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We are in R. Since D-day, sex has been really torturous. Things start out great but then it hits me. I can't finish, I lose interest, and I feel like shit. Physical needs for me are pretty strong. But it hasn't been the same. It's terrible, in fact. Just the knowledge this happened has held me back from any kind of deep enjoyment.

Men - How did you overcome this issue? (Please refrain from the "whore" verbaige. I get it. I felt it. I'm asking for a more refined answer.

Women- Knowing that sex can, traditionally, be more emotional for you, I can only imagine how difficult sex is for you.

Thoughts?

You are six months out? Yeah. I could take it or leave it then. Mostly, leave it. The mind movies were brutal. I cried every time. Over time, and in my practice of mindfulness, I don’t think of them really at all anymore. I’d say for me, going slow and doing only what I was comfortable with worked the best. The early days are just too full of pain and thoughts and comparisons. If you can get your mind to only focus on the moment and what feels good, pulling yourself back to the present each time you drift, that will help. But honestly, I think afterHB, it took me a long while.

ETA: be kind to yourself. This is such a minefield of pain and loss after dday.

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 4:05 AM, March 16th (Friday)]

Hi STBXH

This is such a difficult part of R. I am 15 months into R and can really identify with your struggle.

Sex used to be something almost sacred because as far as I was aware it was just about the connection between me and H. We have been together for 25 years so there is something very deep and special for me in the knowledge that my lips have never even kissed another man in that time. My eyes are only for my H, he is the only one I fantasise about and sex is what makes him special to me, it makes our relationship different from any other i have. He is the only one I am intimate with so from my perspective, he is unique. No one else has that honour, fate brought him to me, he is the father of my children, he is my beloved one and I have always been very loyal to him, even in the most difficult times .That is the beauty of marriage, it has a sacredness to it, it is clean and pure in so many ways.

With this, the view of our relationship from my perspective, you can imagine the TRAUMA of discovering his secret life. Words cannot express the pain, there are no words big enough to describe it, it is searing, IT IS LIKE A KNIFE THROUGH THE HEART.

My reaction was HB from the instant I found out about his cheating (I wrote a post about my personal experience of HB because it was so intense)

For a long time i was completely torn in two. The romantic connection to my WS, which has been my understanding of reality for 25 years was now in contrast to the new information that he had cheated on me many, many times, over many years with numerous women. ALL SACREDNESS WAS GONE! I would get overwhelmed with the feeling that sex is just sex, its just a F%@K. Same as he did to them, he does to me. I became detached from love making and just wanted to give him as much sex as he obviously needed, being the broken sex addict I now saw him as. I wanted to be better than all the others, I wanted my throne back as the best thing he has ever had. I wanted him to realise how dangerous the game he played was. I was giving him such amazing sex because I wanted him to be very scared that I could dump him and give my love, loyalty and amazing sexual prowess to someone else.

Sex is the ultimate connection which makes our relationship different from all our other relationships, it MUST be healed for the relationship to be healed. I think its kind of like a vicious circle, I don't know where the emotional connection stops and the physical connection begins, but they are like one wheel constantly turning. I have found as time is passing my heart is becoming more stable and trusting, the best sex is ALWAYS after an honest, meaningful emotional conversation. When I feel WS is allowing me into his head, into his heart, into his spirit, when he shows me vulnerability and trusts me with the truth of what he did, how he felt during that time and how he feels now, this honesty is what turns me on. I am so appalled by his deceitful, lying, selfish character, it makes me fearful to risk loving him. But when he shows humility and allows me to genuinely see his brokenness, when he self explores his own dark behaviour this makes me feel closer to him, more trusting and I can feel compassion for the broken person he was, who is now struggling with shame.

Talking about what happened REALLY HELPS ME to reconnect.

Over the past couple of months sex has definitely become more loving on my part, no where near as many triggers. I have worked hard at the gym and I have a very toned body, I had some surgery to improve areas I wanted to. I feel confident in how I look and I know without a doubt that I am physically more attractive than his AP's, I am more intelligent emotionally and intellectually and I have much higher morals, I feel like there is nothing he can compare me to with them that I don't score better. But I know the one thing they will always win on is the secretness of the A's, they were broken people, drink drugs, seedyness, lies. There is a darkness in them and a darkness in him that I can never compete with, there was a pleasure in sinning that I can never offer him and I don't want to.

I am glad that I am loyal, that I have only been with H, I offer my husband light, goodness, something pure and I hope and pray he does what is good for him, me and our beautiful family. If he has any sense he will know that infidelity nearly destroyed him and his family, it is poison. He knows that making his marriage beautiful benefits him, me, our children and wider family.

keep working on the communication with your wife, know that it was her that was and is broken, she needs you to help her come back to goodness and get her life back on the right track. It takes enormous amounts of love to get through it, it is unbelievably tough, but ultimately love can conquer all.

Let your wife know exactly what is going on in your head and allow her to comfort you and let her try and heal the damage she has done, keep saying to each other I love you so much, we have to let each other know when we are hurting, no matter how painful it is to hear, the truth must be said so we can soothe and support each other through this trauma.

Your woman needs to really comfort you and bring out all her nurturing skills to help you heal, she has to consistently let you know that she loves you, she is sorry and she is there for you when you reach for her.

You have to show her that although it is painful for you to know what she has done and you hate her behaviour, ultimately you love her and believe that she is a better human being than her bad behaviour would seem to show. You love her, but hate the affair! She needs to know that you still love her and will be there for her if she reaches for you.

You can come through it, many do, but it takes real and genuine love, patience and hope on a daily basis.

PS check out affair recovery on youtube, short extremley helpful videos you can watch together to bring about healing and open conversations.

best of luck on your journey

I’m a female and I’m sure it’s harder for men in the sense that once their mind is diverted, they may not be able to continue whereas I can redirect and get back into it. With that being said I urge you to practice being in the moment. Try focusing on only the breathing of you and your wife. Or in one particular area that feels particularly good. Focus on your wife if she seems like she is really enjoying it. Whatever it is you focus only on what is happening there.

I don’t know what it is, but sex for my husband and I has been better than ever. I feel we had a good sex life before. With the exception of sometimes not being often enough (work schedules and young kids), we always enjoyed each other. Now it is deep and mutual. We turn each other on easily.

Do you guys make time to snuggle? Kiss? Hold hands? We turn each other on just through that. I hope this helps. Sex has been an important part of R for us. In days when I/we feel distant, sex has been the bond to bring us back together

Prior to the A we had a very active, and somewhat adventurous sex life. During the A, he was still wanting and willing w/ me, and this part I struggled w/ initially.

Additionally she was younger, smaller, and had not had children so that F'd w/ my head as well.

We had HB for a longer run than most, and I enjoyed that. But suddenly as we worked forward, and started dealing with the hard stuff of R it became more and more difficult for me. Plus she was taking up space in my head during.......

Eventually I had to make sex not about making love, but the physical act and what felt good. I also had to make it 100% about me. I controlled the situation, told him yes or no as to what felt good, and focused on my pleasure alone. If I wanted to return the favor I would but there was absolutely no pressure on me. Slowly over time this changed from just being about me and the physical act to yes I enjoy it, and I really have nothing to lose anymore. So why not be more adventurous. So we did adventurous things. We tried things and some were great and others not.

But please know that this didn't happen overnight. This was over a period of years. I would say HB lasted about 6-7 mos, then struggles began, then it became all about me, and my needs/wants for another year or so before we really reached a place of comfort, and making it about pleasing each other, and trying new things.

This stuff is hard, really really hard. Give yourself time, and a break don't allow yourself or anyone else to pressure you and if at 2 years you still are having issues,then consider going to a real sex therapist to help you work through this.

(((And Strength))))

I approached sex more like a stereotypical man until I met my WH. It was fun, pleasurable, and I was more comfortable if I didn't care about the guy. When I met my WH, I was in my late 30s. Sex with him was the first emotional sex I'd ever had and it was glorious and moving and something I'd never experienced. After DDay and a month or so of HB, I lost that and it's back to the fun physical act. Before, I had the higher drive and wished we could have sex daily, but he was more 2-4 times per week and that was good enough. Now we're lucky if we have sex once per week. That we're both on ADs makes a difference, but I don't think that's all of it. We've both had trouble given I'm a MH. We have no difficulty performing now, but it's just not like it used to be. I can take it or leave it, and that's not my norm. He seems to be the same.

Wow .... well this is a very sour topic because of my past. I felt so lucky to have found someone that loved me for who I was with all my flaws and issues. I told him how delicate I was when he told me he wanted to marry me. I was afraid of getting emotionally involved because I knew how deep our emotionally connection was and our love making was an extension of our being one. He made me feel accepted and I felt so lucky that I found someone that I trusted wholeheartedly and loved. As others said even during the difficult times I would have never considered being unfaithful because sex was so sacred between us.

It was really on after the PA that I learned how poor my fWH boundaries really are and that during his EAs I had shutdown emotionally we had so HB during the first EA but he wanted to stop soon afterwards. I was trying to get our connection back he wasn’t interested. Meanwhile he’s in EA 2 which is more platonic but constantly engaged emotionally with her. Wants nothing to do with with me. I am not aware he’s involved but suspect he’s talking to the ow in ea 1. By this time I’m devastated that he doesn’t want to go to counseling he tells me it’s all in my head. I had not found SI yet. Nor did I know the terminology EA either. He was angry at me because I kept accusing him of cheating. I just told him how I felt and he moved into the spare bedroom- Office. In hindsight I should have kicked him out but when someone tells you that you are crazy and that you are making things up and his complete disinterest in me sexually really F’d with my mind. Fast forward to the PA. During this time I was dealing with lost of DD health issues and her school as well. FWH had been laid off for the 2nd time so I was working extra hard because we couldn’t afford to lose my job either. So I should have paid more attention but he was able to find a job more quickly this time but only as contract basis which was fine because they would hire full time in 3 months if all goes well. Within 2 months he’s completely unavailable emotionally and working late every night saying that he’s trying to show them he can do it so they will hire full time. Well he gets so involved with ow3 that he’s leaving the office during the day multiple times coming in late and of course I am traveling And ask him to take our DD to her docs appointment etc. He tells me I’m making him late for work and he has deadlines. So I need to reschedule for when I’m in town. Needless to say he didn’t get offered the FT position and blamed me because I was nagging about all the extra stuff and about working late. Well of course come to find out they couldn’t count on him because he was so wrapped up in his affair and some of his coworkers found out which are close friends of mine as well. F@cking Idiot...

After DDAY we had intense HB but it slowed down because of the mind movies after I finally got him to admit months later that it was a PA ... But he lied which I knew in the back of my mind because I found a condom but he TT to tell me they had unprotected sex as well. that killed sex... I was done I think that was 1 year out.

I say all this because now after 6 years out .. Sex is just Sex... except it’s has been a year that anything has happened. It could be menopause but it’s mainly that I am just not connected emotionally anymore and I’m not in love honestly. I rarely would gets mind movies but I would think of all the shit I endured during the A . Everything that I was going through and feeling guilty because I was asking too much or couldn’t understand why my fWH can’t take him DD to soccer practice without bitching. Etc etc etc.. all that goes through my head and I look at him and I’m like nope. Um I don’t want to kiss you. The Trauma is toooooo much. Plus I have the csa trust issues that were blown out by his betrayal that makes sex even more impossible for me. I told him early on that was a burden and that I would never tolerate any cheating. And unfortunately that’s where I am.

I hope others can push through it. But I’m angry at him for pushing me away for so many years and then cheating and I was faithful and had needs to but never never considered anyone else because I didn’t want anyone else. He was my friend my confidant my lover... oh well 😔 it’s gone now.

Thanks for posting this. I am female BS and sex since DDay has been all about reclaiming for me. I certainly have moments where an image comes to me, or WS wants to try something new I know he learned from OW, but... Idk. My brain just insists I move past it so I can rightfully claim what's mine. In fact, I've been known to think, yeah she got that for a while, but now I get it forever. It's all mine, forever.

I don't know what it is about sex that my brain lets me do this so easily. Because with everything else, gifts, places they went, things they did, my brain won't let me move on. I want to reclaim those too.

You could try reframing things in that way in the moment, though, yes, it hits you, but then you choose to reclaim it for you, because it is so important to you. What do you think?

I have the same issues as you do STBXH even many years out. If I let those thoughts in my head during sex, I might as well quit then cause it ain't gonna happen.

It sucks too. We had a great sex life before. Now, it's terrible. I seem to have attraction issues. I've lost that "thing" for her. Before I would look at her and be filled with desire and longing. I wanted her if you know what I mean. That's gone.

It has gotten marginally better. There was a period after HB where I could not have sex with her at all. I was physically repulsed. I still struggle with that too if I let those thoughts into my head before or during sex. I find spontaneous sex or sex first thing in the morning to be better than any romantic lead in or build up. I miss that too. It's also better if she's right out of the shower. There were some very bad times too. Times I needed to make sure she knew I was simply using her. I sometimes humiliated her sexually too.

I think the issue is I can't seem to reconnect with her emotionally. I can't make myself vulnerable to her at all. If she suddenly left tomorrow it would not phase me one single bit. I know we don't quite jive on our values and I wonder about her character. Couple that stuff with betrayal and it's like an anti-aphrodisiac. I know deep in my bones I would be better off with a new partner. It's a major hurdle in R for me.

My WH and I had/have a phenomenal sex life. Even from day 1, never has there been a bad session. Even during his A's we were always on. I later found out that he gave me the "courtesy" of not having sex with me for at least a week after he had sex with OW.

Difficult on many levels. I thought our sex life (and he did too), was so good. That (for me) alone was enough in my mind to say that he would never cheat on me (stupid, I know better now). So the shock of him having sex with someone else (a fat, ugly, uneducated someone else) left me reeling.

To overcome mind movies, ugly thoughts and crying I had to do basically do what tushnurse said:

make sex not about making love, but the physical act and what felt good. I also had to make it 100% about me.

We are in a much better place now (although I do seem to want a drink or two or a shot just to relax and keep my mind in the here and now) and for the most part, I never think about it during sex, but almost immediately following sex it hits me all over again - and I wonder if that will ever go away.

There have been a couple post in General that might help you.

You are not alone. Several struggle with intimacy.

I am female. In the last 2 1/2 years WS and I have been together twice. I shut down, withdrew completely. Because of his cheating I felt dirty afterwards. It was just sex.

I don’t count those 2x when ask how long I’ve gone without sex. He has multiply health issues and his equipment doesn’t work anymore. So I don’t have any good advice on how to handle this. I will share that I still strongly desire sex but if I had the opportunity I wouldn’t be able to go there. I haven’t healed enough. I used to start crying at the thought of being intimate. Even writing about this is difficult. EMDR or EFT (emotional freedom tapping) may be helpful. lots of information on the enternet about these therapies. I hope you find a healing path soon. Don’t be embarrassed about it or try to be intimate when your mind isn’t willing.

It's gotten better.

8 years out though.

We didn't have a good sex life at all before the A. We barely had sex a year before the A. I rejected her numerous times and stopped touching her. So I am reasonable enough to say, we didn't have it all before.

After the A, i still didn't touch her...for obvious reasons. She had sex twice with the OM and nothing to cry home about.

So we decided to implement new stuff. Stuff that i know she's never done before. Stuff that i've never done before. Stuff that feeds into my fetishes. Talk about what turns us on more. Look at blogs, buy outfits, so it's all unique. She had a long relationship before me and still never done that. So i am her first in everything...and believe it or not...she's never had an orgasm, until 2 weeks ago. and now she is having them all the time. I educated myself on how to please her and how to become a better lover to her, while she is doing the same for me.

I know its harder for some. Some people's wives did unspeakable things with their OM and it's hard to reconcile. Some people married as virgins, so its double painful. Some people knew the OM or worse, were friends with them, so you can clearly picture them.

I don't doubt that it's hard if the scenario fits.

As a male BS, I'm not too proud to say that I got to the point that I needed those little blue pills for a little while.

I also started a routine of supplements that help support reproductive health among other things, so its no longer needed.

But separation from the trauma is also an important ingredient here...so don't be surprised if your doctor and Father Time end up being what gets you through it.

**DISCLAIMER** This is assuming you are actively working on a healthy emotional intimacy connection too, because one definitely affects the other.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 4:04 PM, March 16th (Friday)]

BH here.

Viagra helps.

As for me I had a rough time of it. Then one night in anger I just lost it and used her. I just used her like she was a piece of meat. Later she ended up telling me it was the best sex we ever had. Go figure. Turns out she likes to be dominated and doesn't equate love with sex. Weirdo.

So ever since I just objectify her and use her to get off, and usually she gets off too and enjoys it. I don't make love to her anymore. I fvck her. I don't know how long it will continue to work or when I will get sick of it, but for now it is what works.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:18 PM, March 16th (Friday)]

It's difficult. I am demisexual. What that means is that I don't feel sexual desire unless I have a deep emotional connection.

Before his affair sex was great. After, he even remarked that after 11 years we had never had bad sex.

Well that has changed. I don't have much desire to be with him, part of that is the head movies and the other part is the broken trust and damaged feelings.

This is bad since sex is really important to him, and I do believe it is important to a healthy relationship.

But, I just can't do 'just sex', particularly when my brain starts wondering if they spooned like we are now, and if he liked this with her or that.

I am a year out and still struggle.

I didn't have sex with my husband at all for 3 months. We built up slowly from holding hands (I don't think I touched him in a loving way or allowed him to touch me for a month or so). Sex was an awful, triggering thing to me at 6 months out. I would end up sobbing uncontrollably sometimes and just have to stop.

I did meditation, EDMR, somatic experiencing, journaling. And that all got me to the place where mind movies are a very rare thing. We then did sensate focus exercises and that really helped.

It wasn't until about a couple of months ago (so around 15 months out) that I started to truly enjoy sex again. That is with a very remorseful partner jumping through hoops to please me and work on himself everyday.

Hmm....we had HB within 1 week of DDay. I didn't understand. Did a lot of research until I found that term. Explained it to WH. As I've read here, it isn't uncommon.

In the beginning I would cry afterward when I realized my situation. And what he must think of me. And comparing myself to OW in looks, skill and performance.

Now I look at it for what it is. "reclaiming what is mine" so to speak. I'm not a weak woman sexually begging for her husband. I"m a freaking goddess unicorn showing him what I've got and enjoying myself in the process. I'm not doing it for competition - I'm doing it for me. HB sex has been very satisfying and gratifying. And a tad adventurous.

That being said, last night, 8 months past DDay was the first time it was sweet and tender and meaningful. I will have to see where that road leads. Until now, I shall enjoy it.

We didn't have sex for over a year after her A, my choice. We only started back up again 2 months ago, and I hate it! From her, it's duty sex at it's most dutiful. I have a high sex drive and all my equipment is in working order, but I'm only half of the equation. It's awkward at best, and downright depressing at worst. I miss the days when we never had sex, honestly.

I don't get why she begged me for months to have sex with her, if she isn't going to even try to enjoy herself or get into the moment with me? I think by getting me to have sex with her again, it restored the status quo in her mind.

I long for a happy, healthy sex life again... but I know it's never going to be on the menu with my WW. Can I really destroy my children's lives because I don't want duty sex? The answer is NO, I cannot.

Fenderguy - You are clearly not happy. But not leaving your wife, does it have anything to do with your children's future ? Or is it really your inner fear that you won't find another woman to spend life with?

I'm the BS. Married to a recovering SA.

Who has lied to me for most of our relationship.

I don't have sex if I'm not feeling safe.

But we did it backwards...the first 10 years of our relationship it was just sex..no emotions. I won't go back to that again. And that's still half of the years, now we've been having sex.

Now, we have some emotional intimacy. But if I feel the need to cry at any point, it's not a safe activity. So we abstain.

Of course I want and need sex. But my need not to feel sexually used and cheap trumps an orgasm, for me.

We are one year out from his relapse.