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I have two girls at home. One 14 the other turning 16. I am divorcing my WW. I want them to know why. I believe in authentic living having grown up in a family of secrets. What are some of your experiences surrounding this issue. Any help would be welcome

They're old enough for the basics. Let them know Mom had an affair and that you're getting a divorce. No more than that is needed for now.

Don't keep it a secret from them. They deserve to know why their world is about to change.

[This message edited by firenze at 12:04 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

I agree with firenze. They are old enough to know the basics.

Consider getting them on the books with an IC. They may need a safe place to vent.

I agree with firenze and chaos. The children are old enough to be told and the fact that a divorce seems imminent is all the more reason to tell them. This gives them time to process what is going to happen before it does -- time to prepare for such a huge change in their lives. Plus, you would rather they hear it from you than from anyone outside your immediate family.

This will give them time to ask questions. Answer honestly. If you don't know the answer, say that you don't know, but that you will all find out and go through this thing together. Don't be afraid to show that you are sad or weak sometimes. They will be, too.

This is a hard one for me. I believe in honesty. However, I was told of my mom's cheating when I was around 14. It devastated me. I had been living with my parents divorce for 10 years by then. I didn't need to know.

I think maybe the only time it's appropriate to tell minor children about an A is if they are blaming the BS for the breakup of the family.

This question pops up here over and over!

My parents could have trained alleycats and I never got any "explanation" and I KNEW what they were doing when I was EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!

The family, aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents all knew but the topic never got discussed with "children" present in earshot.

So, why do you think a teenage person can't see the leaves on the trees?

Just tell the truth succinctly: Your Mother has decided to take a boyfriend. (or similar) Then re-iterate your wedding vows. Then let the discussion flow on their cue.

If you haven't figured out the Internet - you should. What people "do" is so available on any browser and any person with an ounce of smarts can get around any "parental control."

For example - google your "favorite" porno idea as an "image" in google - the filter engines don't block google images! Scary? Nah - it is the world we now have.

Had we decided to divorce, I absolutely would have told. I would have said your dad decided to have a girlfriend, I didn’t like it. I tried to get over it, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry you (the kids) are having to change your lives because of this. I will get you someone (a therapist) to talk to about your thoughts and feelings to but you can always come to either of us as well. I love you.

Since I am not divorcing, I didn’t tell. I know for a fact my teenage daughter would not take it well and would be very upset with him.

Thank you. I'm checking this post often. How did your kids rest for those who told?

I'd say exactly what firenze said.

And, don't be surprised if one or both already know that mom was cheating. I did; I knew 5 years before my dad found out. That was quite the burden to carry for a teenager.

From my experience as a W, mine are 11/9 and they know quite a bit, probably more than they should. Unfortunately, they know who the AP is they saw my BS get physical with the AP too. My BS and I sat down with them both to discuss what I did which was cheated. I even apologized to them for my actions because this impacts them too and I neglected them during my A's. I currently have them in IC to help with this process. So far, they are safe and happy. But deep down I know they are probably confused, but they did mention they love me still and want me to change. Be kind and gentle. Do research because there are do's and don'ts. I wish you good luck.

My kids are all adults, sort of. College age. I chose not to tell them.

I've always been honest with my kids in an age appropriate way-when my mom was dying of cancer, when my dad was sick, ect.

But to me, this was different. For a couple of reasons. I knew it would devastate them, particularly my daughter. She is our youngest. Her daddy is her hero. She would be crushed if she knew. He is the standard by which she judges her boyfriends. For her sake, she needs to retain that ideal she has of him.

It also turns out that 8 days after I found out about the affair, a very close family member committed suicide. He was my cousin, but was more like a brother to me. (My family is VERY close.) His daughter and my daughter were best friends. He was like a second dad or favorite uncle. She viewed him as a protector--just like her daddy. He was the resource officer at both her middle and high school the time she was there. She needed her daddy. She is crushed by the suicide. She's had a hard enough time dealing with that.

She picked up on that there was tension between my and WH. But she attributed it to another stressor in our life and I let her believe that was the case.

We've always kept our martial disagreements to ourselves. I didn't see the need to change that with this.

[This message edited by 1Wvgirl at 2:21 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

I would tell them some basics. I sent an e-mail to the OBS snd let hime know about his wife's affair with my fwh. Not sure what he told his 19 year old daughter, but apparently the mom is still lying because now I have recieved e-mails from the daughter asking me questions and wanting to call me. Parents, be honest with your children. They should learn this from their parents and not someone else.

I kicked WH out of the house on Dday. Our 4 kids were ages 11-20 at that time, and they quickly guessed what was going on. When they asked, I confirmed that Dad has a girlfriend---- that's why he is out of the house.

WH ended up apologizing to them for what he did.

Secrets are not healthy.

Dday was 8 years ago. WH ended up moving back home and we are still together (although I can't say that we have truly R'd). He and the kids are very close.

Telling the kids the truth was the right thing to do.

Tell the kids the truth. Just the basics. Whether you choose to R or D. Kids know when there’s tension in the M, and often think it’s because of something they did. Also, if anyone knows, it will get around and they’ll eventually hear from someone else. Better to give them the honest facts straight from you.

My daughters were adults, all in their 30s, 2 of them with children of their own when we separated. If I had been able to R they never would have known. The reason we separated wasn't going to be whitewashed although I don't think they know much other than WW cheated. We separated 4 years after DDay1. I think one SIL thought something was off with me when we were together for Thanksgiving a month after DDay1.

So, if we R'd they wouldn't be told. When we separated they needed to be told and why.

I told my kids the truth (16, 20, 21 at the time), and I answered all questions honestly, which were abundant as they processed things. My 16 yr old was the most insistent on knowing details as that's just how she is. Plus, she had seen and heard things from her father, like overhearing a convo with OW and noticing it was on a different cell phone. As she asked questions she was putting puzzle pieces together so it was a long process. In other words, I did not just dump everything in her lap. That would have been too much. However, she repeatedly told me how much she appreciated being treated like a young adult (she was very mature at 16) and said she absolutely would have resented me if I had withheld it from her (I asked her once if she was ever sorry I told her). She said his actions affected her too by destroying our family and had a right to know the man she once idolized (she was daddy's little girl) was living a lie. She (and the others) lost all respect for him.

My oldest knew about the cheating before me. She finally told me when she was 18. The secrecy was eating her alive, but she didn't want to tell me something she knew would hurt me. She finally came to me and I could clearly see she was troubled. After she told me she cried in my arms, and I told her it was no longer her burden to carry as I would deal with it, but she could always come to me to talk. Also that I was very proud of her for coming to me because I knew how hard it was. A weight was lifted off her shoulders.

After seeing the devastation caused by all these secrets, I swore to my kids there would never be any secrets between us (unless they are the good kind such as a present). The whole thing started six years ago, and we talk openly and honestly. They know all the details, and we are closer than ever.

I knew it would devastate them, particularly my daughter. She is our youngest. Her daddy is her hero. She would be crushed if she knew. He is the standard by which she judges her boyfriends. For her sake, she needs to retain that ideal she has of him.

Seriously, you want her to view a man like her dad as the ideal husband for herself? I'd thing you'd want her to know what her dad truly is so when she meets a boy her age who reminds her of dad, she runs screaming.

JustSomeGuy,

When I was a kid other kids I knew talked about witnessing their parents cheating.

There's a chance that your WW was sloppy and your kids observed something fishy and feel guilty about keeping it from you.

Help them out by telling them the truth, this is a consequence your WW has to face for her crime, no different than the bank robber or the embezzler.

We just old our youngest, 17, with the help of a therapist. I thought it went well, Asshat thought it went terrible because she screamed at him. I thought screaming is good, she isn’t blaming herself at least (my biggest fear and the reason they needed to know the truth).

Now the unsavory details, no. I did allude to them with my oldest, who is 21 but living at home. Only because I need to get the fuck out of here ASAP and I didn’t want her to feel abandoned, I wanted her to know this was somewhat more than a regular conventional affair. I hope my youngest does not ever find out those details, but she may. That is going to have to be on him.

Get them into counseling ASAP, like an appt for the day you tell them, or what we did, tell them with the help of a therapist. But they have to know, IMO. Otherwise the risk they will believe it is them is too high.

Seriously, you want her to view a man like her dad as the ideal husband for herself? I'd thing you'd want her to know what her dad truly is so when she meets a boy her age who reminds her of dad, she runs screaming.

You don't understand what she sees. What I saw. He was the perfect husband. He treated like a queen. We were more like love struck teenagers and an old married couple. He did the sweetest most loving things for me.

Her dad is a good man who did a bad thing. It was a very bad thing, But it does not define him. I refuse to let it become her definition of him. He is wonderful father.