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My WS seems to be trying very hard to work on our relationship. He finally seems remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to help me, however, he is still refusing to take a polygraph. He talked to his IC about it and she told him in her experience they really don't help much. He's read alot on them and there are studies that show false "guilty" results based on test giver bias and influence. I believe he is afraid to take it because he fears the test could give a false result. I can understand his fear and I don't doubt that can occur. My feeling is, however, that just the mere act of him taking the test would show me he is willing to do absolutely anything to help me heal and begin working on rebuilding trust. Of course, I also worry that he's still hiding something and doesn't want it to come out. He knows this is a sticking point with me and I'm not sure how far I can move forward without it. Like I said, I understand his anxiety over it. He also feels that even if he does take it, it won't be enough for me. Any advice?

He should be willing to do anything you need him to do to move forward.

I'd remind him that if he didn't cheat, he would not have to do this. He cheated, you need it, so there should be absolutely no question as to whether he agrees or not.

BTW, how do you know for sure that his therapist told him they don't help much. A good therapist, IMO, would advise him to do whatever the BS needs to heal.

What does he believe the consequence is of a false positive?

What is the consequence of refusing to take the polygraph?

I'm not sure I see that he has anything to lose by giving you what you ask.

[This message edited by devotedfool68 at 2:16 PM, February 2nd, 2016 (Tuesday)]

False guilty results are rare....they are usually a result of ambiguous questions and inexperienced test administrators.. My WH was nervous as hell and sweeting bullets and he passed with very high certainty.

His refusal means he had sex with her and doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. I personally would not live with that. I would tell him it's the polygraph or divorce papers and see what he does.

I hate to say it, but it's probably because he is still hiding things from you. My h refused for the same reasons, and I kept digging and found more ap, then the Ashley Madison dump happened, and not only was his name on the list, but he paid, and paid, and paid. That's why he didn't want to take it. Silly me, worried about the 1 ow.

He talked to his IC about it and she told him in her experience they really don't help much.

And how much does refusing to take one "help"?

I believe he is afraid to take it because he fears the test could give a false result.

Look... this is true. Polygraphs are not entirely reliable. Taking it multiple times with different test administrators can reduce the instances of false positives. It's just expensive.

Mostly, though, it's just beside the point. Refusal to take a polygraph is already a "guilty" result for the BS.

I don't think he has much of a choice.

DB70 - My WH has been very remorseful and working hard on R..(aka Kissing my ass 24/7), but he was still withholding important details and lying until I pushed for the polygraph!! I got not one, but two polygraphs and I would do a third if I felt I still didn't have the answers that I wanted and deserved!

My counselor didn't think it was a good idea either! I love her and respect her opinion, but truth be told....getting the poly was the best thing I have done for my recovery in the last 11 months!!!!

I put it off for too long and now that it's done, I have turned a corner that I've been stuck at for a very long time!!!

My WH never bucked the poly, he just didn't think I'd follow thru!!! If you want it....don't let anyone talk you out of it!!! I got to the bottom of my husband's ugly A barrel with polygraphs!!!

My only regret....waiting too long!!!!

Do it for you!!!

willing to do whatever it takes to help me, however, he is still refusing to take a polygraph.

These two notions are irreconcilable. He's willing to do whatever it takes, except some stuff he doesn't want to do. Not good.

He also feels that even if he does take it, it won't be enough for me.

A Cheater's Handbook move.

Who gives a shit what he thinks. It's YOUR call to make.

Set your condition (Poly)

Set the consequence for failure to meet the condition (D?)

Follow through.

I will tell you, the details of my husband's affair that he has given me, as painful as they were to hear, did help me heal tremendously. Waywards don't understand that. They just want to cover their ass,and don't understand that it's holding back R. I have actually made peace with what he's talked to me about. It's the lies that still eat at me. The thinks that I know that he does not know I know.

Getting a polygraph will help you heal.

[This message edited by mharris at 2:32 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

i can understand his concerns, i know from my studies that polygraphs do get it wrong. our tutor had one in class and he was able to barefaced lie through the whole thing. i'm confident after that lecture that i would read as lying even if i was not purely because of my underlying mental health. i don't know the law in america, but despite numerous petitions polygraphs are not considered evidence at any stage of UK law due to the rate of inaccuracy being too high to base a conviction on. so i personally would be hesitant to base my marriage on the results of one. however, his refusal to do one is a more focused matter than that of their wider general value. its easier to fool a polygraph into thinking you are not lying than that you are and a false reading of a lie does mean that the answer you have given has caused 'discomfort', so even if it calls him on a lie falsely. it will still highlight areas of discomfort in the answers he gives, which are areas you can focus on in counselling. personally i would explain that the results of not doing one are worse than any result that could come from doing one as you can't move on without it but the results at least give you somewhere to move on from.

Have you discussed this with his IC? This could just be him talking and not his IC. I say you need to talk directly to his IC. The poly will help you heal and him failing the poly won't be much worse then him refusing it.

For 14 months my husband did everything he was supposed to do. I told him last week I wanted a poly. Since, we've gone from one woman to 4 and so much info I could write a book. Tonight is the poly.

My advice, insist on the poly.

We wasted a ton of marriage counseling and he wasted a lot of individual counseling, lying. Our marriage counselor believed him.

as an addition, excuse my slightly nonsensical post above, i'm poorly and changed my mind halfway through writing it.

2Steps...

I am praying for strength and truth for you tonight!!! After the last couple of weeks that we have had.... I say the polygraph shall set you free!!!!

I hope you get the answers you need and the truth you deserve!!!!!

My WW clearly had an EA, but there was a question I had about one point. It was important because they met at a hotel, though my wife swore up and down it was just for lunch.

So I wanted a polygraph. She refused saying that they are insulting and unreliable. She said, "over my dead body!"

Well months and months went by and I kept bringing it up.

The affair was over and at last she relented.

Two days before the polygraph she confessed to having intercourse, but it was just once and she realized her mistake and got out of there after just a couple minutes.

Then she failed the polygraph.

Then she confessed to 3 instances of sex.

Then I had more questions about a few points.

She refused the second polygraph saying the first one was a horrible experience and that she was in there for three hours and it HURT so much and was so degrading...

I scheduled it.

A few days before, she confessed to having more screwing sessions than she could remember (but less than 6) over a much longer period of time.

The poly came and she confessed double the length of the PA and under 13 hookups in hotels and at his house. More horrible information came out. She passed the polygraph after admitting that information.

So it was a horrible and drawn out process that took many months. But I needed to truth, all of it, so I could process and accept it. I may not be able to forgive, but I can at least move forward now that I have the truth.

Good luck DB70

I appreciate all of the feedback. I know I'm only hurting myself trying to justify his fears on taking a polygraph. If the tables were turned, I would take the test to prove I was being honest and not hiding anything else. I just want so badly to be able to trust him. I tried using the D word to get him to take it and he didn't budge. I think I'm scared he still wouldn't budge even if I produced actual D papers. He can be an extremely stubborn person. He was supposed to talk about this subject with his IC again today, because it's such an important topic for me. When I asked if he did, "I knew I forgot something". He's going to send his IC an email telling her he wants to discuss it at their next meeting on Monday. Blah, blah, blah. I'm having a hard time understanding why 25 years isn't reason enough to just take the stupid test. He claims he doesn't want to lose me, but this is not convincing me. I really don't want to give up on my marriage just yet. I've told him over and over and over that if there's anything else he's not telling me, he just needs to tell me because somehow I WILL find out. I will be able to handle bad news better coming straight from him than from finding it on my own. Why isn't that getting through to him?

I have told this story before, but it is on point here. Senor Goblet had been on the phone multiple times with a woman I had thought was a friend of mine. She was clearly after a 'deeper' relationship with him, I was not happy.

One day, I challenged him about the relationship. He swore he was innocent of anything beyond trying to help her. I said, would you take a poly to prove it? Right away he said yes, he was more than willing. He wanted to prove his innocence.

I then mentioned other women I had questions about. He suddenly started to back off, saying they weren't reliable, it wasn't a good idea, blah, blah, blah. It turned out he was innocent with her, with the others, not so much.

The moral of the story? In my experience, innocent people will be willing to take a poly, guilty ones won't.

Keep it simple.

Like a PP said, tell him he has two choices - refuse the polygraph, or divorce.

Don't argue, justify, explain, etc. You don't owe him that at all.

He should be willing to do ANYTHING like he told you, no caveats.

Why can't I just walk away like I always said I would if I was ever in this situation? This sucks!

My 2c...

I wouldn't take one either. They are unreliable at best and when that's combined with some moron who got his bit of "I'm qualified" paper off the back of a Kellogs box after handing in his 6 tokens, the results are about as reliable as a one armed brick layer in Bahgdad.

Ultimately it comes down to the interpretations of the "operator" as he see's it, which will vary from operator to operator depending on whether or not his wife passed or failed the calibration/set up test of the machine before you walked in there.

Even in a perfect world without the variables of machine calibration, mechanics of the stylus etc and all other things aside - It's a known, proven and accepted fact that anyone who watches a youtube instructional and has a little bit of self confidence can skew the results however they like.