SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here. Hello.

I am 34, she is 26. A few weeks ago, I felt a change in my wife. We have been married two years, together for 7 and a half. She started to become more distant, and would spend a lot more time on her computer playing games that usual. She wouldn't call me or text me when she was on her way from or to work or at her lunch break. She is a gamer and a twitch streamer. Her streams would go until 4 or 5am, when they usually lasted until we went to bed. Last Saturday (it's Sunday of the next week) we were at my Dad's having drinks. I see her texting some guy and his name had emojis next to it. My name was the only other name in her phone that had emojis. I got a little mad, I texted her who the guy was. She said it was just a friend, she texts all her friends. About an hour later, we left. In the car we fought, I asked her to tell me the truth and she said she was telling me the truth. We had a pretty deep conversation about how some of the things I say and my attitude makes her feel bad about herself. This was the first time we've ever communicated problems in our marriage. My life has been a rollercoaster for a couple years. My black lab died Dec 2016 when he was 8 due to a spinal tumor. It was so hard to see him completely lose the use of his entire right half of his body. He just gave up. When we had to put him down, it was awful. Then my Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer in Feb 2017 and died July 2017. We decided to move back to California to be with my Dad, we moved back end of August 2017. I was just going through so much pain, it changed me as a person. I never sought help, I just swallowed it and confided in her. But I turned into more of an angry, OCD person. I would get mad that there were dishes in the sink, or clothes on the floor. Those were the things she was saying made her feel bad about herself.

I told her I will change my behavior. That night, we had very passionate sex and we just held each other. I apologized and said that I really wanted to see her phone but I wasn't going to ask her. She said 'yeah' then went to bed. I woke up the next day with the same bad feeling I had been having, it didn't go away. We had sex, I heard her begin to call out someone else's name before switching to mine, like she caught herself. Something was wrong, I felt it. That night I waited for her to fall asleep and I took her phone. There I found messages to some guy who lives in Florida that she met on her stream. Her messages were about what she would do to his cock, how she would fuck him, pics of her ass, selfies, that she really wants to see him but she's stuck in california and it's awful. She called him baby.

I confronted her and she bursted out crying saying how she has been feeling so sad and had no self esteem because of me for years, since the time we had been dating. She started to blame me for making her feel that way. I was devastated, I could not understand what I did to make her do this. She had never mentioned anything to me about this. She said yes when I asked her to marry me, she said yes when we talked about moving back home to be with my Dad.

We argued, it just seemed like I was to blame for this entire thing. And I started to believe it. I went over to my Dad's and he said to get my ass back into my house and work it out. I bought her a rose and gave it to her, and lied in the bed with her. The next day we both took off work and spent some time together. But it was impossible, she just didn't seem to have a good time. I said that I wanted to work it out, because if what she was saying is true, I need to fix myself. She said that she liked this guy and that she didn't want to stop talking to him.

Later in the day, we were talking and she asked for space. I packed a bag and went to my Dad's. However, I saw her playing a game with him. I went back to the house and caught her talking with him and playing Overwatch with him. I asked her why she was doing that, it was wrong. If she needed space, don't use it as freedom to spend time with him. I began sleeping on the couch.

Next, from reading this site, I started to do the 'pick me' dance. I started to do all the small things, like cook her dinner, signed up for anger management and therapy, etc. I smothered her because I wanted to show her I can change. I was so stupid, I can't believe I didn't come here sooner. This went on for a few days. I'd cook her dinner, or do something nice for her and we'd spend time together at night and play games. I saw her take selfies and swipe up notifications on her phone extremely fast. Her phone was on DND mode. I asked her if she was sending him selfies, she said no she just felt cute and to relax because she stopped talking to him a couple days ago. I just wanted to show her that I could spend time with her and that I wanted to change.

Her family arrived in town a couple days ago and they are here until Thursday of next week. This vacation was preplanned 6 months ago so they could come see us. During the first day, she walked out of her job. They decided to get a hotel and she packed a bag to stay with them because she wanted space. She ended up texting me at 830pm saying that she might come home and sleep on the couch since her family was going to bed and she wouldn't be able to sleep for a few hours. At midnight she texted saying 'Ive been on my phone for hours, Im just going to come home'. Obviously, I knew that she had been talking to him. She got home and we started talking. I asked her if she felt sorry at all, she said 'not really, you've been making me feel terrible for years'. I said that I am not stupid and I know she's still talking to him. She said, yes she has been talking to him.

I felt crushed. This has been the worst week of my life. I can't sleep, I've lost 10 pounds because I can't eat. I'm neurotic and constantly thinking about things, I can't get my brain to stop. I'm thinking about my future and how life as I know it is over. She says that she doesn't know if she can be happy with me. She says that I have made her so unhappy.

The next morning, I was getting ready for my therapy session and I was angry that she lied to me. I said to her that she should pack a bag and stay the rest of the week with her family in the hotel. I came back from the session and she was packing boxes. She thought I kicked her out so she was packing boxes and her Dad said he'd help her drive back to Wisconsin. I told her I didn't want her to go like that.

I know I have been acting stupid, I shouldn't have acted like I had to win her back. I realize now. I'm seeing a divorce lawyer and I think she's starting to realize the reality of the situation. I'm taking a more hard line. She walked out of her job two days ago, and it's dawning on her that she can't take the car back to Wisconsin since it's in my name.

We had a talk today. I told her that I hear her when she said she wanted separation. I hear her when she said she was interested in this guy and I hear her when she is unhappy. I said that she is free to do what she wants, she can go back to Wisconsin, she can visit this guy in Florida, she can stay. I am committed to this relationship, but she has to be too. I want her to visit the guy in Florida so that it makes the virtual relationship 'real'. I don't know my thought process on that but maybe she'll realize that she doesn't like/love him if she meets him in person. She said to stop talking about him, I'm guessing because it makes her feel bad. I just want to give her space so she can make up her mind. I said that if she wants to go back to Wisconsin she can buy a plane ticket, or rent a u-haul but the car has to stay in California since it's my legal and financial responsibility since it's in my name. She got mad at me and said that she knew I'd do this, that I'd fuck her over because I always get what I want and I control everything. I want to stay and work it out, she wants to leave.

I'm sorry for this wall of text I just found this site a few days ago. I am so confused, hurt, broken. I've cried more this past week than I had in the past year and my Mom and dog died. Right now, I am giving her space and I think she is starting to realize the weight of her decisions. She is starting to realize that this isn't just leaving some boyfriend and taking half of the bank account. We just bought a house 3 months ago. We built a life for 7 years and she's trying to throw it away.

I still think she is going to go back to Wisconsin with her family. I told her I will serve her divorce papers. If she needs time to think, she can wait on signing them. I am heading out there to train for my company in a little over 5 weeks and I will meet up with her. If she wants to divorce, she can hand me the signed papers. If she wants to stay with me, we can tear them up and start rebuilding. I told her that I need to see commitment from her to work on herself, as well as us. But I can't make her.

I'm sorry again for the wall, I know I missed some details. Please ask questions if there's anything missing. I am just so broken. My life seems over and the ball is in her court. It cuts me up that she would do this and then try and blame me. I know it's not my fault she cheated, but I'm starting to believe it. It's my fault that I didn't hold up my 50 end of our marriage. I'm working on that, going to therapy, etc. I just can't believe she doesn't feel remorse. And that she lied. This person I thought I knew. Why did she marry me if she was so broken down for years? Why did she agree to move out here if she was so broken down for years? I can't understand at all. And all I can think about is that I love her and I want her back. I feel so pathetic.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:05 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

All you're getting is blameshifting to justify her affair. There is no justification for what she's doing. This is on her 100%. You need to wake up. Cut the "pick me" dance act. Never leave your home!!!

This is very typical cheater script. They all do it. This happens all the time. You need to understand she is a very typical lieing cheating wife. Nothing special here at all except it's happening to you.

If it were me I'd inform her family pack her bags and send her back with them.

Sending her to consummate her affair with her other man just make you look very weak and passive. Extremely unnattractive when you should be strong and taking control of yourself.

Wallowing in infidelity which is what you're doing is going to get you walked on even further.

She cheats and you try and nice her back? Buy her gifts. That is telling her you'll put up with her behavior and she can do whatever she pleases.

She wants separation to get you out of the way and make more time with her boyfriend.

Wake up!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 10:22 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

I still think she is going to go back to Wisconsin with her family. I told her I will serve her divorce papers. If she needs time to think, she can wait on signing them. I am heading out there to train for my company in a little over 5 weeks and I will meet up with her. If she wants to divorce, she can hand me the signed papers. If she wants to stay with me, we can tear them up and start rebuilding. I told her that I need to see commitment from her to work on herself, as well as us. But I can't make her.

Why are you giving her total control over you and your fate?

She married you and took vows.

Inform her family what's up. She'll be rewriting your marital history to them to gain their support if you don't.

Quit living in fear or being affraid of pushing her away. She already left. Your strength at this time is the only thing you have. Better start using it

Talking will get you nowhere. You need actions.

Is there no hope for working out at all? Also her family knows and they are mad at me, but are also mad at her. But in the end they will support her.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:11 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

It takes two to reconcile. You can't do it alone.

Exposure might wake her up. Affairs only thrive in secrecy and dark.

What you've been doing isn't and won't work.

Get strong and stay there.

I guess I have been a little more lenient because she has low self esteem and used to cut herself. If I truly do have problems, I can work on them. I read about giving her space, but you all think that it's just an excuse for her to continue with this guy? I was thinking that she might just figure out that it's a fantasy.

She has not shown remorse at all. I just don't understand. I know that is a sign that I should divorce her, but I want to make sure. That's why I'm serving her but giving her space to figure out if she wants to sign or not.

Is that not a good way? I am so confused, I just can't think straight.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:29 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

Hi Fale,

First off, I am very sorry to hear about your mom passing away. That must be very sad and difficult for you. And then losing your beloved pet. And now you are dealing with this.

I am sure you feel totally overwhelmed.

Are you seeing a therapist? If you are not, I strongly urge that you do.

As for your WW, I think she seems very immature. The gaming has got to stop. This seems to be problematic for her. Is this how she spends a majority of her free time?

I think you are giving her too much leeway and control. I don’t care how emotional she is, she cannot be sexting another man while she is married. This has to be a non-starter for you.

I think you need to move full-steam ahead and have her served. She does not appear to be a safe partner for you. Her attitude towards you is completely indifferent.

File. It might wake her up and it might not. But you can’t continue to live like this.

[This message edited by Zamboni at 12:36 AM, September 24th (Monday)]

Yeah I am going to try and serve her before she leaves on Thursday. I'm assuming she'll buy a plane ticket or something. The car is in my name and she doesn't have a job, so the car stays. Her Dad might do something, like co-sign a refinance so they can take my name off the car. Which frankly, I am fine with.

I don't know the timeline for serving, but I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow.

She games every day, she streams on twitch as well. It is unhealthy. I like playing games as well but I have learned to temper it more as I got older. She is very immature, she's throwing a tantrum because I found her out and I'm not doing what she wants me to do. I want to work it out, I'm not about to make it easier for her to leave though.

My only question is why bother? I mean I said that if she wants she can take time back home and figure out if she wants a divorce. But I know that she'll just be shielded by her friends, family and him from thinking about what she has done and continue to blame me. I might serve her and then when I'm back for training in a month ask her if she's ready. That's the only solution I can think of, I know I have to be strong. I know I have to kick her to the curb, but I want to reconcile. She has to want to as well, I know and I want to give her space to think about it. But I just think she's going to have too much of an echo chamber and our marriage is done anyway.

I can't sleep at all. Yesterday she said that the guy is not the reason she is leaving. The main reason is that she is unhappy. How is this possible when they are still talking? Why is she completely showing indifference to me? She's unwilling to stop talking to him, unwilling to work it out. It's so hard to accept the fact that she is probably gone.

Why is she downplaying the guy and making the fact that she's unhappy the main reason? It's tearing me apart.

I was thinking that she might just figure out that it's a fantasy.

People in affair fog don't figure things out on their own. You have to be a catalyst, preferably by blowing up the fantasy.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:14 AM, September 24th (Monday)]

She says these things because she cannot face who and what she is. This is cognitive dissonance. Believe nothing she says and 50% of her actions. Cheaters will lie and lie some more. She cannot admit to being a self serving individual willing to betray her husband for next to nothing....for not supporting him during his time of loss. Instead she would rather have an EA and sext with someone and game or stay online all the time.

It is very difficult for cheaters to admit who and what they are and the acts they have accomplished.

I'm sorry you are here and btw your wife is full of shit.

No matter what you do to change yourself, it won't work.

She's in an imaginary world where she has to be the good guy.

She's finding reasons to justify her having a boyfriend and having an affair.

We've all been through what she's telling you.

I worked my ass off to become a better man in her eyes. It didn't work, do you know why? Because something inside of her was broken.

Don't tell her she doesn't have to sign the divorce papers.

Just tell her that you would like to work on the marriage, but you can't with another man involved.

Then tell her she can speak to your attorney about everything else.

You know that you are trying to nice her back.

Listen to us. We have extensive experience in this department.

Her parents are doing nothing to help her by enabling her behavior. She needs to grow up and learn how to handle responsibility.

She said she is going to fly home. I don't even know what to do. I want to give her time, but I feel like I should serve her. I don't know what to do. If she goes home for a month, maybe she stops talking to this guy and works out issues by herself. But she's going to be in an echo chamber.

The way I see it, I have two choices. I serve her papers and make her sign it before she leaves on Thursday. Or I send her home with the papers and meet her in a month or so and we talk.

I'm so lost.

Have her served papers. Divorce takes time. Maybe being served will help get her head out of her ass and act. All you can do is go by her actions. And her actions are saying that she values OM more then you.

You choose to value yourself by having her served. You have the right to be in fully committed relationship. She I'd breaking that commitment. You can not control her. You can only control yourself and react to her selfish actions. You can not compete against fantasy man. You can say that I refuse to share her with someone else.

Part of your problem Falc is that you're trying to find reason where there is none. Your cheating wife is not in a reasonable state of mind. She's in fantasy land and is blaming you for every bad thing that has happened and that she's been doing.

You're not going to find reason or sense in anything that she's saying or doing. Don't waste your time trying. We've all been where you are; we're speaking from experience.

You're in a lot of pain right now and your head is spinning. This is normal. Again, we've all been there. And because we've been there, we can see things that you aren't seeing right now. When posters say you need to take control of the crazy train that you're on, they say it from their own personal hindsight.

You've got to go nuclear in order to bring sense and calm back into your life. Everyone needs to know what's going on; friends, family, etc. You need to have her served as quickly as possible in order to blast her out of her fog. Separate your accounts; take her name off of everything; remove her legally from your stuff. Make it so that she has no access to your money and things. Make it so that she has to get a job and earn her own money. She says she wants to separate; give her a separation; from your money, your things, and your support. Let her know what it will feel like without you in her life. Go 100% silent. Don't communicate with her, her family, her friends; disappear from her life.

Then wait to see what she does. If she cares for you or your money/things she'll come begging back. If she stays angry and moves on then she was gone already and there was nothing you could do to change that anyway.

Sorry about your situation.

Your CHEATING WW is not a candidate for R, she dosn't even want it, file for D NOW, don't ask her it's her choice to sign or not, this makes you look weak and give her total control of the situation, DEMAND that she does sign it, D takes a long time and you can always stop it if she comes back around and shows true remorse and commits to NC FOREVER with OM, she would also need to find a job and cut the gaming time, give you access to her phone and ALL electronic devices on demand, there's no such a thing as privacy in a M other than toilet time. Also EXPOSE the A with ALL family and friends. "More Space" almost never works and just means more time to talk/meet with OM without having to deal with you.

You need Shock and Awe, it's said here in SI, you must be willing to END your M in order to SAVE it, so file for D TODAY and have her served, meaning YOU control the process and don't allow her to beat you to the punch and have you served (yes she's thought about it), then do a HARD 180, don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her and start detaching, go to IC, tell her to contact you through your D attorney only, if that doesn't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, either way you get yourself out of infidelity.

You have a very short M and no children (right?), if I was you I would D regardless and not risk thiss happening 10 years from now and a few children later in the mix. Keep posting, this is a crucial time and you want to have the collective wisdom of SI supporting you.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:15 PM, September 24th (Monday)]

I recently discovered my husband's online affair so I know exactly how you feel.. the betrayal is very real despite it being an online/texting relationship.. I think these type of relationships become very, very addicting and are probably hard to let go. My husband stayed in contact with his AP for a week after I initially discovered it, silly me just assumed once I knew about it that he would automatically give it up. He didn't. She needs to go NC, period. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Warning, tough love coming.

You’re older than her, start acting like an adult. Tell her if she leaves the divorce will be finilized. You can’t make a dinner if you’re Not in the kitchen.

Her wanting space, is code for “let me talk to the other guy while you’re on the sidelines”

Hardcore 180 for you Now.

You deserve better than to beg your wife not to F*ck other guys

[This message edited by BBBD at 12:47 PM, September 24th (Monday)]