SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife came to me the other night and said she needed to talk with me. She asked why I needed to ask strangers why she was so depressed. Turns out she has been reading my posts for a while. She has actually been reading here for years. Our story is pretty specific and wasn't too hard figure out it was us.

She was very upset, and actually angry that I have been holding on to all of this anger and hurt that have come out in my posts. She said she knew things were not good, but not so bad that I would pull the plug. She has a point in that we haven't talked about the affair for the last few years. We did however beat it to death the first couple of years and we just went on with life. I frankly was sick of the whole thing.

At first I was upset she had read everything, but that went away as I didn't say anything here i couldn't say to her. In a way I was happy to see her angry as she has been so passive and not the women I married for the last years. I have said before the balance of power shifted after DDay and it probably wasn't a good thing.

She really doesn't like this place much as she blames it for our upcoming separation and divorce. She was angry that i came here complaining of her not being in shape in my first post (I have gotten over that) and the site gave me the focus to not keep living a life in which neither of us was truly happy. This led to my decision to separate and divorce. She also was crying about how all of these other men can forgive, and I cannot. How can I say on this site that she has been a model spouse since DDay and not give her another chance? Of course I felt like shit.

However, it doesn't change the fact that I can't forget. Its not a matter of a second chance or her, it is me. I am not wired like the other guys here who have reconciled. I say this knowing they are stronger and probably better men than me.

Have other BS had there WS found them here? Did it help or hurt their progress?

I hope to keep posting, it just will be a little strange knowing she will see everything including this.

Please don't tell yourself that those who can R are better or stronger men than you. It's not true. You are strong for even trying to wade through this pain.

Infidelity ruins marriages. Period. Even the ones that were able to be rebuilt, the original marriage is ruined.

I don't think my WH cares enough to try to find me here, but I know he gets nervous when I'm reading, because usually something on here triggers a question. I can see he's uneasy.

I hope you're at peace with the decision you've made, and can move forward with your life. . Sometimes it's just not possible to rebuild. I think we all understand that.

Good luck with everything.

Even as a BS, I can understand being upset about seeing yourself talked about and many times trashed by some of the members here -- but the truth is you wouldn't be here at all if she hadn't cheated. This place has been the only outlet for me to get things off my chest and commiserate with people in similar situations. It's kept me at least somewhat level-headed about what I'm going through.

She is not married to the other guys on this site, she is married to YOU. The only thing that matters is if you can get past it, and if the answer is 'no', then she should respect your decision. That's is a risk she was willing to take when she cheated.

In the end, how she behaves now has nothing to do with it. You have tried and discovered that her previous actions were a deal breaker for you- that is something not everyone knows right away--some people give it time in the hopes they will feel better as time moves on. That is an admirable quality and it's not weak of you at all to realize this now instead of spending the next 40 years in a marriage that isn't going to work for you.

It is good that she is doing everything to be a model partner. It will be good practice for her in a new future relationship that has not been tainted by her past behavior. In the end, everyone makes different kinds of mistakes in their life and must accept the consequences. But that doesn't detract from the value of building new memories, new behaviors etc. we are the sum of all our past behavior. over time if she continues to be a good person and a good like partner for someone in

the future, the things she did in your relationship will become a smaller portion of all her experiences.

My heart goes out to you both

I find it incredibly sad when there is a truly remorseful WS who does all they can to try and reconcile the marriage but for that BS it is just a dealbreaker. We are all different, we process things differently, we feel things differently. It isn't like you haven't tried, waitedwaytoolong, you did give it a chance. You are not happy. You feel maybe you can be happy if divorced. Maybe you will be, maybe you won't. But you do know you aren't happy being married to your WW any longer. (eta: at least the way it is right now)

That is the horrible, tragic risk a WS takes when they decide to conduct an affair. They are all so sure they won't get caught that they don't fully assess the risks/consequences of their behaviour.

I feel so sad for both you and Mrs.waitedwaytoolong. The end of a marriage/family is nothing to celebrate. I can only wish you both peace and serenity going forward on your healing journey's.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:35 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]

waitedwaytoolong:

I have followed your story from the beginning. You have said you are not wired like other men. Let me give you a fact. NO TWO MEN ARE WIRED THE SAME. There is always a difference somewhere.

One man will do one thing in a certain situation and another man will do the opposite in the same situation. What you do in your situation is going to be boiled down to the answers to three questions.

(1) Do you love your wife?

(2) Are you going to be better off mentally, emotionally, and physically, living with her or without her?

(3) Do you feel in your inner most being that she deserves a second chance?

Answer these three questions with all the honesty you have and you will have the answer to what you want and what is best for you. Don't let your pride and hurt ego let you do something you will be sorry for in the future. I say this because I have let my pride hurt me before. It's not a good feeling. I wish you well.

Actions, meet consequences. You wouldn't be here talking about her if she hadn't cheated. Perhaps she should have thought more about that before she lifted her skirt to someone else.

You are no less than anyone here because you can't reconcile. Infidelity is a deal breaker for some. You tried. You can't do more than that.

We did however beat it to death the first couple of years and we just went on with life. I frankly was sick of the whole thing.

I am not wired like the other guys here who have reconciled.

Maybe it has more to do with you how you two handled things in the beginning (Not having outside support , bad MC , No IC then ...etc) than it has to do with brain wiring (the brain is more plastic than you think). The lack of communication in the last few years didn't help you , you were letting all those bad feeling and thoughts accumulate inside and eat you up.

Her being remorseful was a necessary but not sufficient condition for R. It also needs you to deal , mainly on your own , with the anger and resentment that was building up inside you in a constructive .

It may be too late , but maybe not , you should spend the remaining time you have together talking (in a constructive manner) about everything you two have on your chests (the bad , the good ,the very bad, whatever), and both listen to each other with as little interruption and judgement as possible . Even if you still end up divorcing that would really help you and her in the future .

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 7:53 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]

Her reading here might give you the opportunity to be totally honest with her (opening up).

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 7:59 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]

There are other cases of both spouses being on. I think it's rare that one 'discovers' another, but not unheard of. I can't cite any of the latter, but others may be able to.

You still sound, if not uncertain, definitely pretty contemplative, and say things which suggest you are comparing yourself to others . . . which, contrary to the advice of some, I would suggest is okay. It's one tool of many. When you suggest others are 'stronger' and 'better' - I would ask, Do you WANT to be a 'stronger' and 'better' man in that particular way? Does your definition of these terms involve forgiveness, or merely acceptance, or something else?

Hopefully your IC has been through a lot of this with you. There are other things to examine if some part of you really wants to keep things together . . . but that may not be what's best for you . . . or her.

You mention not being able to 'forget'. I think that's a good thing. Not being able 'accept' is another thing, which can be good or bad.

Do you want to find a way to accept (while never forgetting) her actions? Do you wish that you didn't feel so bad about the actions that they cause you to abandon the marriage? (And yes, I realize the majority will say the spouse who 'cheated' abandoned the marriage . . . which is really not completely true. In reality, legally, the one who decides the FINAL, LEGAL outcome of the marriage SHOULD be the BS, and that FINAL outcome is either the BS giving the gift of repairing the union or 'abandoning' it.)

It seems to me (I could be wrong) that you have tried as hard (if not harder and longer) than most. You know best what you can and can't accept. The last questions (for you, not for us)are - What do you think is best for your whole family? If so, and you're choosing a path that is for you, but not for the family - will that bother you long term? Do you want to find a way to keep the marriage badly enough to change some aspects of who you are (re-wire yourself differently)? Do you perhaps feel guilty because your spouse was willing to make such changes, but you don't think you can? That's an unfair way to look at it, since you're not the one who messed up, but there it is.

Your IC probably covered all (and more) this with you, so sorry if I just repeated a bunch of it.

I hope you continue to post and ask questions as any uncertainties arise, and whatever your choice, the opinions of someone of your experience I'm sure will be helpful. Your wife's might prove useful too.

[This message edited by c24j at 8:16 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]

waitedwaytoolong, have you tried Retrouvaille? It has saved many a couple on the brink of divorce. If it is available where you live I would give it a shot. What do you have to lose but a weekend? The cost varies, but they depend on donations as opposed to set fees other than the initial deposit when signing up.

One of the couples that was helping to lead our weekend were one week away from finalizing their divorce. The wife begged the husband to give it a chance. He had his mind made up that he was going to divorce but he figured he had nothing to lose by going. It saved their marriage.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:22 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]

I think she has a right to be angry. It's been years since you've shared your true feelings with your wife. You say she's remorseful, and has done everything right,so I'm not sure why you felt you.couldn't tell her how you were feeling.

You are not required to reconcile with your fww. But, I think you want to.

Maybe, instead of separating, you could start this R over. This time..share how you feel with her. Encourage her to sign up here and post. Start communicating again. You might find out that you can be very happy with her again...but only if YOU stop rugsweeping.

Others have found their spouses here. In fact one just did a week or two ago.

You gave her 5 years to fix and she should have used them better,

This board did not break up her marriage, her affair did. It is the risk one takes when having on a.

It is curious to me that she says she has been reading on here for years, but never decided to share it with you. Did she post or ever bring articles for you to read or talk about items or topics she related to?

In all honesty, that which I stated above ^^^ & your post today makes me think that you two maybe went through the A aftermath and trauma, but didn't come out of it with any new tools to figure out how to communicate, be vulnerable, etc.

I don't know your story, so yeah, maybe her actions are a deal breaker and it just took you time to process it or maybe you are waiting for a some sort of breakthrough from her or you. Maybe this is the breakthrough...

On another note, don't compare your recovery to anyone else's. I remember talking to my IC and saying the BSes in Reconciliation are just so much more evolved than me as a human being. I just don't have that same potential. But I have learned, it's okay, because you will handle it the best way YOU can.

(My WH joined SI and figured out who I was within the first day. Many of my early posts were TMI, so he was initially taken back with the details I shared. I just smiled and .)

If she is still reading this I wonder why she saw through your posts that you were still in pain and she did not approach you?

It does always make me wonder how someone can cheat and lie and not understand that they were gambling with our lives. Your line in the sand may have finally been drawn. I would though speak with her and discuss all of this. I can say that in my marriage we did not discuss for years as I had given up. Two years ago we started to finally speak the truth to each other. We are in reconciliation now. Of course it's still a roller coaster and one I never bought a ticket for.

I have seen other couples here that are both on SI. Some allow or encourage their spouse to read their posts, while others request privacy and the ability to vent freely.

She also was crying about how all of these other men can forgive, and I cannot. How can I say on this site that she has been a model spouse since DDay and not give her another chance? Of course I felt like shit.

Classic blame shifting. She's been reading for years and hasn't said anything until now that its over. She's looking for anything to blame for the end of your M besides her A.

Its disturbing to me that your WW was keeping it secret from you that she read your posts. As just about any BS will tell you, its the continued lying and keeping secrets that kills a marriage. Those are not the actions of a "model spouse." She gets no sympathy from me.

Thinking your not strong for not reconciling with your cheating ex is crazy brother. I am sorry but I actually feel the opposite I think it takes more strength to be true to yourself and to have self respect and boundaries that once crossed are impossible to come back from. You have to look in that mirror everyday, nobody else. Strength to you. Sorry I could not help with your ex reading on here, I never had that situation nor the opportunity to reconcile from my remorseless ex but I can promise you I would never have !

I think it's pretty clear that her affair was a deal breaker for you. I think that if she truly loved you and cared about your best interest, she would set aside her own feelings and prioritize your happiness even though that means cutting her loose. I think you've been honest here and she got to read how you really felt about it. Sometimes I wish that WS would be just as honest and admit that he didn't want to be married anymore. Sometimes I think that might be the only real truth in any of this mess. And then I would walk away knowing that I can't be in love with someone who doesn't love me.

waitedwaytoolong,

Your wife cheated on you, now the ball is in your court.

She no longer has any say on how you want to proceed with the M whether you want to D or R.

I agree with others that what your wife is doing is blame shifting.

So sorry that you are going through this.

Waited,

There is that scene in Forest Gump where he and Jenny are walking around thier old stomping grounds. And they come to the house where she grew up and where her father sexually abused her.

She starts picking up rocks and throwing them at the house as she cries, "How could you?" Once she falls weeping to the ground Forest narrates and says, "Sometimes I guess, there are just not enough rocks."

Sometimes it just cannot be fixed. For what ever reason.

People can specuate that if you and your WW had done this or that maybe it would have worked out. But the reality is, it did not work out.

That is not on you. Do not victimize yourself by taking the blame. You are already the vicitm of a horrible act. No need to pile unnecessary guilt on top of it. You may feel it is somehow your fault, but those feelings are not reality.

According to a colleague of mine who is a long time MC/IC, statistically when a wife is the cheater, approx 50% of those marriages end in divorce. If there are no young kids involved the precentage goes up.

This site has a large group, some would say a majority, of members either trying to R or who have sucessfully R'ed. So if you compare yourself to this group instead of the population at large, you might feel like you did not measure up. But you are squarely in the bell curve of society.

As other posters are have said, her cheating is the reason you are here in the first place. You did not ask to be a part of this scene.