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I don't want to go into details, but has anyone decided not to confess prior to being found out. What if is was a one time incident, and you know it will never happen again.

[This message edited by anxietydepressio at 7:11 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Here's the thing. If you confess, it will never hang over your head again. People rarely keep absolute secrets. You could be revealed. By telling, you are saying, I did this terrible thing. Because I care about our marriage and I respect your right to know the state of our marriage, I am telling you.

Sometimes in order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. This will color everything you do IN your marriage and how you view your husband.

If I wouldn’t have been found out by my H, I would have never told him. Ever. I actually still stand by that. Your life is completely changed after. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.

It was a drunken one night mistake that I regret immensely. Like sick to my stomach regret. It was about 3 months ago. We have two young kids. And I am very close to them.

A few more things...

Your screen name is anxiety and depression. Your spouse is aware of this, I'm sure.

Your spouse's gut is likely flipping.

It's hard to live an authentic life while keeping secrets. They are like wounds that heal on the top, but fester and rot underneath.

If she's asked you what's up and you've lied, understand that it's not so much the affair in and of itself that ends the marriage (or in your case, a drunken ONS), it's the fact that you look someone in the eye and lie right to their face despite everything. It's even worse if you swear on your kids.

Being drunk is no excuse, I really hate when people say that. I was a black out alcoholic and I know from experience the only difference between a drunk act and a sober act is that alcohol lowers your inhibitions. If you had more nerve, you'd of done it sober.

Have you considered quitting drinking? If not, you should.

No she hasn't asked me. And no I haven't sworn on my kids.

My kids are the biggest reason I have kept this in. I don't want to hurt them.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:57 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

I am just so scared to lose my kids. I know alcohol isn't an excuse. Heck I don't even really know what happened. I passed out and woke up next to someone and panic set in. I feel like my life is over. It's the pit of hell and I can't escape. Do I even deserve to escape.......

There is no such thing as a "one time thing that will never happen again". Not without change.

Don't misunderstand me. Maybe you will never cheat again, sure. But you are still the same person today as the day you cheated.

The day you cheated, you lied to your spouse, even if it was a lie by omission. You betrayed your spouse. You deceived them. You put your needs first, made your own choices, and robbed your spouse of making their own choices. You had a need for something, probably attention or a need to feel special, or a need to escape whatever stress you feel in your life... of course you didn't share this with your spouse. Instead, you needed, you got, you didn't get caught, so you don't want to confess. So the next time things get hairy and you have a need to escape, it's going to be totally different of course because... hmmm, that's a good question. Because you're the same person tomorrow that you are today, and now you have the added benefit of knowing that you can get away with it. So why would that make it less likely to happen?

The bottom line is, you lied and betrayed the day you had the affair. You took away your spouse's choice to make their own decisions about who to live with, share their life with, share their bed with. And every single day that goes by and you don't tell your spouse, that means you continue to lie, to deceive, to betray, and to make choices for your spouse. Continued lying and betraying is NOT a "one time thing that will never happen again", it is a "thing that happened, is continuing to happen right now, this second, and will continue to happen until such time as you confess".

Look, I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm a wayward spouse just like you. I did the same shitty, awful things to my spouse and more, much more. I was too much of a coward to confess. So instead, my wife of 20 years, who had always been faithful to me, always supported me and our family, had put up with my bullshit for half my lifetime and still loved me - I gave her the dubious "honor" of having to find out on her own by reading emails that no spouse should ever have to read, and then acting like an ass for months on end because I couldn't bring myself to own what I did and how horribly it hurt her. Because, you know, it was never going to happen again. Except that my continued lying and selfishness hurt her every single day and tore our family apart.

I know this is scary. This is no way that this happens and someone doesn't get hurt. But taking responsibility for who you are and what you did goes a long way towards rebuilding trust. Changing who you are in order to make sure that this never happens again also goes a long way to helping everyone heal.

I would suggest reading the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It's a quick read, just a few hours tops. You can find it free in PDF form if you look. Do yourself a favor and just read through that, and do some soul searching. Try to think about how you'd feel if your spouse was sleeping with someone else, and you didn't know, and were being lied to. Treat your spouse better than that.

My biggest concern is do you even know if you used a condom? If not, there could be a disease, a baby, etc. I mean I am sure you thought about that...but if there is even a chance of any of that you need to get those things squared away by being tested. Do you know the person that you woke up to? Is she still in your life in any way?

I’ve been tested twice. All negative. I do know the person, but I cut off all communication after that night. In fact blocked them.

No I’m not sure what if anything actually happened. I just don’t know. I wear a Fitbit and it even showed I plummeted directly into deep sleep. I passed out. I know that. She did tell me that if I told anyone she would ruin my career. So yeah I’m terrified.

I’m in therapy. Trying to make sense of it. I already had issues with anxiety and depression. So no I dont think this is an issue of me not changing. I am trying. I don’t want to hurt my wife or my kids.

I cheated 27 years ago and I confessed after getting caught having an online opposite sex friend (nothing romantic).

If I could go back I would have taken that secret to my grave. Confessing made me feel better yes but my BH will never....ever get over this. Ever. Did I mention never?? I destroyed him and 4 years later he still has the occasional thought of divorcing me.

Solidly in the camp of don’t tell.

Anxietydepression. Let’s talk about your drinking problem shall we?

My friends called me a shitstorm until I addressed the booze head on. Sobriety is so refreshing. No more blackouts. I remember my nights now. How bout that?

Like you, I have not confessed. My circumstances are different but the result is still the same. I had an affair and have not had a DDay.

That being said, I will neither tell you to confess or stay silent. What I will tell you is you need to figure out why you allowed yourself to get so polluted that something like this could happen in the first place. As others have said, stop the drinking/drugs and whatever other risky behavior you’re engaging in. If life sucks so bad that you have to get plastered, you need to fix it. I know it’s not easy but what choice do you have?

Believe it or not, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about confessing. After reading all the stories in JFO, confessing seems like a terribly selfish thing to do. This is my burden to carry and I must do everything in my power to fix myself so it never happens again. If I suffer because of it, well that’s part of the price I have to pay for being a scumbag.

After reading all the stories in JFO, confessing seems like a terribly selfish thing to do. This is my burden to carry and I must do everything in my power to fix myself so it never happens again. If I suffer because of it, well that’s part of the price I have to pay for being a scumbag.

This is some high-quality pretzel logic. The lying and making decisions for your wife that she should have the dignity of making for herself is still happening, every day, because you don't want to suffer any more than you already are.

anxietydepressio, You already have condemned your wife to the ranks of the betrayed. Don't further strip her of her dignity and her right to self-determination. Lying to her for the rest of your life is putting your needs over hers. You already did that when you engaged in behavior risky enough to end with you waking up next to someone else. Don't make it worse. Don't build your house on a cracked foundation. Gather your courage and give her the truth.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Not to muddy the water even more, but the people in the don't tell camp, would you want to know if your spouse was intimate with someone else and you had no idea. Especially if other people in your area knew? You walk around thinking you have this great marriage while people are saying, "oh bless their heart" which translates to they are so stupid.

Yes telling hurts, but you already inflicted the pain actually by your actions. You are just avoiding the consequences. It's not your words that hurt.

I suspect you are in the military. If so, even more reason to tell. Dday is bad enough. If you have Dday AND getting kicked out the same time, your marriage many not survive. She should know for that reason alone.

I guess at the end of the day, you are all adults but know that it blowing up in your face will be tons worse then stepping up and telling.

ETA:

I'm sorry I've not been more helpful, sometimes I leave things out I mean to say.

If you are military, you know people talk. Chances are it will. We're military, I've seen things come out a year later (best advice, if there's no proof, admit nothing - you'll likely get an article 15 but not get kicked out). Tell her what happened - you got black out drunk, don't know what happened (chances are good you were impotent - just saying) and that you've been proactive and have been screened twice. It's bad, sure, but it could be worse and your actions show remorse and concern.

[This message edited by smokenfire at 6:49 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

I would personally say that you should confess. I was not strong enough to do this myself and I wish more than anything now that I would have. Waiting can cause much more damage to the life that you are trying to live post A. Everything from the A to Dday will seem tainted and can’t be explained away no matter how hard you try. They will find out eventually and until they do it will eat you alive every day. If you love them tell them.

Evolvingsoul

because you don't want to suffer any more than you already are.

You are wrong but are certainly entitled to your opinion. As I've said before, I certainly don't care what happens to me but I will not drop this in my families lap.

but the people in the don't tell camp, would you want to know if your spouse was intimate with someone else and you had no idea

If the situation were reversed and my wife had ended it on her own and was working her ass off to fix herself, I can honestly say I would not want to know. Having been on the other side, I know what it feels like and I would not want to go through it again.

I don't know. Mixed feeling on this. I have seen so many of these things coming out years... decades later. It usually causes so many more problems the later it comes out. If infidelity occurs during the relationship... both people need to be making informed decisions based on the truth. The fundamental nature of the meaning and nature of the relationship is impacted in more ways than are usually understood or realized at the time. It seems to always affect the relationship. If kept as a secret, this secret undermines things. Like building on wet sand, there is not much that is stable for the long run. Keeping a secrete like this, generally is a sort of fraud that is perpetuated on the BS. A WS pretends to be someone other than who they truly are. Forever relegated to faking it for the duration of the relationship. And.. the BS... ends up being in a fake relationship. Pretty much, most of the relationship that is built on a secrete like infidelity, is seen as stolen time invested in a fake/fraud relationship. When/if the truth is ever found out. Every memory that is created during the time of fraud is... usually tarnished... Recovery... usually takes 2 to 5 years... usually fairly painful. However, the relationship is real. The memories, are based on reality. Even during the painful recovery time, the history is a shared experience that is based on a common accepted reality. The good memories count. Under the cloud of secrets/ lies/ infidelity, not so much.

Just a thought.

Having been on the other side, I know what it feels like and I would not want to go through it again.

There is a thing to think about. Having been on the other side and knowing the pain and destruction. You still chose to cheat. You don't want your wife to feel that pain you knew but still wanted to inflict too, and that cheating relationship ended. I know you have said you don't care what happens to you. Are you sure you aren't letting that previous experience influence your decision to not tell?

Root

I destroyed him and 4 years later he still has the occasional thought of divorcing me.

Is this about his pain or yours? Your pain at seeing him feeling in pain and the shame and guilt that brings to you? The fear that he might leave? You take no comfort that he is an informed person about his life with his basic human rights to know about his life, his marriage, and his spouse into account? Yeah it is messy and shitty, but at least he isn't a caged bird and chooses to be there knowing full well who you were and what your were capable of. At least he knows where he stood in the face of your selfishness and still chooses to accept you, your faults, and weaknesses. Yeah, it isn't perfect. It never was or will be because of the weakest link in the marriage. At least it is still proceeding forward with truth and honesty. The very foundations of a humans basic rights let alone a marriage.

Agree with Smokingfire and EvolvingFire. You have no idea at how good you and your relationship could get till the infection is really cleaned. I would take this ammended marriage over my past or her not knowing any day. I would absolutely want to know who I am sleeping next to.