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I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? Six months ago we moved to my husband's hometown. We were forced to move from the suburbs to my husband's hometown , due to financial constraints.My husband business venture collapsed.We lost our home.Settling into our new home was hard.My husband is depressed.His depression is hurting our day-to-day life, and I admit to feeling very frustrated sometimes.I love my husband dearly, but I’m having a really hard time feeling 100% respectful of him right now, and I hate that feeling. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have a 13year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. I have a very large breasts and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get. how big my breasts get.

My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old woman I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe.

On February 1st i started working at this accounting firm. It is all female workplace. Other 14 employees are women in their 40s and 50s. Other women there my coworkers think that i am stuck up and arrogant upper middle class snob.I feel like these women my coworkers don't really like me.I am considered by most of other women my coworkers to be very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.One woman group member has described me as a snob on about half a dozen occasions . I still don't really know why. I know on one of those occasions it was because I turned down the offer to go to a coffee with her after work. How not wanting to go somewhere makes me a snob, I don't know. One woman my colleague always comments on my clothing saying that i am always overdressed in satin and silk clothes and glammed up.I am dressing like this since i graduated college and got my first office job.It is my whole wardrobe.Its how i like to dress myself and that is my style. When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my husband's home town), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.

(Sorry if I sound whiny) It sucks to see your coworkers do group lunches everyday and not be included. And it's not just lunches that I'm not included in. These women my coworkers are the most gossipy, nitpicking, backstabbing group I have ever come across. They are so quick to tattletale on you for some of the most minor things and chastise you.

Only one woman my coworker is friendly with me. She is skinny really short like 5ft3 wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired masculine 55year old woman. But for some reason, she feels entitled to touch, squeeze or jiggle my breasts and to rub and slap my ass. On my second day there in the office restroom she said "Wow! Your breasts are sooo large! Can i touch them" AS she was already grabbing and squeezing them! I just said it looks like you are already touching them. In the moment, I found myself laughing it off. And this woman is really short, her head is exactly the level of my breasts. Since then this woman my friendly coworker thinks she can just walk up and feel my boobs or grab my ass when ever she feels like it!! She routinely slaps or rubs my butt. She loves to squeeze or jiggle my breasts and tell me how soft and squishy they are. She thinks they are toys. She often hugs me around my waist and then proceeds to hump me (From behind usually but sometimes from the front).

Usually it happens in the restroom, in the hallway, by the watercooler or on the parking lot. I don't know how to stop it. I usually just feel like a deer in headlights. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. I kinda feel like a weirdo for not losing my shit on this woman my coworker. I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels she is always in sneakers.Standing next to me she looks like a midget. She isn't a horrible woman she is really very pleasant but something about her and her need to grope me makes me very uncomfortable.

Three days ago as we were leaving work her friend(this short like 5ft2 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine woman in her early 50s) was waiting for her on the parking lot and she(my friendly groper coworker's friend said to me "You are so tall big and soft" and then my coworker said to her friend "touch her boobs if you want, she wont mind" Then this short skinny ugly ginger woman walked up to me reached with her both hands and gave my breasts what I can only describe as a jiggle-squish. She commented on how soft they feel. I was speechless.

This woman my friendly coworker gets away with groping me all the time,simply because i let her. Instead of outrage, i feel a strange, paralyzing shame. Instead of immediately and publicly denouncing her, i try to defuse the situation as quietly as possible, as if the guilt is my own. What is wrong with me? I am a straight woman, i love men, simple! I am straight and I am completely 100 percent straight. I have never been attracted to a woman sexually. I am STRICTLY hetero.Even the thought of eating out a vagina makes me gag. I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female.

I can't just quit this job.This is a smallish town. There aren’t many job opportunities.I fear I won’t be able to find work.I really need this salary. I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this short skinny groper woman my coworker. He is going to blame me. 5 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).

The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened.

My husband is unemployed since his company declared bankruptcy in September 2017.We lost our home.The bank foreclosed on our house.All the while, he has done our finances and never really was open to my having access to them. I think it was a control issue at first and later he didn't want me to know. That is why we had to move here in his hometown.

I don't know how to stop it

Let me explain something to you right now.

If a dude came up to me in the bathroom and asked if he could grab my dick, he would likely die that day.

The way you stop it is to tell this person to NEVER touch you again. You do not like it. It is not welcomed.

Let her know if she touches you again you will beat the fucking shit out of her. When you say this, use your height to lean over her and show seriousness in your eyes. Then walk away.

Make a formal complaint at work. If she touches you again, beat the fucking shit out of her. Dont stop until she knows you mean business.

It will never happen again.

The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me at least. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened.

It's because you will never understand what you have done to him.

To have your wife sleep with another man takes something away from you that you will never get back.

Not in 5 years. Not in 50.

Sorry to be so blunt. But you really have no idea what you have done to him by having an affair.

The simple answer to your question is "because you like the attention more than you dislike having her touch your breasts or butt". If you make it known that this behavior is unacceptable, she will stop. You're "opening the door" by "laughing it off" and letting it continue. She probably thinks you like it, or at worst, think it's funny and have no problem with it continuing. I wouldn't go from where you are today to full on punch in the face; it's not going to be necessary at all.

Get a time on this woman's schedule, or if you work in a place where all contact is just incidental, then ask her to lunch. Tell her directly but in a friendly manner that you enjoy her company, and you want to be friends, but you've had some unfortunate things happen in the past and when she touches your breasts or bottom even though you think it's funny too, you trigger and sometimes flashback to things that happened to you. This will cause her to think you were raped, which you didn't say, but will get her to back off unless she really has a problem. Note, I'm not telling you to lie, you did have something unfortunate happen in the past (your A) and you are triggering. But that's not what she'll think, and it's fine, she can think whatever she wants as long as you get the behavior you want and you're not lying to get it.

As for the rest of it, your H sounds like he's still struggling to heal. You might want to point him here to get help, or stay around here to try to get information for you to help him. IMHO, that's the bigger problem here, this woman will leave you alone if you follow my advice, and, if not, there are a few other things to do, most drastic of all, call your HR department and ask for a sit down with you, her and HR. But this is a problem that can be easily resolved. The A; that's a much more difficult problem, so hopefully once this is fixed, you stick around for some help with that.

Best of luck, and welcome!

I'm sorry you have a reason to be here.

As others have stated, just tell this person to stop.

You seem to be a no nonsense type of woman, especially with your H.

I believe the bigger issue and the reason you are here is because of your A.

but I’m having a really hard time feeling 100% respectful of him right now

How much about being a betrayed spouse do you understand?

.

What have you done to help him cope with your affair?

My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.

Try to answer any questions your daughter has in an age appropriate way. It's not ideal that your h speaks about this in front of her, but how you react to it says a lot. She's also watching you.

I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.

Ouch... pesky questions? This statement, in and of itself, shows that you really don't know what you did to him.

For most, if not all of us betrayed, short of losing a child, this is the worst thing to ever happen to us. It's soul crushing, gut wrenching and you are blessed he's still with you.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why do you get to decide how long it takes him to heal from your

dirt?

You may wish to have a stop sign placed on your post so that only fellow waywards can post on here.

Any way, God bless you on your journey.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:12 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

I know that many women have to deal with worse, and I should just "man up", but I am an extremely non-confrontational person, and I usually prefer to endure something uncomfortable than draw attention or displease the other person.I don't want to push any sensitive buttons with this groper coworker since she is only one who is nice with me at work. That is why i decided to try tolerating groping,rubbing, humping and hugging by her.It was a big mistake.It is my fault. I really don't want to offend her.

I always laugh uncomfortably and try to be as dismissive of the situation as possible when this short skinny woman coworker is groping me. I think the reason why this reaction might be so prevalent is that i shy away from asserting myself, even when it comes to defending myself against such action, because i am wary of being labeled as a shrew, a bitch or a upper middle class snob. So i try to be polite and as unaggressive as possible. I laugh, to prove that i am easy going, and i apologize or refrain from demanding an apology and make excuses to show that i am graceful.

I know other women my coworkers probably laugh at me behind my back because of this situation with this woman groper colleague. One woman coworker said to me that I make stupid faces while this woman groper is groping me and humping me. She also said that it is bizarre that standing next to the groper I look like a giant and I let her get by with it. I just laughed and replied to this woman that we(me and friendly groper coworker) just have a weird bond like that. Other women my coworkers probably think that I am okay with it.

My husband said to me that he is not motivated to seek job point blank the other day, after we discussed the solution to our financial problems would be for him to simply get a job.He never cleans. I'm going crazy. I work all day, come home and eat something quick.Then I clean the kitchen, pick up the living room and I do laundry.I don't think it's fair that he doesn't do any house work when he is home all day long.I feel like I'm nagging him constantly about cleaning up after himself and our daughter during the day. I just don't think I should be doing everything.My husband just wants to sit at home and watch T.V. and go out with his old high school friends.My husband straight told me he doesn't have to get a job. That is pretty messed up, you know.

I know that many women have to deal with worse, and I should just "man up", but I am an extremely non-confrontational person, and I usually prefer to endure something uncomfortable than draw attention or displease the other person.

Good grief! You have no boundaries! First you have an A, which you are impatient for your poor BH to "just get over," and now you are allowing sexual harassment in the work place because you are "non-confrontational?" Good grief, you are even excusing her behavior to other co-workers!

You have spent the bulk of your words here describing yourself, your body, and how you dress ... and about this abusive co-worker. What are some of the details about this A that you had? When was it, when did it end, and did your husband catch you or did you confess it to him first? Did you seek any counseling following that affair? It sounds like you have some seriously unresolved issues about sex, sexuality, boundaries, and honesty.

It appears you have multiple issues that you need to see a counselor for. I would find a therapist and make an appointment immediately. And then your next step is to talk to someone in management or personnel at work to get this inappropriate sexual contact to end. I mean, this is inappropriate in the workplace setting even if the two of you (you and this woman who gropes you) were both lesbians and lovers! If she was a male doing this behavior and you allowing it you both could get fired. I am surprised no one has spoken to you (and her) about how inappropriate this is.

I don't mean to come across as harsh, but you need to establish some boundaries. And if you value your marriage, your next step is to develop some empathy for your husband, who not only had to deal with an affair, but is likely headed for some real heart-ache over your workplace issues if you don't get this under control. And I would not advocate doing that without some help.

What if this was happening to your daughter? What would you tell her to do? Play out that scenario and then pretend you are modelling it for her. I have found that I can navigate many uncomfortable situations by pretending my daughter is watching me or reenacting how I would hope she would handle it.

It sounds like you are very conflicted avoidant. You are afraid to assert yourself for fear of upsetting this “friend”. But this person does not care that her actions are disrespectful and against the law.

Next time you see her, before she has a chance to touch you - tell her you are not comfortable with her touching you. Be straightforward. Be clear. “Stop touching me. I don’t like it. If you do it again, I will report you to Human Resources.” Or you can skip that part and go straight to Human Resources and tell your employer.

This goes beyond sexual harassment. It’s assault. Far too many women are raised to “play nice”...to make everyone comfortable at the expense of your own comfort. This has nothing to do with how you dress. This is not your fault. You did not ask for this by dressing nicely or by wearing certain fabrics.

And look into counselling. I don’t know the details of your affair - but it wouldn’t surprise me if your conflict avoidance and fear of “disappointing” others is as the root of your whys.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:36 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

If someone did that to me, I would smack the living fool out of them. It’s called having self respect and boundaries. No, Hell no I wouldn’t let that happen. Please take some time to read up on boundaries.

There is a large amount to unpack in your post.

Lets start with the co-worker:

1) This is sexual assault

According to the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape

2). She is sexually harassing you.

The laws will vary according to the state. In order to get this to stop you will have to get both the company involved and the police involved.

Now onto the other parts of your post about your husband and your marriage:

Six months ago we moved to my husband's hometown. We were forced to move from the suburbs to my husband's hometown , due to financial constraints.My husband business venture collapsed.We lost our home.Settling into our new home was hard.My husband is depressed.His depression is hurting our day-to-day life, and I admit to feeling very frustrated sometimes.I love my husband dearly, but I’m having a really hard time feeling 100% respectful of him right now, and I hate that feeling.

For most men their self-worth is generated by their job. His business collapsed, he lost his home and had to move, and now he has no job.

.

He is depressed because he thinks he has failed, but that is only part of the reason for his depression.

5 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly. It has been a difficult journey for my husband, he can't seem to forgive me.

After your affair came to light, what specifically did you do in order to deal with this damage?

My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future, which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irritated and loose it. He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.

You confessed your affair. What you guys did was called rug-sweeping. You see rug-sweeping doesn't make it go away, it simply buries it under the surface. This is why its coming out even 5 years later.

The healing timeline for affairs is 2-5 years, you may be thinking that it has been 5 years, but that 2-5 years requires you as a wayward to change some very deep seated issues inside yourself.

You say that you were having sexual issues - I am gently going to point out that having sexual issues did not make you go out and have an affair. What lead you to the affair is something that is wrong inside you.

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).

You didn't fall prey to the other man. While predators are out there, they look for people who have weak boundaries. Affairs are essentially based on non-existent boundaries. A partner who has strong boundaries gives off clues they are off limits. In comparison a person with weak boundaries opens up their marriage and lives to the other person.

The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me at least. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened.

Actually it isn't done, by rugsweeping the affair, being defensive about questions, you are not allowing him to heal. His reactions are text book examples of men and women who's spouses have affairs and they are rugswept.

He is angry because you continue to be defensive when he asks about it. You haven't allowed him a chance to come to terms with what you did to him. It is not his fault he is getting angry, he can't help it because he hasn't been allowed to process this huge blow to his ego and self-esteem.

My husband is unemployed since his company declared bankruptcy in September 2017.We lost our home.The bank foreclosed on our house.All the while, he has done our finances and never really was open to my having access to them. I think it was a control issue at first and later he didn't want me to know. That is why we had to move here in his hometown.

From what you type it sounds like you guys have some major marital issues going on, but the problem isn't the material issues.

The affair is so much bigger than the marital issues right now even after 5 years. This is why many members tell newly betrayed spouses to not to engage in marriage counseling upon discovery. Most marriage counselors do not have a good grasp on what it takes a couple to heal from an affair.

Your husband's depression is tied up in your affair and the fact that he feels like a failure as a man for not providing for his family. Hell, I make a good salary, and I am carrying a huge amount of debt because of our kids college, medical bills and unexpected repairs, and I still feel like a failure because we have had to borrow so much money.

To your husband, the affair is still close to mind because he hasn't been able to process it. He is still trying to reconcile the woman he married to the woman who confessed to having a sexual affair with another man.

I am sorry you are here, I am sorry that you are putting up with the sexual harassment, and sexual assault at work, but what you write about your affair and how your husband Is reacting, it sounds like you guys just tried the "Forgive and Forget" method of dealing with them. "Forgive and Forget" doesn't work.

I would like to gently recommend a book for you to read. Its called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2

I would also like for you to read posts in the Just Found Out forum. If you want to get an idea of what your husband is still dealing with then reading them will give you an inkling.

As a wayward you are not allowed to post in there. Not saying you would, but those posts can cause strong reactions.

ETA: Bolded when I should have quoted - and holy crap I can't type today

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 11:58 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

You're enjoying it, that's why you aren't stopping it. You are having another affair on your H.

And you tell us there's no reason for your past A, but then you give us all the things wrong with your H as well as the sexual issues you had with him as the reasons you had an A.

Letting a lesbian coworker get herself off by groping you? Blaming your A on your H? No wonder he's still angry. You have no respect for your H or your marriage.

To top it off, you spent most of your time telling us how hot you are.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:58 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

From sorrowfulmate's post:

What is sexual assault?

The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:

Attempted rape

Fondling or unwanted sexual touching

It's very important to understand that sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual touching. In my opinion, you shouldn't get HR or the police involved until you've made it very clear to her that you want no part in her attention. Then you may not need HR or the police.

I agree with you thatwilldo, but in similar situations in the workplace, it’s been my experience that some coworkers are too traumatized to confront the offender. Often if it were that easy, there wouldn’t be a second issue of harassment. So because this has gone beyond harassment to assault - if a victim is too frightened to confront their abuser, I see nothing wrong with seeking support from the employer.

In my workplace there are other avenues, like union steward or Joint Employment Assistance representative - even a coworker to attend the confrontation...but it sounds like those supports don’t exist for the OP.

I agree that this is something that needs to be addressed in counselling but she shouldn’t be subjected to further abuse while she works out her issues with an IC.

If this were subtle or ambiguous but being humped and having privates fondled is anything but...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:53 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]

5 years ago I cheated. I have never cheated before. My husband and I struggled with communication. We had sex like once every 2 months for years. I felt like my life was passing me by. It was an six-month affair, from January 2013 until July 2013. I realized one day that I wanted to stay with my husband and that I did love him more than anything. I told the other guy that it was over and that I was going to confess all to my husband.

We went through counseling, a few different times over the years, but nothing has helped. He wants to know all the details about everything, how many times we had sex, what other acts we did, where did we go, how big the other guy was, did I like it, did I orgasm, etc. 5 years later he still asks all these things.

That was a very shameful time of my life, and I have blocked a lot of things, things I said to my husband, and feelings that I had toward the guy I cheated with, my feelings at the time. All I want to do is forget all of it but I can’t because my husband still has not moved past it.

I feel that I have done everything I can to try and rebuild his trust in me, to show not just say that I regret and will never do anything like that again, to show him that I love him and he is the most important person in my life. He still has hurt feelings and brings the affair up every few weeks, for the last 5 years.

I don’t get angry, and I let him say what ever he needs to say. I respond to him when he talks about it and asks questions, and I do my best to empathize with his feelings and reassure him that I love him and will be here for him even though there was a period when I was not.

Nothing helps. I don’t know what I can do to help him through this. It has been 5 years, and this is still a massive wall in between us that I want to tear down, but he doesn’t seem to be able to allow it. He doesn’t want to go back to counseling; he feels all they do is try to get him to move on to the present. He says he forgives me, but of course, it is never forgotten. He still cannot stop bringing it up.

That was a very shameful time of my life, and I have blocked a lot of things, things I said to my husband, and feelings that I had toward the guy I cheated with, my feelings at the time. All I want to do is forget all of it but I can’t because my husband still has not moved past it.

You've wanted to rugsweep it. He doesn't want to. By not being on the same page as he is in his recovery, you've kept him from recovering.

I understand that I’m being a wimp.It seems as though this friendly groper coworker targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her. Standing next to me she looks like a midget but she is not intimidated by me.Why? I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That’s just who I am.I love dressing up, I’ve tried dressing down, but I always end up changing. My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why I’m so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others.

Your husband is still asking questions and exploring the affair because he hasn’t healed. Healing while with the wayward spouse (meaning they want to reconcile) means the wayward has to do their part so the BS (betrayed spouse) feels sate in the relationship.

There are many things...the biggest is discovering your whys. From what you wrote above, you blame the marriage. That’s a common mistake. What you need to explore is why - when you were unfulfilled in your relationship, you didn’t seek moral and honest solutions (like marriage counseling or divorce) - why not? Probably because you liked things about the marriage and didn’t want to give it up. So it wasn’t bad enough to make you want to leave, so at the expense of your husband’s trust, and mental and physical health - you cheated.

Until you discover why you felt entitled to bring another man into your marriage - your husband won’t feel safe. Have you had IC? Have you read any books about betrayal? The best one to start with is “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair “ by Linda MacDonald. When you read the list of behaviours successful marriage rebuilders engage in to heal the damage, you’ll probably see where you were lacking and will understand why your husband is still struggling.

My husbands emotional affair was 6 years ago. We are happily reconciling and doing very well. I am happy and fulfilled yet I still think about it everyday - all the time. I will never forget. It is something horrific that happened to me. If you lost a child - do you think healing from the loss would mean you would forget they were born? Forget they died? Would you no longer feel the ache?

It’s not too late to help your husband feel safe. You can rebuild a new marriage even this far out from the affair. Order the book I mentioned above. Read the following article from the healing library (yellow box above Dr Phil on the left):

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

You let her grope you because some part of you enjoys it. Would you allow a male co-worker to treat you this way?

From your description of how you dress, it appears that you enjoy dressing provocatively.

Marla,

You are still making excuses for the affair:

My husband and I struggled with communication. We had sex like once every 2 months for years. I felt like my life was passing me by.

Struggling without communication didn't cause it

Infrequent sex didn't cause it

feeling your life pass you by didn't cause it

We went through counseling, a few different times over the years, but nothing has helped. He wants to know all the details about everything, how many times we had sex, what other acts we did, where did we go, how big the other guy was, did I like it, did I orgasm, etc. 5 years later he still asks all these things.

Counseling doesn't help when you continue to keep secrets. It sounds like you went to marriage counseling but the problem is that most marriage counselors aren't equipped to help a couple through infidelity.

In order for a betrayed spouse to heal they need details. Its part of the healing. Some BS don't need all of them, some need more. However you can't control what he needs to know.

That was a very shameful time of my life, and I have blocked a lot of things, things I said to my husband, and feelings that I had toward the guy I cheated with, my feelings at the time. All I want to do is forget all of it but I can’t because my husband still has not moved past it.

Marla, read that above line. Its all about you.

You are ashamed

You have blocked

You want to forget

Then you blame your husband for keeping the wound open. Again, this isn't his fault, never was, never will be. Quit blaming your spouse for needing what you don't want to remember so he can put his life back together.

Right now its all about you moving on, and you can't see that its your own actions that have continued to keep him stuck in this mental hell he is going through.

I feel that I have done everything I can to try and rebuild his trust in me, to show not just say that I regret and will never do anything like that again, to show him that I love him and he is the most important person in my life.

Feel? That is one of those wiggle words that get's used. You have either done everything or you haven't. Your husband still brings up the affair and has questions, but you refuse to answer them.

Many waywards try to rationalize not answering the questions because they think by not revealing details they are protecting the betrayed spouse. The truth to this is that you are holding back the details he is asking you for because you are protecting yourself.

He still has hurt feelings and brings the affair up every few weeks, for the last 5 years.

If your husband were a diabetic, and you weren't giving him his insulin, and every couple of weeks he asked you to give it to him and you refused, would you be mad at him for not moving on from his diabetes?

I don’t get angry, and I let him say what ever he needs to say. I respond to him when he talks about it and asks questions, and I do my best to empathize with his feelings and reassure him that I love him and will be here for him even though there was a period when I was not.

This doesn't square very well with this:

I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.

His pesky questions are important to him. These are a way the betrayed takes what they thought they knew about YOU and what the affair has taught them about YOU and reconcile them together into a cohesive past.

I believe you were being more honest in your first post than in this last one. Losing it when a betrayed asks questions about the affair shows your attitude about recovery. Yours is an attitude we pushed this away and I don't want to ever deal with it again.

It really shows him that you are more interested in moving on than you are about being open and honest with him.

Nothing helps. I don’t know what I can do to help him through this. It has been 5 years, and this is still a massive wall in between us that I want to tear down, but he doesn’t seem to be able to allow it. He doesn’t want to go back to counseling; he feels all they do is try to get him to move on to the present. He says he forgives me, but of course, it is never forgotten. He still cannot stop bringing it up.

Its because he is right. The counselors want him to move on because they don't have the knowledge of and the ability to help someone who has been betrayed by infidelity. While there have been HUGE strides in research over what infidelity does to the betrayed spouse, unfortunately most marriage councilors still think that forgiving and forgetting is a therapy option. It isn't because it doesn't deal with the underlying issues at hand.

Much new research on infidelity and affairs have started to show that the effects of an affair are the same as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) This is the same stuff that people in combat zones get.

Therapists don't tell their patients that the last time they were in Afghanistan was 5 years ago so you need to just move on.

It sounds like your husband in his gut knows what he needs from you, he keeps telling you what he needs by bringing it up.

In contrast. My wife and I on March 3rd of this year entered the beginning of our 4th year. She hasn't felt the need to ask me a question about the affair in months.

You keep saying nothing works, but I don't think you have tried the things that do work.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 1:52 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]