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Last night was DDAY #2. The weird thing is that it felt like dday for me as well. Since dday #1 I had insisted that I was never physical w AP. There were several times that I came very close to meeting him after we were married- and not just any times but times that should have been the happiest in my M. The closest I came to meeting him was a week after we came back from our honeymoon and a week before our first anniversary. These times were usually immediately after or immediately followed by very big fights with BH.

BH has been feeling in his gut that we were physical at some point. He got creative with his sleuthing and was able to see that there was a night almost two months after we got engaged that I searched for AP’s address in google maps. I had no memory of having gone and insisted I may have considered it but there was no way. He was able to find that I used google maps again at 3 AM even though there was no address. This looked bad. Further google searching a few days later showed results that I was searching for missed periods, being pregnant and prices for abortion pills. A day after I had searched for AP’s address we found a bank statement from Walgreens a few towns over for $77 which was 99% Plan B. According to my period tracker I got my period 1 day after having looked into abortion options, 3 days after the Plan B would’ve been taken. We look at all of this information and it’s 99.9% I had a PA...but no memory of it at all!

At least until this morning, when a few memories from the PA that night did actually surface. It hit me in a way I never imagined possible. Here I was, toting that I maintained physical boundaries in order to prove there’s hope in me... and in us.

I didn’t just betray him. I am now betraying myself.

I wonder how I felt immediately afterwards. How guilty did I feel? How long before I blocked it out? Did I remember 3 months later when we walked down the aisle? The funny thing about my memory is sometimes it’s amazing. I remember every birthday and anniversary of everyone I know...but how can I not remember THIS?! I also know that although I truly wanted to love my H at the time, I didn’t. I loved myself, I wanted to be married, he wanted me so I accepted and married we were. It wasn’t until years later once I basically ended the A that I truly fell in love with him. The shock and pain I felt upon discovery- how could I do that? How could I not REMEMBER doing that??

For those that had dday long after the A was over...did you remember every detail all the way up until dday? Did you feel guilt all the way through? Most important, how did I block all of this out and how can I unblock it???

Are you saying you blocked out the fact you had sex with the guy and actually had a pregnancy scare?

Hikingout- yes that’s what I’m saying. No memory of any of that. So many people say there is no way that you can forget having sex. No way you can forget something as traumatic as a pregnancy scare. It’s been almost 5 years since this happened. I’m sure I didn’t block it out immediately but I don’t know when I lost the memory. Did I feel guilt at all? I don’t remember. I’d like to think so...

Change4thebetter, it took me months to commit to the truth. Not only to my husband - but to myself. I had pushed away a lot, but once *I* wanted to be honest, I remembered every detail, including details of things that happened a long time ago.

I felt so much better once I chose honesty. Not unafraid. More like rooted to the ground and steady rather than on my toes and ready to fly.

It takes daily re-commitment and practice. Not to being honest with details of the affair because he has knows all of those for months. But every stupid little thing that my warped mind tells me is wrong, even when I know objectively it isn't. I want to hide it and I have to decide every time I feel hidey, not to hide. You don't just lie and hide about the affair. It's a habit that is one of the reasons you had the capacity to have the affair.

You came here wanting to hide but you also came here wanting to change for the better. Every time you feel like you want to hide you have to actively, deliberately, courageously choose the other.

This almost sounds like that movie where the guy can't remember anything so he goes and leaves himself notes, but then the notes get mixed up.

Seriously though, I would trust my memory more than some dug up internet searches. How long after did this evidence turn up?

I would suggest that while it's possible to block out a traumatic event, blocking out a plan that you designed and executed and then followed up on seems pretty far out there.

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure your BH is not creating a narrative to fit his already formed belief in an attempt to get you to admit to it?

I am sorry, Change4thebetter, I don't believe you would not know you had sex with the person. I say that with a gentle tone and I wish I could say it differently, but it does not seem plausible to me. You could forget a lot of details about it, I am sure of that. Two years out I don't remember a ton of the details either because I do block thinking about it, but your story would be hard for anyone to believe. If it is true, then I would probably go be hypnotized and make sure he has all of it. I am old. I might not be able to make a list of people that I slept with, but if you asked me about someone specifically, even 30 years ago I would know if it happened or not. Especially if it had been a hidden relationship. I am not a trauma expert however. But, I think it's important to understand why your H might have issues believing it.

Trust has to be built as early as possible. Go to the other post about this (it's probably in the top 5 or 6 posts right now in the forum) - there are some staggering statistics there posted by sorrowful mate. Please look at them.

Also, please know that I do wish for you and your husband nothing but healing. I just can't support something that doesn't seem plausible.

I always knew that I had sex with him. I never denied that He was a partner. I had sex with him hundreds of times over the course of 4 years. This wasn’t the first time that I needed to get Plan B after being with him.

I just didn’t remember this specific instance, just like I didn’t remember having gone to their house until OBS asked my H if I did.

The acts exist in my mind. The chronology is and was jumbled.

My shock and sadness for myself is because I never knew that it happened after I met BH. I made myself believe that it was purely emotional and that I never stepped over the line.

We were engaged. We were starting a life together and I gave in and just decided to get laid.

It wasn't clear, sorry.

Maybe see what can be done about this in therapy. You need to unearth this so that your H and you can heal. Best wishes to you both.

You've been having a lot of difficulty getting the timeline done, right? Once you start writing everything down you'll be able remember more details.

But nothing will work - not the timeline, not whatever other things you have done in the other "it's not enough" post - unless you want to see and own the truth. Why is it so scary for you? I'm not being *at all* snarky about that. I know why it was scary for me. Why is it scary for you? You have a veneer of normal life. You want to hang on to that, desperately. You are clinging to it. Letting go of it is terrifying because then you are face to face with whatever you don't want to acknowledge.

I am going to be completely honest here. I have forgotten a great deal about my A, but I simply cannot imagine having forgotten something of this magnitude when you have been in contact with this man on an ongoing basis during your marriage. He never made a reference to the fact that you physically cheated on your current spouse with him? If this was sufficiently traumatic for you to need to block it out, I don't see how you kept flirting and sexting with him for years afterwards.

I have posted several times on SI to reassure BS about the unreliability of wayward memory and our ability to block things out, but since your ongoing pattern is to suddenly remember things only when unanticipated evidence undeniably exposes you... I'm sorry. I just can't defend that as credible.

Is there at reason you weren't polygraphed long ago?

Is there at reason you weren't polygraphed long ago?

We discussed this and I offered to get a polygraph first thing. One reason we didn’t do this was the expense. Another issue was that bc I was able to so successfully fool myself BS believes that I would have passed it bc the lies were to myself as well and I believed them. At this point, Hikingouts suggestion of hypnotism may make more sense for me.

I have forgotten a great deal about my A, but I simply cannot imagine having forgotten something of this magnitude when you have been in contact with this man on an ongoing basis during your marriage. He never made a reference to the fact that you physically cheated on your current spouse with him? If this was sufficiently traumatic for you to need to block it out, I don't see how you kept flirting and sexting with him for years afterwards.

He never made a reference. There were a few times that I saw him afterwards at the bank where he worked but we weren’t texting at this time. Then I didn’t hear from him until April. He texted that he couldn’t get me out of his head and that he was thinking of me and missing me. I told him I missed him too. After that when he texted hi or a smiley face a texted back instead of telling him to stop and leave me alone. When I was having fights with BH I texted AP asking to make plans. In the end I couldn’t go through with those meetings but I remember wanting to. All of this I remember. All of this I take ownership of. What doesn’t make sense to me is how could that not have been a wake up call. How could I have slept with him while engaged and forgot? I know I must have known for a while. I know I must have felt guilt. But at what point did I block that out?

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure your BH is not creating a narrative to fit his already formed belief in an attempt to get you to admit to it?

There would be some credence to this, however, finding this information did ultimately bring up the memories of going and being there.

But nothing will work - not the timeline, not whatever other things you have done in the other "it's not enough" post - unless you want to see and own the truth. Why is it so scary for you? I'm not being *at all* snarky about that. I know why it was scary for me. Why is it scary for you? You have a veneer of normal life. You want to hang on to that, desperately. You are clinging to it. Letting go of it is terrifying because then you are face to face with whatever you don't want to acknowledge.

I made an appointment for IC for next week. I know I want to hang on to the illusion that I would never be the type of person to do ANYTHING that I did. It goes against how I was raised, what I believe and I who I want to be...but yet I did all of this. I have trouble reconciling my actions at that time with who I want to believe I am as a person and how I want to be perceived. Image has always meant everything to me. Letting go losing control which is a huge fear of mine and always has been. I have to steer the wheel. I have to be in the drivers seat. I have to read a map. The unknown scares the crap out of me.

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure your BH is not creating a narrative to fit his already formed belief in an attempt to get you to admit to it?

Her BH has been the victim of repeated lies and trickle truth for months now, always with the OP admitting/remembering fresh betrayals only when it is no longer possible to deny the evidence. Now we're supposed to believe he's fabricating Google searches and pharmacy receipts in an attempt to gaslight her? I'm not sure there's a "right way" to take that.

I'm sorry but I think you talked yourself into so many lies you don't actually remember what is reality and what is truth. Start being honest with yourself first.

I'm sorry but I think you talked yourself into so many lies you don't actually remember what is reality and what is truth. Start being honest with yourself first.

This is very true. I’m trying...

For those that had dday long after the A was over...did you remember every detail all the way up until dday?

I haven't mentioned this in a long time here, but feb 2016 actually wasn't our first dday, it was 7 years prior to that when I broke up with my H (then bf) just to act out with another man because back then and until I did some work, I derived my worth from men. I confessed then and we essentially rug swept it and got back together. Funny thing is I couldn't remember if I told him then, so in feb 2016 confessed again in great detail. I didn't forget the details just couldn't remember if I already told him in the dday frantic and I wanted to make sure it was ALL out there for him.

It's going to be hard for people to wrap their heads around the fact that you can't remember, or didn't remember until it was too late and you were confronted. I feel for SaddestDad, I've followed him since his arrival. He's obviously going to have the hardest time wrapping his head around it all. Change4thebetter, you have to do something now, no more fear, no more excuses, no more comfort. Drastic changes. BIG HUGE CHANGES. I saw his tag line had updated today and thought wow you go c4tb TT sucks but you got it out there, then I read this post. You are making him fight harder than he should for you and your truth.

The fact that you are using 99.9% that .1% needs your ownership. Are you still not sure about it? Or am I reading it wrong?

And girl, you betrayed yourself with an EA.. I find it odd that it's the PA that has you feeling that way. KWIM? You have so much work ahead of you. I understand you aren't far out from dday and change is slow.

A pregnant scare is frightening especially if it isn't planned/wanted/your soon to be H's but hear me out, that would be a crazy lesson for most, not something to bury but something to remember!

I don't know how to help you if you aren't willing to help yourself. And I've (we've) tried.

eta, for missing words and clarity

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 4:46 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

No offense but were you on drugs or drinking at the time? That could explain it. When did this happen in conjunction to meeting your husband? After marriage, after engagement, or when you started dating? Where you could have written it off because you really weren't committed to him yet and the two relationships overlapped in a non-comitted way? Like going on dates with two people during the same time period and not excluding anyone?

There would be some credence to this

Why? What would make you think he would do that?

I need to step back from this thread, I think. I've asked my BH to accept some holes in the 30-year-old memory of my A. It is a huge, huge request. The uncertainty eats at him every day. If anyone ever suggested that he was manipulating me by researching and presenting factual evidence in an effort to get the answers he needs, I would defend him angrily and passionately. Instead, you agree that yeah, if your memories hadn't begun to surface, you'd see his motives as suspect. That's just spitting on his trust.

I'm out before I say something that will get me a PM from the mods.

I need to step back from this thread, I think. I've asked my BH to accept some holes in the 30-year-old memory of my A. It is a huge, huge request. The uncertainty eats at him every day. If anyone ever suggested that he was manipulating me by researching and presenting factual evidence in an effort to get the answers he needs, I would defend him angrily and passionately. Instead, you agree that yeah, if your memories hadn't begun to surface, you'd see his motives as suspect. That's just spitting on his trust.

No, I’m not saying he’s manipulating me. I was saying I can understand how it would look that way to an outsider if there was zero memory at all even after seeing the evidence. Seeing that evidence gave me a point of reference to focus on and that’s why I am now beginning to remember it.

I remember bits and pieces. Like how he came to pick me up from where I parked my car. I remember the weather. I remember that the house was dark & that I used the master bathroom for the first time in that instance.

I can’t remember the actual sex. I think that’ll be later as details come back.

BraveSirRobin, it happens.. I've had my moments as well.

Change4thebetter, speaking of your BH's tag line, can you explain further what is meant by "minor" As?

I fear for him, I fear that you won't tell the truth and he only has what he's discovered on his own. And there could be more... I don't want to doubt you but your "memory" and truth skills aren't serving anyone. Not you, not him, and not those that want to help.

No offense but were you on drugs or drinking at the time? That could explain it. When did this happen in conjunction to meeting your husband? After marriage, after engagement, or when you started dating? Where you could have written it off because you really weren't committed to him yet and the two relationships overlapped in a non-comitted way? Like going on dates with two people during the same time period and not excluding anyone?

Drinking- yes. Immediately before I met my husband I was at my lowest point EVER. That was when the drinking, late nights, wrong friends, multiple casual sex partners and flirting/sexting with multiple people was in full blown gear and I was in a downward spiral. In the midst of this, I had an ongoing affair w/MM #1, was flirting/sexting w/ 2 other MM and also sexting with 3 other single guys who I had history with at the same time. I took any attention that was given to me and it made me feel wanted, chosen and special- if my eyes were open at the time I could see I was really just easy and desperate.

I was set up with my BH and we spoke for 3 hours on the phone. Another 3 hours the next night and in the end we spoke for 10+ hours on the phone before we went on our first date a week later. There was an instant connection that we both felt and we both knew that this was it. Then we went out for 3 months the whole time sure that we would be married. The problem was that even though I knew I had found my husband material I didn’t love him at the time but I saw that I could. This is so common in our community so it didn’t bother me. Even though that would have been the time to cut everyone off and stop all communication with these men immediately I still continued to talk to them and I stupidly changed their status in my head from fuck buddy to friend thinking they’ll be happy for me and we can continue to talk. I did continue those relationships in a non-committed way in the early dating with my husband which would have been more accepted if I hadn’t already known from our first phone call that I would marry him- so why continue to talk to and flirt with all of these guys for another month or two after having met my husband??

As for the AP, I had tried ending our relationship numerous times. There were also many times I thought the A was over (when he had a baby, when he got married, when he moved) that I backed off and thought it’s for sure over now, but instead he came right back to me as if nothing had changed and acted as if those events made no difference. So when I started dating someone seriously, got engaged and got married he did not see this as any reason to stop what we had. I think that mindset has transferred to me and at that point I just didn’t know how to stop it. While life went on for both the AP and myself we still always came back for each other and continued where we left off...I believe that’s why a lot of this didn’t traumatize me or stand out. Most of our A we communicated via Wickr which had added the standard and thrill of secrecy to the relationship with AP.

I know this situation is so confusing to many on SI. I know that if you look at what I’ve done I come across as a horrible, evil, cruel and despicable excuse for a human being without a heart or a conscious. People don’t understand why my BH is putting up with me or how he can still love me...that’s what’s confusing. I’m not inherently a bad person but I am a very messed up and damaged person who pretends not to be and did supremely shitty things to someone I love. I know that I come across as confused. It’s because I AM confused. I finally made an appointment for IC next week. We’ve realized that IC for me can’t wait another 2 months until our insurance kicks in. I have been in denial about my issues for my whole life. I have FOO issues that affected me waaaaay more than I ever thought possible. I have so many fears, issues and problems and it took me 33 years to admit that.

I know that I am frustrating people. I’m frustrating my BH and myself but acknowledgement is the first step and I’m still working on that in many ways. Thank you for your patience.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 5:51 PM, May 21st, 2019 (Tuesday)]