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Black and white thinking is something that I see contributed and contributes greatly to my betrayals as well as my continued struggle to see things as they are and make real progress towards reconciliation. IT is something that I have been aware of for awhile but in the last couple of days I have had the realization that it contributes in my mood swings as well. Everything is either perfect and great or it's terrible and everything is wrong. So if one thing is wrong then it's bad. I know this isn't true but talking myself into not feeling that way is still proving difficult. In some talks with my BH I see that I have a lot of work to do in holding on to two emotions, both that things are terrible and so much damage has been done and that there are things to be grateful and happy about.

Does anyone else struggle with black and white thinking? What has helped you work towards a healthier point of view? How do you accept all the pain and damage and not wallow? How do you have happy moments and then not feel bad for having them? How do you have good times together while still holding on to the knowledge of the pain you have inflicted?

I have a lifetime history of having been a very black-and-white thinker. I wasn't really cognizant of it until after my mental health diagnoses three years ago (depression, anxiety, PTSD/complex-PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder). In the process of trying to work with and recover from those issues I read as much information, and as many books and articles as I could, about all of these disorders and about black-and-white/dualistic/polarized thinking, as well as other cognitive distortions.

At the time of my diagnoses I was about a year and a half out from discovering my H's affair and was working with my third post-dday IC. I was very much wrapped up in a "victim role" (yes, I had been victimized, but I took on a victim "role" by allowing myself to believe that I was helpless to overcome the pain or change my life). That victim role contributed to, and increased the intensity of, my mental health issues. The IC, noticing this, recommended the book "Thoughts and Feelings" by Matthew McKay. Thank goodness for that - what an eye opener that book was for me!! I learned not just about black-and-white thinking, but about all of the other cognitive distortions/patterns of limited thinking that I was engaging in, such as filtering, overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, personalizing, etc. The book helped me to recognize these distortions, as well as develop alternative and more balanced thoughts when I noticed them arising.

An example from the book that I have used for addressing polarized thinking is to rate things in percentages -

so instead of saying:

"OMG, I'm ALWAYS late for EVERYTHING"

I reflect and say:

"I do have a tendency to be late for things, but I still make it on time for at least 60% of my appointments."

Another book that helped me was "Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder" by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. It is geared to people with BPD, but I highly recommend it to anyone who is going through any type of emotional suffering, because it is loaded full of great mindfulness exercises that are easy to understand and practice. And mindfulness is such an excellent tool for exploring our thinking and behaviour from a place of "attention, awareness and curiosity", which allows us to recognize and break ineffective patterns.

"Watch and notice", also known as the "observe" skill in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, is a mindfulness skill that encourages you to pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling. When you pay attention, you begin to see the automatic responses that you have, and how you

"tend to collect evidence - in the form of thoughts, memories, experiences, or cognitive distortions - that validates how you are feeling in the present moment".

You can Google "confirmation bias" for more info on that.

The second skill of mindfulness is "labelling", also known as the "describe" skill in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. This skill is about putting words to your experience in a "factual and non-judgmental" way - noticing without evaluating. That means trying to "detach your opinions, approval, or disapproval from what IS".

Another great source I used to become more mindful, more self-aware, more open to my "blind spots", and more balanced in my thinking has been Pema Chodron. I have converted a number of her YouTube videos into mp3 format and have them loaded on my phone so I can listen to them whenever and wherever I want. I found her talks "Dealing With Difficult Emotions", "Going To The Places That Scare You", and "The Freedom of Choosing Something Different" quite helpful. (I believe I have links to all of them in my profile, if you're interested in checking them out).

DBT, the "Mindfulness for BPD" book, and Pema's videos also talk about the development of self-compassion and (radical) acceptance as part of mindfulness practice, as they help you to develop the skill of non-judgment toward yourself and others.

A really good source for learning to develop self-compassion is Kristin Neff. She has a book called "Self Compassion" that is full of exercises you can do to reinforce the material and concepts in the book. She also has a TEDTalk and a couple of YouTube videos in which she discusses the idea of self compassion (again, you can find links to a few of them in my profile).

It has been the combination of all of these concepts, teachings and resources that has allowed me to recognize, challenge and change my thinking and to be able to hold two (seemingly) contradictory ideas at the same time, thereby furthering my healing.

The key for me has been practicing these things regularly, in all areas of my life. I'm not perfect at it, nor do I aim to be, because that's unrealistic. I work on continuous improvement instead.

Paying attention in my daily interactions and activities, watching for and catching judgmental thinking and cognitive distortions in myself and in others. Looking for alternate ways to look at things - different perspectives and points of view.

If you read enough posts on SI you will begin to see that there are a lot of cognitive distortions (including black-and-white/polarized thinking) that occur in many threads. Start paying attention to them. Pay attention to the responses to those posts. Pay attention to the thoughts and physical sensations that arise when you are reading them. Pay attention to any judgments that come into your mind. Practice labelling the cognitive distortions you see in others AND in yourself. In your head, or in a notepad/journal, see if you can come up with alternate thoughts or perspectives. If you noticed yourself making a judgment about a person or situation described or a judgment about yourself as you were reading, get curious about where that judgment came from. Is there another way to look at it?

Practice doing the same thing in your every day life. Try catching yourself when you hear yourself saying the words "always", "never", "all", "nothing", "everybody", "nobody", and "should", "ought", "must", and replace them with more balanced words/statements.

Catch yourself when you label yourself or someone else either "good" or "bad", "wonderful" or "horrible", "smart" or "stupid", "happy" or "sad", etc - remind yourself that "people are too complex to be reduced to either-or judgments, and often fall somewhere along a continuum between those extremes", and can also display characteristics of both of those (seemingly) conflicting positions, so train yourself to look for the dialectic. Where do you fit on the continuum? Do you fit on both sides? What percentages would you give for each side?

If you consistently and continuously practice these skills, over time they will help you to improve your thinking, which in turn will help you discover the answers to your questions.

I'm sorry I have given you another long post with a lot of info in it to get through. I'm still working on learning how to be more concise!! I know there are things I forgot to touch on, but you will find them in the materials I've suggested.

I'm glad to see you are still posting btw.

^^^ really good info! I think like this, at times, and although I’m not an always or never in every day life, anything infidelity related is almost always black and white for me. No apologies.

Thank you onlytime for your response. I am really grateful for the resources you have listed and sharing the tactics you have found helpful.

I read through this a couple times today and am paying attention a bit better to the complexities of what I’m feeling. I will respond more, tomorrow, but I wanted to take a quick moment to thank you.

Sorry. I was the complete opposite before I got it. I was always gray and living for the moment. I became more black and white afterward. Choosing to hurt people for selfish gains, is IMO a black and white decision. You either do or you don't. Not that that applies to your OP. Just pointing out. I think there is a little of both in life. Some things that should only be black and white and some things that are gray and being gray only if other people suffering at your hands is not part of the equation for gray to exist.

Wallowing. You own it and accept who you became. You take pride in each day that you choose the better road. Building up your self esteem in yourself that you chose the harder path. You chose not to wallow but work. I guess it was easier for me because before I owned it I was a Peter Pan. You feel guilt and shame and should. You still move forward to being better. Can't feel shame and guilt for being better. You allow and trust your spouse's opinion of who you become. To do anything otherwise is still hurting them and choosing to be selfish if you wallow in guilt and shame. Let them take the lead after you own it. Trust in their grace. Do more and do some bucket list items with them. Do some charity. Help instead of take. Build up your pride and integrity with selfless actions rooted in different motivations.

I think what you are describing is actually a form of distorted thinking called catastophizing. That’s a good one to google and read about. I have learned about this because I too was guilty of it.

Only time’s advice is very good. Mindfulness of our thoughts are important. We must understand that we tell ourselves stories. Some of the construct of those stories originate clear back to childhood and can be helpful to look at FOO issues.

I will also say that the book “the power of now” by Eckhart Tolle was very helpful to me with this. It’s a book you have to read a little at a time and take time to reflect. Meditation can help a lot too.

The goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to teach patients that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment.

^^^^.

Might wanna study it.

That's what I did and we called it something else. All or nothing thinking I think. But really this comes down to walking in the truth. If you ask yourself if something is true, look at your thoughts in light of truth it's the same. I disagree with not evaluating because we can with our will reject a thought or agree with it. And that is important. I think looking at a thought and evaluating it for goodness and truth rejecting the bad is the foundation for changed behavior.

Sow a thought reap an action. Sow an action reap a habit. Sow a habit reap a character. Sow a character reap a destiny.

I'm not a fan of some forms of meditation for that reason. I think we must constantly frisk our thoughts at the doors of or minds looking for destructive ideas and refusing them entry.

@Onlytime

Thank you again for your comments and resources, I have the materials heading my way to check them out. Being able to hold to seemingly contradictory ideas or feelings is the goal. The only way to leave my old self behind is to make steps forward and I find my old self holding on so tightly.

I'm not perfect at it, nor do I aim to be, because that's unrealistic. I work on continuous improvement instead.

Each time I act or say something that is reactive, behaviors that show I still engage in wayward thinking any progress feels completely wiped away--like I question that I have made any progress at all because if I have why did I get it wrong?

@sewardak: That's interesting, there is absolutely a place for assigning values like right and wrong and infidelity falls quite squarely in the wrong category. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

@ZugZwang: yes you're right there are some very black and white things in the world. I agree that making choices and doing things that are steps towards being a better person are imperative to fighting against shame and guilt. How did you deal with it when you didn't get it right? Either you thought it all out and did what you thought was best and right but it was hurtful or just wrong. Or when you reacted in a wayward way? How did you repair with your BS and yourself?

@hikingout: I agree it does overlap with catastrophizing especially because of the stories I tell myself around it. There are times when I get stuck in a negative mind loop. Those are the toughest times to pull out of and engage again in a way that isn't self protective.

@Maia: that is an interesting perspective. I think I spent a lot of time rejecting thoughts and feelings to the point where I was really repressing them. There is a fine line between repressing and a decision to not entertain a thought or feeling, or to let it go. At least for me there is. I fell hard on the repressing side and then rubberbanded across to the camp where I entertained too many thoughts and feelings-- both are bad strategies IMO and in my experience both result in thoughtlessness. This is part of the finding the middle for me. To neither repress nor allow thoughts/feelings to be in control of how I act/behave and what I say.

BS here, but I've always been a very black & white person. I've not read the other books suggested, but Resiliance by Rick Hanson helped me a LOT.

You can google Hanson and "HEAL" steps, but it's basically a way to begin to rewire your brain to see and accept gratitude. HEAL stands for

"have" a positive experience,

"enrich" it (tho I often substitute emphasize or enhance on this one),

"absorb" it, and then

"Link" it to a negative experience (the 'link' step is optional).

I still often see things black & white, but having gratitude has helped to hold both simultaneously. An easy example is that I can be BOTH grateful for the introspection and my personal growth post dday, AND angry that I even had one (or that it took the dday to look at changes I'd like to make for ME).

The book has a lot of other great tips/ideas (I think the first one is to be FOR yourself - ie treat yourself as you would treat your BFF). I recommend it on audiotape (I got it from my local library) so you can really focus on the exercises as you listen (vs read, think, read etc)

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:01 PM, April 4th, 2019 (Thursday)]

@MySunandStars - thank you for bringing this topic up, as I think it's a common issue for many WS's, and @hikingout thank you for the note about catastrophizing.

I often call it "thinking in absolutes" which fits my version of it best, however I think the catastrophizing term also fits.

Here is how my mind often works, and how it contributed greatly to how I ended up making the horrible decisions I made.

It goes something like this. Something "simple" or "common" happens, for example, I forget or neglect to do something my wife asks me to. She gets upset. Conflict arises. We've all been there.

For most people, this is frustrating, but they can see it for what it is - a moment in time. A temporary situation. An expression of frustration.

But for my mind, and I think this might be true for others, it is world-ending. I see her frustration as permanent. My mind goes through something similar to "my life flashing before my eyes" and all I can see is that she will be upset with me forever and always, that it will end our marriage, that I will be alone forever and die with no one to care, perpetually lonely and unhappy. Seriously, I'm not overexaggerating a single bit. I think it all ties in with the propensity to think of myself as worthless, etc. Anyway, when everything in your life seems apocalyptic, your responses to that perception are equally drastic.

This is a good thing for you to realize now, so that you can try and catch it when it happens and consciously get a more realistic view of what's going on. Take a moment to breathe, recognize and make note of the black-and-white thinking, and then make a new choice about how to perceive the situation, and how to react to it. It takes consistentcy and practive, but over time, your thinking will change, as will your reactions.

How did you deal with it when you didn't get it right?

I didn't wallow in shame and learned from it and made sure I did it right the next time. I tried again. Maybe your shame is clouding you and you can't even notice the next time because you are too busy looking backwards to even see now?

Either you thought it all out and did what you thought was best and right but it was hurtful or just wrong.

It could be. My wife is a pretty strong woman. She would forgive me and let me try again.

Or when you reacted in a wayward way?

You would be amazed how that changes quickly after you get it and own it. When you really just become vulnerable and stop protecting yourself, you stop being defensive. Though I would guess having a healthy BS can make all the difference in that department. I was able to do that because I chose to let go of the outcome and knew I was safe with my wife. My wife is a nurturing person with a shit load of grace. She made it safe more me to move forward. Not easy. Just safe.

How did you repair with your BS and yourself?

First step. Be absolutely honest with yourself and your BS. Be vulnerable. That builds trust in yourself and then your spouse might begin to trust you. I had to own it. I had to look at myself as who I was. I had become a cruel monster. I just couldn't look at myself as a good person that made a mistake. No, for me it was more than that to really own it. I was who my wife thought I was. Who I had become disgusted with. If I failed or slipped, my wife let me know. She didn't bite her tongue except when she was on that lethal plain of flatness which scared the shit out of me more than anything. My wife has good coping skills and no amount of being and ass or defensive would make her back down to pointing out what was right. She can be very critical. I realized that was a blessing and not a nag.

I just have to add that the right BS really does make a difference I think. If I believed in a God I would say I was blessed by my wife. I picked her that way. To be the opposite of myself and my mother that I embraced most of my characteristics from. My wife is a teacher and she just has a way of building. She called it scaffolding in MC. She pushes people out of their comfort zone and encourages them to be better and to face reality. I try that here. I learned from her. Though I lack her "Mother Earth" (our family calls her that) skills. I am not a nurturer.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:48 AM, April 5th (Friday)]

Have you ever seen a therapist and been tested for BPD, borderline personality disorder? You may have some of the indicators. There is helpful therapy with this type of thinking pattern if you are BPD.

I'm really glad you are going to be checking out the resources I suggested - I think you will find them helpful.

Each time I act or say something that is reactive, behaviors that show I still engage in wayward thinking any progress feels completely wiped away--like I question that I have made any progress at all because if I have why did I get it wrong?

I think it's normal to question whether you're making progress when you find yourself acting in some of the same ways as before, and it can be discouraging for sure. Early on in my journey I questioned whether I was actually getting mentally healthier and growing whenever I encountered any setbacks. I was still trying to do things "perfectly" and viewed even the slightest failure as a complete failure (and then beat myself up for it).

Perfectionism and black-and-white thinking go hand in hand btw.

A couple paragraphs on perfectionism, from Kristin Neff's book Self-Compassion, really helped me to get some perspective and be able to frame things differently. I'll share them with you in hopes that you find them as helpful as I did:

If we were perfect, we wouldn't be human...warm, breathing, human life is a constantly unfolding wonder, not a static state of flawless sameness. Being alive involves struggle and despair as well as joy and glory. To demand perfection is to turn our backs on real life, the full range of human experience.

Imperfection also makes growth and learning possible. Like it or not, the main way we learn is by falling flat on our face, just as we did when we first learned to walk.

Yes, failure is frustrating. But it's also temporary and eventually yields wisdom.

So I encourage you to look at those reactions and behaviours with curiosity instead of self-judgment. Is there anything you learned from them? Did they show you areas that still need some work? What can you do to address those things going forward?

Allow your failures to become your teacher.

Thank you for your insights and comments, I have referred back to them often this week and it has helped me keep anxiety and fear more under control than normal. I have to do something that my BH needs that I’m not sure I will get right , and I am keeping this in mind to not engage in old patterns of talking myself out of it. But do my best and be open to learning how I could do better. At least the stakes are high.

But if I can provide BH with something he needs then its all worth it. And if I fail, I will listen, and stay open and not wallow and pick myself back up and try again.

Thank you all for your comments, I have so much to learn.

Still working on seeing setbacks as places for learning. I think I’ve worked out the wallowing, however I think trying to see my progress and learn from the setbacks is bringing out some defensive responses in me. So, I need to keep that in check.

My BH pointed out that countering an attempt at understanding what led to my betrayals and infidelities with “its not an excuse” is a way of putting up walls, not engaging,

I am working on being hyper aware of how I get defensive, how I justify or say I did X because of Y and in my attempts to be aware of this in myself I may have swung too far the other way and become defensive in another way.

My thinking and feeling is that I need to check myself in these things , take responsibility and in this case not allow myself to be a victim in any way, but not in any defensive way.

Reasons vs excuses, owning my shit vs trying to find where to point the finger. I haven’t figured out how to untangle this web yet. Defend, minimize, self protecting, that I know how to do. And the it’s all my fault and wallow bit, figured that out. But I see how this is black and white thinking and it’s also not helpful.

The reality is there is no excuse, the end.

Also, understanding how I made the choices I did, what ways did I act that led to them, that is about understanding and owning my shit. And seeing my patterns so I can course correct the moment before I have taken the first step into a wayward pattern of behavior.

Is that still defensive?

Owning your shit means no excuses. None. You must be willing to be the bad guy because you were the bad guy. You have to be willing to be guilty without that finger pointing to save any bit of reputation or character. Stop trying to save the person you were. Be willing to sacrifice that person to become someone better.

Zug, right that is the stance I have taken, but I have somehow turned it into a defensive stance. Like saying there is no excuse ends the conversation.

I didn’t see it as trying to save the person that I was. I will think on this, I see how my mind would flip to “well I better emotionally and verbally shit all over who I was” like that is the key to not trying to save who I was. But I see the all or nothing in this. And that kind of behavior and attitude is othering myself, not owning it.

Reality check, I am still that person, always will be, even when I figure out how to change and be the person I see in my head and dreams, I will still be the person who betrayed, emotionally neglected and abused the one person that I also say I love.

I think this is the wall I keep slamming myself against. I am both a cheater, betrayer and emotionally unavailable person and also a person that is disgusted with my behavior and desperately wants to fix myself. And in the current moment, my words and actions still communicate self protection, defensiveness and not owning my shit. Holding space for all the pieces of who I am— Why isn’t it clicking yet?

My BH and I are both exhausted and sick of my not getting it. I dunno, this is starting to feel like poor me and I need to take a step back to see why it feels that way. What I’m doing wrong in my thoughts and actions and communications.

Thanks for engaging , I need help to see, in hopes that I will see myself better. And more importantly that I will put myself aside to see my BH better.

I see how my mind would flip to “well I better emotionally and verbally shit all over who I was” like that is the key to not trying to save who I was. But I see the all or nothing in this. And that kind of behavior and attitude is othering myself, not owning it.

In order to transform yourself you need to stop hiding from or trying to deny the parts of yourself that you don't like or don't want to be seen. You need to integrate your "shadow self" and reconcile ALL of the parts of yourself in order to become whole.

"Emotionally and verbally shitting all over who you were" sounds a lot like shaming yourself to me, and you are not going to get to a mentally healthier place, for yourself or your BH, by doing that.

I'm not sure whether you've started reading the self-compassion book I recommended to you yet or not, but will share some quotes with you from the book that you can reflect on:

"Self-criticism - despite being socially sanctioned - was not at all helpful, and in fact only made things worse. I wasn't making myself a better person by beating myself up all the time. Instead, I was causing myself to feel inadequate and insecure, then taking out my frustration on the people closest to me. More than that, I wasn't owning up to many things because I was so afraid of the self-hate that would follow if I admitted the truth."

"When we focus on our shortcomings without taking the bigger picture into account, our perspective tends to narrow. We become absorbed by our own feelings of insufficiency and insecurity. When we're in the confined space of self-loathing, it's as if the rest of humanity doesn't even exist. This isn't a logical thought process, but a type of emotional tunnel vision."

"Judgment defines people as bad vs good and tries to capture their essential nature with simplistic labels. Discriminating wisdom recognizes complexity and ambiguity...".

"Not only does self-compassion provide a powerful motivational engine for change, it also provides the clarity needed to know what needs changing in the first place. Research indicates that people who suffer from shame and self-judgment are more likely to blame others for their moral failures. Who wants to admit their inadequacies when it means facing the attack dogs of self-criticism? It's easier to sweep things under the rug or point your finger at someone else...self-compassion makes it easier to admit to needed areas of improvement".

Self-compassion doesn't just amount to letting ourselves off the hook. Rather, by softening the blow of self-judgment and recognizing our imperfect humanity, we can see ourselves with much greater honesty and clarity. Maybe we do tend to overreact, to be irresponsible, to be passive, to be controlling, and so on. In order to work on these patterns and help ourselves (and others) suffer less because of them, we need to acknowledge our shortcomings. We need to recognize how we have harmed others in order to heal the wounds we have caused. By self-compassionately accepting the fact that all people make mistakes and act in ways they regret, we can more easily admit our wrongdoings and try to make things right again. If we're consumed with feelings of shame and inadequacy because of what we've done, we are actually being self-absorbed. We aren't focusing our attention and concern where it's most needed - on the person we've hurt. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to take responsibility for our actions, consider their impact on others, and sincerely apologize for our behaviour".

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And in the current moment, my words and actions still communicate self protection, defensiveness and not owning my shit. Holding space for all the pieces of who I am— Why isn’t it clicking yet? 

It takes a lot of time and a lot of real effort for things to click and for meaningful transformation to occur. If you are still sitting with a lot of (toxic) shame you will continue to struggle, and you will struggle for even longer. You will not get to the point of being vulnerable and authentic.

What exactly are you trying to protect right now? What are you trying to defend? Really think deeply about these things and be honest with yourself.

I need help to see, in hopes that I will see myself better. And more importantly that I will put myself aside to see my BH better.

It's not so much about putting yourself aside to see BH better, but about making space for both. Here is another quote from the book to illustrate what I mean:

"Our research shows that self-compassion allows us to feel others' pain without becoming overwhelmed by it. In other words, when we recognize how difficult it is sometimes to be there for people who are struggling, and comfort ourselves in the process, we are able to be stronger, more stable, and resilient when supporting others in their suffering".

So, by acknowledging your own struggle and showing yourself compassion for it, you open yourself up to being present for, and compassionate to, his struggles and his suffering as well.

Finally, I encourage you to reflect on your motivation for doing the work. Is it extrinsic or intrinsic? Are you being honest with yourself when you answer that question? I leave you with this final quote from the book as you reflect:

"Self-compassionate people are more oriented toward personal growth than those who continually criticize themselves. They're more likely to formulate specific plans for reaching their goals, and for making their lives more balanced...The ability to realize our potential depends partly on where our motivation comes from. Is it intrinsic or extrinsic?

Intrinsic motivation occurs when we're driven to do something because we want to learn, grow, or because the activity is just plain interesting.

Extrinsic motivation occurs when we're driven to do something in order to gain a reward or escape a punishment. Even when rewards or punishments come from within, like the reward of self-esteem or the punishment of self-criticism, our motivation is still extrinsic because we're engaging in an activity for ulterior motives...

people with learning goals are intrinsically motivated by curiosity and the desire to develop new skills. They want to achieve because they want to gain knowledge, and most important, they view making mistakes as a part of the learning process. Those with performance goals, on the other hand, are extrinsically motivated to defend or enhance their self-esteem. They want to do well so that others will approve of them and tend to avoid failure at all costs. This means that instead of challenging themselves they take the safe road".

@onlytime: your response and comments really hit the mark for me, thank you for sharing them.

I picked up the book from the library this week but have not started it yet, it is next on the docket. And from what you have shared from it I believe it will be very helpful. I know I struggle with the idea of self compassion. I think it stems from seeing the pattern of so readily excusing or explaining my behavior. But as I have swung to the opposite of self disgust and self hatred it has not done be any good either. Compassion with accountability. The part about self compassion leading to not being overwhelmed by others experiences and having more compassion for others is something I had not considered before and potentially a way to reach the goal of true compassion and presence for my BH.

You asked what I was trying to protect, what am I trying to defend. Ultimately I think it is an image of myself that feels threatened by failure, by being wrong, and by not knowing what the thing to do or say is. And as I write that out I see how ridiculous it is. How much of a fallacy it is. I was able to get an audiobook version of The Power of Now that hikingout recommended, and he says: Learn to disidentify from your mind...This means I no longer take the content of my mind so seriously as my sense of self does not depend on it. This really struck me. I have self identified as an intelligent person my whole life, and then I went and did some super stupid, hurtful, atrocious things that I struggle to answer the question of why and how could I. And I see how I’ve tried to quarantine those things from myself, to protect my identity. And that is the opposite of the integration and reconciliation.

Lastly you asked about motivations, this isn’t so one or the other for me. I determined to become an authentic, empathetic person because that is what I want to be, but I also want it because the rewards of being authentic, honest, vulnerable and empathetic are also very appealing to me and something that I desire with my BH. Can it be both?

Just checking in with you MySunandStars.

Have you had a chance to start reading and doing the exercises in "Self Compassion" yet? If so, have you been able to get anything out of it so far?

You asked what I was trying to protect, what am I trying to defend. Ultimately I think it is an image of myself that feels threatened by failure, by being wrong, and by not knowing what the thing to do or say is...I see how I've tried to quarantine those things from myself, to protect my identity. And that is the opposite of the integration and reconciliation.

I'm glad you are recognizing that what you have been doing is the opposite of what is needed. That's a good start. When you have some time, and feel you've gotten to a more self-compassionate place, I am going to recommend that you Google "idealized self and shadow self", as well as "individuation" and read up on those concepts.

The idealized self is also known as our "persona" or "mask" - it is rooted in our conscious mind and is the person we present to the world.

The shadow self is also known as our "disowned self" - it is the parts of ourselves that we deny and reject - the dark and often unconscious parts of our personality. It consists of emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness and anything in ourselves that we perceive as being inferior, evil, or unacceptable.

Individuation is about achieving growth and transformation through integrating your shadow self - so you can become a whole person. It requires that you let go of the black and white, either-or views of yourself and accept that you have both positive AND negative parts.

I determined to become an authentic, empathetic person because that is what I want to be, but I also want it because the rewards of being authentic, honest, vulnerable and empathetic are also very appealing to me and something that I desire with my BH. Can it be both?

I'm a little confused on your response. Can you expand upon what you see as the "rewards" of being authentic, honest, vulnerable and empathic? What about those "rewards" is appealing? How does your BH fit into your thinking here?