SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 2 years confessed to me that she had an affair with a co worker she started a new job with 6 months into our marriage. This actually happened about 2 months ago but it still feels like it happened yesterday. I still have a hard time believing because we had such a trusting relationship. We literally told each other every thought we had. She wasn't even capable of telling me small lies. We were each other's best friend and did everything together. We hardly had friends outside of each other. She cried a lot telling me and said she was so sorry. She wants us to work it out as long as I still do. The affair lasted the entire time she was at that job, 6 months. They would have sex at work because it was the only way to get away with it without making up more lies about going somewhere. She said sex happened about 6 times over the 6 months. They worked alone in an office everyday. He was doing everything he could to have sex all the time, telling her he loved her, telling her he couldn't live without her. She hated herself after every time and constantly wanted to tell me. She left that job almost a year ago and has spoke to him twice since then but says they haven't done anything. She confessed because she couldn't take the guilt anymore. She now has blocked contact with the other guy and he apparently moved out of state.

Our marriage was great to me until the affair started. Then she started telling me she wasn't in love with me and how she thought I would be happier with someone else. She blamed me a lot for not spending enough time with her and not romancing her more. But she would also say things like she doesn't think she is a good wife and we don't have enough in common. We hardly had sex for those 6 months of the affair. I tried to do more to make her feel special and wanted but they were all pointless. I got nothing back but cold responses. This was devastating to my self esteem at the time and I quickly gave up. We basically maintained a good roommate style relationship for a year and a half. We still did everything together, still told each other we loved each other, still had sex occasionally. I thought things could eventually get better, but I was also terribly confused and felt she might be looking towards divorce because she simply didn't like me anymore. I hate who I was then. The guy who couldn't see what was happening under his nose and the guy who didn't man up and fight to earn back her love or end the marriage. I just buried my head and told myself everything was fine.

What makes this pain in my life almost unbearable is she was my special love. I never had any relationships before her and she was my first at 25. I never thought I would be as happy as I was with her. She has her baggage but I still love her. She was molested as a child by her step father and her mother let him stay in the house until she graduated. The step father is gone but the mother is still involved in our lives. Her mother is nice but my wife understandably doesn't forgive her for choosing her husband over protecting her child. This trauma torments her constantly and a lot of my efforts go to supporting and understanding it as much as I can. I believe now that even though she loves me, she measures love mostly on how much someone wants her. If our romance and passion wasn't as strong, then she felt unloved. She didn't seem to have a foundation of 7 years of earned trust and caring love, if the passion weakened then she felt I was done with her. She was quick to give up, protect herself and do what she needed to make herself happy. I know I'm not blameless. It was my job as a husband to remind her and always make her feel special and important. I just didn't know anything was missing until she started the affair and by that time, she was only finding ways to tear at our marriage.

Because this is my only love and only heartbreak, I feel like a depressed teenager. I hate that I wasn't enough for her, and I hate myself now, spending most days in regret of the past and simply wanting my future to not exist. I thought my life was great and on track to be everything I never thought I would have. Why if I think of my life without her do I not want anything else? We don't have kids, but I have a great job, a house, and loving family. All of which I don't want if I can't have her. I've never been this low and everyday feels worse. Eventually I can't see how I'm not going to do something I can't take back.

We're seeing a marriage counselor, only had 1 session so far. Things aren't great. My pain and her extreme guilt seem to hold us apart. I don't think she wants to get close because she knows how bad she hurt me. And I don't know what forgiving her looks like. The extra hurdle is I've told my immediate family and she's told hers, to confide in loved ones and help with the loneliness of this pain. But now we have close family we use to see regularly to deal with. She is understandably too embarrassed to face my family.

How do I get through this? What can help me make clear decisions?

First stop marriage counseling until you both get individual counseling and figure yourselves out. Marriage counseling is step two.

Second, you did nothing nor could you have done anything to cause her to choose another man. That's all on her. There are millions of people with bad marriages and neither choose to cheat so blaming a poor marriage is a cop-out for her. She simply liked the attention, had no boundaries to deal with it, and chose to take her clothes off for a player; not bright.

Third, you don't have the whole truth. If she wasn't giving you sex for six months then that means she was getting it daily from him. Don't accept her lies. She's doing damage control and withholding the truth. This is standard cheater response. Expect that there's much that you aren't being told.

Fourth, her former family dysfunction has nothing to do with her current decisions. It's another cop-out to blame childhood incidents or poor upbringing for current bad behavior. Everyone knows that you don't cheat, distant victim-hood has nothing to do with that choice.

Fifth, your wife is not a safe partner right now. You must realize this and decide if she's worth the pain of waiting for her to attempt to fix herself. You are not broken; she is. You also can't fix her; she has to fix herself and you aren't going to know if she's truly completed the job for quite a while.

Sixth, you have to decide if you can get over what she's done. There are those who can forgive and move on with a former cheater but even they have a different opinion of their partner. Right now you want to cling to her because you fear life without her. This will change and you'll eventually come a a place where you're not so assured that you even like her as a person much less even want to be around her. That's when your head brings you to a crossroad where you must decide which path you're going to take with or without her.

Make sure you get tested for STD's. Also, make sure you don't have children with her for the next couple of years. You're going to need that time to get your head on straight and you don't want to bring kids into a potentially bad situation. Don't make any promises to her. Don't make any major decisions for the next year. Don't make any long term commitments that involve both of you; give yourself time to heal first.

Read in the Healing Library about what true remorse looks like. Read other people's posts; you'll see that you're not alone and your situation is not unique. Take all advice with a grain of salt but don't just toss it aside; really think about what you're hearing here. Take care of yourself; get a gym membership, change up your routine, do things that make you feel good about yourself. Build yourself up in every way possible and become highly successful. You are worth it. And always remember that you are the prize in this marriage; she needs to work to keep you otherwise she's out.

Lots of things to say to you but the best advice I can give is for you to read on this site. You'll see that a lot of people have this unreasonable picture of their spouse before an Affair. I am starting to wonder if this putting the spouse on a pedestal somehow contributes to the Wayward feeling like they can get away with infidelity. I love and adore my wife but I know that she has faults and I know that I can get along well in life without her. She feels the same way about me. I think that helps keep us both in line. You need to get this view of your WW out of your head, she is not now nor was she ever as saintly as you think.

Also I think it is a mistake for you to be in MC. Your WW needs to be in IC and she needs to find out her reasons for this. Marriage counseling is going to focus on fixing the marriage. Your WW is broken, whether that is from CSA which seems likely, doesn't matter right now. She needs to be fixed before your marriage can be fixed.

She said sex happened about 6 times over the 6 months.

Ohh and this is a lie. She continues to lie to you. There is no way she stopped having sex with you and only had sex with him once a month. She stopped having sex with you to be faithful to her boyfriend. You should just add a zero to the six and consider that the number. Start insisting that she be truthful to you at least. She needs to start showing you some respect.

Dude,

So sorry you are here but glad you found us. Welcome to the best club that no one ever wanted to join. Right now take care of yourself: food, WATER and rest. This will be a rough ride, but you can make it. Others will be along to give concrete suggestions on your situation, but for now, please realize you've been heard and we've got your back!

Sending you strength and Bro Hugs!

Dismayed is spot on. I don't know about 6 or 60 times, but usually cheaters lie and continue to lie, so expect some trickle truth. I had her do a polygraph (two actually) before I got to the bottom of it. Best to rip that bandaid off and get it all out on the table.

My wife and I went into marriage counseling and it was absolutely awful... WW got a venue to blame me for everything wrong in the marriage as she continued to screw the OM week after week, month after month. So just NO on the MC until she fixes herself and her fucked up perspective, which is really fucked up, no doubt.

DON'T blame yourself for not being enough this or that. My WW's OM was a weasely, worthless piece of shit that harbored a minor when he was 37. Somehow my wife thought he hung the moon... It was about 18 months before the shine finally wore off and then she realized she had been completely insane. As my friend told me, "If you had lined up 100 guys to pick from, he would have been #100).

So it's not about you. It's not even about the OM as much. It's about your wife being BROKEN and SELFISH, like a person who is drowning and is pulling those who are near her under.

So don't try to save her, don't pander to the madness. Don't give her a venue to blame you or other (marriage counseling). Just put some distance between you (see the 180 in the healing library) give her the book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald, and point her to a good IC that has experience in adultery. Please detach from the shit show that is now her mind and let her fix herself.

I didn't do that and it hurt me even worse than I can possibly convey.

Once she is well on the way to being better, you can reengage and maybe reconcile. That's up to you.

NP5

They worked alone together in an isolated office. Had a sexual affair. No way was it just 6 times in 6 months. 6 times a week, for 6 months, is probably closer to the truth.

Also, she didn't hate herself every day. That's a fabrication intended to minimize, something that all cheaters do. Lie. Trickle Truth. Minimize.

I echo everything everybody above said.

Also, go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page) and read about The 180. Implement that into your life. This is to give you space to clear your head.

You're not even 30 yet. No kids. She is messed up. Life with her is going to be difficult in the best of circumstances, but now she has created a big fat shit sandwich that you have to munch on for life. My advice would be to separate for a while and strongly consider divorcing her. Move on. Lots of fish in the sea.

MOLC -

I still have a hard time believing because we had such a trusting relationship. We literally told each other every thought we had. She wasn't even capable of telling me small lies. We were each other's best friend and did everything together. We hardly had friends outside of each other.

This is who you thought she was. She has shown you who she really is. Why did she leave her job? Does she still have contact with the other guy?

She's lying, she's basically been cheating on you for most of your M, get tested for STDs immediately, yes she's been exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases.

She now has blocked contact with the other guy and he apparently moved out of state.

She probably told you now that her boyfriend moved to another state (could be a lie too), they've been in contact all this time, she's probably still protecting him and don't want you to tell his wife/girlfriend if any. Another thing, this may not have been her first rodeo and they could be other OMs, demand she gives you her phone and use a tex recovery app, also demand she takes a polygraph to back up her story.

But honestly you're really newlyweds, No kids, RUN don't walk and save yourself from lots of heartbreak and infidelity 5-10 years from now and a few children later, making things even more complicated, she's shown you who she is..

With her background, she may have a Cluster B personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), etc.

My ex had a similar background. Read "Walking on Eggshells" or research BPD and NPD. Keep in mind though, that a lot of the attributes fit all of us. These are "spectrum disorders" - how far out are they?

I regret not divorcing years earlier. I was in the same boat - first love, etc. The beginnings of relationships with these types are intense - deep, deep connection right away. (Split white). Then, suddenly, everything you do is wrong, and you can't find a way to fix it! You've been "split black".

Therapists generally don't tell their patients that they are NPD or BPD, because there is little hope for change.

You have no kids, and you chose poorly. Me too, but I had kids and tried to make it work for a long time. Don't get her pregnant under any circumstances, you may be due for an "accident".

MOLC,

The guy who couldn't see what was happening under his nose

This is perfectly normal, it happened to all of us.

and the guy who didn't man up and fight to earn back her love or end the marriage. .

This is called pick me dance and it never works. Don’t ever think that way! She will need to win you back.

Do you know why she confessed? Did she lose her job because of the affair?

Ask for NC, then inform the AP spouse. Get tested for STD.

Is the OM married. Either way he gave her the boot. Most probably that is why WW came back to you. She may be feeling used and you are Plan B. If you R, there is a good chance you will face the same situation in the future. Denying intimacy to you is the ultimate loyality to the POS

I don't think she wants to get close because she knows how bad she hurt me.

the real reason may be she still missing pos. you are her safety, internally she may be not passionate about it

[This message edited by goalong at 5:59 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

Welcome to the best club no one wants to join.

You’re being lied to. There zero chance she’s telling you the full story about the sex or frankly anything. You’ve discovered that your WW is a liar and a cheater. You can’t trust anything she says.

Be glad you found out before having kids because that’s a whole other thing. Do you really want to put the many years in and hope you can ever trust her again? Your decision of course. I would run for the hills and find a woman worthy of you.

You don’t need to decide now. Take your time. Best of luck whatever you do.

the guy who didn't man up and fight to earn back her love or end the marriage.

Who is this fight with?

Your wife? How do you fight when she has chosen to bang another guy for at least 6 months while still a newlywed?

It isn't you and her against the evil world, it is you for you and the marriage, and her for cheating with a man at work.

Has she told you that it didn't mean anything, it was just sex and she now loves you? That it was all a mistake?

How do you fight that mindset.

I chose my first love too. It hurts and nothing seems right any longer. The place to begin is with the truth. If she's holding back out of fear, no healing can happen. She needs to trust you and answer your questions. If she wants to keep hiding that's not a good sign. It worries me that this happened so soon. Was she in a work situation like this before? Not an excuse but sometimes people get swept away in situations they are young and fall prey to cunning and deceit. Yes, she should have said no right away and told you. She needs to build self esteem so she can fend off future predators.

The first 6 months of your marriage is still the easy fun honeymoon stage. It's very difficult to believe her timeline. She either is lying about the timeline or she never loved you.

Do you have a factual basis not to be suspicious that your wife:

- knew the OM prior to marrying you

- and continued the affair up to her confession

- and then only confessed because the OM's wife found out and threatened to spill the beans to you

Sorry to see you here, but you are in the right place. You are already getting some solid information. The one thing that I will add here is that even though I am new here as well, I will tell you to get out while you can. DO NOT get her pregnant under any circumstances and get your financials in order.

I have 2 kids and am on the fence about which way my M is going to go because WW is not the most communicative and is rugsweeping so I never know where I stand. You don't have kids to worry about so you could literally get out and not look back (other than whatever financial settlement you reach).

It is understandable to want to try to save it, but I doubt a lot of the information that she is giving you is correct. It took me a couple of months and a lot of snooping to find out everything so I can almost guarantee you haven't gotten the whole story yet.

Hi myonlylovecheate, sorry you find yourself here. Your story resonates with me. My WW and I were both our firsts. My WW also has/is dealing with childhood issues, albeit, not sexual abuse.

One thing that yoinsaid struck me as I have had similar thoughts was the comment about making her feel special and loved. I beat myself up about this after my 1st dday. I took responsibility for what I saw then as my failings as a husband. I then asked myself, what did my WW do for me, as my "loving" wife, to make me feel special and wanted. It's a two way street. During my WW's last A, she was distant, cold, depressed, etc. I did try my best to help her but in hindsight, she was being played by her AP.

She was spending time with him or corresponding with him, while taking time away from us. Looking back (3+ years now), I realize now, I was a decent husband, loyal,honest, a good provider, a good father, etc. She wasn't a good wife at all during this period. Please don't beat yourself up about things you didn't even know were problem at the time. You didnt cheat, lie, sneak around and manipulate her, she did this to you!

I agree with others about MC. Too early, she needs to seek IC and deal with her demons before you two can work on the M.

I basically forced my WW (ultimatum) to seek intense IC. She did and continues to go. The funny thing about it is, she told me a few weeks ago she feels she is working on our M alone. Hahaha, really, I was trying to work on our M for 3 years, all while she continued to lie and hide details from me. My WW's IC is good. Took us 3-4 different ones to find one we both like.

Just my $0.02. You are not responsible for her A. Her trauma from childhood didnt make her cheat. She had poor boundaries, acted selfishly, and make horrible choices.

Stop the MC and both of you go to IC.

Look her past hurts may have had contributed to not only her affair, but likely contributed to her dysfunction in your M. Stop the MC immediately. Take a stand with that. You can't rebuild good M with two broken people. MC will be talking around the A without doing anything to heal it. You need to heal and she does. First, then the M can be built again. Building the same M you had will lead you directly back to this point later in your life. Imagine you catch her in the future only this time there are kids, finances and a whole host of complications.

Her distance was to try and keep her secret. It was a means to try and keep the A going on. Nothing you did or did not do made her have an A. If nothing else remember that.

She choose to do this and she needs to confront everything about herself if there is any chance of her becoming a self partner. She needs very focused and repeated therapy for the abuse in her past. Nothing else is going to prevent this from happening again. Nothing else. Not everyone is strong enough to work through their past and if she can't then I am really sorry you need to move on if you want the life you always envisioned. Not all M survive infidelity and that is OK.

She says she will "never do it again." Of course I'd bet she'd say she would never cheat on you when you guys got M'd. What has changed ? Why is it different this time ?

I think you need to be guarded. Seeing an IC will help you organize these thoughts and see through the likely manipulation she is more than likely using to stay M to her. I bet all the money in my pocket she has only told you "some" of the details. She has a very jaded view of what love is. She thought she loved you, but in reality she "thought" she loved you.

At this stage in the game she thinks staying M erases her mistake. It doesn't. Only grace and forgiveness can let it fade into the background. No do overs. What is done is done.

She is the one true love ? If you have nothing to compare it to how do you know that ?

Look I know I sound very direct and like I said you need to leave her. I am successfully reconciled myself and am an abuse survivor to boot. I get that you are very confused right now and very hurt. I am very sorry. I know what that pain is like. I lived it myself.

Please listen to us. This story can have a happy ending, but that might not mean your M survives this. It is imperative that you do. IC is best thing I ever did for myself.

MC can occur but that is much, much later on. On another note MC vary widely in what they do. One that is not as experienced in infidelity will do more harm than good.

Lastly, I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you sound horribly co-dependent. That needs to be addressed immediately. She likely has the same issue, but she has bigger things to work on right now.

IC like today for both of you.

You need to realise the following:

She was right when she said she was not a good wife; and

She stopped and told you only after he dumped her.