SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everybody. While this is my first post here, I must confess that I have been lurking here for a while. In the runup to DDay, I found this site quite by accident; but just reading the stories of others has been SO inspirational to me, and the perspectives I have learned have helped me so very much. Thank you, everybody, for sharing your deeply personal experiences and opinions and perspectives. My own detailed personal story is on my profile.

I am a little bit past 3 months post DDay, and my story is not any more or less painful than the hundreds of personal stories I have read here. I have been amazed at just how similar the "script" can be regarding infidelity.

I would like to ask your perspectives on a specific item. The pain of my own betrayal is still very fresh and raw. Nevertheless, the TT I experienced from WW lasted only about 48 hours. While WW was clearly in the "fog" at the time of discovery, it seemed to lift after only one month or so; in addition, while I was quite ready to immediately S after disclosure, and actually had the resources to do so, WW and I decided very soon after DDay that we really wanted to stay together.

WW has done all the "right" things. We have read all the appropriate books, and each of us in IC. MC is in our very near future.

And, while the pain is still fresh and raw, WW and I seem to be much "further along" in our decision to commit to R than so many others seem to be at this stage.

Don't get me wrong... I still harbor a LOT of resentment over WW's LTA, and a lot of hatred toward the AP/OM; I still have bad days, and experience the occasional trigger... but each day seems to be easier and easier, and our feelings of love toward each other seem to be growing as well.

We've learned about the Love Languages, and we each are attuned to making daily Love Bank deposits (that book was transformational for me!). We have been open and honest with our feelings, and WW has been forthcoming with ANY and every need that I have had regarding my own healing.

After only 3 months, I truly feel that WW and I are well on are way to a very successful R. I am very aware of rugsweeping, and I feel sure that we have not done this. Is this normal? To feel this far along at this point post DDay? I would appreciate hearing from other BS's about your experiences and perspectives on this. Thank you!

You are a very good writer, as I just finished reading your story. Each relationship is different and the internal workings of a marriage vary; so if you feel hopeful and loved, you know better than us. The sheer length of the EA amazes me that was concurrent through most of your marriage. I commend you for moving forward...I personally would have a hard time dealing with that. My husband does not bond emotionally when cheating, and I can honestly say I don't know if that is better or worse. I worry daily that he will revert to his old ways, and if I go a couple of hours without displayed affection from him, I get anxious. It sounds like you and your wife love each other. What happened to the OM? Was he married too?

I, too, have often felt that fWW & I were "ahead of the curve". Still, every now and again, I'll have a bad emotional crash. IC (EMDR) really helped me.

You sound like us; we did a lot of reading early on & etc.

I'm rooting for you, Silver. Keep posting. The key, I'm finding, is communication. Communication, communication, communication!

Best,

Noferrari-

Thank you for your kind words!The EA actually began as a friendly acquaintance that quickly escalated. WW LOVES to receive attention, and certainly has a strong streak of selfishness and entitlement (said with Love). Fact is, she had ended the 2 year PA about one year prior to DDay, and I truly believe that, after that, she simply could not figure out how to extricate herself from the mess in which she found herself. She has shared her journal from that period of time, and this is very apparent. In some ways, DDay was a blessing for the both of us.

OM is married, 12 years my junior, with 3 children. His presence, and his "friendship" with WW was never kept as a secret from me. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be gaslighted by the both of them for so, so long.

CanoeVA-

I have been reading your posts from my very first visit to SI, and I have gained so much insight from the wisdom of your words and experience. WW and I are both avid readers. "Not Just Friends" was one of our first reads post DDay.

Thank you for your words of support! And I agree with you- Communication IS key. That, I now realize, was something that was painfully missing in my M for so many years. Things are very different now.

I just wish that none of us would have to deal with the incredibly painful things with which we are all having to deal... but I'm certainly thankful for having this forum to help with the growth and healing.

Sorry for your situation SilverEagle, but you and WW now appear to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

First of all, has OM's wife been made aware of the affair?

Secondly, in your profile, you said

AP/OM has shown his true colors as their affair has come to light...

Can you expand on this statement since this could be a crucial factor in deciding whether or not WW ever wants to have another A in the future.

What you have to keep in mind after the discovery of a spouse's A is that your marriage will never be the same again and even though you two seem to have ironed out your communication problems, every time she is late from work or she does not keep you posted on where she is or what she is doing, your trust meter goes haywire. Be aware that this feeling is normal and it will take a few years to go away.

I wish you the best in your R

((SilverEagle))

I find your first post very encouraging!

VERY happy for you, your FWW and your marriage!

Marbou888, or anyone else - would you say that if WS still harbours positive feelings towards the AP and thinks that what he did "helped" him, that could lead to other affairs in the future? I mean would you say that it would be a requisite that they see AP in a truly negative light?

Silver eagle

The statement you made about "not being a victim" is powerful.

That could be why you feel you are so far ahead with your WW and a reconciliation.

Does the On my way! Know about the EA/PA and the length of it?

What consequences has your wife felt since DDay?

And what boundaries have you both agreed to going forward in your relationship at this time?

HM

SilverEagle, welcome. I'm glad that you found us and that you've come out of lurking. I hope that you'll keep on participating on the site!

It sounds like your WW is doing the right things and you both are making forward process. That's wonderful! I'm happy to hear about it. Communication is a key, most definitely. Working to understand each other, yourselves, and reaching out to each other is the way to go. I will be frank, though. It's too early for you to trust completely. While being open is great and can be helpful/healing for you, you do need to still be in the trust but verify mode, and likely will need to be for some time to come. It's really rare that there is only one "reason" for infidelity only one issue that when brought to the light of day, is the Ah Ha reason for a person to step outside of their marriage. Even with IC, it can take some time to get under that reason, that why, and expose the tangled roots of dysfunction. And without chopping those roots out, an unexpected malignant weed can easily grow the next time there are stressors.

I invite you to read my (sorry, rather lengthy) profile. My FWH was the ideal wayward bent on reconciliation. Until those un-chopped out roots of his started shooting weeds of what turned out to be his addiction. All while we were both in IC and MC. As a matter of fact, we had graduated from MC. So his issues were so deeply hidden by him, that he managed to keep them from me, his IC, and our MC. Please understand that I am not saying that this IS the case for you and your WW. What I am saying is to please don't be so happy that things are going well in your R, that you stop digging. Get to the bottom. Excavate the entire hole and get that entire rootball out of the ground. Trust but verify for a very long time. You owe it to yourself and to your marriage.

And again, welcome. We're all glad that you're here and we're all here to support you.

Opinions please: as I've mentioned in a couple posts I've made, my WH was friends with his AP since grade school - they reconnected a couple years ago with an entire group of kids that all went to that school and about a year ago took the friendship over the boundaries into a PA/EA. After a month of talk and tears following our DDay, he went NC and has maintained it, blocking her numbers, etc. And I check! But they were friends first and for so long - he still cares about her and misses her. He says he doesn't miss the sexual part of the relationship, but the friendship part. Whatever. But, that said, our reconciliation is progressing well (maybe because after 34 years of marriage we just KNOW each other so well?) I don't think I can make his regarding his AP as a horrible, hateful person a condition of our reconciliation, unfortunately.

Silver Eagle: we're pretty much ahead of the curve, too - D-Day was less than 4 months ago and we are both pretty sure we're going to make it. There are bumps and bad days and tears - we're adjusting to the fact that it will never be what it was before his adultery - but we're working at being better - each to be what the other person needs and wants instead of so focused on self.

[This message edited by Tryingtobestrong at 11:37 AM, July 6th (Monday)]

Hi Silver Eagle. Glad to hear that you are doing so well. I fully agree with Skan's post. You and WW should keep working, even if things seem terrific. You will both benefit as will your M.

And also don't beat yourself up if you find yourself having a bad day, week or even month. R is a long road and it is not linear! Honor your feeling and try not to tell yourself that you're backsliding if you find yourself angry or depressed or apathetic for an extended period of time. It's all part of the healing process.

SilverEagle,

You asked:

Is this normal? To feel this far along at this point post DDay?

My honest answer is yes - as long as there are no surprises. I think I initially felt like H and I were doing great about 3 or 4 months into R and then OW contacted me. And my world fell apart, pushing what I believed was a truly successful R back almost to square 1. She filled in the blanks, so to speak, of hers and my H's LTA. TT continued for another 6 to 8 months. BUT, and this is the big "BUT" here, H and I do love each other - very much - and I believe we will make it. Why? Communication, communication, communication.

Like you, we discovered each other's Love Languages and make sure our love tanks stay full. We also went to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend and now we try to "dialogue" at least a few days a week. This has been a lifesaver, as we continue to alternate on choosing topics (first him, then me, then him again, etc) and have, in this manner, flushed out some very difficult issues. Dialoging involves both of you writing about a topic of your choice for 10 to 15 minutes and then getting together and sharing (followed by discussing) what you wrote.

It sounds like you two are on the right track and I wish you the very best!!

SilverEagle,

Thank you for posting this inquiry as I have been wondering some similiar things about my own circumstances and the DD and TT dates from my WH are very fresh indeed.

As I have immersed myself wholeheartedly into the pages of this forum, I have felt I have found a safehaven of insight into this very horrid mess I have been dumped into. I have had fears both calmed and realized as I read the accounts of others. My heart goes out to everyone here.

Naturally, as I read of false Rs and the trials and set backs that have occurred to others I have seriously wondered if my WH and I are actually in R or if it is just some major optimism on my part. I'm not certain, still. WH said he wanted to be with me the minute I found "The Email" and that he never did not want our marriage. Confusing as I later found a message to OW during their A that he "didn't want to be married" the next time they would get to be together. That day never happened as I found out just before it could take place. This wasn't found out until during TT. So, he ended it with OW and started NC but he works with her so he assures me when they do speak that it is only about business.

I am continually, doggedly and wearily worried that I will find out they are still communicating inappropriately. This goes for the fact that I am scared he won't put forth what it takes to help us get through all that we must to make it.

Please keep posting updates as you give me hope that even early on Rs can happen and that we all are going through our own timeliness on our crazy coasters.

I truly feel that WW and I are well on are way to a very successful R.

I think that is the key, what I put in italics. You're tracking.

I would just caution...caution. YOu are in the post-DDay honeymoon, so to speak. A re-energized commitment that equals in intensity perhaps the initial marriage. Just as the initial honeymoon was hard to sustain, this one will by necessity eventually throttle back. Yet the memories will remain, ready to be pulled out and stared at in response to perceived slights and other triggers. They keep their awesome power.

I'm glad to hear of your forward progress. I remind myself daily that no marriage is so strong that it can't be brought to its knees in a second through infidelity. Tough lesson to learn, but it's made me a better husband I think.

Wow. I am at the same time humbled and uplifted by all the responses to my first post. Thank you all for your kind words, and also for your perspectives. It really means a lot to me!

Marbou888-

OM is a Deputy Sheriff, 6'4", muscular, fearless. During the 2 days of TT immediately post DDay, WW contacted him via text. She let him know that it was apparent that I was fully aware of ALL the details of their affair. (I had been in stealth mode for a while, and I was aware of this communication). WW told him that it was her intention to fully come clean, and wanted him to do the same. She pointed out to him that this was the first crisis that they were facing, that their relationship would necessarily have to come to an immediate end, as she hoped to salvage her own M,and she wanted the both of them to face the consequences honorably, with both of their respective BS's.

OM chose to run. He told her that he considered himself to be the "victim" in this crisis. He told WW to "go back home and salvage your marriage," but made it clear that he would not subject himself to any consequences, that he was prepared to deny everything, as "coming clean" would potentially place his marriage, his job, his career, and his standing in the community at great risk. Essentially, he left WW twisting in the wind. It was in this manner that he showed his "true colors" to WW.

Your last post contradicts itself. He's not fearless as you imply. He's a cowardly piglet.

Have you exposed the affair to his wife and at the police department? Have you exposed it to your families?

Still early days in your R. Trust but verify and don't be overtly optimistic.

You don't have to be afraid of the pig just because he's in uniform.

Kronos,

agreed. His uniformed presence is outwardly fearless, but when it came down to it, he was just another gutless cheater. I did not, and do not fear him. There is very little that I actually DO fear. And though I am only 6' tall, and not all that muscular, and 14 years his senior, I am a confident individual, and quite capable of holding my own.

Contrary to much advice posted on these pages, I felt that it was my obligation... as a MAN... to confront him. And when I did, for 90 minutes I faced a 6'4" muscular, crying, sniveling, whimpering coward, who kept calling me "Sir" and, when I finished beating him up emotionally, left as a broken man. With a sidearm. And still crying. It was pathetic.

Did you tell his wife though?

Because you or your wife really needs to tell his wife.

What a shame you did not record the confrontation with him.

You could have sent that to her.