a bit like that game I played back in my youth – Cluedo – where the goal was to prove that Miss Scarlet killed the professor in the library using a lead pipe…

No need to…

What’s happening can only end in two POSITIVE ways and one NEGATIVE.

The negative is that she comes back, you resume a semblance of marriage and nothing is said or done about her time apart. Sort of like when an alcoholic stops drinking without working on his sobriety – it’s doomed to fail.

The positives are reconciliation – where ALL the hard work of why, what, when, who and all that comes to the surface – or divorce. If the later then the whys and all that really don’t matter…

You see – right now if you pressed her for a “why” you would get something empty and shallow; you didn’t pay attention, you are a terrible lover, you smell of horse-shit… whatever. She will pin the “why” on you. At best she will leave you with the totally useless “it’s not you but me”.

We BS and all WS that have gone through R know the “why” is always something in the WS. Lack of self-esteem, need for external validation… whatever. She hasn’t reached a place to admit that and if you D then chances are she never will.

So IMHO your paths depend solely on what YOU want.

If you think sex is a deal-breaker then divorce because chances are there has been sex.

If however you want to reconcile… well… be prepared to walk away.

If you want to reconcile then confront NOW.

Look – 2 year marriage, no kids… infidelity has NO factor in anything regarding a divorce.

You already have the separation and the inappropriate communications.

So simply tell her something like:

“We can’t work on our marriage while separated. Nor can we work on our marriage while you are having an inappropriate relationship with another man. I refuse to be separated while you “figure things out”. That was something you should have done before committing to marriage. If we reconcile there will be times in the future where we disagree and running away isn’t the solution.

Furthermore there is no way you can “find yourself” while having an inappropriate relationship with the OM.

You are TOTALLY FREE to see him. You can text him all day, you don’t have to keep him a secret. You can date, have sex and start a family with him. BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.

Until you come to me and tell me very clearly that you want this marriage, that you want to work things out and will move back in I’m simply assuming the marriage is over. I’m initiating the steps to terminate our marriage. There is no rush but I refuse to wait any longer.

If you do want this marriage I will need the whole truth about what you have been doing. I’m willing to work at reconciliation and making this the best marriage ever, but I am not waiting any longer for you. I am leaving infidelity”.

And that’s what you then do… Until and unless she tells you she wants the marriage and is open and truthful about what’s going on… you simply move on with the process of ending your marriage.

Finally… Other than deciding if you want to R or D then infidelity really doesn’t give us options… It’s sort of like if you break your leg. No matter how you wish it hadn’t happened your leg is still broken. You might try to walk on it but the protruding bones will be a constant reminder it’s broken. It’s not as if you have to get the truth about whether it was the brick you stumbled on or the step you missed that will let you better understand it’s broken. It’s not until you get the bones set, the leg plastered and take your medicine that healing starts. It’s the same with your marriage: Like it or not your wife has separated and is having an inappropriate relationship. That’s just the same reality as the broken leg.

(((hotrod)))) you have gotten some wonderful advice...

The first days, weeks and months after d-day are so so painful...it just sucks, its not fair and it just hurts...

I would caution you about what you want to know.....once you see something you can never unsee it....for me, i needed to see it all, hear it all and wanted to know it all....i still don't....

your sich, while not unique has its own unique twists....remember you are not alone, there are thousands of us.....and we all KNOW that intense pain....so reach out here and in real life, this is when you need your friends....and si, is an absolute life saver....post here as often as you need..

read the healing library, it will help you gain some perspective which i am sure at this time is an absolute mess...

eat, hydrate and get out of the house if you can

do not confront until you know what you want, and in front of a counselor is fabulous idea......

if you are able, create all scenarios in your head or on paper....figure out what you need from her, and read the healing library for the basics...and prepare yourself if she decides she doesn't want to do what it takes....do not give an ulitmatum, unless you are and will carry it through...it will only set you up for future hurts....

we all hope and wish our ws's will step up the "way we want them to and expect them to" very rarely does this happen....and if she does, are you ready to really work it through, would you want to......do you still want the marriage....

and honestly....i thinks if she wants it, you could give it 6 months and see, really really "see" if you can live with it.....you more then likely regret not giving it a chance, HOWEVER...she must give it her all....if she doesn't step up....you will never find peace, happiness or security within the relationship....

there is also a thread that might be quite helpful...in the I can relate forum, is a thread primarily for betrayed men.....ask them whatever you need and make sure you let them know that you are a newbie...

you will get through this!!! it will take time, but you will get there!!!

Hey, you,

Listen to the good advice you get here. Much wisdom. I'm seven years out, and the friends you make here are the best. Sending huge mojo to you.

Take Biggers advice.

Why on earth would you want to work on your marriage with a liar and a cheater.

You can confront all you want.

Or

You can hand her divorce papers and wish her the best.

That is what you really should do.

Let her go. It can be empowering.

HM